Looking back on the past few months since school began, I feel intense regret. I am horrified by my habit of irresponsibility, lassitude, and late night distraction. I feel like I have declined so much. I once had such great self-discipline. I guess I really did far too much this year. I feel ever more so that it would be best to attend a somewhat less challenging college and learn how to restore my self-discipline habits. Or I could really try to take care of myself and deal with my flaws in a productive manner. I don't really know what I need to or should do, but I know that I just hate who I have been recently. I haven't done what I love. I have ignored so many close friends. I have abandoned so much in my life for requests, duties, and tasks that I care little for.
I am so exhausted all the time. I lament so often. I feel like I can never get better sometimes. I feel trapped in this misery. I need to do so much and crunch time is here, but I can't stop playing tetris. I can't get myself to sleep before 1. I can't get any homework done at productive times. I can't be the person who I once was, and I am definitely not the person I want to be. I don't know where the balance is, but I feel like I will never reach it at this rate. I hope I can change, but hope cannot do much.
After watching Invictus tonight, and reinvigorating myself with the messages of Obama yesterday I felt a dose of inspiration. But now that it's late and I still have college apps and a huge analysis to complete I feel like inspiration doesn't help me. I feel like I can never change. I feel like I am always going to only put my 10% effort forth and spend 99% of my energy wasting away and worrying. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I just want the college apps to be over with. I just want the huge amount of schoolwork to sputter away.
I feel like the inspiration of great leaders only lasts for those short periods of times like the day after an election or at the Rugby world cup. But once the long haul approaches, hope dies. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I am drained of all inspiration and I am only 17. I feel the reality of life crashing upon me. The onus of my future is like the force of gravity on Jupiter. The mistakes of the present are piercing my soul and mind. And I am so concerned by the pain of these forces that the present is barely holding me together. The few times when I feel free from these pressure of the past and future it just seems like they are springs ready to whack me again like a mouse trap the next time I step into the slippery slope of worry. Never can I step outside of this.
How does everyone else do it? How do they enjoy life in the moment? How do they accept the past? How do they feel motivated without panicking for the future? I feel incredibly off-balance. If only there was a simple solution.
"Everything" - Lifehouse
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A Positive Attitude Actually Works
Today I smiled. I was positive. And it worked. I worked quickly. Boss like me. No martial arts. Saturday Night Live.
Then I worried. About the homework. And the deadlines. Now it's late. And I'm tired. Tomorrow might suck.
But no worries. Positivity will conquer.
"Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin
Then I worried. About the homework. And the deadlines. Now it's late. And I'm tired. Tomorrow might suck.
But no worries. Positivity will conquer.
"Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Finished
I finally reached the destination. The auction reached its end today, and we were rather successful. While me earned less money than last year our profit nearly doubled thanks to the incredibly cheap cost of our location. No, it wasn't perfect, but after all the work and stress I put into this project I am finally finished.
However I am not as ecstatic as I should be. Yes, I am overwhelmingly happy, but today I realize how important it is to find happiness during the journey, not just at the end of it. I love the reward of fulfillment at the end, but that is such a risk to believe in some ultimate euphoria upon finishing the journey. If I have to go through so much pain to garner reward, I am clearly not leading my life rightly. I am gradually changing, and I am committed toward shifting my negative outlook. I struggle with my cynical family and the inbred hatred I have for positivity, but I need to stop worrying about the cause and face the facts. I can't change how I was raised or my way of thinking entirely, but I can gradually reduce my extreme moodiness and irrationality. I can learn to manage my time better and handle the stress in a more productive manner. I can't be perfect, but I can do well.
We always will search for that resolution that sums up all these life lessons, but I am satisfied with the fact that we can't. If I can accept my imperfections and work with them instead of against them I can be who I want to be.
"The Resolution" - Jack's Mannequin
However I am not as ecstatic as I should be. Yes, I am overwhelmingly happy, but today I realize how important it is to find happiness during the journey, not just at the end of it. I love the reward of fulfillment at the end, but that is such a risk to believe in some ultimate euphoria upon finishing the journey. If I have to go through so much pain to garner reward, I am clearly not leading my life rightly. I am gradually changing, and I am committed toward shifting my negative outlook. I struggle with my cynical family and the inbred hatred I have for positivity, but I need to stop worrying about the cause and face the facts. I can't change how I was raised or my way of thinking entirely, but I can gradually reduce my extreme moodiness and irrationality. I can learn to manage my time better and handle the stress in a more productive manner. I can't be perfect, but I can do well.
We always will search for that resolution that sums up all these life lessons, but I am satisfied with the fact that we can't. If I can accept my imperfections and work with them instead of against them I can be who I want to be.
"The Resolution" - Jack's Mannequin
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Shut Up and Let Me Go
"Shut Up and Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings
My interpretation: it's time for me to shut up, stop worrying so much, and go forth.
My interpretation: it's time for me to shut up, stop worrying so much, and go forth.
Self-Esteem
"Beautiful" Cover (Christina Aguilera)
Okay, so this is not the best singing in the world and this girl is not exactly a super model, but this video inspires me more than the excellent music of the actual Christina Aguilera. This girl doesn't care what people think, I mean most people who've viewed her are haters, and post horrible comments, but she keep uploading videos.
Most people don't have the courage to do such a thing. She has self-esteem somehow if she can have this courage. I feel like our society underestimates the importance helping improve self-esteem. I know that it makes my life much more challenging then necessary and I see so many people doing so many negative things as outlets for their low self-esteem. Why do you think someone would randomly murder 4 police officers in Lakewood? Or why people do drugs? Or give themselves plastic surgery or buy big cars? They are all trying to find outlets or solutions for their low self-esteem. Drugs take us away from the problems we face. Anger and violence release it. Materialism distracts us from the problems. Like in the movie Precious we must face reality and instead of treating it like misery, find hope.
I've questioned my idealism recently. I feel so hopeless and lowly sometimes. But I guess I am thinking too much. We have to go throughout life a little lost and accept it. We sometimes have to ignore all the reality, but if we don't even realize the reality, we can become ignorant and we will fall that much harder.
So find a way to release the frustration. Find a way to be positive. And focus. And realize that the world is not perfect, you are not perfect, and dream.
Believe in yourself just that one inch.
If you doubt it look back on your life.
What can you say about it that is good?
I think of my passion. I think of my friendly attitude. I think of my scholarship.
But recently I haven't been this way.
And ask yourself why you aren't what you want to be or think you are.
For me, it's because I haven't taken care of myself. I haven't allowed myself to focus and I have lost touch of reality. I have become a demon I never wanted to be. And I am changing, but it is a crazy process.
Take a deep breathe. And dive. hmm, I think I want to go swimming now.
Okay, so this is not the best singing in the world and this girl is not exactly a super model, but this video inspires me more than the excellent music of the actual Christina Aguilera. This girl doesn't care what people think, I mean most people who've viewed her are haters, and post horrible comments, but she keep uploading videos.
Most people don't have the courage to do such a thing. She has self-esteem somehow if she can have this courage. I feel like our society underestimates the importance helping improve self-esteem. I know that it makes my life much more challenging then necessary and I see so many people doing so many negative things as outlets for their low self-esteem. Why do you think someone would randomly murder 4 police officers in Lakewood? Or why people do drugs? Or give themselves plastic surgery or buy big cars? They are all trying to find outlets or solutions for their low self-esteem. Drugs take us away from the problems we face. Anger and violence release it. Materialism distracts us from the problems. Like in the movie Precious we must face reality and instead of treating it like misery, find hope.
I've questioned my idealism recently. I feel so hopeless and lowly sometimes. But I guess I am thinking too much. We have to go throughout life a little lost and accept it. We sometimes have to ignore all the reality, but if we don't even realize the reality, we can become ignorant and we will fall that much harder.
So find a way to release the frustration. Find a way to be positive. And focus. And realize that the world is not perfect, you are not perfect, and dream.
Believe in yourself just that one inch.
If you doubt it look back on your life.
What can you say about it that is good?
I think of my passion. I think of my friendly attitude. I think of my scholarship.
But recently I haven't been this way.
And ask yourself why you aren't what you want to be or think you are.
For me, it's because I haven't taken care of myself. I haven't allowed myself to focus and I have lost touch of reality. I have become a demon I never wanted to be. And I am changing, but it is a crazy process.
Take a deep breathe. And dive. hmm, I think I want to go swimming now.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Am I still the passionate otterman?
I've thought of a lot today. I realize how much I need to motivate myself. I realize how much self-discipline I need in life. I realize how hindering my stress is to my life and the people around me. I finally see the danger of my worry, anxiety, and burgeoning fear on my life goals, happiness, and family and friends. I am slightly ashamed, but very much relieved that I can finally see all this.
I challenged myself in the past year and a half to take on more than I could handle. But in the long-run I have just slacked away instead of maintaining the quality of my passion towards my goals and challenges. I have slept less, eaten horribly, forgotten to exercise. I have ignored people's emotions, overwhelmed myself in my own emotions, and encrusted myself in apathy. I have ignored myself, the people around me, and my life. I have been caught up in the past and in the future, but I haven't even enjoyed or focused on the present. It's both about joy and focus. I have just worried and feared everything around me: the expectations of myself, family, and friends. I have been afraid to face the realities. I have been afraid to face my demons. But I am finally realizing all of this.
In this week so much has changed in my life. I cried in the middle of class. I realized how unemotional and dispassionate my leadership has been. I realize how much I have worried about the auction, but how little I have actually tried to do something. I watched Precious and realized how I have to accept all these challenges in life and live with them. I turned in a college application and realized how I need to enjoy my applications and show the colleges what I truly believe in. My torah tutor died of cancer and I realized how much I have shoved Judaism aside for schoolwork and my ambitions. I realize how little I have done for what I really care about and how much I have done that only adds to my stress level. I thought about how often I say yes to things I cannot do, and I can barely accomplish what needs to be done. I realized how much needs to change in this world that can only happen if I get off my lazy butt and start walking the talk.
Recently I have forgotten who I am. I was so overwhelmed in my goals and the regrets of my past that I forgot to see what made me proud. I realized how damaged my self-esteem has been. I have friends who are so conceited and arrogant, but at least they are happy in their worlds. I don't have to be like them and brag all the time about my accomplishments, but I can still have their level of self-esteem if I espouse the values I believe in.
I am passionate. I have always believed this. It's always my answer when I am asked for one word that describes me. However I recently have only been passionate in my thoughts, not in my actions. I have cared a lot about these blog posts, about my peer judgment, my looks, my worries, but not turning that passion toward anything effective. I'm tired of thinking about who I am. I need to start being who I am.
I am passionate. I am open-minded. I am excited. I am thoughtful. I am spontaneous. I am understanding. I am friendly. It's time to be who I say I am.
And the key I have discovered is to stop thinking so much, and to start doing. Living. Being. Accepting my past struggles and greatness, and moving toward the future without freaking out over it. It won't happen tonight or tomorrow or ever, but I can always make an effort to find the balance.
This is my motivation for my passion for the environment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New York's Senate voted against the equal marriage bill, and I am angry. I think I will start to do something here to bring marriage. I am tired of waiting for the ignorant to awaken and the stubborn elderly to die. It shouldn't come to that to have gay marriage legalized. Listen to this speech and you will only feel stronger in your support of same-sex marriage or open your mind if you oppose it.
New York State Senator Diane Savino
I challenged myself in the past year and a half to take on more than I could handle. But in the long-run I have just slacked away instead of maintaining the quality of my passion towards my goals and challenges. I have slept less, eaten horribly, forgotten to exercise. I have ignored people's emotions, overwhelmed myself in my own emotions, and encrusted myself in apathy. I have ignored myself, the people around me, and my life. I have been caught up in the past and in the future, but I haven't even enjoyed or focused on the present. It's both about joy and focus. I have just worried and feared everything around me: the expectations of myself, family, and friends. I have been afraid to face the realities. I have been afraid to face my demons. But I am finally realizing all of this.
In this week so much has changed in my life. I cried in the middle of class. I realized how unemotional and dispassionate my leadership has been. I realize how much I have worried about the auction, but how little I have actually tried to do something. I watched Precious and realized how I have to accept all these challenges in life and live with them. I turned in a college application and realized how I need to enjoy my applications and show the colleges what I truly believe in. My torah tutor died of cancer and I realized how much I have shoved Judaism aside for schoolwork and my ambitions. I realize how little I have done for what I really care about and how much I have done that only adds to my stress level. I thought about how often I say yes to things I cannot do, and I can barely accomplish what needs to be done. I realized how much needs to change in this world that can only happen if I get off my lazy butt and start walking the talk.
Recently I have forgotten who I am. I was so overwhelmed in my goals and the regrets of my past that I forgot to see what made me proud. I realized how damaged my self-esteem has been. I have friends who are so conceited and arrogant, but at least they are happy in their worlds. I don't have to be like them and brag all the time about my accomplishments, but I can still have their level of self-esteem if I espouse the values I believe in.
I am passionate. I have always believed this. It's always my answer when I am asked for one word that describes me. However I recently have only been passionate in my thoughts, not in my actions. I have cared a lot about these blog posts, about my peer judgment, my looks, my worries, but not turning that passion toward anything effective. I'm tired of thinking about who I am. I need to start being who I am.
I am passionate. I am open-minded. I am excited. I am thoughtful. I am spontaneous. I am understanding. I am friendly. It's time to be who I say I am.
And the key I have discovered is to stop thinking so much, and to start doing. Living. Being. Accepting my past struggles and greatness, and moving toward the future without freaking out over it. It won't happen tonight or tomorrow or ever, but I can always make an effort to find the balance.
This is my motivation for my passion for the environment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New York's Senate voted against the equal marriage bill, and I am angry. I think I will start to do something here to bring marriage. I am tired of waiting for the ignorant to awaken and the stubborn elderly to die. It shouldn't come to that to have gay marriage legalized. Listen to this speech and you will only feel stronger in your support of same-sex marriage or open your mind if you oppose it.
New York State Senator Diane Savino
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tears
Ever have those days?
Exhausted. Late. Windshield. Iced. Frigid. Red. AIDS. Carpool. Traffic. Park. Out. Run. Bell. Listen. Planner. Checklist. Meet. Discuss. Auction. Auction. Auction. Propose. Auction. Argue. Auction. Argue. Auction. Leave. Ashamed. Run. Bell. Barely. Japanese. Planner. Checklist. Stressed. Teacher. Cranky. Forehead. Hurts. Downstairs. Run. Physics. Talk. Auction. Adviser. Meet. Wait. Talk. Auction. Stress. Noticed. Stress. Depressed. Ouch. Pressure. Sniffle. Cry. Cry. Cry. Tears. Flow. Wet. Hate. Misery. Disgust. Embarrassed. Avoid. Close. Scared. Upset. Angry. Unhappy. Stress. Release. Breathe. Bathroom. Return. Physics. Cruise. Chat. Sniffle. Friend. Gone. Friend. Stressed. Friend. Ignores. Eat. Slowly. Miserable. Cold. Chilly. Ungodly. Government. Talk. Often. Forget. Sniffle. Breathe. Calm. Think. Write. Plan. Outside. Cold. Sunshine. Warmer. Pretend. Talk. College. Stress. Kumon. Life. Work. Statistics. Sit. Planner. Cruise. Ask. Confused. Bored. Annoyed. Chat. Crush. Focus. Smirk. Problems. Answer. Help. Stuck. Weird. Done. Escape. Chat. Release. Breathe. Smile. Frown. Somewhere. Cold. English. Blah. Listen. Fade. Planner. Checklist. Auction. Frankenstein. Discuss. Wait. Outcast. Inclusion. Shelley. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Stress. Noticed. Concerned. Ignore. Apologize. Away. Bell. Gone. Nevermind. Dissatisfied. Miserable. Downcast. Slouch. Honor. Society. Sit. Called. Run. EMP. Yay. Smile. Fist. Run. Cold. Return. Mastermind. Talk. Talk. Talk. Listen. Talk. Sleepy. College. No. No. Stress. More. Money. Wealth. Inclusion. Claremont. Berkeley. Curtis. Ignore. Stressed. Relax. Chat. Chat. Release. Complain. Whine. Advice. Help. Unhelpful. Maybe. Breathe. Shout. Release. Car. Music. Home.
"Hang On" - Plumb
Exhausted. Late. Windshield. Iced. Frigid. Red. AIDS. Carpool. Traffic. Park. Out. Run. Bell. Listen. Planner. Checklist. Meet. Discuss. Auction. Auction. Auction. Propose. Auction. Argue. Auction. Argue. Auction. Leave. Ashamed. Run. Bell. Barely. Japanese. Planner. Checklist. Stressed. Teacher. Cranky. Forehead. Hurts. Downstairs. Run. Physics. Talk. Auction. Adviser. Meet. Wait. Talk. Auction. Stress. Noticed. Stress. Depressed. Ouch. Pressure. Sniffle. Cry. Cry. Cry. Tears. Flow. Wet. Hate. Misery. Disgust. Embarrassed. Avoid. Close. Scared. Upset. Angry. Unhappy. Stress. Release. Breathe. Bathroom. Return. Physics. Cruise. Chat. Sniffle. Friend. Gone. Friend. Stressed. Friend. Ignores. Eat. Slowly. Miserable. Cold. Chilly. Ungodly. Government. Talk. Often. Forget. Sniffle. Breathe. Calm. Think. Write. Plan. Outside. Cold. Sunshine. Warmer. Pretend. Talk. College. Stress. Kumon. Life. Work. Statistics. Sit. Planner. Cruise. Ask. Confused. Bored. Annoyed. Chat. Crush. Focus. Smirk. Problems. Answer. Help. Stuck. Weird. Done. Escape. Chat. Release. Breathe. Smile. Frown. Somewhere. Cold. English. Blah. Listen. Fade. Planner. Checklist. Auction. Frankenstein. Discuss. Wait. Outcast. Inclusion. Shelley. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Stress. Noticed. Concerned. Ignore. Apologize. Away. Bell. Gone. Nevermind. Dissatisfied. Miserable. Downcast. Slouch. Honor. Society. Sit. Called. Run. EMP. Yay. Smile. Fist. Run. Cold. Return. Mastermind. Talk. Talk. Talk. Listen. Talk. Sleepy. College. No. No. Stress. More. Money. Wealth. Inclusion. Claremont. Berkeley. Curtis. Ignore. Stressed. Relax. Chat. Chat. Release. Complain. Whine. Advice. Help. Unhelpful. Maybe. Breathe. Shout. Release. Car. Music. Home.
"Hang On" - Plumb
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