Week of Ascending Sunshine

This week I attempted to do something rather different. I had a few goals this week.
1) Do something special every day.
2) Write down every happy moment during the day.
3) Manage time luxuriously.

I think I really had a chance to live this week. Life is way too short, and this week I did many, many things that made life much more energizing. On Monday, Passover began and I completed almost all my homework that was necessary. I felt accomplished and satisfied with my life, sleeping at the early hour of nine to wake up the next morning at three. At the wee hour of three o'clock I headed downtown to join my friend to get tickets for an audition for a singing competition on a television show. While we had to wake up early, both that morning and the following one for the audition, and although she did not make it through, it was still a worthwhile experience. It was a trial, waiting in the dark and cold for so long two mornings in a row, but it reminded me that if you have a passion for something, if you really dream for anything, you have to go through some real struggle, and some true disappointment before your dream can become a reality. This is difficult, and it can drain the passion and idealism that one needs to aim for a dream, but through a tenuous balance between realism and idealism, anyone can discover the will to live the dream.

Meanwhile, Pesach continued and while I starved in general, I went to Chabad on Tuesday evening for a friendly and traditional service. The food was delicious and the people were fascinating, capping off a marvelous, but long day. Among other things on that Tuesday, I received a compliment about my jeans, which have been dissed in the past, from someone who I might just have an interest in... no doubt a little perk of joy bubbled within me and distracted me all through biology lecture. The following day I enjoyed television and sunny weather, while I also got my registration for summer classes to work out perfectly and my housing has been selected for next year. I have a room high in one of the best dorms on campus, exactly where I want to be with gorgeous views of Lake Washington and the mountains on a sunny day.

Thursday was also quite fulfilling. It was another rather sunny day and I got to sleep in rather late as well. I also discovered some new and awesome music, while I continued to gleefully observe the Canadian election campaigns as one of my favorite parties gained in the polls making the election far more intriguing. Later I went downtown to a volunteer orientation and was inspired to do something. I finally had exited my shell and landed somewhere, not only comfortable for me, but also enough outside my comfort zone to allow growth.

Today was stressful at times, but mostly enjoyable. The sun started to come out more and in the afternoon was spectacular. I skipped a lecture to help with Earth Day stuff, which felt wonderful although I might regret it this weekend as I study for my chemistry midterm. I got an excellent mark on my biology exam which gave me a boost of confidence and I finally felt like I was getting the credit I deserved for my efforts. I returned home for a seder with the family, and while it added incredibly to my stress level, I was glad to make a massive meal for my family. I feel so stuffed and satisfied right now, and knowing that it was through my efforts makes it so much more meaningful.

Life is actually going rather well even though I often feel like it is a struggle. I sink in so much anxiety, fear, stress, and unhappiness, but I really need to step away from it all and reflect more on the positive aspects of my life. Sure, I have a lot to be unhappy about, but I believe that I can even face the difficult things with a positive outlook. I will take on the challenge of my two midterms this week with resolve, expecting to struggle, but also learn a lot and hopefully feel quite accomplished through my journey of study. As I complete several applications for jobs and internships I know rejection will face me, but I also know that these rejections are learning experience that can guide me toward a path of better self-awareness and a stronger sense of self. Life is full of twists and turns, and as scary as it can be to hike through it all, it is only worse if I just keep contemplating how daunting life is.

This week I have two awesome songs. Enjoy!

"Pumped Up Kicks" - Foster the People



"Exile Vilify" - The National

Weekend of Placidity

Twas a calm weekend here in Seattle. I got myself back together. I didn't accomplish everything I aim to accomplish, but I was much improved over my general ways. I'm very proud of what I have done this weekend.
On Friday my biology exam went better than expected and my evening also performed better than expected. I spent the entire evening with some high school friends at Hillel and Chabad, celebrating the sabbath with delicious dinners (and prayers of course). I was quite nervous to go to Chabad at first, since they are quite religious and conservative, but I met some interesting folks there who were kind and welcoming, not to mention that the food was wonderful even though it was already passover kosher food. After a very long, but lovely night with those people, I went to bed and woke up on Saturday to run in the chilly but bright sunshine peeking out of the clouds. I did not do much except watch some Ugly Betty episodes to keep me alive, and go shopping for Passover food (which is quite pricey!). I got a wonderful night's rest and even dreamed about crazy jelly blob gummy things that were taking over the world and were unstoppable. It was my first dream with a fairly original idea in my memory!
Today was quite successful. It was one of my first days this quarter in which I utilized most of my time. I still got distracted a bit by two documentaries about the burqa ban in France and democracy protests in Hong Kong, as well as the Canadian news, but I still managed to complete quite a few tasks ahead of time. I hope to get a refreshing sleep tonight and be fully prepared for an onslaught of a week. I know I can do this!

Anyways, that was my weekend. I spent a lot of time thinking about my major and what I want to do with my future. I realized in all this thinking that I will never figure anything out if I don't do anything. So here's my song for the weekend:

"Figure It Out" - Versaemerge

A Mixed Bag of Joy, Comfort, and Stress

While the past few days have been fairly good, they have been overwhelmed with incredible anxiety. I have just been running off of nothing for fuel recently. Tuesday was stressful, but I finally went to see a counselor to talk about my anxiety and stress. I got referred to a few long-term therapists, so hopefully I can start to see a turnaround in my life. Wednesday was fine as well, but my young democrats meeting, which was long and mundane was only balanced out by a lovely modern family episode. I truly felt like the laughter was exploding out of my stomach! Today I was highly stressed because I had a lot to do, but I did most of it except study for my biology exam tomorrow. I feel like I am always behind here at UW, always insufficient. There are so many people here and I am constantly comparing myself to everyone around me. I don't feel like I am ever learning much, but I am under so much pressure and stress. I don't feel like I accomplish or do anything, but I feel like I am constantly stressed. I want to change this. I felt like when I started college that this would only be possible if I went somewhere far away, another college, and at times I regret going to UW so much. I feel like I have to work so much here and I never feel fulfilled. I feel like I am sinking under so much pressure. I don't feel like there is anyone to talk to. I feel lost and alone, miserable, sick, unsuccessful, awful. I doubt this would change anywhere else, but I keep dreaming of going through my undergraduate years at some college in California. I don't know why I expect anything to be different anywhere else, but I can only imagine misery here in wet and cold Washington.

I know that I am going to put more passion into my life and I am slowly returning to my old ways. I am going to volunteer somewhere, but where I just have no idea. I want a better life. I have no idea what that means. But I need to discover a better life and I am desperate. Ugh, my sentences are starting to become ugly monsters. I'll stop now.

"Can't Breathe" - Fefe Dobson

Ellie Goulding Day

Today was awesome!

I was exhausted when I woke up, but I got started ready to tackle a new day. I was ahead on my tasks, having completed much of my homework on the weekend to prepare for a very busy day. Upon arriving in Japanese class, I was motivated to answer questions and jolted by an urgency to challenge myself. I thoroughly paid attention in my chemistry and biology classes and enjoyed a delightfully sunny day. I even spoke to someone quite lovely today who I had been afraid to speak to before. I was frustrated with some of my homework, but I completed it.

Then came one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Despite the pot smokers and the excess of layers I brought, I truly enjoyed myself this evening. I sang along to the lovely and beautiful Ellie Goulding. She inspires me and her music touches me in so many ways. I had such a wonderful and enjoyable time; something I have not had in a long time. I got my stamp of entry after waiting in the Capitol Hill sunshine besides Neumos. I entered and danced like a crazy man to the first act, later enthusiastically greeting Ellie as she arrived. My friends accompanying me made it all that much better. All her music is riveting and she is so musically talented. I wish all the people I love could have seen her. What a remarkably joyful night!

The rest of my week remains incredibly crazy, but I am excited to be living the life I have wanted to live, truly enjoying so many things that I have struggled to truly find happiness in. I feel like life is starting to come into a better place finally. Maybe it's the sunshine, fantastic music, or just me. Hopefully life is just starting to become more splendid.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding (LIVE!! from seattle :D)

Wonderful Weekend

I had a wonderful weekend. Starting with the cherry blossoms and the sunny weather on Friday I felt rejuvenated and refreshed despite my dearth of sleep. I took copious photographs in the glorious Spring weather and then enjoyed some dinner with friends, old and new. I had a delicious curry and even enjoyed cleaning the dishes. I listened to my good friend sing phenomenally, lifting my soul upwards. Later I watched a fascinating lecture, ate yummy candy, and played Egyptian ratscrew, actually slapping a few wins myself. I went to sleep late, but awoke the next morning with plenty of rest. I then decided to leave the realm of my room and explore a new part of the city. On a totally random corner stands a delicately resolute statue of Sadako Sasaki, gracefully capturing her perseverance, hope and tragedy. Afterwards I ate some delicious Thai food and a smoothie before heading back to the dorm to complete some homework, which I actually succeeded in accomplishing! As the night began I played some relaxing foosball and air hockey. The lovely evening continued with two movies, both quite enjoyable and another restful sleep. Finally, Sunday arrived. I generally dislike Sunday, although I also enjoy how relaxing it can be. Well, today was one of those more relaxing and enjoyable Sundays. I ran quite a distance, refreshingly after four weeks on a hiatus from running. I worked most of the day, but I discovered dozens of new songs to my bubbling joy. I even applied for a job as a research assistant, and while it will be difficult to get accepted I can only hope and continue to progress toward experiencing new things every day. I might try volunteering with People for Puget Sound or join the United Students Against Sweatshops. Life is improving. I truly feel like I have had a good weekend. I can't help but smile reminiscing.

"Rope" - Foo Fighters