Breakdown, Skyline, and Honesty

I couldn't handle it all. I am disappointed in myself. I am going to convention tomorrow for JSA, completely unprepared for my debate and failing to bring in a large group for the political fair. I am disappointed in myself and I hoped that I could be better for once this time. I had one final chance and I have failed yet again to meet my expectations. I am frustrated with myself. I set high expectations, but even when I lower my expectations and reign them in with reason, I fail to fulfill my goals. I feel miserable, chaotic, depressed; I didn't expect this year to be so unfulfilling. So many goals and dreams seem to rush by. So much of life is decided in these teenage years when we are merely lucky to have success over the rush of hormones, craziness, and passion. I am struggling to meet my goals and balance my life. I am struggling to reach for the stars I have dreamed of reaching. I feel that so many of my goals are slipping through my fingertips, barely held as if they were iced and numb, unable to grasp the faint glimmers that are my hopes.

And Skyline reminds me of the past. The friends of the past who I saw today. I sense this difference in their lives, some psychological presence. Or perhaps it was the atmosphere of the room. I was the only Issaquah person and the room felt hushed up, intense, dramatic, and overwhelming. It was weird. I know these people; they are my friends. Yet they were so distant from me. I could not share in their worries over teacher RIFing or the complaints about IB courses because their lives were so incongruous with me on those accords. But it was so similar to our lives at Issaquah. Sure we worry about school like them and although we don't have the same people, many of our experiences are parallel. This whole school rivalry places a foggy mist between us, but when we are able to see each other without the colors, we realize that we are all the same: individually unique.

But any time I meet with Skyline friends, there is the sudden rush of drama. The emotions and the vengeance. The vendettas and grudges. The romance and trust. So much teenage feeling at once. It is okay for one night, but it can become miserable for too long. Thus, I love my school alhtough I do miss heartily the Skyline friends I never see...

Despite all the stress, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep hoping and I am convinced to work harder than ever to succeed. This weekend will be ridiculously crazy, but it will just push me to my maximum limit. And then, I will find peace at the end of the road. But for now, I am ascending the steepest part of the icy and tortuous climb to the peak, engulfed by blizzard and fog, frostbite and sleepiness deepening. But at the top is the beautiful serenity of accomplishment.