I have been so overwhelmed recently. Today was supposed to be simple. I was supposed to just meet a few friends to introduce a new friend to Seattle's fascinating sites. I had a pretty good time and had a fair share of laughs. I ran this morning. I made lunch.
But then my mom called me during my excursion at Pike Place Market. She was screaming into the cell and I felt so pitiful. It's that feeling of being happy on the film set and then realizing that it is all just fake as the walls hiding reality from the studio fall away. It's that feeling of finishing an amazing book and then coming back to the loud noises outside the window. I hate that feeling of reality. I have been trying to embrace reality, but at the moment I just keep crashing into reality.
I have to deal with my parents. I love them, but I just need them to come home. I need to be able to talk to them right now. I feel so pressured to be a good child sometimes, but I still never know what they want out of me. They are so lost and confused themselves that I have little faith or trust in them. It is sad. I wish I had parents I could trust and be honest with, but my parents stress me out so much.
After my mom yelled at me I just cried. I felt so ashamed. I felt my world crash into pieces. I know I need to do so many things, but I guess I just can't do everything. I just wish my parents would be more supportive rather than scold me for everything I do. I try to appease them, I try to make them proud, but I struggle so much. I just don't feel like I can make mistakes with my parents. They can be so harsh about mistakes. They worry so much. I am trying so hard to fix myself, but I feel like I can never be fixed.
It's nearly eleven and I have barely started my homework for tomorrow. I need to make some changes in my life. But I can't ever seem to change. I feel like I am trapped. I feel like I am trapped to be my parents, worried, frustrated, and afraid of everything. I feel like I am stuck being this weak, short, worthless person. I feel like I am never going to be the person I want to be. Some things can't change, but can't other parts of me change? I am just frustrated with all these miserable parts of me and the fact that I can't seem to change the habits that hold me back so much. I feel hopeless, helpless, and pathetic.
Everything is changing so fast. Friends are leaving. Family is stressed and aging. College is approaching. I am maturing and growing. Life is transforming. The world is progressing and regressing. Hope is fading. Spirit is dwindling. Autumn looms near and the dreary clouds that remind me of my depression menace me from afar. I am so scared that my life is going to fall apart. I knew that it would be tough to deal with my depression here in Washington, but I am so afraid that it will be worse than I expect. I don't know how I can handle my emotions in such familiar surroundings without the surge of energy and enthusiasm I was expecting. I am really afraid for my life.
"Franklin" - Paramore
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wow. It's Actually Happened.
I started class at UW. One of my best friends left for university across the country. It's August 29th now.
High school was such an age of simplicity. I could pretend to live in a world of childhood. I could ignore the real issues of the world, finances, occupations, networking, bureaucracy, credit, registration, the words that children don't understand, but adults use as their secret language. Now I am thrust into this crazy world, this world of adulthood. I feel so free, yet so trapped.
I can control my money, but now I cannot get what I want whenever I want it.
I can go wherever I wish, but I need to have the means and funds to do so.
I can do anything I set my mind to, but nobody is going to remind me to balance my life.
I can eat whatever I wish, but I have nobody to keep me in check for food.
I can be as clean or messy as I wish, but nobody will remind me of the status of my cleanliness.
I can communicate however and whenever I wish, but nobody will tell me when to communicate.
I am free, but I am trapped.
I love to drive to my favorite viewpoint above the Issaquah Highlands to watch the sunset. Yesterday evening was the last time I got to see that with my dear friend. We have had such a difficult relationship this summer, but I really hope that through my honesty and the short time we had to mend the broken connections that we rebuilt somewhat of a rapport.
I really don't know what to expect in this new era of my life. College. It's not at all what I expected when I first started this whole process of searching, applying, and choosing four years ago. I landed on my perfect climate in the bay area. I landed on a well-established college, known around the world. I landed on an excellent academic reputation in my field and a progressive, active culture. I landed on Berkeley for four years. Or at least that was where the ship was meant to sail.
The ship never made it there. The ship is taking port in Seattle. The University of Washington. I always imagined college being so different. Never seeing a face I know. Being in the sunlight around trees and beautiful nineteenth century buildings. Seeing faces of many cultures and backgrounds. Participating in many different activities. Discussing meaningful issues. Challenging my mind in incredible ways. Becoming the person I want to be. Living away from home.
Surprisingly I have actually, truly happened to enjoy most of these aforementioned descriptions at the UW in this past week. My brain has been stimulated for the first time in so many years. My skin was tingled by the rare sunshine and the cool mist of the Emerald City. I was surrounded by new faces. The architecture really inspired me. The city has been a fantastic adventure. I will really have opportunity here. I can really be inspired here.
I have to just free myself from all the preconceptions that prevent me from truly thriving in my environment. I don't need to be in California to really find my true self and live the life I dream. There are challenges here, but they don't compare to the challenges I would face in all the debt of all the other choices or the struggles of leaving so soon. I really will never know how different my life would be if I had the option to go somewhere else for college, but I really don't.
Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to really accept what we receive in life. Things will change. Craziness will result. If I can just adapt and be the pliant palm in this unlikely location I can truly thrive anywhere. All this challenge will help me grow in my life, I just know it. I will trust in God.
"Signs of Life" - Andrew Belle
High school was such an age of simplicity. I could pretend to live in a world of childhood. I could ignore the real issues of the world, finances, occupations, networking, bureaucracy, credit, registration, the words that children don't understand, but adults use as their secret language. Now I am thrust into this crazy world, this world of adulthood. I feel so free, yet so trapped.
I can control my money, but now I cannot get what I want whenever I want it.
I can go wherever I wish, but I need to have the means and funds to do so.
I can do anything I set my mind to, but nobody is going to remind me to balance my life.
I can eat whatever I wish, but I have nobody to keep me in check for food.
I can be as clean or messy as I wish, but nobody will remind me of the status of my cleanliness.
I can communicate however and whenever I wish, but nobody will tell me when to communicate.
I am free, but I am trapped.
I love to drive to my favorite viewpoint above the Issaquah Highlands to watch the sunset. Yesterday evening was the last time I got to see that with my dear friend. We have had such a difficult relationship this summer, but I really hope that through my honesty and the short time we had to mend the broken connections that we rebuilt somewhat of a rapport.
I really don't know what to expect in this new era of my life. College. It's not at all what I expected when I first started this whole process of searching, applying, and choosing four years ago. I landed on my perfect climate in the bay area. I landed on a well-established college, known around the world. I landed on an excellent academic reputation in my field and a progressive, active culture. I landed on Berkeley for four years. Or at least that was where the ship was meant to sail.
The ship never made it there. The ship is taking port in Seattle. The University of Washington. I always imagined college being so different. Never seeing a face I know. Being in the sunlight around trees and beautiful nineteenth century buildings. Seeing faces of many cultures and backgrounds. Participating in many different activities. Discussing meaningful issues. Challenging my mind in incredible ways. Becoming the person I want to be. Living away from home.
Surprisingly I have actually, truly happened to enjoy most of these aforementioned descriptions at the UW in this past week. My brain has been stimulated for the first time in so many years. My skin was tingled by the rare sunshine and the cool mist of the Emerald City. I was surrounded by new faces. The architecture really inspired me. The city has been a fantastic adventure. I will really have opportunity here. I can really be inspired here.
I have to just free myself from all the preconceptions that prevent me from truly thriving in my environment. I don't need to be in California to really find my true self and live the life I dream. There are challenges here, but they don't compare to the challenges I would face in all the debt of all the other choices or the struggles of leaving so soon. I really will never know how different my life would be if I had the option to go somewhere else for college, but I really don't.
Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to really accept what we receive in life. Things will change. Craziness will result. If I can just adapt and be the pliant palm in this unlikely location I can truly thrive anywhere. All this challenge will help me grow in my life, I just know it. I will trust in God.
"Signs of Life" - Andrew Belle
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Panic
I have panicked a lot today and run into some awkward moments. Like this evening when I needed to do my homework I allowed my sister's whining to overwhelm me and I relented to her demands. Now I am up way past the time I wanted to go to bed at and struggling to meet all the obligations I have.
I went to the bookstore and I could barely formulate my sentence in my sleepiness. I was so awkward around my new friends today and I felt so awkward.
I really need to find some balance. Tomorrow I will have to say no to new friends just for one day. I'll have all of next week to revel in these new found friendships. But meanwhile I am just so busy and I need to really balance out my life.
Once you cover the basics, the crises seem so less critical. But right now I am running on low... so low. There is just so much mental, emotional, and physical stress on me right now and I am really overwhelmed. I just need some balance and today I was definitely out of balance.
Peace.
"I Don't Wanna Dance" - Hey Monday
I went to the bookstore and I could barely formulate my sentence in my sleepiness. I was so awkward around my new friends today and I felt so awkward.
I really need to find some balance. Tomorrow I will have to say no to new friends just for one day. I'll have all of next week to revel in these new found friendships. But meanwhile I am just so busy and I need to really balance out my life.
Once you cover the basics, the crises seem so less critical. But right now I am running on low... so low. There is just so much mental, emotional, and physical stress on me right now and I am really overwhelmed. I just need some balance and today I was definitely out of balance.
Peace.
"I Don't Wanna Dance" - Hey Monday
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Honestly How
How do you have confidence?
How do you have the self-assuredness to be honest with yourself, to be honest with the world?
I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I really did. I wish I could understand this world. I wish I wasn't made this way. I wish I could be normal like everyone else. I wish it could be easier. I wish my problem's felt more legitimate because they are so incredibly lame. I feel so pathetic. I am not sick. I am not mentally unstable. I am not injured. I am not rejected from life. I am not rejected from God. I just don't fit in with this stupid society.
It makes me feel so messed up. It makes me feel so worthless. It makes me feel like I can never follow my dreams. Do I even deserve to dream?
I still really don't know. I know that everything I am must be right. But everyone and everything in this society tells me that I am not normal. How can I be okay when the rest of the world disagrees? What am I supposed to do? I wish I could just satisfy the rest of this world, but I can't.
What do you believe in?
I believe in love. I believe in being yourself. I believe in finding God within your heart. I believe in nature. I believe in God. I believe in hope. I believe in prayer. I believe in spontaneity. I believe in life. I believe in myself.
But I feel so much that doesn't fit with what I believe in. I feel so much hatred of myself. I feel so much shame. I feel so much bitterness toward God. I feel so little love. I feel so lost.
Yet I know that in the end that God made me the way I was meant to be created. God wouldn't create people this way if they were messed up. Aren't we all created from God's image? Aren't we all children of God? God must surely make us the way we are because that is how it is meant to be. At least I hope so.
"In Your Sleep" - Andrew Belle
How do you have the self-assuredness to be honest with yourself, to be honest with the world?
I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I really did. I wish I could understand this world. I wish I wasn't made this way. I wish I could be normal like everyone else. I wish it could be easier. I wish my problem's felt more legitimate because they are so incredibly lame. I feel so pathetic. I am not sick. I am not mentally unstable. I am not injured. I am not rejected from life. I am not rejected from God. I just don't fit in with this stupid society.
It makes me feel so messed up. It makes me feel so worthless. It makes me feel like I can never follow my dreams. Do I even deserve to dream?
I still really don't know. I know that everything I am must be right. But everyone and everything in this society tells me that I am not normal. How can I be okay when the rest of the world disagrees? What am I supposed to do? I wish I could just satisfy the rest of this world, but I can't.
What do you believe in?
I believe in love. I believe in being yourself. I believe in finding God within your heart. I believe in nature. I believe in God. I believe in hope. I believe in prayer. I believe in spontaneity. I believe in life. I believe in myself.
But I feel so much that doesn't fit with what I believe in. I feel so much hatred of myself. I feel so much shame. I feel so much bitterness toward God. I feel so little love. I feel so lost.
Yet I know that in the end that God made me the way I was meant to be created. God wouldn't create people this way if they were messed up. Aren't we all created from God's image? Aren't we all children of God? God must surely make us the way we are because that is how it is meant to be. At least I hope so.
"In Your Sleep" - Andrew Belle
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Forgive
Forgive.
I always forgive. I always take the blame. I always apologize. I always allow myself to suffer for the betterment of my relationships. Yet this self-sacrifice has weakened my friendships.
I spent the past thirty minutes reading my posts from last August. I have changed. I realize now how important it really is to take care of myself. I realize how difficult finances are to handle. I realize the dangers of fear. I realize the value of real self-confidence. I realize the importance of being yourself.
Like last summer there are so many things I want to accomplish, but few I actually achieve.
Like last summer I have made mistakes.
Unlike last summer I am no longer deeply depressed.
Unlike last summer I am not being dishonest to myself.
Unlike last summer I am not trapped by my dreams.
Unlike last summer I do not feel the necessity to be a part of a group.
Today I continued by free-flowing attitude toward life. I woke up and went to the bath and bodyworks. I ate a tutta bella and got a free pizza. I put the dishes away. I helped my sister figure out registration stuff.
As I helped my friend look at colleges, I felt a twang of jealousy. I wish I was in her shoes. I wish I could start the whole process of college seeking again. I have so many regrets. Looking back I know I could have done so much better with the entire application process. I only wish I had all the maturity that I have gained in the past year.
Sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was able to apply to colleges again this year I would have done a much better job. I would have applied to schools that would have suited me best. Yet at the same time that whole saying of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, is just flat out wrong. Maybe it's actually that we are at the right place at the right time. Sure I would love to go to some exotic east coast school, but I am stuck with my biggest fear, the state school here at home. I learned that it is actually the fourth best college according to the Sierra Club. How cool is that? I realize that I am getting an incredible education at a ridiculous price. I could have spent three times as much to go to a top 20 college, but the quality of that education is only worth that much if I can really apply myself. Here at UW, I can find myself. I can apply myself. I can make mistakes. I can really reach for my dreams with few chains. I can make this college my own Ivy League, my own Berkeley. I have my list of grievances, but I can find ways to overcome my fears and discomforts.
So back to forgiveness. That's the whole point of this summer. I think it is all about forgiving myself for all I have been through. I need to stop moping and regretting my past. I need to forgive myself as conceited as that sounds. I need to move past my frustrations.
Likewise I need to forgive those I care about who have made their own mistakes. I just don't know how to forgive for everything. Should I be honest about myself? Should I just move forward as if nothing ever happened? Should I ever forgive?
"Your Biggest Mistake" - Ellie Goulding
I always forgive. I always take the blame. I always apologize. I always allow myself to suffer for the betterment of my relationships. Yet this self-sacrifice has weakened my friendships.
I spent the past thirty minutes reading my posts from last August. I have changed. I realize now how important it really is to take care of myself. I realize how difficult finances are to handle. I realize the dangers of fear. I realize the value of real self-confidence. I realize the importance of being yourself.
Like last summer there are so many things I want to accomplish, but few I actually achieve.
Like last summer I have made mistakes.
Unlike last summer I am no longer deeply depressed.
Unlike last summer I am not being dishonest to myself.
Unlike last summer I am not trapped by my dreams.
Unlike last summer I do not feel the necessity to be a part of a group.
Today I continued by free-flowing attitude toward life. I woke up and went to the bath and bodyworks. I ate a tutta bella and got a free pizza. I put the dishes away. I helped my sister figure out registration stuff.
As I helped my friend look at colleges, I felt a twang of jealousy. I wish I was in her shoes. I wish I could start the whole process of college seeking again. I have so many regrets. Looking back I know I could have done so much better with the entire application process. I only wish I had all the maturity that I have gained in the past year.
Sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was able to apply to colleges again this year I would have done a much better job. I would have applied to schools that would have suited me best. Yet at the same time that whole saying of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, is just flat out wrong. Maybe it's actually that we are at the right place at the right time. Sure I would love to go to some exotic east coast school, but I am stuck with my biggest fear, the state school here at home. I learned that it is actually the fourth best college according to the Sierra Club. How cool is that? I realize that I am getting an incredible education at a ridiculous price. I could have spent three times as much to go to a top 20 college, but the quality of that education is only worth that much if I can really apply myself. Here at UW, I can find myself. I can apply myself. I can make mistakes. I can really reach for my dreams with few chains. I can make this college my own Ivy League, my own Berkeley. I have my list of grievances, but I can find ways to overcome my fears and discomforts.
So back to forgiveness. That's the whole point of this summer. I think it is all about forgiving myself for all I have been through. I need to stop moping and regretting my past. I need to forgive myself as conceited as that sounds. I need to move past my frustrations.
Likewise I need to forgive those I care about who have made their own mistakes. I just don't know how to forgive for everything. Should I be honest about myself? Should I just move forward as if nothing ever happened? Should I ever forgive?
"Your Biggest Mistake" - Ellie Goulding
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A Little Lost
I don't understand why I am so difficult to motivate. I really wish I could just be satisfied with what I have. I am struggling with accepting the UW. It is really, really a great school. But I feel so lost. I feel so pathetic. What is the value of all those APs? What is the value of all those SAT practice sessions? Was all that lost sleep worth it? Was all that stress, anxiety, and hours of therapy worth this result? I nearly killed myself several times because of my stress from college. Dreams. We all have dreams, don't we? But my dream destroyed me and I didn't even get a chance to taste the fruits of my labor. Going to UW makes me feel like I have to spend another four years working on at the labor camp. This cloudy climate and these same people are just not as stimulating as I hoped they would be. I have so many doubts. I have so many fears. And I can't seem to find any inspiration. I really am frustrated with the difficulty of the class scheduling. I am frustrated by how large the school feels. I am frustrated with how unmotivated my friends are. I am frustrated by how cramped the dorm situation is. I am frustrated by how lowly I feel at this college.
I want to explore. I want to see the rest of this magnificent world. Yet I am spending the next four years of my life here in the state of Washington. And UW has the wonderful statistic that 74% of graduates stay in this state. Seriously? Only 26% leave? I mean I love Washington, but there is so much more of this world I want to see that I cannot fathom staying in this one place much longer. And with all the stress of my class scheduling I doubt I can study abroad at this rate.
I know that I will face challenges in college. I just was hoping that I could experience so much of this world and its splendor. I just was hoping to break away from all the misery that Washington reminds me of. I was just hoping to start fresh. I was just hoping to be inspired. I will have to face my fears. I will have to make the most of what I have.
It's like swimming at the lake today. If I had gone anywhere else for college it would have been like taking a nice boat or maybe a yacht across the lake. You can spend a lot of money and have an enjoyable time crossing the lake without getting cold, wet, or tired. UW is like swimming across the lake. It's challenging. It's lonely. It's affordable. It's possible. And in the end you get that feeling of exuberance and pride from having successfully accomplished such a feat. It's not as fast or fancy, but it's more worthwhile and in the end I will learn so much. I will wade sometimes, tread the water at others, but most importantly I am taking the plunge. I am going for my dreams, and if this means swimming in the frigid Lake Washington then swimming it will be.
"The Perfect Mistake" - Cartel
I want to explore. I want to see the rest of this magnificent world. Yet I am spending the next four years of my life here in the state of Washington. And UW has the wonderful statistic that 74% of graduates stay in this state. Seriously? Only 26% leave? I mean I love Washington, but there is so much more of this world I want to see that I cannot fathom staying in this one place much longer. And with all the stress of my class scheduling I doubt I can study abroad at this rate.
I know that I will face challenges in college. I just was hoping that I could experience so much of this world and its splendor. I just was hoping to break away from all the misery that Washington reminds me of. I was just hoping to start fresh. I was just hoping to be inspired. I will have to face my fears. I will have to make the most of what I have.
It's like swimming at the lake today. If I had gone anywhere else for college it would have been like taking a nice boat or maybe a yacht across the lake. You can spend a lot of money and have an enjoyable time crossing the lake without getting cold, wet, or tired. UW is like swimming across the lake. It's challenging. It's lonely. It's affordable. It's possible. And in the end you get that feeling of exuberance and pride from having successfully accomplished such a feat. It's not as fast or fancy, but it's more worthwhile and in the end I will learn so much. I will wade sometimes, tread the water at others, but most importantly I am taking the plunge. I am going for my dreams, and if this means swimming in the frigid Lake Washington then swimming it will be.
"The Perfect Mistake" - Cartel
Monday, August 16, 2010
Letter
Dear God,
Why am I the person who I am? I am curdling in jealousy. I am writhing in discomfort and skepticism. I am cruel. I am messed up. I lack convictions. I am unmotivated. I am so fearful. I am so frustrated.
I keep wondering if this is how I am supposed to end up. I mean, dear lord, why am I this way? Am I supposed to accept who I am right now? What if I change? Can I change? Can I still try to fit into the perfect life I dream of living? Am I merely giving into my cravings?
Everything seems messed up. The things I dream about living are all turned upside down. My life. From college to love. From friendships to finances to family. I can't sleep a normal schedule. I can't seem to find the positive attitude I need for university here. I can't fit in with my friends. I can't appease my family. I can't change my grandma's illness. I can't change the things I hate about myself.
So what on earth am I doing with my life? I don't even know. What do I want? What do I seek? Money? Security? Family? Romance? Faith?
I don't understand why some of my friends seem to think its okay to totally not care about people. I don't understand why some of my friends seem to have their priorities misaligned. I don't understand why some of my friends are so self-absorbed. I don't understand a lot of the people in my life. I don't even understand myself.
I sense that I have been living too much on my emotions. I need to return out of the shadows and into the daylight of reason. I have a friend who couldn't go with me to the beach today. I felt so guilty. I wanted to make it work for my friend. But she keeps doing so much in her life and never giving time to breathe that I just can't bend anymore. I am saddened that I can't spend all the time I want with her, but I can't feel guilty all the time either. Similarly, I skipped going to my friend's concert today, if I can still call him my friend. I have other friends in that orchestra, but I just couldn't get to the concert today, nor did I desire to attend. I felt quite guilty, but the music brings me so much pain; I just can't handle it.
I really wish someone would understand. I wish my friends would accept me. I wish my friends would be able to understand me. I wish my friends could be my God, but they are not. They are human, inherently imperfect creatures. I love my friends, but I think I need to take a step back from all this friend business, really from all the things in my life that create all my craziness and spend a few days just figuring out my own life.
God, you must get a lot of crap. Everyone complains about their lives to you. Everyone seeks your forgiveness. I don't understand why I can only be atoned once each year, but that's just how you do things. I'm sorry you have to deal with all these expectations, all these pressures, and all this craziness. I appreciate you just for being alive in my soul. I guess when I spend time looking within myself I feel closer to you. That's why I need to really meditate. I need to stop spending my time on this ugly machine. I need to spend more time appreciating your glory and understanding all that makes me human, the beautiful image of you tarnished by our sinfulness.
I really feel so small and insignificant. When I saw your shooting stars in the desert I was so inspired. When I witnessed the breadth of your wonder in the cosmos I realized how magnificent you really are. When you gave me that feeling in my heart I realized that you are so much more than the creator of nature's splendor. When you created that sound at the concert and jolted my heart with the music my emotions awakened. When you fill me with guilt and shame after all my sin I am reminded of your power. You are almighty, but I am not afraid. I love you and I know that you have created me to be imperfect. At my most deep and meaningful core I know that I must trust you. I still don't understand why you allow so much evil in this world, but I guess we as humans have been left to figure out how to repair this world. I will practice Tikkun Olam as much as I can. I will look inside myself. I will tear open my soul. I will clear my mind. I will free my heart. I will allow you to enter me.
Love,
max
"The Writer" - Ellie Goulding
Why am I the person who I am? I am curdling in jealousy. I am writhing in discomfort and skepticism. I am cruel. I am messed up. I lack convictions. I am unmotivated. I am so fearful. I am so frustrated.
I keep wondering if this is how I am supposed to end up. I mean, dear lord, why am I this way? Am I supposed to accept who I am right now? What if I change? Can I change? Can I still try to fit into the perfect life I dream of living? Am I merely giving into my cravings?
Everything seems messed up. The things I dream about living are all turned upside down. My life. From college to love. From friendships to finances to family. I can't sleep a normal schedule. I can't seem to find the positive attitude I need for university here. I can't fit in with my friends. I can't appease my family. I can't change my grandma's illness. I can't change the things I hate about myself.
So what on earth am I doing with my life? I don't even know. What do I want? What do I seek? Money? Security? Family? Romance? Faith?
I don't understand why some of my friends seem to think its okay to totally not care about people. I don't understand why some of my friends seem to have their priorities misaligned. I don't understand why some of my friends are so self-absorbed. I don't understand a lot of the people in my life. I don't even understand myself.
I sense that I have been living too much on my emotions. I need to return out of the shadows and into the daylight of reason. I have a friend who couldn't go with me to the beach today. I felt so guilty. I wanted to make it work for my friend. But she keeps doing so much in her life and never giving time to breathe that I just can't bend anymore. I am saddened that I can't spend all the time I want with her, but I can't feel guilty all the time either. Similarly, I skipped going to my friend's concert today, if I can still call him my friend. I have other friends in that orchestra, but I just couldn't get to the concert today, nor did I desire to attend. I felt quite guilty, but the music brings me so much pain; I just can't handle it.
I really wish someone would understand. I wish my friends would accept me. I wish my friends would be able to understand me. I wish my friends could be my God, but they are not. They are human, inherently imperfect creatures. I love my friends, but I think I need to take a step back from all this friend business, really from all the things in my life that create all my craziness and spend a few days just figuring out my own life.
God, you must get a lot of crap. Everyone complains about their lives to you. Everyone seeks your forgiveness. I don't understand why I can only be atoned once each year, but that's just how you do things. I'm sorry you have to deal with all these expectations, all these pressures, and all this craziness. I appreciate you just for being alive in my soul. I guess when I spend time looking within myself I feel closer to you. That's why I need to really meditate. I need to stop spending my time on this ugly machine. I need to spend more time appreciating your glory and understanding all that makes me human, the beautiful image of you tarnished by our sinfulness.
I really feel so small and insignificant. When I saw your shooting stars in the desert I was so inspired. When I witnessed the breadth of your wonder in the cosmos I realized how magnificent you really are. When you gave me that feeling in my heart I realized that you are so much more than the creator of nature's splendor. When you created that sound at the concert and jolted my heart with the music my emotions awakened. When you fill me with guilt and shame after all my sin I am reminded of your power. You are almighty, but I am not afraid. I love you and I know that you have created me to be imperfect. At my most deep and meaningful core I know that I must trust you. I still don't understand why you allow so much evil in this world, but I guess we as humans have been left to figure out how to repair this world. I will practice Tikkun Olam as much as I can. I will look inside myself. I will tear open my soul. I will clear my mind. I will free my heart. I will allow you to enter me.
Love,
max
"The Writer" - Ellie Goulding
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
That California Closet
Today I cleared out my closet. For years, really since I have been a little kid this closet has been full of clutter. Today I emptied out the mess. I vacuumed the disgusting carpet. I sorted all the random stuff that had accumulated over all these years. It is really amazing what can exist in a space, or rather how much space can exist in a closet. I always knew that it was a "California closet" but today I discovered that it truly is a California closet. I had a delightful dance party in black light with my sister in the closet.
And now as I go into my room leaving my fun little closet, I see how much clutter I have to clean up in my room. I have so much clutter I have to clean up inside my room and in the rest of my life. But you can't stay inside a pleasant and clean closet your entire life. I had my fun in the closet but now I am going to put all that clutter back into my closet, neatly tucked away. I will move forward and enjoy my time in my room, and when I leave for college I will start afresh with a neat little dorm.
It really helps to clean up your life. It is incredibly refreshing to discover all that space. It is incredibly refreshing to discover even more space when you open more doors. All this freedom, what am I going to do with it?
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows
And now as I go into my room leaving my fun little closet, I see how much clutter I have to clean up in my room. I have so much clutter I have to clean up inside my room and in the rest of my life. But you can't stay inside a pleasant and clean closet your entire life. I had my fun in the closet but now I am going to put all that clutter back into my closet, neatly tucked away. I will move forward and enjoy my time in my room, and when I leave for college I will start afresh with a neat little dorm.
It really helps to clean up your life. It is incredibly refreshing to discover all that space. It is incredibly refreshing to discover even more space when you open more doors. All this freedom, what am I going to do with it?
"Colorblind" - Counting Crows
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Waves Create Beaches
"Oh No" - Marina and the Diamonds
Lyrics:
Lyrics:
Don't do love, don't do friends
I'm only after success
Don't need a relationship
I'll never soften my grip
Don't want cash, don't want car
Want it fast, want it hard
Don't need money, don't need fame
I just want to make a change
I just wanna change (x4)
CHORUS:
I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no
One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I'm the worst
So I always act like I'm the best
If you are not very careful
Your possessions will possess you
TV taught me how to feel
Now real life has no appeal
It has no appeal (x4)
(chorus repeat twice)
I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly,
I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly
I'm gonna fail, gonna die, die, die, die
(chorus repeat twice)
Da-da-dum...
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no
Wow, this song incredibly conveys the change I am making in my life.
Until recently I lived my entire life as suggested by the lyrics of the song. I ignored all of the
wonderful things about life like love and friendship. I tried to handle my personal emotional
struggles by working toward my goals. I lived my entire life for things like Berkeley and
whatever the next dream would be. But suddenly I have been thrust into reality. I am not
going to Berkeley.
Now I have no specific dreams. I don't live under this false impression that I need to have a
certain accomplishment to discover happiness. I can find happiness in the small things. I can
adapt to the changes I will face. I can be myself. It would be easier to have a certain goal like law
school at Berkeley and become a lawyer, but I know that I won't be happy if I get myself on a
track again. I will still work hard. I will still seek success, but rather than living like a horse with
blinders I will actually look around me often.
We all get trapped in tunnel vision time after time. We have to free ourselves from the grip of
this tunnel vision. I had to do so by accepting myself and coming to grips with reality. I still have
dreams, often wild ones, but my happiness no longer is held hostage by them. Rather I am
discovering how to dream, live, and love all at the same time.
As I was at the park today I had a lot to say to my best friend. It was only a small amount of
words, but it meant a lot. For me it was incredibly difficult. But I hope it only makes life better
for the both of us. Along the lakeshore the waves kept crashing and crashing. Eventually those
waves create beaches. It all seems like such a metaphor. At first in life there is awkwardness, that
first touch of water and rock. Then there is the chilly breaking of the ice, followed by a rather
cordial wrapping of the water around the rock. However after a while there are storms and the
rocks and water crash together. If one can survive that craziness the beaches can exist, the
paradise comes out of the storms.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
General Rant
I hate the blue angels! Why on earth did I not know about their practices over the bridge today? Seriously? Why God? Why this? Haven't I had enough? First I choose to go to the "safe" school, UW, instead of following my dreams. But this school has given me nothing but crap this summer. I have done my research and I have tried to figure out how to best accomplish my dreams without Berkeley or some Ivy League. Yet it seems just so impossible. I went to advising and orientation and I tried my best to find the positives in every aspect of the university, but I am tired of trying to impress myself. For my sake, UW impress me for once! I am still spending money to go to this college, but I definitely feel like I am getting half the value of the college I want. I feel like this safe option is really just the stupid choice. I feel so trapped here. I hate that all these people from my high school go here. I hate that my good friend seems to hate the school and I am pretending to love it. I hate faking my feelings. I hate this bureaucracy. I had a stupid noon time appointment to figure out my next four years because this university insists on punishing students who have too much AP credit. This is just ridiculous! I can't take electives because I have so much AP credit! Why on earth should I have to graduate on a time limit because I worked so hard during high school. Do I get any credit for all the work I did? NO! UW rejected me from the honors program and now they punish me for doing well with AP coursework. They make it so difficult to find classes that you need to take. I don't know how I can possibly do a double degree at this college either. My current schedule plan doesn't fit in the double degree. And then when I think I have some hope, when I have a chance to finally talk to someone about all this, the stupid blue angels decide to have practice and close the I-90. I sat in 45 min. of traffic and I have no air conditioning. I am covered in disgusting sweat and filled with so much anxiety. I can just see all my dreams floating away from me right now. I can't even be honest about all this stuff with anyone. I know I should feel lucky to be going to such a great school, but I still feel so inferior, so pathetic. I have dreamed for so many things in my life and UW was not in that dream world. I dreamed of colleges that would impress me, but my stupid self-entitlement makes me hate everything that is lesser. I hate myself so much right now. I hate that I have worked so hard and pushed myself into misery for this dream that I can no longer have. I don't know what to do. I hate all this bad luck. I just want God to send me a good omen. Stop sending me omens that signal all this negativity. My trip to Vancouver got messed up. My prom got messed up. My college situation got entirely screwed. And I know it's my fault, but please dear God let me at least have something. Let me at least have the right roommate or the classes I want. But I already can't get the classes I need and I had to reschedule my appointment with advising until tomorrow, when the classes will fill up even more. I am just so hot, tired, and sweaty right now and I just want something in my life to work out. I feel so lost. I want to be free, and I feel so trapped. I hate how I cannot seem to fit in anywhere. I cannot seem to just be normal like everyone else. I hate how at UW I feel like I need to be normal. I feel so trapped like in high school. I am so afraid. I don't have my safety blanket of my honors college and high ego. I don't have the classes I want. I don't have total financial freedom. I don't have anything that can free me from this pit of misery. I want to explore, I want to figure out who I am, but I am so trapped here in Washington. I want to study abroad, but the stupid UW won't let me if I want to also do well. I feel like I am stuck here in Seattle for the rest of my life and nobody seems to understand. And I just don't want this at all. I know I should be happier, but I am not. I am so trapped in so many ways. Reality is so harsh and I guess I am just learning how to deal with it, but I just want some peace in my life. I want to be able to handle these situations without freaking out every time like I do, but I don't know how to control my emotions. I have so much emotion stuck inside me right now, in every aspect of my life. I hate my life so much, I just want a new start. And UW in no way seems to signal this new start. I feel so trapped at UW like I am trapped by high school. I hated high school so much. I thought college would be a fantastic experience, but so far it has been HELL.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A&O
I completed my University of Washington advising and orientation (A & O) today. It was rather stressful. I realized how crazy it is to complete a double degree, yet I also am motivated to accomplish my goals. I just might not be able to do all the crazy things I want to do in the short time I have at the UW.
Orientation was crazy, but I could sum up my lessons with brevity.
1. Conformity
I have always wanted to be the non-conformist. I wanted to go to Berkeley to "fit-in" with the non-conformists. I wanted to go to some fancy brand name school to be the non-conformist. Surprisingly, that was actually me conforming I realize. I realize that I wanted to go to those cool name schools mostly because everyone around me wanted to. It is really hard to be the outcast of friends who is contented with the nearby state school, but I guess that makes me more of a non-conformist. While I hate being with everyone from high school here, I really have an opportunity to be an individual here instead of being controlled by financial limitations. Social limitations are difficult to overcome, but much more possible than monetary controls. While it may seem daunting to be myself amongst so many people from high school, if I cannot create my unique identity amongst these people how can I do so with new people, or in the rest of my future. I will be my own person and I will not allow people to control me in fear of their judgments. Still I feel so awkward around everyone, and I just don't know how people can be so comfortable in life. I am just such an awkward person and I really dislike it. I wish I could just fit in with everyone else and be... normal. Maybe if I just try to be myself more, live freely, then maybe I can be less awkward and more confident.
2. Individualism
I always knew that UW would be less personal, but I didn't realize it would be so crazily individualistic. I guess there are benefits to this. Nobody is in your face telling you what to do. Yet I still feel so lost. I need guidance. Nevertheless all this anxiety I struggle with in making my own decisions will be hopefully overcome through this individualistic structure. I will learn to adapt. I have never gone to school without friends to go to classes with, but for the first time I will actually be an individual, I will forge my own path and meet others developing similar paths. Whatever happens, I will definitely have an interesting time here, learning to be myself and adapt. UW is all about adaptation. UW is about going with the flow and creating strong learning habits for the future. UW is about making the most out of life. I think I will be pushed to really overcome some of my most innate fears at this majestic institution.
3. Anticipation
I have always dreaded going to the school only 25 min. away. I met a fellow Husky who also had the choice to be a Golden Bear. We both obviously chose the local, cheaper, less prestigious college, and we both shared some similar regrets and frustrations. In no way is UW as amazing at first as Berkeley. It just doesn't share that aura. However in the end, the courses I take here at UW will be considerably similar and the learning will be just as strong. It is all up to me. And I really am surprised by this school. I really think this will be a fantastic place for me and I cannot wait to go to college. The Dawg Daze seem a little kooky, yet it looks like a fabulous way for me to become part of this college that I have never really been excited about. I guess the good thing about low expectations is that they can only be impressed. One other good point is that usually I note flaws of places immediately. UW sure had its share of flaws, but I was surprised that I wasn't overwhelmed with criticism like some schools I felt (especially the ones in DC that I almost went to... good thing I stayed out here). The people will definitely be the best part of this school; they are all so friendly and chill. And I sure love the architecture. This place is not perfect, but I know that it will offer me the best next four years and the perfect stepping stones for the rest of my life.
4. Disappointment
Like everything in life, we face disappointment. I will talk to an adviser on Thursday, but I would like to see if I can still have my dreams fulfilled. I really want to study both International Studies and Enviro. Sci., but I don't know if I can't do it all. I couldn't even find classes that fit with my times for autumn quarter, but I will quickly figure it all out... I hope. We cannot always receive what we ask for. I have searched and searched, but there are just no classes that suit my needs entirely. If life were so simple, it would be too easy. We all learn to mold to whatever pattern we find.
"Time" - Hans Zimmer (Inception Soundtrack)
Orientation was crazy, but I could sum up my lessons with brevity.
1. Conformity
I have always wanted to be the non-conformist. I wanted to go to Berkeley to "fit-in" with the non-conformists. I wanted to go to some fancy brand name school to be the non-conformist. Surprisingly, that was actually me conforming I realize. I realize that I wanted to go to those cool name schools mostly because everyone around me wanted to. It is really hard to be the outcast of friends who is contented with the nearby state school, but I guess that makes me more of a non-conformist. While I hate being with everyone from high school here, I really have an opportunity to be an individual here instead of being controlled by financial limitations. Social limitations are difficult to overcome, but much more possible than monetary controls. While it may seem daunting to be myself amongst so many people from high school, if I cannot create my unique identity amongst these people how can I do so with new people, or in the rest of my future. I will be my own person and I will not allow people to control me in fear of their judgments. Still I feel so awkward around everyone, and I just don't know how people can be so comfortable in life. I am just such an awkward person and I really dislike it. I wish I could just fit in with everyone else and be... normal. Maybe if I just try to be myself more, live freely, then maybe I can be less awkward and more confident.
2. Individualism
I always knew that UW would be less personal, but I didn't realize it would be so crazily individualistic. I guess there are benefits to this. Nobody is in your face telling you what to do. Yet I still feel so lost. I need guidance. Nevertheless all this anxiety I struggle with in making my own decisions will be hopefully overcome through this individualistic structure. I will learn to adapt. I have never gone to school without friends to go to classes with, but for the first time I will actually be an individual, I will forge my own path and meet others developing similar paths. Whatever happens, I will definitely have an interesting time here, learning to be myself and adapt. UW is all about adaptation. UW is about going with the flow and creating strong learning habits for the future. UW is about making the most out of life. I think I will be pushed to really overcome some of my most innate fears at this majestic institution.
3. Anticipation
I have always dreaded going to the school only 25 min. away. I met a fellow Husky who also had the choice to be a Golden Bear. We both obviously chose the local, cheaper, less prestigious college, and we both shared some similar regrets and frustrations. In no way is UW as amazing at first as Berkeley. It just doesn't share that aura. However in the end, the courses I take here at UW will be considerably similar and the learning will be just as strong. It is all up to me. And I really am surprised by this school. I really think this will be a fantastic place for me and I cannot wait to go to college. The Dawg Daze seem a little kooky, yet it looks like a fabulous way for me to become part of this college that I have never really been excited about. I guess the good thing about low expectations is that they can only be impressed. One other good point is that usually I note flaws of places immediately. UW sure had its share of flaws, but I was surprised that I wasn't overwhelmed with criticism like some schools I felt (especially the ones in DC that I almost went to... good thing I stayed out here). The people will definitely be the best part of this school; they are all so friendly and chill. And I sure love the architecture. This place is not perfect, but I know that it will offer me the best next four years and the perfect stepping stones for the rest of my life.
4. Disappointment
Like everything in life, we face disappointment. I will talk to an adviser on Thursday, but I would like to see if I can still have my dreams fulfilled. I really want to study both International Studies and Enviro. Sci., but I don't know if I can't do it all. I couldn't even find classes that fit with my times for autumn quarter, but I will quickly figure it all out... I hope. We cannot always receive what we ask for. I have searched and searched, but there are just no classes that suit my needs entirely. If life were so simple, it would be too easy. We all learn to mold to whatever pattern we find.
"Time" - Hans Zimmer (Inception Soundtrack)