Dream: Love

alone.

Today was not fantastic, but it wasn't horrible. I was jolted somewhat by the return to class. If anything I feel fine, but largely uninspired. My classes are mediocre at best, and life currently is dull. I have no romance, not any exciting adventures to discuss, but life happened. I ate lunch with good friends at least and hung out with a friend who's commuting now. I looked at my photographs from my vacation, looked up new music, and followed the latest news about the upcoming Canadian election. I didn't accomplish much today and that puts me in the pits, especially as I am just beginning class. I hate to feel in a lull just as class is beginning. I will try to complete one reading tonight so I don't fall behind already in the first day, but I really need to rest and restore my passion for life.

Today I speak of love. There is wide emptiness in this arena of my life at the moment. Loneliness is a sinking feeling in my heart and just discussing this topic causes my eyes to water. I watch all around me the glory of love, its beautiful warmth binding souls together. While I was in San Francisco I thought every so often about a romantic relationship. I've never had a true romance in my life and I am approaching the ripe age of 19. I know it seems young and I truly have much time left for me to experience so much, but here at university, surrounded by so many folks in couples, so much love abound, I feel so alone.

I dream of love that means something. I dream of love that comes out of nowhere and walks into the room. I dream of love that does not catch my first glance, love that is unintentional, and most definitely not at first sight. I dream of love that catches me off guard. I dream of love that pulls me outside my comfort zone. I dream of love that forces me to let go of the worst of me and inspires the best of me. I dream of going places far and near with my love. I dream of sharing my passions with my love. I dream of love that is unexpected, outside of my plans of life. I dream of love in many forms, but most of all as impossible as it may be, I dream of a love that will last as a couple for infinite time. I am willing to live through the challenges, the heartbreak, the mistakes, the chaos, but I want love so badly. There are times when I see someone who my heart drops for, but fear prevents me from ever seeking the love that I notice. Loneliness seems to pervade, but I am going to keep dreaming for love. I remain too afraid to go after my love because of this horrible world and its constraints. I fear what others will think of me. I fear that all my other dreams will fall apart because of love. I hold back the euphoria of love for the mediocrity that I accept daily for fear of falling into an abyss of further loneliness, but I feel like holding back this dam of joy for so long is pulling me unintentionally into my lonely abyss.

In the mean time I will dream. I will believe. And I will listen to spectacular music.

"Collect Call" - Metric

The Brain

A peaceful image from my trip to San Diego, in contrast to the complexity of my following discussion.

Our minds are complex. I really struggle with understanding other people's feelings especially. Emotions often don't make sense, in fact I struggle with my own emotions perpetually. Emotions are insane and complicated. They are not simple. They are not a positive science, but rather a normative one. Or at least that's the way I see. Perhaps they can be looked at through a factual lens, but emotions themselves are quite subjective.

Emptiness has been strong today. For some odd reason I feel more empty around center people than others. It is as if I want the friendship of some friends over others. It seems like when I hang out with the friends who are conveniently available, I am unhappy with the situation because I don't feel like I am good enough to hang out with the friends who are less available. But then I have to remind myself that just because some people are busier than others doesn't mean that they dislike me.

Comparisons often make me sick. I compare myself to better looking people, taller people, smarter people, more successful people, more popular people, more charismatic people, and I wonder what is wrong with me. I dreams of being able to be so many people all in one, but I guess that isn't really possible. The one thing I really need to focus on is being myself. The most cool people in this world are those who try to be themselves, no one else.

Finally, I need to be studious in this upcoming quarter. I want to feel proud of myself. I am going to make the most of every moment. Life is short, and I am going to try to enjoy as much as I can. This trip really reminded me of the joy of life, so I hope I can continue to propel joy throughout my life this quarter.

"The Suburbs" - Arcade Fire



At first I thought this video and song would relate to my hatred of the suburbs, but I don't get it at all. Please help me by explaining your interpretations.

Stale

I am overwhelmed. I am fearful of what has become of my life. I thought my life was better. I thought that everything was going swell. I have had everything together. I achieved that 4.0 grade point average this quarter, joined those three clubs, developed new relationships from diverse backgrounds, and ran every weekend consistently. This quarter I have been in control and I have done a fine job.

Yet I feel so empty inside. My life is no longer vibrant.

Just look at what makes up my life:

I sleep. I go to class. I complete schoolwork. I study. I go to a club meeting or event. I run. I meet up with friends. I am disappointed with my life. Sure, I have accomplished stuff. I have gained new skills, but I feel like I could be so much more. On the inside, I feel vacant.

Today, I went sliding down the gorgeous slopes in Snoqualmie Pass. The beauty of the mountains immersed me, lit with sunshine and sprawled with snow. There is magic in the mountains, in the way the light reflects off of the crystalline fields of white. I pick up an inner tube, and race towards the slope, diving downward. Snowflakes fly into my face and a smile widens across my mouth. I am immersed in joy, yet at the end of it all, even though I am surrounded by some of my best friends, the people I am most comfortable around, the people I am most happy to spend my time with, I am not bubbling with enthusiasm.

I have one friend in particular whom I feel particularly disconnected from. I am so afraid of losing my friend. Actually I feel like I am losing most of my friends. The friends who did not join me at UW are distant and difficult to reach, while the friends who are within feet of my presence seem just as dislocated. Loneliness sinks in my soul. It’s not extreme, but it’s been building up. I feel so alone and disconnected from my friends, and gradually feeling like my friends are slipping away from me.

Friendship is marvelous, but there comes a point in time when it can become stale. I believe that I have reached that point, but the problem is that I don’t know if it is my friends or myself. I feel bland, but so do my friendships. I don’t want to be dull and boring, but I don’t know how to have fun. All the years of depression murdered my happiness. I am strong enough to be happy now, but I just can’t seem to be happy. Every time I try to be happy I feel fake. Every time I try to have fun, I feel unreal. Every time I try to enjoy my friendships I feel insincere. I am saddened by this turn of events. I want to hide and runaway from the monster I have become. I have no one to talk to. I have no joy anymore and I hate it.

I want to be happy, but I have forgotten what happiness is.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding