The San Juan Islands are such gorgeous features of the Northwest. I had a marvelous weekend, refreshing my spirit in the salty breezes as the ferry chugged across the Rosario Strait, as I gathered nudibranchs and slime stars off of San Juan Island, among new friends from far-off places, and rested along the shores of the Friday Harbor laboratory. It was a wonderful experience. I really hope to visit that magical place again sometime soon.
Since then I have run into many other encounters. I did manage to lose my wallet. I also have fallen behind and caught up on my homework. I set up a specific plan for my finals dead week. I feel all over the place, both refreshed and nervous. I have struggled to keep myself up to my promises in the past towards my plans for academics and everything else it seems. Yet I have new devices at my disposal like my happy dream thoughts in the morning, my improved time management, and my refreshing balance of joyful moments I have grown accustomed to.
My big shift I hope to make is to exercise more in the upcoming week. I rarely exercise when I am busy because of the time constraint, but I hope to make time this week to exercise since I have several later mornings and it is now that time of year when I cannot complain about the chill outdoors.
I will find some sense of center and peace in the midst of the craziness that envelopes me. I think it will all work out. I refuse to be the answer to that craziness equation.
My birthday was a wonderful evening in many ways, but I was so exhausted from last week. I enjoyed my dinner and frozen yogurt, but it wasn't as delicious as before. I think I need to stop eating so much good food and spend less money, eating more nutritious, but less amazing food normally, saving the moolah for the special nights and splendid meals. It is weird being a year older. I feel like I have actually learned a lot this year and grown a lot. I think this next year will open even more doors for me, but they will probably be unexpected for the most part.
The next day I had my party. It was incredibly tiring as I tried desperately to fit the party into my tight definition of impossible perfection. I can be so controlling and it is awful when I try to plan a party that is enjoyable for everyone. Still it was an enjoyable event, and I believe that most people enjoyed their time there making me pleased. But I have learned my lesson that there is only so much I can do to make a party a wonderful affair and I have to also enjoy the time myself.
After that craziness I dressed up as an octopus at the green festival when I volunteered for People for Puget Sound. It was my first time volunteering in months and it was quite marvelous to interact with so many different people and encourage people to care more about the beautiful and rich Puget Sound. It was refreshing to do something I truly care about.
I had a lovely coffee talk with my good friend and finally had some closure about a lot of different stuff that we had shared and dealt with. It was a good conversation and though I feel we have gone our separate ways, I have so much respect and admiration for my friend, all she has gone through and all that she will do in her life. I have incredible hope for her and she really inspired me to keep going for my dreams and stay motivated.
The following day I met up with some other friends I had some estrangement with previously. Nothing blatant, but I always had felt disconnected from these people, while trying desperately to be their friends all of high school. Now I realize that there was nothing special about these folks in particular. I am sure that they are great people, but the superficial traits that awed me like their stellar grades, innate charisma, and seemingly perfect group dynamic were so flawed and unfounded. While they are lovely people I know realize that my constant jealousy of them is so silly. I am my own person and while I am not living like them off in fancy distant colleges, I am finding peace in my life and I have some of the best friends in the world right here in Seattle. Life is fantastic and I wish the best for my friends. We may be on separate paths, but I feel like in the end we all end up at the same place, more confused, more aware, more human, more real, more alive.
Another therapy session went quite well and my therapist encouraged me to deal with all my stresses and anxieties by starting each morning with 30 seconds of thought in a happy place like my winter vacation in San Diego or the beach in Hawaii and many other spectacular and securedly happy moments. This has worked impressively well even when I am utterly sleepy and empty of energy and happiness. I believe it has helped me improve my confidence and restored a sense of peace amidst all the craziness and imbalance of the past week.
I had an interview for an internship and it went pretty well; I actually got my internship! I was so thrilled to have finally gotten something that I had worked for. I think it symbolizes the transformation of my life. I have become more organized, but also more aware of myself, more human, and more confident. All of these pieces helped me overcome fears like talking on the phone, interviewing, or turning in an application. These challenges have held me back in so many ways in the past, but I feel like I am turning around. I have so much to learn about life, but adulthood looks like many open doors and hallways are before me.
Today I had an oral interview in Japanese that had beleaguered me all week. It was not perfect, but it went better than I expected. I was thrilled to have finally completed all the stresses of my week. The day continued and the sun did finally come out to my joy. I then had an interesting dinner with my cousin from Texas. She is so different from me, yet a good quarter of our genes are shared quite similarly. She is quite conservative and Christian, monoracial, and from Texas of all places, yet she is only a few years older than me, quite focused and ambitious, and seems to be just as human as anyone. It is wonderful to finally have family in this area, but it is weird in many ways. We have never had family besides ourselves here in the Pacific Northwest. But I am very excited to have someone new here and even though we might have a culture shock between our two very dissimilar identities, we may find more in common than in difference.
Today was quite marvelous with all the sunshine and all, not to mention my best friend's birthday. Nevertheless I have been so stressed by so much going on every day. I have all these expectations for life and all these fantastic goals in my world, and all the craziness is building up in life. I have this crazy party I am trying to organize and it is causing me so much anticipation. I even had a nightmare about waking up late and having to trudge through a creepy crowd to reach my party. I am somewhat frustrated, but I think that everything will work out even if the weather turns out worse than expected.
I am excited to be another year older and wiser. Tomorrow will be contemplative and reflective. Until then I am going to contentedly sleep well and enjoy these last few moments as a youthful eighteen-year-old.
So many expectations, so many hopes, yet life carries on without a care. All we can do is smile and shine!
Today I woke up rather exhausted for seemingly no reason, but I had to get going to class and carry out my day. I looked out at the weather and was disappointed by the dreariness. I should be acclimatized to this weather by now, yet I remain just as exasperated by clouds as I always have been. I checked the forecast, and to my dismay the weather prediction for a week ahead was wonderful except the one day I really need excellent weather. Thankfully the prediction was for a decent temperature and overcast skies; something workable for my party planning.
The day was going just fine until I entered my Japanese class. At first things seemed smooth as I took my vocabulary quiz, but I quickly was disheartened by the mediocre score I earned on my previous vocabulary quiz, all my participation in class was marked by significant grammatical errors, and finally my emotions crashed when I saw my score on the page from my midterm. I felt like crying. I am not the best at Japanese, but I am good at school; it is my strongest suit in life. I have worked incredibly hard, especially this year to become an excellent scholar, but I have discovered that even I have certain subjects that are more challenging than others. I don't have as much passion for Japanese as I do for other subjects, and I definitely have less of a consistent passion for it. While I am eager to fully understand the Japanese language, often I am overwhelmed by the other subjects I am studying and I fall back on Japanese because of my strong background knowledge. Unfortunately there comes a point upon which that background knowledge no longer helps, especially in something like Japanese. Unlike other subjects in which my praxis is deep and has undergone extensive moulding, like my geography, reading, math, problem solving, and scientific analysis skills, I am fairly undeveloped in certain fields like language, and especially art, sport, and computer science. Like all people I can definitely learn how to do these things through trial and error, and like all other people I only have time to do so much. There are costs and benefits to devoting time toward practicing certain skills and unfortunately Japanese just does not have as strong of a benefit compared to the other subjects I am practicing. Nevertheless the weakness of my grade on the midterm was too expensive in terms of the transferred study time and I will have to make up for it in a massive restructuring of my study habits in the next few weeks before I take my final and conclude my Japanese learning. Thankfully this midterm was merely eight percent of my grade, and though it has a large impact on my overall grade because it was quite weak, I can blunt its weight through a determined effort, redoubling my focus to conquer this class and solidify my understanding of Japanese. I already began this transformation by attending a CLUE session for Japanese to start the practice. Even though I will never be at a level that satisfies me unless something magical happens, I can work hard to near that point, almost like an asymptote, but hopefully somehow I will break that point and actually reach my goal.
Today was not totally miserable. I had other falling outs like forgetting to do some errand or running behind on errands, but I also managed to complete all of my chemistry homework which gave me hope that I actually understand something. I enjoyed a delicious protein shake and hung out with some friends in my dorm. I ate a deliciously comforting lunch amidst the emotional wreckage of that test. And the sun started to peak out of the sky, just a little. This evening I reminded myself of joy by watching some old Ugly Betty videos and I felt my heart skip a beat with joy as I watched that lovely television show.
Probably the biggest thing today was my Mixed Club meeting. I generally don't feel like they are worthwhile generally, but I realized how complex reality is. I was reminded in my meeting about the unique situation faced by people who are mixed and even though it may seem like there are not that many issues because we have conquered so many different racial issues in America, there remain many struggles and difficulties merely with differences and being multiracial is one of those distinct differences. I love my heritage and while I can say that I have escaped discrimination in many ways because I am mixed and because I am fortunate enough to live in a time and place where racial discrimination is almost nonexistent, there are many problems that exist still and must not be ignored. It reminded me of how in life there is no easy way of thinking about things. We can try to label and categorize different situations, behaviors, or physics, but in the end there are such grand complexities that bewilder even the wisest humans. Look at the simplest of matter, the atom and realize that the electron orbitals are not distinct circular rhythmical patterns, but are more complex orbitals of certain probabilities with not just a top spin and down spin quanta, but also three other charges measuring the momentum of angles, motion, and energy itself. This complex system is the most basic system of our planet, yet even within that basis exists a complex set of physics that most scientists cannot truly understand. Even more intuitive sciences are more dynamic. Look at mutualism, the community ecology concept of positive-positive interactions between species like cleaning shrimp and wide-jawed fish. While this has a working dynamic, the reality shows that if for some reason the fish simply decides to eat the shrimp or the relationship stops working, the mutualism can transform into consumption, parasitism, or competition, all negative relationships for one species or another. Life is complex and that is why I cannot forget to continue to discover and explore the world. As I unpeel one layer of the onion of the world's knowledge I discover more depth and complexity than ever before. The negatives and positives are inconsequential in the larger realm of the universe. There is only room for wonder and inspiration in this grandiose world we live in.
I had a lot of heart to heart conversations today. Today was one of those days when I was quite tired from life and sort of miserable, but by mid afternoon a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while actually called me. I think he has finally caught up to me in terms of making our friendship a mutual two-way relationship rather than the one-sided yucky one that seemed to be until after we split our ways across the country for college. I feel like I have finally reached peace with him and we can have an awesome summer.
That was only the beginning. I went to my second appointment with my therapist and I opened my eyes so much to who I am and why I am struggling with so much. I felt like I opened up so many new perspectives and the analysis of myself was deep enough to well up some tears. I wrote so much about that experience and I finally felt like I had opened a new barrier that had been encased for so long.
As I went through the rest of my evening I had a really amazing conversation with my closest friends and I felt like I broke through even more barriers with them. I had so much quiet and subtle tension recently with my friends and I finally felt like I opened up a lot of the struggles that I had shared with them. They also opened up to me and I felt closer than ever before to my familial circle of friends.
To top it all off, a girl on my floor noticed my distress after so much heart-wrenching conversation and we had a jolly chat about all sorts of things. It was great to finally have a real conversation with someone on the floor! I can't believe it took me this long, but I guess I really need to show my vulnerability more often to other people sometimes. People don't trust you if you seem superhuman and insensitive. I think I am a friendly rather kind person on the inside and I think finally someone saw that inside me.
I am so happy, but now I have to do all the work that I have put off. Oh well. Life goes on and if I keep on going I can live such a wonderful life!
Of all the dreams I seek, I seek to be always an inquisitive person. When I am in situations of discomfort, newness, or complication, I need to remember to have an inquisitive nature to truly enjoy the glory of life. I can discover joy in the sleek aluminum casing of my laptop, of the delicious pineapple fried rice in the dorm, through the winds blowing through the window, amongst the scholarship of the law library, around the grimy, yet comforting atmosphere of the ave. I have always been proud of my curiosity and it has been key to all the happiness and success that I have encountered in life. Whenever I wander off the path and discover something unexpected I learn a lot from it and I grow into a better person. I also love the thrill of discovery. There is nothing more wonderful than encountering a new alcove in the forest, figuring out a complex problem, having the lightbulb go off in your head!
Yet, so often I forget or lose track of my inquisitiveness. Usually sleepiness murders my curiosity, but so do my bouts of depression. I need to really work on a more regular sleeping schedule, but also I can hopefully heal from the depression with more awareness towards my inquisitiveness.
Every day I keep hoping I will get stronger, but I keep struggling. For the past five days I have been on task, getting things down at least in the school and family realm, and I have been rather proud of my success, but I am so behind on so many other goals in my life. There is so much in my life besides school, yet it takes up abut 70-80% of my awake hours, even counting the weekends. It's quite exhausting. I want to do some things to tackle wasted time though.
For one, I tend to spend a lot of time on the computer because I do so much work. I am determined to change this in the next week. I want to spend as little time on the computer as possible in this upcoming week. I currently force myself to go on the computer a lot because I use a time card to record how much time I spend on homework, but I end up spending a lot of time distracted on the computer because it is so accessible when I keep it open to record the homework time. I guess I'll keep using it to measure my homework, but I'll close my computer when doing so to avoid distraction, or maybe I'll stop worrying so much about how much time I spend doing homework and just try to get it done and learn as much as I can from my material.
There are a lot of problems I seem to face and many expectations I fail to meet in life. But how will I ever improve if I don't take some time to just flat out rest and recover, be myself and free myself from the restraints that seem to chain me in misery? I need to take this weekend and fully rejuvenate myself from the stresses of this week. I need to relax and spend time alone, reflecting on life, living joyfully, doing fun things, and taking photographs. I need to give myself some peace as I keep running nonstop with no passion, determination, or direction.
It just seems like I am never able to escape the negativity that shrouds me or the stress that makes me feel so awful. I get those brief moments where I feel happy, but it's just so rare and I want those happy moments to be more of a part of my day. I want to revive the passion that always kept me going through challenging times. I'm thankful I'm out of my deep depression now, because this lack of passion is bringing me down just as much; both combined would generate an abysmal cocktail.
I keep hoping that everything works out. I am questioning so much in my life, pondering so many thoughts. I am searching for that purpose for my life. In the past I have had such clear distinct goals, but now I feel like my dreams, aspirations, and future are so unclear. I don't have a direct goal ahead of me. My future is a misty haze that I need to keep walking forward into, but I am afraid that I will take the wrong step and trip, fall to my embarrassment and disaster. I guess this is just normal. Real life is foggy and most people walk around it unclear. I can do my best to clear it up, but even if I take a path that is visible, it might not be the best one. I could follow the path and become a lawyer, doctor, or teacher. I could wander a little more and step off the clear path every once in a while to test the clouds. Or I could truly disconnect from what I know will work and fly or crash into the grand, clouded fog.
Whatever happens, will happen. Today was a little drab, but I did a lot of work. I am proud of how much work I have accomplished, but I haven't done much besides schoolwork or academic planning and exploring in the past few days. I do need to figure out a lot of academic stuff, but I also need to think of the bigger picture, learning new skills and gathering new experiences in jobs that pay actual money, volunteering to serve the community, or participating in clubs taking action around campus. I can't live my whole life in this dormitory room hoping that opportunities will come to my window.
As I returned home from cooking my mom brunch for Mother's Day, I looked all around me, seeking the beauty even along the grim highway in the overcast skies. It is an arduous task, but there is beauty everywhere if you really seek it. Even so, there is much more beauty in life if you just go out there and do things, live a true and honest life, challenging assumptions and clearing the fog that surrounds us.
As this week continues I have some goals I need to set.
Finish my book finally after reading it for almost six months.
Talk to advisers in two departments and reflect on my majors using my already created guide.
Sleep well every night.
Take beautiful photographs in surprisingly inspirational places twice.
Determine my classes for autumn quarter.
Eat frozen yogurt.
Find several jobs and maybe even apply for some.
That's more than enough for this week, but I think I can tackle that list and my two midterms. Tomorrow is the first one, so I will go to sleep at this early hour before midnight!
It has been quite the exhausting day. I really just want to sleep. I feel like I have gone nowhere in my life in the past few days. I have been sick and tired, and the list of to-dos keeps piling up like crazy. I can't taste the glorious pleasure of exquisite food, or smell the freshness of the air. I am too tired to recognize the beautiful sights, sounds, people, and actions that surround me here at UW. I feel like I am just a vessel carrying a body and a somewhat functioning brain and I am unable to really belong in the midst of this craziness, which I should be fully involved in.
This is the problem. I have no stamina. If I really want to be the person I want to become I need to have the motivation, determination, and stamina to get through one quarter at least, and of course the rest of my life. I can't just sprint and expect to continue the powerful ambush on my work and achievements that I can attain in a single week of motivation. Who am I kidding, I can't even last a week at full throttle. But I need that in order to reach my full potential. I don't know how to balance it, but I am tired of only a rare day when I am getting through instead of the other way around.
Then again, maybe it's only my outlook, which is just as difficult of a struggle. I don't know how to stop being so stressed. I am so tired of my life being like this, and I am so ready to turn a new leaf. I really need some time just to reflect and back away from all the craziness so I can return with just as much passion and fervor as I want to.
Today was exhausting, and I still have a lot ahead of me even though the day is far over. I should be sleeping now, but I have so much homework to complete, and it never seems to end. I sort of just want to collapse and stop trying anymore. I am so behind today and I am so frustrated with myself. I can never seem to get myself to bed before midnight, even now when I am sick and I must. I have no will power it seems. I barely am motivated by anything. I have such a struggle to manage my time, and I don't even do that much. I don't understand it at all and I really need to analyze my life, spending some time alone reflecting on who I am, why I have ended up this way, and what I will do to change my life for the better.
I have decided to try another idea from a friend. This approach requires that I look at the world in its spectacular absence of negative. I am excellent at noticing the negatives in life and I am sent spiralling downhill into an abyss of misery. I want to avoid that and I have been trying to focus more on the positive in life. While this has worked some, I hope that this fresh perspective will open me up to more positivity in life.
In other news, today was a bit of a downer. I am truly exhausted and I feel gross inside and out. I don't feel confident at all today and I feel pitiful looking at how much work I need to do that has just sat there in recent days. I do know that I need to rest as I feel my temperature rising far too high as I type even this blog post. Illness matched with high stress, and awful weather especially in what was supposed to be a rather easy week between my midterms, is killing me. Even so, I got an excellent grade on my midterm in chemistry and hopefully tomorrow will be better as I can finally get a chance to sleep in on Thursday morning.
Today there was an historic and wonderfully thrilling election in Canada even though nobody noticed it. It definitely made my day after a long, exhausting day being sick and gross in the dreary weather of Seattle. It may be May, but there are no signs that Spring has settled in, or that Summer is approaching. Alas, life carries on. At least Elizabeth May was elected to parliament for the next four years, the first Green MP in Canada, and my second favorite party, the NDP is now the official opposition with over 100 seats, breaking the grip of the Bloc Quebecois and their separatist agenda. While the Conservatives took a majority, the election was exciting in so many ways and truly kept me distracted from everything else I needed to do. I have so much homework I am now behind on, so much sleep I missed, but the joy of watching election results that make history come in on my computer is so worth it!
I have lived to the fullest today. It has been wonderful. I started with a late awakening to a brilliantly sunny day and then ate a delicious and filling Indian buffet. Afterward I went to Green Lake and enjoyed daisies, turtles, and the gorgeous weather with friends. Following the walk around the lake and the final walk back to the dorm (a total of 5 miles), I finally got some homework done outside along Portage Bay. I watched some funny videos and was pleasantly surprised by the discovery of Osama bin Laden. Things really felt great today and I feel like I have done a lot today to live a truly meaningful life.
I hope to live every day to the fullest. I want to do something with my life each day I live. I want to be healthy and alive at every hour. I hope to discover new things about myself and others through observation, perception, and an open mind. Every day is a chance for a new hope and a new outlook on life. I am excited for life and thrilled to live each day. I'll keep you posted!
"President Obama at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner"
April was not an enjoyable month for me, for the most part. It wasn't awful, especially in comparison to last April, but even though it was a relative improvement it still was not a good month. I was so stressed and my anxiety was crazy. It drove me to finally see a new therapist much to my disappointment. Pesach was a guiding light to some sort of redemption, and I am not sure what that is considering how much disappointment and hopelessness I have encountered in recent weeks. Besides the stress of all the midterms, social awkwardness, loneliness, lovelessness, and emptiness, I do feel like I have been redeemed in many ways. I have been lucky enough to have a strong support system of friends and family who deal with me and accept me for no matter what.
Much of this month I wondered how my life would be different if I had gone somewhere else. I always thought that it would be better if I had gone to Berkeley, or even Occidental or elsewhere. If I were to compare my experience today to one at another place at this time, I undoubtedly would be happier at another college. But this all comes with a caveat. I don't think the happiness would be real. I have learned A LOT here at UW about myself and I have had to face many of my discomforts and realities that I would never have faced at another place. The other colleges seem like far off dreams, vacations in a sense from the reality I need to face. I have faced some of my biggest personal fears, and at other times I feel so disappointed by how much I have shrunk inside my comfort zone. Things are going to finally change I feel like starting this month.
It has been a year since I chose my college. After 7 months as a Husky I have my regrets, my disappointments, my successes, my accomplishments, my reflections, my dreams. Things have changed. I can always ponder what might have happened if I had done something radical and gone somewhere else. In many ways I am honestly regretting my choice. But in many other ways I have realized that while there may have been more hope somewhere else, more sunny, warm days, a refreshed spirit of excitement, new friends, all sorts of things that I dreamed of and imagined in college, here I have faced more of my reality, a deeper sense of diversity, worked harder than ever before, reflected on myself more, learned from my mistakes, opened my mind, strengthened relationships, gained social skills, applied for new jobs and internships, immersed myself in culture, explored a city and beautiful campus, and shared incredible experiences that might not have happened in any other place or time in my life. Life here has not met or exceeded my expectations, rather it has thrown all my expectations out the window, just as it should have. And that is why I have no verdict about my time here at UW. I am sure it is different, but I believe that no matter what this is what was meant to happen. I never could have seen it come, and I am glad I didn't go anywhere based on a whim, because what I have realized in life is that as long as you have the means, you can really handle any challenges that appear.
This weekend has been awkward, fun, uncomfortable, lovely, and exhausting. I went to the prom. It brought back a lot of difficult memories, and at times I did want to cry, but obviously such a public outburst would be rather inappropriate and embarrassing. I was reminded of how awful my life was in high school and how much of a lie I lived. I was reminded of all the things I hated about myself and how much I have changed. I spend all of high school working to get as far away from it as possible, and last night I found myself trapped again in the misery that I worked so hard to run away from for years. I felt like I had abandoned all my principles.
But it was good to purge those bad memories by plunging myself into them. I just hope to never experience them again, and most definitely I will never ever go to a prom again. Thankfully the after party and my sleep over with friends was better, but the exhaustion and discomfort of the prom was an awful damper on the rest of my night. And after watching a film, reading some Canadian election coverage, and playing an awesome game of Settlers of Catan I feel quite contented with life.
Now it is May. It is my favorite month. I am going to change my mindset. I have been working on this transformation for many months, and I feel like I am going to finally climb over a ridge here and make a breakthrough soon. Usually that breakthrough takes longer than I expect, so I guess I shouldn't be too anticipatory. Whatever happens will happen, but I am determined to make this month a turning point in my life toward the better.
