Maybe

Why can't life just be simpler? Why can't I just figure it out? Why is everyone at it? Why can't I figure out love? What am I? Who am I? Will I ever achieve anything? I am so tired of life being abysmal. I am so frustrated. I am always whining. I am never getting anything accomplished. I am always posting these annoying blogs and I am never getting anywhere in my life. What kind of progress is this. My life sucks. But now I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for whining. I feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. I feel horrible for feeling horrible. I live in this constant cycle of vicious bitterness and anger. I hate this life. I hate how I hate myself. I hate how I lack self-esteem. I want to lead a purpose, but what purpose can I lead? Why am I so afraid to fight for what I believe in? Where is my courage? Why wasn't I raised with any confidence? Why do I always blame my parents? Why do I keep crying? Why can't I talk normally with guys? Why am I ever-so-awkward? Why can't i keep a clean room and why are my gums in pain? I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Other times I put a smile on. I wonder if the colleges will accept me. I wonder what more I need to know. I wonder what people think about me. I wonder about the chaos in the world and how my life measures up to those of others. I wish I was perfect. And I wish I was happy. I wish I was better. I wish I could be satisfied with my imperfections. I wish I could be the person everyone likes. I wish someone would want more out of me than just friendship. I wish I wasn't so emotional. I wish I could leave. I wish I could be more satisfied with my life in the present. I wish I could stop wishing. I wish I could be kind. I wish I could be a better friend. I wish I could stop judging. I wish I could find peace. I wish the world would stop being so ignorant. I wish I could stop being a hypocrite. I wish I could find some common ending point. I wish I could just be okay. I wish I could be holy. I wish I had better faith. I wish I could be a true non-conformist. I wish I was brave. I wish I could be moral. I wish I could be truthful. I wish I could find something to be proud about. I wish I could make more of a difference in the world. I wish I was a better son and brother. I wish I could fulfill my expectations. I wish I could handle the emotions. I wish I could breathe. I wish I was better looking. I wish I had a better fitness. I wish to live for many more decades. I wish my friends could be happy. I wish I could be less selfish. I wish someone would tell me how to fix my life. I wish I could find a curable diagnosis for my life. I wish I could change around my life. I wish I could accept all this and be okay. I wish I could be open. I wish I could be open-minded. I wish I could think sometimes. I wish I could find happiness in all those small moments. I wish I could watch all the movies I never give myself a chance to see. I wish I could understand how everyone around me works. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wish to go to college. I wish I knew which college would be worthwhile. I wish I knew my future. I wish I could be more prepared. I wish I could stop procrastination, today, tomorrow, and forever. I wish I could be on vacation forever. I wish I could be happy eternally. I wish I could be happy and sad without being so unstable. I wish I had less stress. I wish I could do more. I wish I could stop dreaming so much. I wish I could dream more. I wish I could be perfect. I wish I could write that novel. I wish I had taken advantage of more opportunities in the past. I wish I had more self-discipline. I wish I was a better martial artist. I wish I had more creativity. I wish I could find some love. I wish I could be a better and more trustworthy driver. I wish I could take risks. I wish I was smarter. I wish I sang. I wish I understood what everyone tries to convey. I wish I could communicate better. I wish I could have more money. I wish I could have more time. I wish I didn't have to do all the stupid things I do. I wish I could stop crying over the spilled milk. I wish it were simpler. I wish I could see through all the pain. I wish I could feel real pain. I wish I could stop playing tetris. I wish I could get reality. I wish I had straight As. I wish I could be less perfect. I wish I could be more timely. I wish I could meet everyone's expectations. I wish I could be less social. I wish I could be more fun. I wish I was a more interesting person to hang out with. I wish I was more Bohemian. I wish I was able. I wish I could do my job well. I wish I read more often. I wish I did more community service. I wish I challenged myself more. I wish I was better and managing my time. I wish I was more appreciated. I wish I was more modest. I wish I knew how to put myself out there and stand out. I wish I could be more like those people I admire and look up to. I wish people would want to hang out with me. I wish I could stop seeing my therapist. I wish my sessions were more productive. I wish I could lead more effectively. I wish people would stop judging me. I wish I would stop thinking about what people think. I wish I didn't take everything so personally. I wish I could have more time to relax on the grass or beneath the stars or on the beach. I wish I could study harder. I wish I could sleep less without feeling so exhausted. I wish I could go to sleep earlier. I wish I could find a better job. I wish I could change someone's life. I wish I could be understood. I wish someone liked me for who I am.

Maybe I'll change. Maybe I'll figure out my life. Maybe in the future. Maybe I'll be who I want to be. Maybe I won't. Life is the most tumultuous idea. But it's a marvelous adventure.

"Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson

The Simple Things

Sleep. Eat. Drink. Friends. All you need to stay alive.

RAK

Random acts of kindness. Do it.

"Speechless" - Lady Gaga

Halfway

Life is only partly fully. We can only partly be. We can only partly exist. What I'm saying is we aren't messiahs. Nobody is assured entrance into the college of their dreams, no matter how special they are. No one is going to know how to lead their lives. No musician is always going to hit number 1. That's life.

If we worry so much about being one thing or holding someone reputation, we get caught up in the idea and dream instead of taking reality and finding joy in the moment. We can't wait for life to come at us, we have to go forth and live. Not everything will be in our grasps and we cannot become greedy, but when we live with a conscience and live with a purpose we can live with meaning. But always realize that we are always only halfway. We can never reach the true end and we have past the beginning by far. We are born with flaws and we will die unaccomplished. But we are also born with talent and we will die with pride. But in between there are no absolutes.

Touch the air. Smell the brilliance. Taste the mountains. Look at your soul. Hear your heart.

"Halfway Gone" - Lifehouse

Not Anymore

I'm not the person who I once was. Or the person I think I am. I am so lazy now. I am so hopeless. I am so stressed. I am so unfocused. I don't know what to do. I just want something to go right in my life. I just want to be happy and less worried. I don't want to live like this forever. I just want to change. I am tired of wanting to be different and never changing. I am tired of my family bearing their pressure upon me. I am tired of being late to school because my carpooler can't get out on time. I'm tired of handling on this stress poorly. I remember being a friendlier person. But my past seems so distant.

What happened to me?

Blame

I try to find a blame for my problems usually. I seek a medical cure. Or a psychological one. Or I blame my parents. Or I blame my friends. Or I blame my lack of sleep. Or poor eating habits. Or sickness. Or the auction. Or time. Or something else. I seem to always search for blame. It's so much easier to blame something for one's problems. But I have to face the facts.

"Mess of Me" - Switchfoot



"I am my own affliction. I am my own disease"
"There ain't no drug to make me well"

It's sooooo true. I am my own disease. I cause my problems. I can't blame myself, but I can't hide myself in all the blame. I can't keep finding excuses for my problems. I need to make a difference in my life. And I just need to stand up and do it. There is no easy panacea. My life is falling apart because I have been clinging to the cliff for too long. I mean if I do all these things and I can't even find time to apply to college, what kind of person does that make me? I wish I could just be on top of things. But I'm not. I am not perfect.

But it's time to reverse this tragedy. "I want to spend the rest of my life alive!"

That takes hard work, perseverance, and determination. I guess I just need to be done with this. I need to be done with the weakling that I am. I have strength. I have spirit. I have confidence. Especially after the 15 page paper I just completed.

One more week - then freedom. End 2009 with a shebang!

"We were the kings and queens of promise..."

"Kings and Queens" - 30 Seconds to Mars



I Love this song right now. But it haunts me with its message. I feel like I have collapsed and that I have failed myself in too many ways to count. I am so behind with everything. I had so much hope.

I started the year back from the inspirational trip to New York City. I was ready for rather easy classes this year. I was fresh into the auction season ready to be the best Senior class pres ever. I was ready to explore the world. I was ready to get my college apps completed by the end of November. I was ready to fulfill my dreams and make a difference. I was ready to get my black belt. And to get a job. I was thrilled for this year.

Boy, was I torn apart. The claws of Senior year came out and attacked. I have scraped by, but I feel like the promise and hope I once had have now disappeared. I feel no more motivation.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend who asked me why I do the things I do. I feel like such a monster because I don't know why. I don't really know why I am class president. Do I just want power? Do I just want attention? Do I just want recognition? Are my motivations sincere or am I a despicable person?

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't see the kid who won the geography bee. I don't see the kid who smiles all the time. I don't see the kid who was always excited and passionate. I don't see the kid who knows how to have a good time. I don't see the kid who put forth incredible effort. I don't see the kid who was organized. I don't see the kid who was comfortable in his own skin. I don't see the kid who had the promise of tomorrow. Rather I see nothing anymore. I don't see much reason to live with all that I am looking forward to. I feel like I am so trapped in my dark tunnels. Where is the light?

I have done so much. I just wish I could accomplish my dreams. But can I?

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Sometimes we are inspired. I just re-read the lyrics of this song.

I realized that the message sent is that even when we feel we are faltering after holding so much hope and promise for the future, we are just starting to learn our lessons. That's what the faltering is. The mistakes happen when we leave our bubbles of security. And when we face the world and take on the challenges we can feel overwhelmed, lose hope, but we are maturing.

Houston, a Texan and Southern city just elected a lesbian for a mayor. If that's possible so much is. I won't be blind, but I will still hold hope!