Asparagus

Perseverence is a virtue. But you can't just survive, you must thrive.

We need emotion in life. We need an open-mind, and open heart, and a willingness to be different. We need to be fearless of change. We need to be fearless of discomfort. We need to have a positive outlook. With these simple standards, we can blossom.

"People are like asparagus." At a JSA election, one person ran unopposed and the nominator gave a speech resembling people to vegetables. But it's so true. We are like plants. If we have the basic necessities, food, sleep, exercise, etc., then we can grow. But through love we can bloom.

So stop inhibiting yourself through your prejudices, fears, and lies. Stop being someone you want everyone else to be. Stop satisfying the other people around you, and live for yourself. I'm not saying we need to ignore all our friends, but we need to stop doing things for fear of breaking some societal obligation. Anyways, we are not exactly like plants. We can control our destiny, not like plants clinging to life towards the sunlight. But we can only do so if we can unroot ourselves from the comfortable soils of preconceived notions, closed-mindedness, and comfort. We must exit our shells of safety.

Humans are not clams. Humans are not plants. Humans are not turtles. We have an amazing ability, a neo-frontal cortex, that makes us different from every other animal. And with this god-given gift, we should not waste it by tarnishing our minds with frivilous fears and petty judgments. Live outside the box, live outside that mindset. Wake up tomorrow and appreciate the gloomy darkness or the bright sunny sky. Go through your day excited for the adventure, disappointed at the C on the test or the argument with the friend, but end your frustrations within that moment. Gather your hope and look at the sky or laugh at a funny moment from the past. Draw a picture, jog a trail, do some yoga. Be different. Be hopeful. Take in the frustration and release it into the winds of the past. And take in the breezes flowing by, accepting the future for what it is, happy to be alive, hopeful for harmony.

It's a long tunnel I have entered, but I have more hope instilled within me than I've had in ages.

"Do You Feel" - The Rocket Summer

OMG November

It's November. I'm doomed. I'm entering the tunnel. I hope there are some holes for sunlight and breathing. But I'll be starving for fun and joy by the time I exit. I hope I survive. But I didn't prepare well for this adventure. So it will be an even more insurmountable challenge.

I love a good challenge, it brings me a smile. :)

"Fuzzy Blue Lights" - Owl City



Me being totally random.

A Real Friend

Am I a horrible friend for dumping my stresses on others? Am I a horrible friend for being so self-centered? Am I a horrible friend for allowing my tiredness and frustrations to ruin fun times? Yes, I am.

There are several steps I can take from here.
I can complain about this, and people will usually say, "No, you are a great friend, you care so much about other people; stop saying that."
Or I can sulk even more and ignore people.
I can focus on my schoolwork, college apps, and other goals.
Or I can accept my insecurities, flaws, and mistakes, and move forward.

I am always going to struggle with this. I tend to be sulky, self-centered, self-absorbed, and self-pitying. But I'm not the messiah. However I can always try to be more chipper throughout my day.

The key to all of my goals is: sleep, eat, and exercise, then the rest will come easily.

"じょいふる"　ー　いきものがかり　
"Joyful" - Ikimono Gakari



Some of the weirdest dances I have ever seen. 日本は　とても　すばらしいねえ。

Clear the Mind

Today was miserable. A dearth of hugs. Behind on homework. Unfocused. Teachers lecturing me on my stress level and a degradation of my work quality. Friends questioning my stress level. ASB stress. College stress. Homework stress. Peer stress. Internal stress. I don't have to ramble about all of the stress, but I wish I could talk to someone about it.

I feel incredibly lonely. My best friends seem so unreachable. One seems hostile. Another is awkward. One is totally busy and overwhelmed. And I can't seem to find time for any friend, even the ones with open arms. I am exhausted. I just need someone to reach out to me right now. I guess I need to open myself up, but I am dying inside. I feel like I am rotting away. I feel I have been sent through a meat grinder and a microwave sucking away all my enthusiasm, joy, and happiness.

I will start tomorrow with my plan:

1) Acknowledge the stress
2) Vocalize the stress, write the stress, anything within less than a minute
3) Breathe
4) Think
5) Decide what action to take
6) Breathe
7) Clear the mind and set out all the priorities
8) Delegate
9) Breathe
10) Commit to one thing at a time
11) Then handle more, but slowly
12) Breathe
13) Consider stress level, can I do all that I am committed to?
14) If yes go on to add more stuff, if no, then get what's needed done
15) Breathe
16) Look back and meditate
17) Move forward.

"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service



In the end, today was good. But I need to just be myself. I need to remove the gucky layers of stress that have covered the real me. And be inspired. And be happy. And find solace.

Competition

Today after class my friends had a debate with me. They believed that the Kumon method of tutoring, repeated memorization, competing against classmates, ultimate aim for perfection, was beneficial for learning in this society because kids need to be prepared for the competitive world. But my belief is that we instill values of competition in children that are unnecessary pressures.

Sure, competitiveness can be beneficial toward getting things done. But only if you want kids to feel immense stress. And it stifles free thinking and creativity. The focus on competition is being the best, leaving little room for friendship, love, and caring. Competition doesn't mean accomplishing dreams, rather it means defeating those around you. At high school we have class rank, and competition drives us. I feel it everywhere: "What college are you applying to? UW isn't good enough for me. What did you get on that test? I got a stupid B+, it's the end of the world! Can I have your assignment; I don't want to fail? What's wrong with cheating? I have a 4.0 so listen to me."

What do people stand for? What's the point of all this cutthroat competitiveness. It really just hurts. The focus on school makes some people downright cold, and I feel that I have lost them as friends. Others begin to have this arrogant attitude. While others still get caught up in it, but never seem to reach that aim of perfection. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone around us, but as Mr. Haff would say, "You are not special."

And it is so true. Nobody's special. Nobody really is better. But when we rank and compare ourselves constantly to one another we only lose out. Because we are lazy. Most people don't become inspired by competition, they just cheat, or plow others to win. And plus, perfection is impossible. Competition just provides a system for people, a way of making sure they are succeeding, for people who don't know what to do with their lives.

I'm glad to have a dream. I have a goal for my life, something to look forward to. I think most kids are missing that. I think most people believe that the only dream is college, or that next party, and to be the top of the class. I once was one of those kids, and I still am largely trapped in the cycle of competition, but I understand its evils so much better now.

When I won those geography bees and was declared the most likely to succeed in middle school I had huge self-esteem. It feels great to be on top. But I crushed everyone beneath me likewise. I built self-confidence and an ego. And the moment I found out that everyone was moving onward to greater things, I felt miserable.

If you live your life in constant competition, you may be happy every once in a while when you reach the top, but you can't stay there forever. One day you'll be kicked out (like eventually Robert Mugabe will be) and you won't be able to control it. We all just have to realize that there is more to life than the destination and the milestones; in fact we just need to realize the greater context. We all must abandon the closed-mindedness of competition if we want to actual discover our full potential.

Together we become better. Together we realize. Friendship trumps competition.

At least in my world

"2Nite" - The Cataracts

Unlike Me

"Unlike Me" - Kate Havnevik



There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel this way often. I feel like time is so unimportant, yet it manages to control my life. I feel so separated from my friends, as if nobody understands me. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I lead a pointless life. I feel a pressure to enjoy this life. I feel a roller coaster of emotions. But I alwasy feel that unlike me, everyone else seems to handle it. Everyone else seems to manage the stresses. And even the stressed out people know how to have fun.

I just need someone. I just need some friends. I just need to know that things will be okay.

Today was yucky. After all the euphoria of homecoming I am so tired and out of focus. I came to school with barely four hours of sleep and an incredible load of stress. I finished the bulk of the doldrums and went to lunch, excited to finally eat out with my friends - until I found out that they left early from third period (the class I tried to get into earlier this year). It shouldn't cause me such grief, but I ended up spending lunch in the melancholy library, unhappily drowning in the misery of study; I didn't even have much homework to make up.

But that's life, I guess. My friends try to console me. Maybe I demand too much. But I spend so much time alone now. I never feel included anymore. I tried so long to reach out to my friends, but now I need them to reach out to me. I feel like all the effort I put into my friendships has been unrequited. I just want a hug. Or a hello. And if possible for someone to reach out to me. But in my desperation I am now talking to the ASB teacher at lunch. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I feel like nobody cares. But I need my friends to survive. And I don't have time right now to find new ones. I don't have the energy to go out searching for them half my lunch in the cold only to find out they aren't at school at all.







Where can I go if I am surrounded by cold shoulders?

Is There an Answer?

Getting my life together isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's nearly ten now, and I haven't even started my homework that I've had one week to complete and is now due tomorrow. Why? Why can't I stop procrastinating? Why am I always behind? Why am I so easily distracted? Why can't I focus on the work? Is it a dangerous malady or is it just laziness? Is it a genetic trait or is it some learned method? I imagine how much more I could have done with my life if I had avoided so much distraction. I am disappointed in myself for succumbing to the Internet, music, phone calls, television, and chats. I can't believe how much time I have wasted just being pitiful. I think drinking would have been more effective than all the time I have wasted.

I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?

I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.

I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?

"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha