California

California. Oh my. I cannot wait to be there. In about 12 hours in fact. I am so excited for my journey and vacation. Only one college visit and only two more apps left. Only one assignment left really and I have an entire day to do it when I return. I am so excited.

California is majestic. And my family is so loving. It will fantastic. And if it's not amazing, I'll be fine with that because I won't have to worry about the pressures of life back home.

4 apps done. California in 12 hours. Finally I can rest!!

Peace.

"California" - Phantom Planet

Kill the Apps

College apps are becoming poisonous to my health. I've been doing them since July or August for goodness sakes. They need to end. It will happen within 24 hours. Actually less. I have to. I cannot continue suffering under this insurmountable pressure. They need to leave my head. I need to be free from the thoughts of myself. I am starting to lose sight of who I really am after writing so much about myself. I want it to be over now. But I still have so much work to do. Ay yay yay!

Oh well, 24 hrs, and I have to stop. Otherwise no California for me. Only 36 hrs until Cali!

"Outta My Head" - Ashlee Simpson

Southcenter

I love my friends. I love my life. I wish I wasn't so stressed out or emotional. But what can I do? I am moving forward if ever so slowly. Today I didn't get much I wanted done, but I was happy! So tomorrow is a work day. And I have new jeans.

My excitement is bubbling. I'll just have a good night's rest after my Southcenter excursion, and I will be ready to edit and write and edit and write like crazy tomorrow. And then Wednesday submit. And then Thursday California!!!

One gov. assignment, five essays to write, and seven more to edit, plus four apps to submit by Wednesday. It seems so unreal but after all that I'll be really free. So I better get on it! And the funny thing is that I've already made a move forward and I haven't entirely procrastinated.

"Light" - The Rocket Summer

Maybe

Why can't life just be simpler? Why can't I just figure it out? Why is everyone at it? Why can't I figure out love? What am I? Who am I? Will I ever achieve anything? I am so tired of life being abysmal. I am so frustrated. I am always whining. I am never getting anything accomplished. I am always posting these annoying blogs and I am never getting anywhere in my life. What kind of progress is this. My life sucks. But now I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for whining. I feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. I feel horrible for feeling horrible. I live in this constant cycle of vicious bitterness and anger. I hate this life. I hate how I hate myself. I hate how I lack self-esteem. I want to lead a purpose, but what purpose can I lead? Why am I so afraid to fight for what I believe in? Where is my courage? Why wasn't I raised with any confidence? Why do I always blame my parents? Why do I keep crying? Why can't I talk normally with guys? Why am I ever-so-awkward? Why can't i keep a clean room and why are my gums in pain? I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Other times I put a smile on. I wonder if the colleges will accept me. I wonder what more I need to know. I wonder what people think about me. I wonder about the chaos in the world and how my life measures up to those of others. I wish I was perfect. And I wish I was happy. I wish I was better. I wish I could be satisfied with my imperfections. I wish I could be the person everyone likes. I wish someone would want more out of me than just friendship. I wish I wasn't so emotional. I wish I could leave. I wish I could be more satisfied with my life in the present. I wish I could stop wishing. I wish I could be kind. I wish I could be a better friend. I wish I could stop judging. I wish I could find peace. I wish the world would stop being so ignorant. I wish I could stop being a hypocrite. I wish I could find some common ending point. I wish I could just be okay. I wish I could be holy. I wish I had better faith. I wish I could be a true non-conformist. I wish I was brave. I wish I could be moral. I wish I could be truthful. I wish I could find something to be proud about. I wish I could make more of a difference in the world. I wish I was a better son and brother. I wish I could fulfill my expectations. I wish I could handle the emotions. I wish I could breathe. I wish I was better looking. I wish I had a better fitness. I wish to live for many more decades. I wish my friends could be happy. I wish I could be less selfish. I wish someone would tell me how to fix my life. I wish I could find a curable diagnosis for my life. I wish I could change around my life. I wish I could accept all this and be okay. I wish I could be open. I wish I could be open-minded. I wish I could think sometimes. I wish I could find happiness in all those small moments. I wish I could watch all the movies I never give myself a chance to see. I wish I could understand how everyone around me works. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wish to go to college. I wish I knew which college would be worthwhile. I wish I knew my future. I wish I could be more prepared. I wish I could stop procrastination, today, tomorrow, and forever. I wish I could be on vacation forever. I wish I could be happy eternally. I wish I could be happy and sad without being so unstable. I wish I had less stress. I wish I could do more. I wish I could stop dreaming so much. I wish I could dream more. I wish I could be perfect. I wish I could write that novel. I wish I had taken advantage of more opportunities in the past. I wish I had more self-discipline. I wish I was a better martial artist. I wish I had more creativity. I wish I could find some love. I wish I could be a better and more trustworthy driver. I wish I could take risks. I wish I was smarter. I wish I sang. I wish I understood what everyone tries to convey. I wish I could communicate better. I wish I could have more money. I wish I could have more time. I wish I didn't have to do all the stupid things I do. I wish I could stop crying over the spilled milk. I wish it were simpler. I wish I could see through all the pain. I wish I could feel real pain. I wish I could stop playing tetris. I wish I could get reality. I wish I had straight As. I wish I could be less perfect. I wish I could be more timely. I wish I could meet everyone's expectations. I wish I could be less social. I wish I could be more fun. I wish I was a more interesting person to hang out with. I wish I was more Bohemian. I wish I was able. I wish I could do my job well. I wish I read more often. I wish I did more community service. I wish I challenged myself more. I wish I was better and managing my time. I wish I was more appreciated. I wish I was more modest. I wish I knew how to put myself out there and stand out. I wish I could be more like those people I admire and look up to. I wish people would want to hang out with me. I wish I could stop seeing my therapist. I wish my sessions were more productive. I wish I could lead more effectively. I wish people would stop judging me. I wish I would stop thinking about what people think. I wish I didn't take everything so personally. I wish I could have more time to relax on the grass or beneath the stars or on the beach. I wish I could study harder. I wish I could sleep less without feeling so exhausted. I wish I could go to sleep earlier. I wish I could find a better job. I wish I could change someone's life. I wish I could be understood. I wish someone liked me for who I am.

Maybe I'll change. Maybe I'll figure out my life. Maybe in the future. Maybe I'll be who I want to be. Maybe I won't. Life is the most tumultuous idea. But it's a marvelous adventure.

"Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson

The Simple Things

Sleep. Eat. Drink. Friends. All you need to stay alive.

RAK

Random acts of kindness. Do it.

"Speechless" - Lady Gaga

Halfway

Life is only partly fully. We can only partly be. We can only partly exist. What I'm saying is we aren't messiahs. Nobody is assured entrance into the college of their dreams, no matter how special they are. No one is going to know how to lead their lives. No musician is always going to hit number 1. That's life.

If we worry so much about being one thing or holding someone reputation, we get caught up in the idea and dream instead of taking reality and finding joy in the moment. We can't wait for life to come at us, we have to go forth and live. Not everything will be in our grasps and we cannot become greedy, but when we live with a conscience and live with a purpose we can live with meaning. But always realize that we are always only halfway. We can never reach the true end and we have past the beginning by far. We are born with flaws and we will die unaccomplished. But we are also born with talent and we will die with pride. But in between there are no absolutes.

Touch the air. Smell the brilliance. Taste the mountains. Look at your soul. Hear your heart.

"Halfway Gone" - Lifehouse

Not Anymore

I'm not the person who I once was. Or the person I think I am. I am so lazy now. I am so hopeless. I am so stressed. I am so unfocused. I don't know what to do. I just want something to go right in my life. I just want to be happy and less worried. I don't want to live like this forever. I just want to change. I am tired of wanting to be different and never changing. I am tired of my family bearing their pressure upon me. I am tired of being late to school because my carpooler can't get out on time. I'm tired of handling on this stress poorly. I remember being a friendlier person. But my past seems so distant.

What happened to me?

Blame

I try to find a blame for my problems usually. I seek a medical cure. Or a psychological one. Or I blame my parents. Or I blame my friends. Or I blame my lack of sleep. Or poor eating habits. Or sickness. Or the auction. Or time. Or something else. I seem to always search for blame. It's so much easier to blame something for one's problems. But I have to face the facts.

"Mess of Me" - Switchfoot



"I am my own affliction. I am my own disease"
"There ain't no drug to make me well"

It's sooooo true. I am my own disease. I cause my problems. I can't blame myself, but I can't hide myself in all the blame. I can't keep finding excuses for my problems. I need to make a difference in my life. And I just need to stand up and do it. There is no easy panacea. My life is falling apart because I have been clinging to the cliff for too long. I mean if I do all these things and I can't even find time to apply to college, what kind of person does that make me? I wish I could just be on top of things. But I'm not. I am not perfect.

But it's time to reverse this tragedy. "I want to spend the rest of my life alive!"

That takes hard work, perseverance, and determination. I guess I just need to be done with this. I need to be done with the weakling that I am. I have strength. I have spirit. I have confidence. Especially after the 15 page paper I just completed.

One more week - then freedom. End 2009 with a shebang!

"We were the kings and queens of promise..."

"Kings and Queens" - 30 Seconds to Mars



I Love this song right now. But it haunts me with its message. I feel like I have collapsed and that I have failed myself in too many ways to count. I am so behind with everything. I had so much hope.

I started the year back from the inspirational trip to New York City. I was ready for rather easy classes this year. I was fresh into the auction season ready to be the best Senior class pres ever. I was ready to explore the world. I was ready to get my college apps completed by the end of November. I was ready to fulfill my dreams and make a difference. I was ready to get my black belt. And to get a job. I was thrilled for this year.

Boy, was I torn apart. The claws of Senior year came out and attacked. I have scraped by, but I feel like the promise and hope I once had have now disappeared. I feel no more motivation.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend who asked me why I do the things I do. I feel like such a monster because I don't know why. I don't really know why I am class president. Do I just want power? Do I just want attention? Do I just want recognition? Are my motivations sincere or am I a despicable person?

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't see the kid who won the geography bee. I don't see the kid who smiles all the time. I don't see the kid who was always excited and passionate. I don't see the kid who knows how to have a good time. I don't see the kid who put forth incredible effort. I don't see the kid who was organized. I don't see the kid who was comfortable in his own skin. I don't see the kid who had the promise of tomorrow. Rather I see nothing anymore. I don't see much reason to live with all that I am looking forward to. I feel like I am so trapped in my dark tunnels. Where is the light?

I have done so much. I just wish I could accomplish my dreams. But can I?

-----------------------------------------

Sometimes we are inspired. I just re-read the lyrics of this song.

I realized that the message sent is that even when we feel we are faltering after holding so much hope and promise for the future, we are just starting to learn our lessons. That's what the faltering is. The mistakes happen when we leave our bubbles of security. And when we face the world and take on the challenges we can feel overwhelmed, lose hope, but we are maturing.

Houston, a Texan and Southern city just elected a lesbian for a mayor. If that's possible so much is. I won't be blind, but I will still hold hope!

Too Much Disappointment

Looking back on the past few months since school began, I feel intense regret. I am horrified by my habit of irresponsibility, lassitude, and late night distraction. I feel like I have declined so much. I once had such great self-discipline. I guess I really did far too much this year. I feel ever more so that it would be best to attend a somewhat less challenging college and learn how to restore my self-discipline habits. Or I could really try to take care of myself and deal with my flaws in a productive manner. I don't really know what I need to or should do, but I know that I just hate who I have been recently. I haven't done what I love. I have ignored so many close friends. I have abandoned so much in my life for requests, duties, and tasks that I care little for.

I am so exhausted all the time. I lament so often. I feel like I can never get better sometimes. I feel trapped in this misery. I need to do so much and crunch time is here, but I can't stop playing tetris. I can't get myself to sleep before 1. I can't get any homework done at productive times. I can't be the person who I once was, and I am definitely not the person I want to be. I don't know where the balance is, but I feel like I will never reach it at this rate. I hope I can change, but hope cannot do much.

After watching Invictus tonight, and reinvigorating myself with the messages of Obama yesterday I felt a dose of inspiration. But now that it's late and I still have college apps and a huge analysis to complete I feel like inspiration doesn't help me. I feel like I can never change. I feel like I am always going to only put my 10% effort forth and spend 99% of my energy wasting away and worrying. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I just want the college apps to be over with. I just want the huge amount of schoolwork to sputter away.

I feel like the inspiration of great leaders only lasts for those short periods of times like the day after an election or at the Rugby world cup. But once the long haul approaches, hope dies. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I am drained of all inspiration and I am only 17. I feel the reality of life crashing upon me. The onus of my future is like the force of gravity on Jupiter. The mistakes of the present are piercing my soul and mind. And I am so concerned by the pain of these forces that the present is barely holding me together. The few times when I feel free from these pressure of the past and future it just seems like they are springs ready to whack me again like a mouse trap the next time I step into the slippery slope of worry. Never can I step outside of this.

How does everyone else do it? How do they enjoy life in the moment? How do they accept the past? How do they feel motivated without panicking for the future? I feel incredibly off-balance. If only there was a simple solution.

"Everything" - Lifehouse

A Positive Attitude Actually Works

Today I smiled. I was positive. And it worked. I worked quickly. Boss like me. No martial arts. Saturday Night Live.

Then I worried. About the homework. And the deadlines. Now it's late. And I'm tired. Tomorrow might suck.

But no worries. Positivity will conquer.

"Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin

Finished

I finally reached the destination. The auction reached its end today, and we were rather successful. While me earned less money than last year our profit nearly doubled thanks to the incredibly cheap cost of our location. No, it wasn't perfect, but after all the work and stress I put into this project I am finally finished.

However I am not as ecstatic as I should be. Yes, I am overwhelmingly happy, but today I realize how important it is to find happiness during the journey, not just at the end of it. I love the reward of fulfillment at the end, but that is such a risk to believe in some ultimate euphoria upon finishing the journey. If I have to go through so much pain to garner reward, I am clearly not leading my life rightly. I am gradually changing, and I am committed toward shifting my negative outlook. I struggle with my cynical family and the inbred hatred I have for positivity, but I need to stop worrying about the cause and face the facts. I can't change how I was raised or my way of thinking entirely, but I can gradually reduce my extreme moodiness and irrationality. I can learn to manage my time better and handle the stress in a more productive manner. I can't be perfect, but I can do well.

We always will search for that resolution that sums up all these life lessons, but I am satisfied with the fact that we can't. If I can accept my imperfections and work with them instead of against them I can be who I want to be.

"The Resolution" - Jack's Mannequin

Shut Up and Let Me Go

"Shut Up and Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings



My interpretation: it's time for me to shut up, stop worrying so much, and go forth.

Self-Esteem

"Beautiful" Cover (Christina Aguilera)



Okay, so this is not the best singing in the world and this girl is not exactly a super model, but this video inspires me more than the excellent music of the actual Christina Aguilera. This girl doesn't care what people think, I mean most people who've viewed her are haters, and post horrible comments, but she keep uploading videos.

Most people don't have the courage to do such a thing. She has self-esteem somehow if she can have this courage. I feel like our society underestimates the importance helping improve self-esteem. I know that it makes my life much more challenging then necessary and I see so many people doing so many negative things as outlets for their low self-esteem. Why do you think someone would randomly murder 4 police officers in Lakewood? Or why people do drugs? Or give themselves plastic surgery or buy big cars? They are all trying to find outlets or solutions for their low self-esteem. Drugs take us away from the problems we face. Anger and violence release it. Materialism distracts us from the problems. Like in the movie Precious we must face reality and instead of treating it like misery, find hope.

I've questioned my idealism recently. I feel so hopeless and lowly sometimes. But I guess I am thinking too much. We have to go throughout life a little lost and accept it. We sometimes have to ignore all the reality, but if we don't even realize the reality, we can become ignorant and we will fall that much harder.

So find a way to release the frustration. Find a way to be positive. And focus. And realize that the world is not perfect, you are not perfect, and dream.

Believe in yourself just that one inch.

If you doubt it look back on your life.

What can you say about it that is good?

I think of my passion. I think of my friendly attitude. I think of my scholarship.
But recently I haven't been this way.

And ask yourself why you aren't what you want to be or think you are.

For me, it's because I haven't taken care of myself. I haven't allowed myself to focus and I have lost touch of reality. I have become a demon I never wanted to be. And I am changing, but it is a crazy process.

Take a deep breathe. And dive. hmm, I think I want to go swimming now.

Am I still the passionate otterman?

I've thought of a lot today. I realize how much I need to motivate myself. I realize how much self-discipline I need in life. I realize how hindering my stress is to my life and the people around me. I finally see the danger of my worry, anxiety, and burgeoning fear on my life goals, happiness, and family and friends. I am slightly ashamed, but very much relieved that I can finally see all this.

I challenged myself in the past year and a half to take on more than I could handle. But in the long-run I have just slacked away instead of maintaining the quality of my passion towards my goals and challenges. I have slept less, eaten horribly, forgotten to exercise. I have ignored people's emotions, overwhelmed myself in my own emotions, and encrusted myself in apathy. I have ignored myself, the people around me, and my life. I have been caught up in the past and in the future, but I haven't even enjoyed or focused on the present. It's both about joy and focus. I have just worried and feared everything around me: the expectations of myself, family, and friends. I have been afraid to face the realities. I have been afraid to face my demons. But I am finally realizing all of this.

In this week so much has changed in my life. I cried in the middle of class. I realized how unemotional and dispassionate my leadership has been. I realize how much I have worried about the auction, but how little I have actually tried to do something. I watched Precious and realized how I have to accept all these challenges in life and live with them. I turned in a college application and realized how I need to enjoy my applications and show the colleges what I truly believe in. My torah tutor died of cancer and I realized how much I have shoved Judaism aside for schoolwork and my ambitions. I realize how little I have done for what I really care about and how much I have done that only adds to my stress level. I thought about how often I say yes to things I cannot do, and I can barely accomplish what needs to be done. I realized how much needs to change in this world that can only happen if I get off my lazy butt and start walking the talk.

Recently I have forgotten who I am. I was so overwhelmed in my goals and the regrets of my past that I forgot to see what made me proud. I realized how damaged my self-esteem has been. I have friends who are so conceited and arrogant, but at least they are happy in their worlds. I don't have to be like them and brag all the time about my accomplishments, but I can still have their level of self-esteem if I espouse the values I believe in.

I am passionate. I have always believed this. It's always my answer when I am asked for one word that describes me. However I recently have only been passionate in my thoughts, not in my actions. I have cared a lot about these blog posts, about my peer judgment, my looks, my worries, but not turning that passion toward anything effective. I'm tired of thinking about who I am. I need to start being who I am.

I am passionate. I am open-minded. I am excited. I am thoughtful. I am spontaneous. I am understanding. I am friendly. It's time to be who I say I am.

And the key I have discovered is to stop thinking so much, and to start doing. Living. Being. Accepting my past struggles and greatness, and moving toward the future without freaking out over it. It won't happen tonight or tomorrow or ever, but I can always make an effort to find the balance.

This is my motivation for my passion for the environment.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New York's Senate voted against the equal marriage bill, and I am angry. I think I will start to do something here to bring marriage. I am tired of waiting for the ignorant to awaken and the stubborn elderly to die. It shouldn't come to that to have gay marriage legalized. Listen to this speech and you will only feel stronger in your support of same-sex marriage or open your mind if you oppose it.

New York State Senator Diane Savino

Tears

Ever have those days?

Exhausted. Late. Windshield. Iced. Frigid. Red. AIDS. Carpool. Traffic. Park. Out. Run. Bell. Listen. Planner. Checklist. Meet. Discuss. Auction. Auction. Auction. Propose. Auction. Argue. Auction. Argue. Auction. Leave. Ashamed. Run. Bell. Barely. Japanese. Planner. Checklist. Stressed. Teacher. Cranky. Forehead. Hurts. Downstairs. Run. Physics. Talk. Auction. Adviser. Meet. Wait. Talk. Auction. Stress. Noticed. Stress. Depressed. Ouch. Pressure. Sniffle. Cry. Cry. Cry. Tears. Flow. Wet. Hate. Misery. Disgust. Embarrassed. Avoid. Close. Scared. Upset. Angry. Unhappy. Stress. Release. Breathe. Bathroom. Return. Physics. Cruise. Chat. Sniffle. Friend. Gone. Friend. Stressed. Friend. Ignores. Eat. Slowly. Miserable. Cold. Chilly. Ungodly. Government. Talk. Often. Forget. Sniffle. Breathe. Calm. Think. Write. Plan. Outside. Cold. Sunshine. Warmer. Pretend. Talk. College. Stress. Kumon. Life. Work. Statistics. Sit. Planner. Cruise. Ask. Confused. Bored. Annoyed. Chat. Crush. Focus. Smirk. Problems. Answer. Help. Stuck. Weird. Done. Escape. Chat. Release. Breathe. Smile. Frown. Somewhere. Cold. English. Blah. Listen. Fade. Planner. Checklist. Auction. Frankenstein. Discuss. Wait. Outcast. Inclusion. Shelley. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Stress. Noticed. Concerned. Ignore. Apologize. Away. Bell. Gone. Nevermind. Dissatisfied. Miserable. Downcast. Slouch. Honor. Society. Sit. Called. Run. EMP. Yay. Smile. Fist. Run. Cold. Return. Mastermind. Talk. Talk. Talk. Listen. Talk. Sleepy. College. No. No. Stress. More. Money. Wealth. Inclusion. Claremont. Berkeley. Curtis. Ignore. Stressed. Relax. Chat. Chat. Release. Complain. Whine. Advice. Help. Unhelpful. Maybe. Breathe. Shout. Release. Car. Music. Home.

"Hang On" - Plumb