The past twenty-four hours have been thought-provoking and incredibly self-introspective.
It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.
The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.
The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.
I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.
I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.
And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.
"Careful" - Paramore
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thrill
I awoke groggily at 5:30, and quickly annihilated my alarm. Then I woke up from my Dad surprised that it was 6:00. My heart raced. I had to take a shower, eat, prep for school, make my lunch, and get there by 6:30. And I didn't. I didn't even get to where I needed to go until 6:45. But that's life. Then I set up for the assembly, barely awake. I continued to tread lightly through the day, unable to really comprehend it all. I couldn't appreciate the small wonderful moments. But I tried. I was happy today. I felt satisfied that we had a wonderful spirit chair. I was astounded by our class spirit. And we dominated the competition, culminating in the "check" made on butcher paper. But it was quite the euphoria. Engulfed in the spirit of the Senior section, surrounded by the excitement of my friends, discussing the hot topics, drinking Naked juice, and eating fatty food.
The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.
Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.
To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!
"Homecoming" - Hey Monday
The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.
Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.
To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!
"Homecoming" - Hey Monday
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Want
We prefer to be told sugar-coated ideals and optimistic thoughts. We like the people who try to make us happy. But the words that stick with us are the ones that hurt. And we're hurt because we either are insecure about what has been said or we are afraid of what has been said. Words only hurt when they reveal something uncomfortable. For some swearing reveals discomfort. For others it may be lustful imagery. And for others the talk of grades or timeliness may have the same affect. But no matter what, we seem to throw aside the petty pep talks in exchange for the harsher, yet more penetrating words.
We want to be told everything is alright. And it can be a good thing when the emotions of misery and desperation overtake everything. But we need to stop. We can live life pretending that a few words will fix all our problems. Kind actions speak so much louder than words. Meaningful, yet terse statements make for more impact than verbose and eloquent speeches. Yes, there are times for beautiful language, but sometimes we spend too much time with our heads in the clouds pretending everything will be fixed with pretty words that we lose touch with the ground.
So please I hope that I can detract from the want for unsustainable fluff, and accept the criticisms, realities, and discomforts of the world. If not I will only be more fearful of the world.
And fear holds us all back.
"Headlock" Imogen Heap
We want to be told everything is alright. And it can be a good thing when the emotions of misery and desperation overtake everything. But we need to stop. We can live life pretending that a few words will fix all our problems. Kind actions speak so much louder than words. Meaningful, yet terse statements make for more impact than verbose and eloquent speeches. Yes, there are times for beautiful language, but sometimes we spend too much time with our heads in the clouds pretending everything will be fixed with pretty words that we lose touch with the ground.
So please I hope that I can detract from the want for unsustainable fluff, and accept the criticisms, realities, and discomforts of the world. If not I will only be more fearful of the world.
And fear holds us all back.
"Headlock" Imogen Heap
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I am who I am
"Don't Wait" - Dashboard Confessional
Sometimes I feel like my life is like this. I am overwhelmed by the craziness. And everything and everyone seems to move around me so quickly. I guess it is just as beautiful as it is overwhelming.
Today was weird. I was exhausted. I was tired. And I had to organize so much. But in the end I have time to think. I actually faced my stupid and irrational actions. I really realized how much I need sleep sometimes. Just to ensure my sanity. I do a lot of stupid things. But for once I shut my mouth. I still feel so insecure about some of my friendships. I don't want to be felt as superior to anybody. But I guess that's what communication is for.
One thing I realized today is that I spend too much time meandering with talk to some of my friends. The only problem with that is words are nice but they can only do so much. It's the actions that stand out far more often (at least in my world) than the many words that I am pelted with every day. I only feel quieter because speaking seems so less vital. I don't know what makes a real friendship, but I feel like I am slowly releasing my real self.
I am not happy. But that doesn't mean I am depressed. I just need to find myself some solace in accomplishment of my goals. I need to first of all write out my goals! I need to cleanse myself and reflect. There is not enough time in the day usually. But I will find time. I will work that much harder during my day to finish my homework and reduce my heavy workload. I need to be free from all the burdens. When I am free I am so different. But how can I be free if I am addicted to work? Priorities. The small joys. There are so many pieces of advice, but beading them all together is so difficult. I won't ever be perfect, so I guess I just have to accept my life as it is. It's difficult, I take everything so personally. But work, and leadership, and friends are helping me to understand that I can't take every small thing personally.
Who am I? I don't know. But I am who I am and I am sorry if you dislike that. But if you can accept me for who I am I will open my heart and let you enter.
Sometimes I feel like my life is like this. I am overwhelmed by the craziness. And everything and everyone seems to move around me so quickly. I guess it is just as beautiful as it is overwhelming.
Today was weird. I was exhausted. I was tired. And I had to organize so much. But in the end I have time to think. I actually faced my stupid and irrational actions. I really realized how much I need sleep sometimes. Just to ensure my sanity. I do a lot of stupid things. But for once I shut my mouth. I still feel so insecure about some of my friendships. I don't want to be felt as superior to anybody. But I guess that's what communication is for.
One thing I realized today is that I spend too much time meandering with talk to some of my friends. The only problem with that is words are nice but they can only do so much. It's the actions that stand out far more often (at least in my world) than the many words that I am pelted with every day. I only feel quieter because speaking seems so less vital. I don't know what makes a real friendship, but I feel like I am slowly releasing my real self.
I am not happy. But that doesn't mean I am depressed. I just need to find myself some solace in accomplishment of my goals. I need to first of all write out my goals! I need to cleanse myself and reflect. There is not enough time in the day usually. But I will find time. I will work that much harder during my day to finish my homework and reduce my heavy workload. I need to be free from all the burdens. When I am free I am so different. But how can I be free if I am addicted to work? Priorities. The small joys. There are so many pieces of advice, but beading them all together is so difficult. I won't ever be perfect, so I guess I just have to accept my life as it is. It's difficult, I take everything so personally. But work, and leadership, and friends are helping me to understand that I can't take every small thing personally.
Who am I? I don't know. But I am who I am and I am sorry if you dislike that. But if you can accept me for who I am I will open my heart and let you enter.
Monday, October 19, 2009
So What
There is supposed to be a "so what" factor in my essay for English class. It's far easier on paper to understand than in life. But in life those "so what" factors are so crucial. I wish people would just try once to move beyond themselves. I wish they could just challenge themselves every once in a while. I don't want to continue my silent treatment. I want to rejuvenate my friendships. I want to restore the spirit of my rapports, but I am closing off until I feel like I know what is real. I cannot continue to live a lie. I cannot continue to change myself for the inclusion of others. I cannot continue appealing to others. I am breaking the cycle as painful as it may be. I am ending the pity when I see it, by ignoring it. And until those who really want to maintain their friendships with me can stop the pity and be real with me, I cannot accept them as real friends.
I am not ending any friendships. But I am putting everything into perspective. I realized last week that I have been pushed around a lot, mostly by my own doing, so that I could fit in with a particular group. But I want to be freed. I want to know if I can trust my friends. I want to know if they are not just amicable and actually care about my welfare. I have made many mistakes with my friendships, but I have also put a lot of passion into them. I just want some of the same care I put into my friendships towards me. If it doesn't happen, that's life, but I am ending the cycle of pity once and for all.
I'm sorry if this seems incredulous and mean. I don't mean it to be that way. But if you can move past that and understand the point, or even try to understand the point, you are maturing. There is no simple solution and I have no task to be accomplished. But I know who already has succeeded and who has tried but failed. If you want to give up be my guest, and I will gladly restore the lame friendship I had. But I need to move forward, and I need to know who will accept that.
Yes, this is stupid. But we all need to be stupid before we can become wise.
This is me searching for that "so what" factor in life. It's very difficult and I'm not even sure where I am going, but I know what isn't right, I just don't know what is.
"Did It Again" - Shakira
I feel like I can relate to Shakira. Just a bit.
I am not ending any friendships. But I am putting everything into perspective. I realized last week that I have been pushed around a lot, mostly by my own doing, so that I could fit in with a particular group. But I want to be freed. I want to know if I can trust my friends. I want to know if they are not just amicable and actually care about my welfare. I have made many mistakes with my friendships, but I have also put a lot of passion into them. I just want some of the same care I put into my friendships towards me. If it doesn't happen, that's life, but I am ending the cycle of pity once and for all.
I'm sorry if this seems incredulous and mean. I don't mean it to be that way. But if you can move past that and understand the point, or even try to understand the point, you are maturing. There is no simple solution and I have no task to be accomplished. But I know who already has succeeded and who has tried but failed. If you want to give up be my guest, and I will gladly restore the lame friendship I had. But I need to move forward, and I need to know who will accept that.
Yes, this is stupid. But we all need to be stupid before we can become wise.
This is me searching for that "so what" factor in life. It's very difficult and I'm not even sure where I am going, but I know what isn't right, I just don't know what is.
"Did It Again" - Shakira
I feel like I can relate to Shakira. Just a bit.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Dealing with the Downs
I have had one of those weekends. One of those weekends you sort of want to forget and you sort of want to remember. One of those weekends that leave an imprint on your life. I realize I am blessed. I have lived through this stress without mono or alcohol or even caffeine. I have survived. And that's something to be proud of. But I know I have to be more than just alive. I won't be happy with myself if I am satisfied with such a simple goal.
I always say I care about other people more so than anything else. But I never do much to make a difference. I don't go out and protest, although I do whine a lot to rather ineffectual people. I don't do enough community service because I am afraid to do it alone or I am held back by other commitments as I try to appease particular groups of people. I can't do everything. But I can improve. I will fail some people. I will make many mistakes. As much as I say I care about other people, this weekend I realized how self-centered I am. I try so hard to get people to fit within my comfort zone rather than me moving out of mine. I try so hard to make my life easy. I even realized the vicious cycle I live in.
1. The moment, a comparison, a judgment, discomfort, etc.
ex) Class Ranking, Criticism, Homecoming Group Changes
2. The anxiety and questions
ex) OMG my group changed! What do I do?
3. The depression and self-pity
ex) this sucks, well this must mean my whole life sucks, I might as well die
4. The declaration, whining, complaining, crying, lamenting
ex) (Me to a friend) "I am so depressed! Help me! I don't know what to do! I am such a horrible person!"
5. The temporary consolation
ex) (Friend to me) "It'll be alright, don't worry about it, you work too hard, people love you, we care about you."
6. The self-gratification, pride, and ego lift
ex) Well if my friend accepts and says all these nice things to me, my life is okay. In fact I am pretty happy and proud of myself.
And then 1 repeats when I realize that I am not so special and I get an F on my Stats test. And the whole cycle repeats. Someone tries to make me feel better, and it works for a while, long enough to make it seem like it was a good thing. But I need real help. I don't want pity. I want someone to slap me. I want someone to lower my ego, but save me from the inevitable suicidal thoughts. It won't be easy, but if someone is willing to help me, then I am determined to change.
I desperately want to break this cycle. I can't live life like this anymore. I have a lot to do and it is driving me crazy, but I am learning so much along the way. I really need to set my goals which I meant to do so long ago. I need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can't just have a one track mind. I need to also figure out how to live for the moment, cherish the journey, and be the person I want to be.
The real me is waiting to be known. I see it in myself every once in a while; those short moments of wit and the times when I actually make an impact on the community. I see it when I speak out my heart or when I write out my blog. But I feel so trapped at high school, trying to make my peers happy and attempting to fulfill the odd unspoken obligations of the teenager.
I saw a beautiful movie this weekend with a good friend, New York, I Love You. I missed the first two of the ten segments, but I found so much to take to heart. What made it the best was that we sat on the stairs since we were so late and there were no seats. But even though we paid for those super expensive seats I had just as much fun (probably more) because of the imperfection of the situation. I really had fun. I really stepped out of my comfort shell a bit. I revealed a bit of who I really am. For a few moments I wasn't the perpetual perfectionist. I wasn't the crazed timely nazi. I wasn't the insanely overemotional effeminate guy. For just a brief moment or two I was able to be free, to be who I think, want, and really am. I am still trying to figure it out, and who I want to be will also change, but I feel there is progress just because I have realized my predictable pattern and I can finally deal with the issue head on.
"Breathe In" - Frou Frou
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVXdvbhSaVo
I highly recommend this video. It really reminds us all to remember that every individual person has a deeper life story that we should try to understand. I know I need to work harder on understanding people.
I always say I care about other people more so than anything else. But I never do much to make a difference. I don't go out and protest, although I do whine a lot to rather ineffectual people. I don't do enough community service because I am afraid to do it alone or I am held back by other commitments as I try to appease particular groups of people. I can't do everything. But I can improve. I will fail some people. I will make many mistakes. As much as I say I care about other people, this weekend I realized how self-centered I am. I try so hard to get people to fit within my comfort zone rather than me moving out of mine. I try so hard to make my life easy. I even realized the vicious cycle I live in.
1. The moment, a comparison, a judgment, discomfort, etc.
ex) Class Ranking, Criticism, Homecoming Group Changes
2. The anxiety and questions
ex) OMG my group changed! What do I do?
3. The depression and self-pity
ex) this sucks, well this must mean my whole life sucks, I might as well die
4. The declaration, whining, complaining, crying, lamenting
ex) (Me to a friend) "I am so depressed! Help me! I don't know what to do! I am such a horrible person!"
5. The temporary consolation
ex) (Friend to me) "It'll be alright, don't worry about it, you work too hard, people love you, we care about you."
6. The self-gratification, pride, and ego lift
ex) Well if my friend accepts and says all these nice things to me, my life is okay. In fact I am pretty happy and proud of myself.
And then 1 repeats when I realize that I am not so special and I get an F on my Stats test. And the whole cycle repeats. Someone tries to make me feel better, and it works for a while, long enough to make it seem like it was a good thing. But I need real help. I don't want pity. I want someone to slap me. I want someone to lower my ego, but save me from the inevitable suicidal thoughts. It won't be easy, but if someone is willing to help me, then I am determined to change.
I desperately want to break this cycle. I can't live life like this anymore. I have a lot to do and it is driving me crazy, but I am learning so much along the way. I really need to set my goals which I meant to do so long ago. I need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can't just have a one track mind. I need to also figure out how to live for the moment, cherish the journey, and be the person I want to be.
The real me is waiting to be known. I see it in myself every once in a while; those short moments of wit and the times when I actually make an impact on the community. I see it when I speak out my heart or when I write out my blog. But I feel so trapped at high school, trying to make my peers happy and attempting to fulfill the odd unspoken obligations of the teenager.
I saw a beautiful movie this weekend with a good friend, New York, I Love You. I missed the first two of the ten segments, but I found so much to take to heart. What made it the best was that we sat on the stairs since we were so late and there were no seats. But even though we paid for those super expensive seats I had just as much fun (probably more) because of the imperfection of the situation. I really had fun. I really stepped out of my comfort shell a bit. I revealed a bit of who I really am. For a few moments I wasn't the perpetual perfectionist. I wasn't the crazed timely nazi. I wasn't the insanely overemotional effeminate guy. For just a brief moment or two I was able to be free, to be who I think, want, and really am. I am still trying to figure it out, and who I want to be will also change, but I feel there is progress just because I have realized my predictable pattern and I can finally deal with the issue head on.
"Breathe In" - Frou Frou
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVXdvbhSaVo
I highly recommend this video. It really reminds us all to remember that every individual person has a deeper life story that we should try to understand. I know I need to work harder on understanding people.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Anger, Regret, and Misunderstanding
Mass hysteria. Jealousy. Frustration. Disturbance. Shock. Misinterpretation. Passing judgment. Slander. Freaking out. Finger pointing. Stubbornness. Hatred. Self-Pity. Ignorance. Appeasement. I have committed so much sinfulness. I hate myself right now. I am still angry. I am still frustrated. But I have realized how much my ego has destroyed me. I thought I was getting somewhere with my life, but I now realize how horrible of a person I am. And I don't want pity, or someone to tell me, "It's alright, you aren't really like that." I hate myself right now because I am so closed-minded and unaccepting of other people's opinions. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I hate how I have assumed that I was somehow better than other people because I am not a jock or I am not popular or I have good grades. I hate how I have turned my stresses into anxieties for others. I hate how I have implicated others for my own flaws. I have been a horrible person and there is nothing you can say to make me feel good. In fact I want someone to just slap me or to shake me and knock some sense into my bitter and ugly soul.
I'm tired of garnering people's sympathy. And I'm tired of letting my life be controlled and swayed by the emotions of other people. I am tired of trying to be someone I am not to appease the masses. I am tired of living in chronic stress. I am tired of being a funsucker.
Today I blamed my friend for everything. I am still incredibly angry at him. And I don't know exactly why, but I am really angry at him. It's quite a conundrum because I have tried to pretend anger towards him in the past, but nothing was real. Now I feel intense frustration and I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I don't know what is wrong, but I want to figure it out.
I also went to a football game tonight. I went to go have fun, but all I did was complain, complain, and complain some more. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I am always so stressed out around people and I always worry like crazy?
I am sorry. I am sorry for being dreadful. I am sorry for being so incredulous. I am sorry for being a horrible friend. I am sorry for my vengefulness. I am sorry for my corrupted thinking. I am sorry for destroying joy. I am sorry.
I am near tears. I am in so much emotional distraught attempting to figure it all out. I've lived for so long in a state of caution, fearful to take a step outside myself. And now as I have become aware of my mistakes and faults, I am feeling miserable. I know I have to learn from it all, but I don't know how. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to look to.
And the worst part is that I don't think anyway understands me at all. I try so hard to explain myself but I always get responses that only cause me frustration. I wish people knew the real me. I wish I was more like I think I am on the inside. I may not be the greatest person in the world, but inside I am the chill guy that is comfortable with myself and life. Inside I am the guy who wants to just relax and enjoy life. Inside I have dreams, but I am calm and focused on accomplishing them. Inside I care about people passionately, but I don't make it about myself. Inside I am quiet and thoughtful.
But everyone knows me as the horrifying person that I always show. Part of it is fear to be the real me, and part of it is some inordinate pressure to suffice the expectations of my peers. But in any case, I am tired of being who I am not.
If anyone understands me, please help me. I am so much deeper on the inside, and I just want people to stop looking down on me because I am horrible at expressing what is on the inside. This blog is probably impossible to discern, but I am trying to get a point across. Please help me if you understand. I just need something. I don't know what i need. But I really am in need.
"If You Only Knew" - Shinedown
I'm tired of garnering people's sympathy. And I'm tired of letting my life be controlled and swayed by the emotions of other people. I am tired of trying to be someone I am not to appease the masses. I am tired of living in chronic stress. I am tired of being a funsucker.
Today I blamed my friend for everything. I am still incredibly angry at him. And I don't know exactly why, but I am really angry at him. It's quite a conundrum because I have tried to pretend anger towards him in the past, but nothing was real. Now I feel intense frustration and I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I don't know what is wrong, but I want to figure it out.
I also went to a football game tonight. I went to go have fun, but all I did was complain, complain, and complain some more. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I am always so stressed out around people and I always worry like crazy?
I am sorry. I am sorry for being dreadful. I am sorry for being so incredulous. I am sorry for being a horrible friend. I am sorry for my vengefulness. I am sorry for my corrupted thinking. I am sorry for destroying joy. I am sorry.
I am near tears. I am in so much emotional distraught attempting to figure it all out. I've lived for so long in a state of caution, fearful to take a step outside myself. And now as I have become aware of my mistakes and faults, I am feeling miserable. I know I have to learn from it all, but I don't know how. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to look to.
And the worst part is that I don't think anyway understands me at all. I try so hard to explain myself but I always get responses that only cause me frustration. I wish people knew the real me. I wish I was more like I think I am on the inside. I may not be the greatest person in the world, but inside I am the chill guy that is comfortable with myself and life. Inside I am the guy who wants to just relax and enjoy life. Inside I have dreams, but I am calm and focused on accomplishing them. Inside I care about people passionately, but I don't make it about myself. Inside I am quiet and thoughtful.
But everyone knows me as the horrifying person that I always show. Part of it is fear to be the real me, and part of it is some inordinate pressure to suffice the expectations of my peers. But in any case, I am tired of being who I am not.
If anyone understands me, please help me. I am so much deeper on the inside, and I just want people to stop looking down on me because I am horrible at expressing what is on the inside. This blog is probably impossible to discern, but I am trying to get a point across. Please help me if you understand. I just need something. I don't know what i need. But I really am in need.
"If You Only Knew" - Shinedown
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