Appeasers

Appeasement is the reason my relatives died in the Holocaust. Compromise is the reason that slavery and the subsequent discrimination against African-Americans and other minorities perpetuated for so long. People need to take a stance. I'm tired of waiting for equal rights for all people regardless of sexuality. I'm tired of people trying to make everyone else happy.

Today has been wacky. Or rather this afternoon. Dealing with Homecoming is far worse than I expected. So many curveballs have been thrown at me. And I'm not in control of anything. The worst thing is that I feel completely subordinate. I feel like I'm being controlled. There is one thing I cannot stand in the world and that is losing my free will. I hate the idea of destiny I guess. I hate the idea of strict systems. I hate the idea of a single test score affecting the college you get into. I hate how small details can have such a damaging impact on a person's life.

I wish people would stop trying to appease. I try so hard to make a stance, but I knew I would be hated for it eventually. And now I'm dealing with the consequences of my opinionated life. I hate myself sometimes. I feel so trapped. I have to clean up the messes of my friend asking one girl to homecoming instead of another. I have to make late-night decisions that are far too stressful for me. I can't afford 55 for a limo ride. I can't afford a dinner at a golf club. I have always felt poor compared to my fellow classmates, but it never really affected me because I've always been really frugal. But now I have to deal with all this. I'm expected to spend all this money as if I'm rolling in dough. And then my friends can't follow deadlines for a project. I've been up so late waiting for them. But I know I can't do it without them.

I'm just so enthralled in emotion right now. Nothing seems to be going as it was planned. I feel like I'm going insane. I'm so exhausted. I'm so tired. I want to cry. I want to laugh. But i'm stuck in this abyss of stress. I can't escape. I try to grab onto something to get out, but all I can do is scream and blame others for the problems.

I feel like a debbie downer. I feel like I'm trying to drag everyone else down with me. But I also feel like nobody understands how much stress I am feeling right now. There are just too many emotions right now.





I guess all I want is a hug.






no music today. it's just not appropriate.

Hypocrite

I tell my friend advice, frankly, quite good advice. But I can't even follow through with my own advice. I am near collapse. I need to take a break. Thank god for the PSAT tomorrow, but I don't have a day off mid-week every week. How can I handle all of this? I don't need to go through the list again. It's just a load of bricks. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to set my priorities straight.

Sometimes I just feel like I have failed. I have so many expectations. I want to live beyond the simple completion of tasks, but I cannot even get the robotic mundanities finished. I feel so miserable. I just want to enjoy my senior year but I feel trapped in a psychotic whirlpool of heavylifting. I really want to have fun when I can, and for me the most fun thing to do is hang out with my friends. But my friends are always busy. Or always doing things amongst themselves. I am glad for the moments I do get with my friends, but I feel like everything is so serious these days.

The biggest problem is myself. I am always worried about other people, and I try to close my own emotions off from others. But I know that I need to be open if I want to feel less miserable. If I keep holding all the stress in, I will explode. If anything, I spend plenty of time with my friends, but its always stressful, since I am always worried by how little time we have left.

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I enjoy the fleeting and spontaneous moment? Why is everything in my life so drab and mechanical? I just want to have fun. I just want to relax. But I don't think I know how to...

help

Remind Yourself

We must always remind ourselves to live a greater purpose in life. My school has so many grade-focused individuals. Most of them are incredibly capable people who can manage their grades, extra-curriculars, sports, and quality relationships. But most of us cannot balance everything, or at least we haven't learned how to. Balance is difficult to achieve in life. When we can't balance, we must prioritize.

Priorities are a temporary way to get through the gunk of life. Unfortunately I have been living in prioritizing mode for the better of the last two months. It is not very fulfilling, although it helps to bring perspective into life and get things done. But you are limited by your list. Sometimes the list actually manifests itself into a crazy obsession such as what I deal with, constantly trying to fill up the list so I feel like I am "doing" something. However I feel strained to complete the endless tasks and I never feel accomplished by just writing down my list of to dos.

The most important thing to do is to live beyond the homework, the lists, the planners, the grades, the test scores. To live for a greater purpose is far more fulfilling. I have been inspired by many things in my life and I always feel slightly guilty learning about the misfortunate who have far more courage and meaning in their lives than I do. However I am mostly inspired by these stories. One night I was looking for a better understanding of life in South Africa and I stumbled on this blog: http://livinglifebreathlessly.blogspot.com/

For one thing, I was surprised not to find a blog about the culture of South Africa, but of a girl's struggle with cystic fibrosis and her new lungs she received, allowing her to breathe. I cannot get a sense of what life would be like without breathing. But this girl had to live with shallow breaths for much of life, afflicted with a miserable disease, and still survived. Again I feel slightly guilty, but this girl doesn't want to guilt people, rather she wants to inspire us to live better lives. She writes about her daily life like the rest of us bloggers, and that inspires her because living a normal life is her only dream.

So, don't forget how powerful life is just as it is. Be thankful for what you have now. You may feel miserable at the moment, but take it in and put your life in perspective. Be inspired by people like Alice with cystic fibrosis just hoping to go to the local braai (Afrikaans for bbq), and finally able to because she can breathe.

Breathing. So fundamental, yet some people don't have the chance to do so.

"Breathe Me (Remix)" - Sia



Always inspired by this song, and now I found a remix! Always a new flair to this touching music.

Journeys

Be real. Be yourself. Cherish these moments. Why do I so want to cherish the moments we have now? Why do I feel they are so precious? I guess I really need to stop worrying about trying so hard to make the moments so great.

Today I planned on going to the Olympic Sculpture Park with my friends. It became slightly larger than I expected and one of my friends brought her boyfriend with us who we didn't know. It sort of split our group in two. We arrived incredibly late, and I complained and stressed out about it the entire ride. When we finally arrived I felt more stressed out than I wanted to be because we had time limits that nobody seemed to be aware of. It's very difficult for me to relax if I don't have plenty of time to do things or if there is no plan to things. I know other people are fine with going with the flow, but the problem is if everyone does that then other problems happen, so I feel like I am left to plan and organize the nitty gritty details. I feel like I can't enjoy the time I spend with my friends because I am stuck in this position. I wish I didn't have this role of organizer all the time. It's stressful trying to appease to everyone and I forget to have a good time myself. I enjoyed my excursion to Seattle today, but I really wish it had been less stressful and more fun.

I need to learn to have more fun in less time. I need to learn to enjoy the journey rather than the destination. I guess I have to stop trying to satisfy everyone. I CAN'T BE PERFECT!

I really wish I was more like my friends. They worry so little about the stupid things I freak out over. Like sharing dishes. Or going into people's fridges. Or being late. I am such a perfectionist, but I don't know how to stop. When I am "perfect" I take no risks, and therefore I am limiting myself. I always thought I knew what perfection was, but now I know that it is such an impossibility that it shouldn't even exist as a concept. Perfect. What does that mean?

I remember reading a book in elementary school about the topic. It was something like "How to be perfect." I didn't really understand the book. It said that there were three steps to being perfect, something like not sleeping, doing nothing, and something else. I could not understand, and I thought it was rather stupid. I mean, it was obvious even when I was 9 that sleeplessness was not perfection. I have yearned for perfection for a long time. But perfection is not all that matters. If I only enjoy the destination, I will only be satisfied with life at one point. But if I can find joy in the journey, I can be so much happier.

Finding joy in the journey will not come naturally to me without stepping outside my comfort zone. I cannot be afraid. I cannot lose motivation. I am looking forward to this month. It will not be easy. But I will survive. No, I won't just survive, I will thrive. Each moment will be wonderful even if it doesn't seem that way at first. Party every day. Struggle every day. Live every day!

"Steppin Out" - Kaskade

F = :) ?

The despised letter: F. F stands for failure. F stands for f---. F stands for misery and doom. F stands for the end of a restaurant or a financial scheme. F stands for the closure of college dreams. But I have an F and I am surprisingly.... happy?

No, I am not really giddy by the 50% score on my Stats test. Or the 33% on the physics problem. But I know I am horrible with applied math. I really hate math, but I know it is useful and even though my worst type of math is applied math, I think it is the most interesting. I rarely fail, and for some reason I don't care that much. Maybe it's because grades are not as crucial in twelfth grade. But they are still important. I think the biggest change is my mindset. I am no longer looking at my grades as a measure of my capability, but as a benchmark of my learning. An F means I obviously didn't get it, and I need to try A LOT harder. I also need to sleep A LOT more. But despite these abysmal scores I am more determined than ever before to take the step to improve. I am stepping far outside my comfort zone with these Fs, but I will never become better if I don't take any risk.

So yes, an F equals happiness right now. There are far more important things in the world than grades. I just asked the girl I have a crush on to homecoming. It really was quite a step outside my comfort zone. It really saved me today. I know I won't be dating, but I at least took the step to be social so that I can at least be more than just a robot that spills out numbers.

And probably the most powerful moment (or hour) of my life was this Tuesday. It was a miserable day. And my friend was having an even more miserable time. I pretend that everyone around me is really quite happy with their lives, but we all hide inside shells of happiness. It is such a relief to eat junk food and sit in the car with a friend and just let out all the frustration. It really helps to not feel alone in this world. I hope my friend understands that despite all the hardship there is so much in life to live for. It really struck me that we hold so much emotion within us and we forget to take care of ourselves. It hurts us so much when we try to ignore our own needs. In fact the more we put aside our needs, the more we hold back from our maximum potential. We all need to take time to sit and cry and talk to a friend. I want to make an effort to help whomever is left alone each day at lunch and may not have a friend to lean on. We can't depend on our friends like a safety net, but we need our friends every once in a while to just fall on. That's probably the best way to deal with all the compounded pressures of life.

So my life has been filled with ups and downs.

"Everything Went Down" - Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden



The lyrics are so applicable: "Everything Went down on Tuesday"

"Crush" - David Archuleta



This totally relates to today, for simple reasons.

"Chokola" - Lady May



I don't even have a clue what this song is talking about although it is from Namibia. Probably sex or drugs or something, but it is a perfect mix of African and techno beats. And it totally makes me feel free and less worried. We should all try to dance around like the Namibians.

Start

I began the journey today. The tumultuous and stifling path toward college application. I have three apps right now and possibly a fourth if time permits. There is just too much to do. But I must begin. I wrote out the entire schedule tonight. I will complete my homework, get some sleep, and then the crushing work will begin tomorrow. I have this weekend to cram in two or three essays as well as a scholarship application.

I wish I had done it earlier. I wish I didn't procrastinate so much. But what can I do. I can look back on the past and try to learn from the mistakes, but I can't change anything. I can move forward and progress. I have a plan. I have goals. And I have a reward system. When I succeed I will reward myself with an outing. For example on Sunday I would like to go to Seattle and see the Olympic Sculpture Park with some friends. It is probably one of my favorite places to go and see. I just hope I can go with someone this time.

I went this weekend. It was spectacularly restive. But I miss the endearing companionship that my friends invoke. I need their company to feel more alive. I shouldn't depend on friends, but I really believe that I am as intrinsically connected with my friends as I am with the rest of my life. Without my friends I am just Swiss cheese. Filled with holes and quick to spoil.

A Banned Advertisement about Soweto



South Africa is one of my favorite countries in the world and this video is quite thought-provoking. Hopefully it will help you understand the racism inherent to that country and found around the world from different eyes.

石の上にも三年

The above proverb says: Ishino uenimo sannen. When translated this says, that sitting on a stone for three years will make anything possible. And while sitting on a stone forever may not necessarily accomplish your goals, perseverance can overcome all things. If we persevere we may realize our goals are too short or even too lofty, but if we don't keep trying, trying, and trying, we will never know.

I have a mid-term goal that is paramount to my life: college. I have my dream college that I will never be able to go to unless I can muster up incredible courage, luck, and will. I have already failed myself by not staying motivated and losing faith with myself in the past. I am probably past the point when I can make up for my mistakes to get into Berkeley, but I will keep trying. Those carillon bells above the eucalyptus inspire me every day. I do my triangle push-ups in martial arts and I think of Berkeley and the library. I do my boring Stats homework and I imagine myself in the laboratory with nobel laureates and diverse students. I do the tedious auction and fundraising work keeping in mind Sproul Plaza and the innumerable student organizations that inspire even more activism. I go to JSA and meander through the silly speeches and whines of the affluent suburban teenager, eager to go to a school where protest is cool. Maybe Berkeley is just a symbol for what I want; I know I can have just as great an experience at many other more affordable colleges. But I want to challenge myself. I want to achieve something that may not be possible for all. Tonight I even went and had a dinner with the head of undergraduate admissions (I sat next to him!). What sets me apart is my passion for my goal.

That's all you need. You need to find inspiration. You need to find a goal. You need to accept that you may fail, but you need to dream. You need to find a dream in which you can enjoy every step along the way.

I have a friend who truly embodies this journey-focus, rather than a focus on the destination. He plays ultimate all the time, runs every day, sleeps at least eight hours a night, and manages to be ranked eleventh in the class. How does he do it? I don't really know, but I assume that he doesn't care what others think and focuses on enjoying the moment. It helps that he is smart, but even if he didn't have such a great GPA, he would be happy. He doesn't need recognition or a number to find satisfaction. He lives to live.

I don't think we all should necessarily live like him because some people need to try. But we cannot forget to live. I can imagine myself continuing down this path, only working all the time, hoping for some reward later on. But I need to step out of the workaholic path every once in a while, not only for relaxation, but to improve my abilities and to reflect on self-improvement.

The moment you can accept that you are not perfect, you can accomplish anything.

"You See Berkeley"



Yes it's an ad, but maybe you can understand my passion for this dream.