Forgetful

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

I aim high. I try to reach for the stars. I know that I can find success through my efforts. But my dreams are lofty and difficult to obtain.

Today the names of the National Merit Semifinalists were announced. I have a list of dreams on my whiteboard that I look at every day on my desk. One of these dreams was to be a National Merit Scholarship Semifinalist. But my name wasn't in the newspaper announcement. I didn't achieve that dream. I tried and I got in the ninety-eighth percentile, just shy of the qualifications. If I had answered one or two more questions correctly I could have achieved my dream.

But I still went forth and congratulated my good friends, several of whom were semifinalists. I felt proud for them, but also ashamed and depressed for not being as successful. I feel so inferior to these people who are so brilliant. I have one friend who has a passion for music and creates orchestras, concerts, and the like, not to mention being president of honor society. Then I have my friend and neighbor who heads the robotics club, goes to work often, has a 4.0, and so much more. Then I have my friend who is smart and just plain happy with life.

I look at these people and I get two feelings.

I feel left out of an exclusive club.

And I feel inspired.

Even though the door closed for this dream, many more possibilities lie before me. And as Helen Keller says, I need to stop worrying about the one lost dream and find the many other dreams ahead of me. I will turn this closed door into motivation for perseverance and more effort.

I need to remember the many opportunities ahead of me. I need to remember the many ideals I have. I need to renew my hope. I need my friends. I need spirit. I need optimism. But where do I find it? I find it when I realize my dreams. I find it when I find a purpose. I will make a difference in this world. I will live outside myself. I will forget this National Merit Contest and move on to the many other opportunities of life.

Life with purpose. Accepting my flaws and taking in the lessons. I will take my bow this time; it's all I can do.

"Take a Bow" - Glee (originally Rihanna)

A Command to Have Fun

Today my leadership teacher noticed my stress and worried feeling. She told me that I needed to come into class with a positive attitude and less stress, or I would lose some points. And I agree. I should be punished for going too far in my stressfulness. I just wish people around me would help me realize that I am way too stressed out. I wish people would actually drag me out of my stressfulness and do something to help me realize to find balance in my life.

There is so much to do. So much to balance. This weekend I collapsed from all the stress. Today I had a major timed essay and another essay due. Last night my document disappeared and I had to rewrite it wasting another precious hour of sleep. I had a mediocre weekend filled with work and stress. Although it was nice to go to the JSA convention I really didn't have any close friends there and definitely no relaxation; JSAers just debate and add to my stress level. Before that I had my auction procurement in Seattle, and the ACT, and the complaints and stresses from class council members. And yet in all of this I am still trying to get my necessary homework done along with college apps and a job search.

Life is rough. But this weekend I really learned to appreciate those small things. My sedulous study session with two good friends. I only chatted for a few minutes, and I was incredibly productive. It was the precense of friends that helped me get through it. Then I encountered the girl I met at an NYU tour at a high school in Seattle of all places! I got to wander through Seattle and watch the view of Mount Rainier from the bridge. I laughed at the silly Temple assitant director of education's lame jokes and awkward expressions. I enjoyed my friend's perilous fall down the stairs in her high heels. And I watched the Lakehouse; thank god that movie had a happy ending (such a sucker for chick flicks.... no wonder people think I'm gay). So just by looking at this paragraph I can tell that despite all the stress in the previous paragraph, I had just as much joy. Even if the joy was not as noticeable, it was there and it kept me going.

It reall is the small things that count. I will go tomorrow to school and just breathe. Take in the small joys of life and even if it is a horrible unlucky day tomorrow, I will try to find a bright side to it all. While I doubt the power of optimism, I do believe that if you can just find one ounce of happiness it can at least save you from falling apart. And hopefully those small joys will build up and help to make your day a positive, not a negative.

Sleep. Breathe. Laugh.

Meaning, Comfort, Understanding

I heard a powerful story today. I was peer editing a personal essay by a friend of mine who I do not really now well. I was shocked to find out that she had lost her mother and a good friend in her life time. This was after reading my pathetic essay about humility and shame. What was amazing about her essay was the perspective it brought. When she sees people complain and whine about their lives she doesn't look down on them and actually tries to understand their feelings because she realizes that not everyone faces the same pain. But it brought me astounding perspective. I have not lost anyone particularly important to me, and I cannot imagine how on earth I would handle that kind of loss.

I have not suffered in my idyllic suburban life. I don't really try that hard to get a job or succeed because I don't understand how difficult life really can be. I am so thankful to have the privileges I do and I really don't want to suffer, but I wish I could understand that pain more. I want to make a difference in the world because I have been offered a wonderful chance at life. I wish I could understand better. I wish I could be more empathetic.

What I have understood is that I need to stop my prejudices. I have always thought that my prejudices were justified in some way, but I guess that is how racists think. I always look down upon the people who drink at my school or the cliqueyness of ASB. But I shouldn't judge so quickly. I should open my mind and open my heart. I finally understand why people are so reckless sometimes, considering the multiple deaths that have affected our school in the past year. I can imagine that the friends of those who have passed away feel like life is short. And life is short. I feel such an urgency to stop being so lazy and slackish. I would be ashamed if I died in my sleep tonight, but I finally think I will be more open to the people around me who seem so obnoxious or stupid.

In all of the schoolwork. In all of the college applications. In all of the job searching. In all of the stresses. We all just need to have a heart.

"Haven't Met You Yet" Michael Buble

I Sit Here Now....

But that will change. I believe that we need to make an effort to protect human dignity. I am taking a stance to lead a life for the world and humanity. I am putting faith in myself to accomplish my goals and make this world a better place. Now I stand.

But that will change. I will work hard to make a difference in this world. I will fight to protect the rights of innocently discriminated and unfairly punished people around the world. I will make an effort to save ourselves from our own self-destruction of the environment and individual liberties. I will go to a great college and take in all the learning and experiences I can to lead and change the world. I will challenge myself and become more aware through a career that will benefit humanity. I won't just stand up. I will walk. I will run. I will climb those fearful mountains for the betterment of the globe.

Please watch this video. I can't believe that this has been signed by so many nations for so long, yet so many people in the world are not allowed to enjoy the full rights designated by the UN Declaration of Human Rights:



Don't sit. Don't stand up. Don't walk. Don't even resign yourself to a run. Climb!

Why

I've been searching for motivation to help me accomplish my goals. But I've been struggling to find that fuel to motivate me. I've asked my friends and parents what motivates them, and the answers have been pitifully inconclusive. What motivates one person does not motivate another person.

So after I argued with my mom this morning I felt miserable. I felt pointless. I felt unaccomplished. Looking back at my life I haven't done enough. I haven't really made an impact on the world. I wonder why on earth I deserved to go to a college like Berkeley if I am not good enough. I haven't held an orchestra concert for the hungry or gotten a good paying job. I haven't won any sports events. I haven't built a robot or done a fundraiser for a natural disaster. I haven't volunteered in Africa or organized a movement. But in all the time I hadn't done all this stuff I realized so much about my life.

I realized the real reason for living: to make a difference on a global scale for the betterment of humanity. There are so many ways to do this, but I know that I need one thing to accomplish this - a positive outlook.

While I may not qualify for Berkeley at the moment I know I would prove myself through my passion for change. I love improving people's lives. It is incredibly challenging, but infinitely rewarding. And while I haven't shined yet, I know with a focus on my goals and the right tools I will be able to make a difference. I am going to go forward with my aim and even the menial tasks like asking for auction donations will be focused on my main goal. If I can overcome my fears of selling and speaking to adult authorities I can take on future challenges like corrupt politicians or greedy corporations. I have to ask myself why am I even doing this, and usually it will be a great learning experience that will enable me to go further in the future.

What motivates you? What keeps you going when times are tough? I know that all I have to do is step back (maybe take a shower) and ask myself why.

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And on a completely separate and depressing note I realized that I might not keep in touch with some of my friends in the future. I mean, once I go to college and everything I will be separated from my close friends. I believed at one time that I could maintain some of my dearest friendships for many years to come, but now that I think about it I worry that it won't be possible. Somehow, someway I will maintain and even strengthen those close friendships for many years to come. I didn't know how I would get through Junior year, but I did, so I guess I will keep up my friends when that challenge comes.

Friendship keeps me alive.

Incapable

Am I really capable of accomplishing my goals? Can I really do it? I have so much to do I can't even grasp it all. School, college, life; it's all going way over my head. I feel so overwhelmed that I just don't want to do anything at all. I am trying to write it all down, but I don't feel like I have air to breathe. I already feel like I am drowning in my aspirations on the first day of school.

God help me. God steer me. Guide me toward the right path. I know I have to lead my way, but I just cannot find the way or the will. What makes other people do so well? Why can't I get myself to achieve and take action. Why am I spending so much time writing on this blog instead of changing the world?

I need a plan. I can do anything if I set it all up in an organized manner. But there is just so much. I need time to breathe. And in that time I need some goading to make me organized and focused. I need to clean my room and offer myself a fresh start. I need to write it all down and center myself. I can do it, but I need time. I need space. I need renewal.

I just hope I get into college.

"Fireflies" Owl City

Cheesecake

I'm disappointed. My schedule is not how I want it for a variety of reasons. I don't have any classes with some of my closest friends. I don't have the teachers I necessarily want. I don't have the arrangement that would be ideal. Nothing worked perfectly. But in the past I've had everything work out well. Last year I had the perfect set of teachers and classes for friends and learning. But this year nothing has gone my way. I'm even on a special list of mess-ups by the counselor.

Maybe things could have worked out better, but they didn't. And if it always worked out well life would be as easy as cake. Cheesecake is marvelous to eat. And for years I've eaten delicious cheesecake, rich and sumptuous. So now, I've been handed some zucchini. It's not like I hate zucchini, but if I had to choose between cheesecake and zucchini I think the choice is obvious....

But it's good to try something new every once in a while. Maybe the zucchini is actually a cucumber or tastes even better than the cheesecake. Cheesecake spoils the body, but zucchini strengthens it. Likewise ideal conditions only set you up for a greater struggle if you ever face hardship. I'm happy in an odd way that I don't have my schedule the way I want it because for once I have to accept life and make it work. I will make my life awesome. I will live beyond my schedule. My schedule doesn't control me at all.

Tonight I saw a wonderful sunset. Not the most beautiful one I've ever seen but it was so astonishing. The dark clouds seemed so foreboding above me, but then in the far distance beyond Seattle and towards the Olympics I could see the oranges and yellow that signaled magnificence and hope. While life may seem dismal now, I know there is hope and a possibility for a better future. Even though it wasn't the most spectacular looking vista, it was the imperfection that gave me hope. The ability for us to change and become better. To grow and learn. To struggle and improve.

Life will just have to be taken in stride. I will surrender myself to God's will. I will let go of my biases. I will abandon my indiscriminate irrationality. I will accept imperfection as beauty.

"Surrender" Billy Talent



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