I have been pulled out of my comfort zone a lot this week. Two absences already; I have only been to school one day this week. Class council retreat, not too bad, since it's been done before, except this time I'm the president. Yom Kippur - meditative, but I'm forced to fast and think hard about my life, while making up my homework assignments. No sleep.
And the biggest worry I have had is my friendships. I have not had much social time, although I have stuffed a bit in here and there. With all this activity, friendship really doesn't have much room. Yes, I spent all day doing icebreakers with the class council, but they are all just regular friends. None of them have the super close relationships that I depend on for life. So, yes I have had social time, but no meaningful social time.
I guess this has just been a work period. But I have so much to do and I haven't managed my time well enough to get everything done. I want to do some agendas for class council. I want to e-mail the Temple about my madrich position. I want to get a copy of my transcript. I want to check my new class rank. I want to sell senior girls shirts. And senior sweatshirts. Do my kanji. Finish my Stats hw. Write my UC personal statement. And my UW essay. And those common app essays too. Fix the light on my car. Get a job while I'm at it. Finish that silly culminating project. Re-organize the song on my zen. Look at scholarships. Apply for scholarships. Do my JSA stuff: make a list of chapter activism activities, call organizations, go to the actual event at the same time as the Salmon Days Parade - which I am in. Train for martial arts. Practice my form. Timed write after school. Class council meeting. Choose senior pics. Complete work forms for temple. Talk to art teachers. Delegate responsibilities. Gather donations for the auction: hotels, museums, Kirkland, Issaquah. Wake up early on Friday for spirit honking. Oh, and I have a weird blemish on my back that I assume is either acne or cancer. Hoping for the first guess. And then it just keeps going and going.
My motto used to be: "just keep swimming," but in this situation I might as well need a jet boat, which do not have at my disposal (why don't I just start drinking caffeinated beverages?). I just don't know how I can do it all. I don't know anyone who is exactly in my shoes, so I have nobody to look up to. What do I do? I can only look into myself.
I am jumping far outside my comfort zone which results in a bit of damage and slows me down from progress and thus sleep and additional progress. But I will only be slowed down further if I don't stumble now. Let's just hope these falters don't cause me to fall down too hard to get up.
"Watch The Sun Come Up" - Example
This song makes me feel in love. It makes me feel excited for my future. I just need to watch the sun come up, and keep going, and keep enjoying those small moments.
:)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Standardization is Lame.
Another number. The ACT. Same scores exactly as the concurring score for the SAT. So I'm good, but not good enough. I hate these numbers. But they don't really matter. If I need a fantastic number to go to a great college, then I guess that college is not for me. What really matters to me is that I go to a college that opens my mind, challenges my perceptions, inspires me to make a difference, contributes to the globe, and invokes confidence. Many colleges will offer this to me and from my understanding God is probably sending me somewhere I will learn these lessons and grow as a person.
I have hope. I have a dream. And I guess that's all I need. Through all the obstacles and the ups and downs, all I need is something to aim for. And ideal. If I never reach this ideal I can proudly proclaim that I tried.
Yes, I envy those with the better numbers, but if they find themselves in their exclusive club of colleges only because of those numbers then I will be happy to know that I am not part of that. I guess I must put more effort into what I love, not standardized tests or class ranks.
Eilu D'varim
On this day of atonement, Yom Kippur, I hope to be granted forgiveness for my sins and that I may become a more meaningful person in the year to come, not just in thought and speech, but also in action. Lilah Tov.
I have hope. I have a dream. And I guess that's all I need. Through all the obstacles and the ups and downs, all I need is something to aim for. And ideal. If I never reach this ideal I can proudly proclaim that I tried.
Yes, I envy those with the better numbers, but if they find themselves in their exclusive club of colleges only because of those numbers then I will be happy to know that I am not part of that. I guess I must put more effort into what I love, not standardized tests or class ranks.
Eilu D'varim
These are the things the fruits (=interest) of which a person enjoys in this world, but the principal remains for him in the world to come:
- honoring father and mother,
- deeds of lovingkindness,
- early arrival at the study-house morning and evening,
- hospitality to guests,
- visiting the sick,
- dowering the bride,
- accompanying the dead (to burial),
- devotion in prayer,
- making peace between a man and his fellow,
- and the study of Torah is equal to them all.
(b. Shabbat 127a)
On this day of atonement, Yom Kippur, I hope to be granted forgiveness for my sins and that I may become a more meaningful person in the year to come, not just in thought and speech, but also in action. Lilah Tov.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Elation
Every once in a while I have good days. But this week has just been wonderful. I have really turned around. When I used to dawdle all night on the computer and push aside my homework I now actually focus for set amounts of time and then later enjoy some refreshing relaxation time. But I don't feel as unproductive. Despite being sick and tired I am happy. I am doing stuff. Not everything, and I am making plenty of mistakes, but I am also cherishing living for all of its wonders. It's amazing what a positive attitude can do. I feel propelled by nothing. Optimism and spirit really are superb.
In this holy week I hope that I can continue to think and be more positive. Not necessarily smiling all the time, but a real sustainable happiness, finding the silver lining in all the twists and turns of life. I love life!
LIFE! I'm alive! I'm excited! There is so much to enjoy. Art, science, literature, people, love. I want to see the movie Precious. I am excited to start developing this art project recognizing the student body. I am excited to start moving forward on the auction and representing the senior class through spirit gear. There is so much to live for. So much to enjoy. Life ain't easy, but I wouldn't take it any other way.
"Embers" Just Jack
This song just makes me happy :)
In this holy week I hope that I can continue to think and be more positive. Not necessarily smiling all the time, but a real sustainable happiness, finding the silver lining in all the twists and turns of life. I love life!
LIFE! I'm alive! I'm excited! There is so much to enjoy. Art, science, literature, people, love. I want to see the movie Precious. I am excited to start developing this art project recognizing the student body. I am excited to start moving forward on the auction and representing the senior class through spirit gear. There is so much to live for. So much to enjoy. Life ain't easy, but I wouldn't take it any other way.
"Embers" Just Jack
This song just makes me happy :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Ranked
Today I was determined to not even see my class rank. I didn't want to face any disappointment. I wanted to avoid comparison. But I went to the counseling office to talk about my transcript and then I ran into the giant and scary list. I saw it and to my dismay I was ranked twentieth. 20. Not even in the teens. I wasn't entirely disappointed, but it was not what I wanted. I wanted to be high enough to feel good about myself, somewhere in the lower teens. But 20? Not exactly my dream. I felt like I must be really stupid. I felt like I must not be qualified to go to Berkeley or accomplish any of my dreams. I don't know why I set myself up for such lofty goals. I didn't get National Merit Scholarship. I didn't get valedictorian. But then again I guess my goals are just silly. What are my motives for these goals? Inclusion? Respect? Admiration? Living up to that geography has really messed me up. How on earth do I live up to such success from that event? I really can't. But it is time to stop assuming I am better than those around me. It is time to stop judging and being elitist.
The worst part about my disappointment was how I reacted. Instead of clearly thinking and being rational, I immediately started whining to my friends. I compared myself to my peers. I sought attention. Why do I need attention so badly? Once you receive attention and admiration it's so hard to accept that not everything is such a big deal. My experiences have caused me to expect that every small change in life is another spectacle. But it really isn't.
And what really disturbs me is how my focus is so centered on such a stupid thing like class rank. Does it really matter? NO, 20 is amazing and will get me into college. I should be doing something meaningful. I should be taking action. I should apply myself. I guess this is just another shameful lesson in conceitedness. I really want to stop being so self-centered.
Time for action.
And my stress release: dancing.
"G-Get Up and Dance" - Faber Drive
The worst part about my disappointment was how I reacted. Instead of clearly thinking and being rational, I immediately started whining to my friends. I compared myself to my peers. I sought attention. Why do I need attention so badly? Once you receive attention and admiration it's so hard to accept that not everything is such a big deal. My experiences have caused me to expect that every small change in life is another spectacle. But it really isn't.
And what really disturbs me is how my focus is so centered on such a stupid thing like class rank. Does it really matter? NO, 20 is amazing and will get me into college. I should be doing something meaningful. I should be taking action. I should apply myself. I guess this is just another shameful lesson in conceitedness. I really want to stop being so self-centered.
Time for action.
And my stress release: dancing.
"G-Get Up and Dance" - Faber Drive
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Puyallup!
In my new optimistic spirit, today I went to the Puyallup Fair, the biggest and best fair in the grand Northwest. And for the first time in a while I feel hope. Obama withdrew our missile program in Europe and the Russians removed theirs. The economy is slowly rebounding, and while not perfect there is hope in innovation and spirit. Based on the Puyallup Fair's ridiculous attendance, the recession seems a little ridiculous. Life is great. Life isn't perfect, but whatever happens, things will be alright. I love this video by Shiloh. I hope to be like the kids in the video: great friends with great futures ahead because of their optimism. If you believe things will work out, they will.
"Alright" - Shiloh
Amazing 15-year-old singer from BC. It surprises me how so many young musical artists come from Canada.
For a while now, I have been depressed, but this weekend has changed my life. I received that inspirational facebook message on Friday night when I was in the pits of despair, and then I had Rosh Hashanah. The Jewish New Year. A time for repentence and a declaration of sins. I finally felt the shackles of worry, self-pity, and prejudice slide away. I always picture the words of my sins: ignorance, gossip, self-absorption, float away above me and into the sky. I know those sins will stay with me for life, but I feel renewed hope and the ability to improve myself. I see so much hope in the world. I see so much reason to live. I don't know what was missing in my life, but this marvelous weekend showed me the spirit I needed. I had fun! True utter fun at the fair. Riding on the ExtremeScream, eating junk food, viewing Mt. Rainier. All of it was so magical and fantastic. And coming back to reality I didn't feel like the temporary happiness had disappeared when the activity stopped, rather the happiness remains inside of me, unwilling to vanish.
I am not happy in the excited way, but happy in a deeper way. I feel like my veins are embedded with joy. I am pervaded with a sense of optimism. I feel more willing to do the mundane tasks and to find the joys in life. I feel more willing to listen, open up, and hug my friends. Even if I am tired tomorrow, I am excited to be a part of the adventures and put my full energy into all of my efforts.
More change is needed in the world! Look at this legacy of apartheid:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/playlist/world/africa/1194811622207/index.html#
"Apartheid Haunts South Africa's Schools"
I thought my school sucked because it's outside and our classrooms are mostly low-tech and portables at the moment. But then I found out these facts about South Africa's public high schools:
-many teachers don't even show up to teach
-less than half of students reach twelfth grade
-lowest scores on achievement tests
-most do not go to college
Life is all about perspective. Life can always be better. Many things are meant to happen in life and God sent me a lot this weekend to reflect about. There is no perfection unless people are contented with imperfection.
"Alright" - Shiloh
Amazing 15-year-old singer from BC. It surprises me how so many young musical artists come from Canada.
For a while now, I have been depressed, but this weekend has changed my life. I received that inspirational facebook message on Friday night when I was in the pits of despair, and then I had Rosh Hashanah. The Jewish New Year. A time for repentence and a declaration of sins. I finally felt the shackles of worry, self-pity, and prejudice slide away. I always picture the words of my sins: ignorance, gossip, self-absorption, float away above me and into the sky. I know those sins will stay with me for life, but I feel renewed hope and the ability to improve myself. I see so much hope in the world. I see so much reason to live. I don't know what was missing in my life, but this marvelous weekend showed me the spirit I needed. I had fun! True utter fun at the fair. Riding on the ExtremeScream, eating junk food, viewing Mt. Rainier. All of it was so magical and fantastic. And coming back to reality I didn't feel like the temporary happiness had disappeared when the activity stopped, rather the happiness remains inside of me, unwilling to vanish.
I am not happy in the excited way, but happy in a deeper way. I feel like my veins are embedded with joy. I am pervaded with a sense of optimism. I feel more willing to do the mundane tasks and to find the joys in life. I feel more willing to listen, open up, and hug my friends. Even if I am tired tomorrow, I am excited to be a part of the adventures and put my full energy into all of my efforts.
More change is needed in the world! Look at this legacy of apartheid:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/playlist/world/africa/1194811622207/index.html#
"Apartheid Haunts South Africa's Schools"
I thought my school sucked because it's outside and our classrooms are mostly low-tech and portables at the moment. But then I found out these facts about South Africa's public high schools:
-many teachers don't even show up to teach
-less than half of students reach twelfth grade
-lowest scores on achievement tests
-most do not go to college
Life is all about perspective. Life can always be better. Many things are meant to happen in life and God sent me a lot this weekend to reflect about. There is no perfection unless people are contented with imperfection.
Friday, September 18, 2009
One Message
Tonight I was awakened.
The past two weeks have been hell. I have become absorbed by the small worries and turned into a workaholic. I have forgotten to enjoy life. I have forgotten how to enjoy the sunshine. I have forgotten to trust. But tonight I realized it all. This afternoon I decided to lie down on my lawn and just stare at the clouds. For ten minutes I just tried to release it all. I just wanted to talk to a friend, but nobody was available. I put a lot of energy into my friendships, and I understand that not everyone can do that, but I hope that all my efforts will be rewarded through trust and rapport. Today all the criticisms and mistakes that had built up from my activities, my family, and myself brought my spirit down to the bottom.
My heart sank like a stone. My mind dizzied. Nothing mattered, yet everything was beautiful. I nearly cried in English as we discussed a passage from Chopin's The Awakening, describing the loneliness of Edna. It wasn't like I was lonely, but nobody seemed to sense how I truly felt. I take for granted my friendships, and expect a lot out of them I guess. But I still wish for people to just try and understand how I feel. I am stubborn and I wish that people would just be brave enough to tell me that they notice something wrong and that they would persist to understand my problem despite my persistent refusals of unhappiness. I deny people entry into my heart. It isn't about telling people your problems, it's about letting them understand your problems and enter your soul.
So tonight I read a profound message on Facebook of all places. I have a friend who I don't really talk to much, yet was able to sense how I felt through these blogs. My friend sent me a message perhaps coincidentally at the same time as the abyss of my negative energy. It came so out of the blue and was so remarkably aware and understanding that I cried. I cried because I felt fulfilled. I cried out of pure joy. I cried as if my mom gave me a hug. My friend knew so much about me that I never release except to very close friends and this blog. But my friend read my blog and understood the ups and downs I have gone through. It was this understanding that made me so euphoric. I felt like someone cared enough about me to face the barrier of unemotion and take the risk to enter my heart. And it worked like magic.
Today I was just so close to calling it all quits. But I kept persisting through life for no reason at all. I at least felt an obligation to finish a task I promised. But afterwards when I came home I didn't know what to think. Whether to worry about the next task or to just stop trying to make life worth living. And I went online to see if anyone cared and all I got were college e-mails and lame facebook photo taggings. But the one message I read was atypical. Someone had actually sent me a personal message that wasn't related to some productive scheme. And my soul opened up and was revitalized. The mattress of stress that had been crushing me had lifted off my so much more. All the pessimism that debilitated me melted into a viscous liquid. Although the stress has not disappeared, the pressure and restrictiveness of it has.
All it took for me was one caring message from a friend. Someone who took the time to just say something to me. We all need these random acts of kindness. There is a time for these and my friend happened to choose the time when I needed it most. I am still trying to comprehend it all, but for once I feel like I can lead a more meaningful life that I want to lead without losing sight of my purpose.
"Empire State of Mind" Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys
Not really a fan of Jay-Z, but this song inspires me. I might just end up in NYC. But no matter where it is, I wil find the inspiration in the small but inherent parts of each setting.
The past two weeks have been hell. I have become absorbed by the small worries and turned into a workaholic. I have forgotten to enjoy life. I have forgotten how to enjoy the sunshine. I have forgotten to trust. But tonight I realized it all. This afternoon I decided to lie down on my lawn and just stare at the clouds. For ten minutes I just tried to release it all. I just wanted to talk to a friend, but nobody was available. I put a lot of energy into my friendships, and I understand that not everyone can do that, but I hope that all my efforts will be rewarded through trust and rapport. Today all the criticisms and mistakes that had built up from my activities, my family, and myself brought my spirit down to the bottom.
My heart sank like a stone. My mind dizzied. Nothing mattered, yet everything was beautiful. I nearly cried in English as we discussed a passage from Chopin's The Awakening, describing the loneliness of Edna. It wasn't like I was lonely, but nobody seemed to sense how I truly felt. I take for granted my friendships, and expect a lot out of them I guess. But I still wish for people to just try and understand how I feel. I am stubborn and I wish that people would just be brave enough to tell me that they notice something wrong and that they would persist to understand my problem despite my persistent refusals of unhappiness. I deny people entry into my heart. It isn't about telling people your problems, it's about letting them understand your problems and enter your soul.
So tonight I read a profound message on Facebook of all places. I have a friend who I don't really talk to much, yet was able to sense how I felt through these blogs. My friend sent me a message perhaps coincidentally at the same time as the abyss of my negative energy. It came so out of the blue and was so remarkably aware and understanding that I cried. I cried because I felt fulfilled. I cried out of pure joy. I cried as if my mom gave me a hug. My friend knew so much about me that I never release except to very close friends and this blog. But my friend read my blog and understood the ups and downs I have gone through. It was this understanding that made me so euphoric. I felt like someone cared enough about me to face the barrier of unemotion and take the risk to enter my heart. And it worked like magic.
Today I was just so close to calling it all quits. But I kept persisting through life for no reason at all. I at least felt an obligation to finish a task I promised. But afterwards when I came home I didn't know what to think. Whether to worry about the next task or to just stop trying to make life worth living. And I went online to see if anyone cared and all I got were college e-mails and lame facebook photo taggings. But the one message I read was atypical. Someone had actually sent me a personal message that wasn't related to some productive scheme. And my soul opened up and was revitalized. The mattress of stress that had been crushing me had lifted off my so much more. All the pessimism that debilitated me melted into a viscous liquid. Although the stress has not disappeared, the pressure and restrictiveness of it has.
All it took for me was one caring message from a friend. Someone who took the time to just say something to me. We all need these random acts of kindness. There is a time for these and my friend happened to choose the time when I needed it most. I am still trying to comprehend it all, but for once I feel like I can lead a more meaningful life that I want to lead without losing sight of my purpose.
"Empire State of Mind" Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys
Not really a fan of Jay-Z, but this song inspires me. I might just end up in NYC. But no matter where it is, I wil find the inspiration in the small but inherent parts of each setting.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Big Dreams, Bigger Heart, and Beautiful Imagery
I find so much to be excited for in this world. I hear a lot of misery and worry; it often suffocates me. But every once in a while, and more often nowadays, I am noticing the small wonders of life. I really need to learn to focus better and get more sleep, but meanwhile I will carry on with my unproductive ways and I will somehow accomplish my dreams.
But what's most important is that I have passion and motivation. I am doing a lot for class council and for school and hopefully I can transfer my determination to my health, global change, family, and friendships. I have to prioritize, but I just love so much in life! Life is exciting and I will enjoy it while I have it. Cherish these opportunities because each day is brighter and better even if it seems temporarily gloomy.
My favorite place in the world. Lanikai Beach - the sand feels like butter on your toes, the water is crystal clear and warm, the wind whips your face gently, and the sunrise is breathtaking. Hopefully it will bring you something, peace, joy, wonder, love, happiness.
But what's most important is that I have passion and motivation. I am doing a lot for class council and for school and hopefully I can transfer my determination to my health, global change, family, and friendships. I have to prioritize, but I just love so much in life! Life is exciting and I will enjoy it while I have it. Cherish these opportunities because each day is brighter and better even if it seems temporarily gloomy.
My favorite place in the world. Lanikai Beach - the sand feels like butter on your toes, the water is crystal clear and warm, the wind whips your face gently, and the sunrise is breathtaking. Hopefully it will bring you something, peace, joy, wonder, love, happiness.
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