Breakdown, Skyline, and Honesty

I couldn't handle it all. I am disappointed in myself. I am going to convention tomorrow for JSA, completely unprepared for my debate and failing to bring in a large group for the political fair. I am disappointed in myself and I hoped that I could be better for once this time. I had one final chance and I have failed yet again to meet my expectations. I am frustrated with myself. I set high expectations, but even when I lower my expectations and reign them in with reason, I fail to fulfill my goals. I feel miserable, chaotic, depressed; I didn't expect this year to be so unfulfilling. So many goals and dreams seem to rush by. So much of life is decided in these teenage years when we are merely lucky to have success over the rush of hormones, craziness, and passion. I am struggling to meet my goals and balance my life. I am struggling to reach for the stars I have dreamed of reaching. I feel that so many of my goals are slipping through my fingertips, barely held as if they were iced and numb, unable to grasp the faint glimmers that are my hopes.

And Skyline reminds me of the past. The friends of the past who I saw today. I sense this difference in their lives, some psychological presence. Or perhaps it was the atmosphere of the room. I was the only Issaquah person and the room felt hushed up, intense, dramatic, and overwhelming. It was weird. I know these people; they are my friends. Yet they were so distant from me. I could not share in their worries over teacher RIFing or the complaints about IB courses because their lives were so incongruous with me on those accords. But it was so similar to our lives at Issaquah. Sure we worry about school like them and although we don't have the same people, many of our experiences are parallel. This whole school rivalry places a foggy mist between us, but when we are able to see each other without the colors, we realize that we are all the same: individually unique.

But any time I meet with Skyline friends, there is the sudden rush of drama. The emotions and the vengeance. The vendettas and grudges. The romance and trust. So much teenage feeling at once. It is okay for one night, but it can become miserable for too long. Thus, I love my school alhtough I do miss heartily the Skyline friends I never see...

Despite all the stress, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep hoping and I am convinced to work harder than ever to succeed. This weekend will be ridiculously crazy, but it will just push me to my maximum limit. And then, I will find peace at the end of the road. But for now, I am ascending the steepest part of the icy and tortuous climb to the peak, engulfed by blizzard and fog, frostbite and sleepiness deepening. But at the top is the beautiful serenity of accomplishment.

Still Around

"Still Around" 3OH!3



This song has to do with addiction. I feel its appropriate to the habits that many of us create even if they are not related to drugs or alcohol. I have a definite addiction to high-stress situations, procrastination, and overcompensating myself. I never have enough time to accomplish all my tasks, but I always accept more responsibilities. I need time and energy for spontaneity and surprises. I hope that my future will be more balanced, yet successful. Hopeful and resilient.

I realized that I tend to give way too much advice to people... I am not an advisory column. I just need to shut up and listen to people instead of blabbity blabbing.

I am very upset with Miss California from the Miss USA pageant. She epitomizes the ridiculous nature of our country; particularly the way she answered the question: opposite marriage?

But I am inspired by the small wonders like Susan Boyle. I am entrenched with hope when I see success, and I should feel acceptance, pride, and fulfillment in my failures. A failure is never a failure, rather it is a stepping stone toward a future.

The key to life is moderation and craziness. This perfect balance must be imperfectly reached. Life is both simple and paradoxical, so I just need to accept life for what it is and move onwards.

The future looks bright. I can accomplish so many things if I can defeat procrastination. I just need to get over the acceptance of 1 o'clock bedtimes; definitely wrong since I am struggling just to get through every day. Times are challenging with all the AP courses, elections, Earth Week, JSA, martial arts, and friends. I am struggling to focus in the midst of all these challenges. What shall I do?! I will persevere and move forward. Times are tough, but each of us must find resilience like the stem of a wind-swept lonely tree in the flat chill of Nebraska. And when the spring awakens surprises abound.

Believe in one's self and one's self shall believe.

The Woman who Could

I was amazed by Susan Boyle the 47-year-old unemployed woman who look senile and lacked potential, but in fact has the most spectacular voice in the world.

Watch the video of her: Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent

Please watch this video. It isn't spam or anything it is truly inspirational!

It shows you how you can accomplish anything. She had a learning disability and has struggled throughout her life, but she still has many dreams and hopes. We must learn from her that despite hardship one must still push forward and persevere. Life can be difficult but there are times when we just need to dust ourselves off and search for the energy inside to achieve.
We also must realize not to judge people by their outside appearance or first impressions. Even if someone is "different" or "special" they are just like you or me. All people are the same and we cannot let prejudgements determine our views on the grand array of people that surround us.

Be open-minded and let surprises like Susan Boyle come to you with open arms. I hope I will treat people in the future with an open mind understanding their full potential. I know that one kid I utterly despise because he is annoying and awkward I will now open my mind and accept him for his gifts and abilities.

Live outside yourself and open possibilities.

What a crazy day

Is it wrong to want someone to win an election so that they can't run against you? I feel confused, shocked, and happy. Sleepiness is overriding most of my emotions while also making them crazier. I have so much homework to do and I haven't even started. Darn distractions. What will I do with my life!!

But I feel like an immoral person. I wanted someone to win, which is not bad, but I feel like I wanted that person to win for the wrong reason. What kind of friend am I to want a friend to win just so that I can win my own election? Of course I wanted my friend to win the election because he is an awesome guy who deserves to win and is well-qualified. But did I want him to win so that he wouldn't run against me or because I thought he deserved it? I'm utterly confused. I'm lost. I feel wonderful and miserable at the same time. And I have a ton of homework to do....

Ugh. I want to go back to Hawai'i!
At least summer is in about two months.

What do you do?

What do you do when your good friend runs against you in a political campaign? What do you say to mutual friends who have to choose between him or yourself? How does one exist when their heart says to withdraw and their conviction says to persevere?

I am lost. I need to focus on my schoolwork. I need to focus on my dreams. But I realize how desperately I want this position as class president. I don't know why. I don't really want it for any particular reason, but it's more of a symbol for my effort. I have given up so much time and diligent energy for my class and I feel like it is finally time for me to actually take a stance and be a leader. But leadership is challenging. And this election feels entirely like a popularity contest. It is ripping through the seams of my soul and tossing me around like a tiny lifeboat in a wild arctic sea. My heart races, I heat up, and I feel delirious.

Politics is dreadful.

Return to Reality

Hawai'i.

I was on Oahu for a week but now I have returned to chilly Issaquah. It is a return to the stresses of life and the struggles of goals. I feel tired, unaccomplished, and miserable here. I see my grades and my list of activities and do not feel fulfilled. I have done many things, but I feel incredibly empty.

I miss Hawai'i. I had family and baby cousins to look forward to every day. Beach, shave ice, and self-serve frozen yogurt (a new fad I discovered... look up Yogurtland). It was paradise. But now I have returned to dismal Washington and all I have to look forward to is homework and teaching sunday school. :P

But this all has meaning to it. I need to catch up with my homework to prove to myself that I am capable of accomplishing my goals. I need to be prepared for the weeks ahead. And it is all building up to increase my knowledge for future goals. I am laying down the strong foundations for my future and then I will find happiness. For now I still need to have moments of joy, but I also must plow through the challenges. I had one entire week of pleasure, now I must get through the obstacles and move onward.

The light at the end of the tunnel: I can see it.

"Drive my Soul" Lights
"Lisztomania" Phoenix

Listen to the above music; it's amazing!

Elephants

Listen to this song, "Elephants" on Rachel Yamagata's website: http://www.rachaelyamagata.com/
It plays automatically.
It is so beautiful. It makes me think. It makes me wonder. It hits my heart. There are not a lot of songs that affect me so, but this song has such pure essence enriched to it that I feel fulfilled.

I have a lot of goals and dreams in my life: Berkeley, International Diplomacy/Scientist, Travel Around the World, Learn Many Languages, Be Happy
But I struggle to see and live out my dreams, except around this time at night. The problem is that school starts at 7:25 :(
I live each day to live and survive. I struggle to accomplish my homework. But that's life. Life is often a struggle but those that can endure will succeed and find self-esteem. We must all help each other make it through the tough times, but the best help is to help someone learn how to get up on their own feet alone.
Procrastination is my sin. But I am finally breaking the cycle little by little. At least I am finishing my homework. :)

Another essay needs to be done tonight. Two math problems (big calculus ones... ugh). I should try to do the science project that is supposed to be halfway done by now. I should write one of my five essays for martial arts before break. But break is approaching and there is a lot that needs to be done. And I am going to succeed and find pride in myself. It may be 11:54 now, but I am determined to accomplish. Stretch the mind and stretch the body. I can do this!

And then I'll be in Hawaii in about... 40hrs.!!!