Today was the most miserable day I've had in a long time. What I hate most about it was that I had nothing to really set me off. All it was was this feeling of hopelessness, fatigue, and misery. I didn't feel like I deserved these feelings which made me feel guilty and worse. I just kept going and I just kept feeling worse. I hate myself so much. I hate my miserable sulkiness. I hate how much I try to change and how I never do. I hate how much hope I have but how little action I take. I hate that I hate myself.
When I actually talked to people about this idea of depression, I faced so many different reactions. But all I could do is be scared. Frightened by the amount of life I have lost through this depression. Worried about my future. Scared by the reactions. Fearful of the consequences. I tried to explain how much I have tried to change to people. Only some people understood. I tried to get through how I really do try to be happy, but it just doesn't happen. I try to explain how I find everything so morbid so often.
I can't even make a conversation without giving advice or talking about school or whining.
I can't even do simple chores at home.
I can't wake up in happiness or end my day fulfilled.
I can't be happy for no reason.
I can't be proud for my accomplishments.
I am tired of feeling like dirt. I'm tired of giving myself excuses for this problem. I wish it wasn't really this bad. But it is. It has transformed me into this monster I never want to be.
I want to be free. I imagine myself as a better person. five inches taller. Cool, bright clothes. girlfriend. able to communicate. deeper voice. longer not black hair. not black eyes. knows what to say. knows what to do with his hands. knows when to be calm. sits at the party and is just cool for being cool. but most of all just satisfied with life as it is. energized. excited. but never miserable and negative all the time.
I dream of this better person and I know I can't change my eye or hair color, but I can change my personality a bit. Right now I don't even know what my personality is other than whiny and self-centered. I want to change that. I just wish I knew how.
"I Am Not a Robot" - Marina and the Diamonds
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
This Emotional Life
"Facing Our Fears"
http://video.pbs.org/video/1376604046/
Is there an answer? I watched this documentary and I have never empathized with a person like the girl who suffers depression in this one. I hate my life sometimes. As the girl says, she's "tired of living with this brain that does not work."
For years, I have had these same feelings. Hopelessness. Emptiness. I have been blessed with such a marvelous life, one of incredible comfort in Issaquah. My school's have been fantastic, the friends I have made have been even more extraordinary. I have been gifted with intelligence and you'd think that after my straight As and geography bees and awards that I would be happy. But it all started with that geography bee. Ever since seventh grade I have felt this miserable moodiness and frustration. A 95% grade wasn't good enough. I lashed out at friends who "held me back." I have yelled and bickered with my mom since then. I have been a horrible and annoying brother. I have taken advantage of my family in so many ways and I have never given back. I have created this persona of misery and I keep digging myself deeper every day.
I don't even know how to describe how I feel. I seek answers. I wonder if its my workload. I wonder if it was the way I was raised. Or maybe my sexuality. Or perhaps the weather. But nothing seems to solve it. And as the years have gone on it has only gotten worse. I wish I could give a better reason, but it all makes sense.
Depression actually shrinks the hippocampus and is actually a medical condition that we just can't see on the outside except through the misery that we exhibit. People tell me to just stop. People tell me to get over it. People tell me things will be better. People tell me to adjust my schedule and do less. People tell me to do so many things, but none of it seems to work.
It's not sadness I feel. It's more like the non-existence of happiness. I can't find happiness where it used to be. Facebook bores me. Dances have lost their magical fun. Parties are gloomy. School activities seem burdensome. I spend tons of time reading the same articles on wikipedia or playing tetris, not thinking, not living. I hate it, but I can't find joy in anything these days. I don't try as hard to keep myself healthy. I don't care about what people think, I just assume everyone is negative. This morning we were handed back evaluations in ASB. I was freaked out. I only noticed the negative comments and the B I received. But I think more rationally and I still cannot see the positives. I struggle to learn from the criticism. I left school today feeling pitiful. I wanted to complain about my life to someone. I wanted an outlet. But there is no outlet. I talk to people. I exercise sometimes. But usually I feel so hopeless that I don't even bother trying that hard.
I haven't always been like this, but I guess my entire high school life I have been. Thank god for maturity otherwise I would be in some mental asylum. I have grown just through the development of my pre-frontal cortex, but I have been struggling emotionally more and more. I just keep reading my past journal and blog entries and I cannot remember a time when I was really happy. Yes, I've been happy when I've accomplished things or when I've seen something spectacular. This gives me hope that I'm not that severely depressed. But its the feeling of those ordinary days. When I just want to sleep. When I just want to whine. When I just want everyone to shut up. When I stop trying to learn.
I have always loved learning. Until this year. This has been the most difficult year for me. The stress didn't help, but I have lost it emotionally. I have been detracted from my friends. I have been detracted from life. I haven't cared about my religion. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do. I don't even enjoy learning anymore, I just search for the quick shortcuts. I love government but I feel even dull in that class, and in every class. Sometimes my moods overcome me and I just make the people around me miserable. I see myself slipping away from the world and I wonder if I will end up just being forgotten one day.
I have lost so much of my life to this struggle. I have lost bonding time and relationship time. I worry that I will never be able to marry at this rate. Or even make new friends. Or keep the ones I have now. I worry that I won't be able to handle any future jobs or challenges because I have lost so much interest. I worry that I will never be happy again.
I wish someone understood me. I wish someone understood how hard I try to be better. I wish someone would understand that my moodiness is not directed at them, but that I am just falling apart on the inside and shrieking for help. I wish someone would accept this imperfection that controls my life and just help me come back to the surface so I can breathe.
Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and be happy? Do you know what it feels like to love? Do you know how it feels to be randomly happy for no reason? Do you know what it feels like to have passion for something? I once did, I think. But the memories are fading and overwhelmed by the misery I feel every day. I feel trapped and lost. I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through this. I feel lifeless. And I know that's can't be good.
"Under the Sheets" - Ellie Goulding
http://video.pbs.org/video/1376604046/
Is there an answer? I watched this documentary and I have never empathized with a person like the girl who suffers depression in this one. I hate my life sometimes. As the girl says, she's "tired of living with this brain that does not work."
For years, I have had these same feelings. Hopelessness. Emptiness. I have been blessed with such a marvelous life, one of incredible comfort in Issaquah. My school's have been fantastic, the friends I have made have been even more extraordinary. I have been gifted with intelligence and you'd think that after my straight As and geography bees and awards that I would be happy. But it all started with that geography bee. Ever since seventh grade I have felt this miserable moodiness and frustration. A 95% grade wasn't good enough. I lashed out at friends who "held me back." I have yelled and bickered with my mom since then. I have been a horrible and annoying brother. I have taken advantage of my family in so many ways and I have never given back. I have created this persona of misery and I keep digging myself deeper every day.
I don't even know how to describe how I feel. I seek answers. I wonder if its my workload. I wonder if it was the way I was raised. Or maybe my sexuality. Or perhaps the weather. But nothing seems to solve it. And as the years have gone on it has only gotten worse. I wish I could give a better reason, but it all makes sense.
Depression actually shrinks the hippocampus and is actually a medical condition that we just can't see on the outside except through the misery that we exhibit. People tell me to just stop. People tell me to get over it. People tell me things will be better. People tell me to adjust my schedule and do less. People tell me to do so many things, but none of it seems to work.
It's not sadness I feel. It's more like the non-existence of happiness. I can't find happiness where it used to be. Facebook bores me. Dances have lost their magical fun. Parties are gloomy. School activities seem burdensome. I spend tons of time reading the same articles on wikipedia or playing tetris, not thinking, not living. I hate it, but I can't find joy in anything these days. I don't try as hard to keep myself healthy. I don't care about what people think, I just assume everyone is negative. This morning we were handed back evaluations in ASB. I was freaked out. I only noticed the negative comments and the B I received. But I think more rationally and I still cannot see the positives. I struggle to learn from the criticism. I left school today feeling pitiful. I wanted to complain about my life to someone. I wanted an outlet. But there is no outlet. I talk to people. I exercise sometimes. But usually I feel so hopeless that I don't even bother trying that hard.
I haven't always been like this, but I guess my entire high school life I have been. Thank god for maturity otherwise I would be in some mental asylum. I have grown just through the development of my pre-frontal cortex, but I have been struggling emotionally more and more. I just keep reading my past journal and blog entries and I cannot remember a time when I was really happy. Yes, I've been happy when I've accomplished things or when I've seen something spectacular. This gives me hope that I'm not that severely depressed. But its the feeling of those ordinary days. When I just want to sleep. When I just want to whine. When I just want everyone to shut up. When I stop trying to learn.
I have always loved learning. Until this year. This has been the most difficult year for me. The stress didn't help, but I have lost it emotionally. I have been detracted from my friends. I have been detracted from life. I haven't cared about my religion. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do. I don't even enjoy learning anymore, I just search for the quick shortcuts. I love government but I feel even dull in that class, and in every class. Sometimes my moods overcome me and I just make the people around me miserable. I see myself slipping away from the world and I wonder if I will end up just being forgotten one day.
I have lost so much of my life to this struggle. I have lost bonding time and relationship time. I worry that I will never be able to marry at this rate. Or even make new friends. Or keep the ones I have now. I worry that I won't be able to handle any future jobs or challenges because I have lost so much interest. I worry that I will never be happy again.
I wish someone understood me. I wish someone understood how hard I try to be better. I wish someone would understand that my moodiness is not directed at them, but that I am just falling apart on the inside and shrieking for help. I wish someone would accept this imperfection that controls my life and just help me come back to the surface so I can breathe.
Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and be happy? Do you know what it feels like to love? Do you know how it feels to be randomly happy for no reason? Do you know what it feels like to have passion for something? I once did, I think. But the memories are fading and overwhelmed by the misery I feel every day. I feel trapped and lost. I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through this. I feel lifeless. And I know that's can't be good.
"Under the Sheets" - Ellie Goulding
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
-Build stronger friendships with at least one person each day
-Learn something new/challenge my mind every day
-EXERCISE four times a week at least
-Meditate 1 min. every morning
-Limit Internet use
-Think before speaking
-Read a book each month
-Be at my "dream" college
-Sleep well
-Eat well
-Give back to the community at least 2 times a month
-Find happiness even when the situations are rough
-Write out receipts and maintain a budget
-Reward myself once a month with a fabulous social activity
-Achieve my black belt by practicing one thing each week
-Breathe before reacting
The new year. It comes by and gives us a chance to start anew. But really life doesn't start fresh on January 1st. All that plagues us remains, but on the bright side, we have learned so much in our past year that we can now apply to this next year. Really it just gives us hope for a new beginning, inspiration for a refreshed outlook.
2010 is my year. I know it will be great. College acceptances. Scholarships. 18th birthday. Graduation. Parties. Summer. COLLEGE. Freedom. Life. And then it'll be 2011.
"Break the Sky" - The Hush Sound
The only way we can make the change is if we break that sky that we believe holds us back. If we can defeat the insurmountable fear by ourselves we can achieve anything. It seems crazy, but we can defeat fear in the smallest ways. I'll try to surprise myself.
-Learn something new/challenge my mind every day
-EXERCISE four times a week at least
-Meditate 1 min. every morning
-Limit Internet use
-Think before speaking
-Read a book each month
-Be at my "dream" college
-Sleep well
-Eat well
-Give back to the community at least 2 times a month
-Find happiness even when the situations are rough
-Write out receipts and maintain a budget
-Reward myself once a month with a fabulous social activity
-Achieve my black belt by practicing one thing each week
-Breathe before reacting
The new year. It comes by and gives us a chance to start anew. But really life doesn't start fresh on January 1st. All that plagues us remains, but on the bright side, we have learned so much in our past year that we can now apply to this next year. Really it just gives us hope for a new beginning, inspiration for a refreshed outlook.
2010 is my year. I know it will be great. College acceptances. Scholarships. 18th birthday. Graduation. Parties. Summer. COLLEGE. Freedom. Life. And then it'll be 2011.
"Break the Sky" - The Hush Sound
The only way we can make the change is if we break that sky that we believe holds us back. If we can defeat the insurmountable fear by ourselves we can achieve anything. It seems crazy, but we can defeat fear in the smallest ways. I'll try to surprise myself.
Return from SoCal Sunshine
California was spectacular. The new house my aunt and uncle own in Rancho Bernardo, north-east of San Diego has the most glorious views and I relaxed beneath the bright sunshine every day. Christmastime with three baby cousins was so warm and joyful. That feeling of family just bubbles inside my soul. Those cute little babies... oh my... I got to see the bad side of SoCal too, the sprawl of Riverside County, the poverty and ugliness of Los Angeles, and the superfluousity of the malls. I had so many revelations and so many magnificent learning experiences under the sun... and now I'm back here.
The beach inspired me. The pier at Santa Monica dazzled my spirits. The LA glamor entranced me (I have never seen such luxury as in Beverly Hills... malls with wine glasses, silverware, and pomegranate steak baos...) The family gatherings pressured me to be a better Asian. The Museum of Tolerance instilled me with a purpose (and pressured me to be a better Jew). The second cousin who goes to Berkeley encouraged me. The extravagance of Orange County and Encino sickened me. The rides at Magic Mountain invigorated me. So much, so much. I listened to my new music. Visited another college and now I'm doing another app. I read Push. I made new year's resolutions. I breathed in horrid smog. I saw fantastic vistas along the Pacific and the San Gabriels. I ate Mexico City style cuisine.
My vacation was marvelous. I was free for those ten days. Free from the fears of my future. Free from the pressures of Kumon, friends, martial arts, school, class council, and the endless list of my worries. California always inspires me to follow my dreams. One day I will be in California. It won't be easy, but I think this new year has many fresh ideas and possibilities for me. I have learned a lot through my meditations in California and I am ready to face the world.
2010, here I am. here's to next fall in California!
"Counterpoint" - Delphic
The beach inspired me. The pier at Santa Monica dazzled my spirits. The LA glamor entranced me (I have never seen such luxury as in Beverly Hills... malls with wine glasses, silverware, and pomegranate steak baos...) The family gatherings pressured me to be a better Asian. The Museum of Tolerance instilled me with a purpose (and pressured me to be a better Jew). The second cousin who goes to Berkeley encouraged me. The extravagance of Orange County and Encino sickened me. The rides at Magic Mountain invigorated me. So much, so much. I listened to my new music. Visited another college and now I'm doing another app. I read Push. I made new year's resolutions. I breathed in horrid smog. I saw fantastic vistas along the Pacific and the San Gabriels. I ate Mexico City style cuisine.
My vacation was marvelous. I was free for those ten days. Free from the fears of my future. Free from the pressures of Kumon, friends, martial arts, school, class council, and the endless list of my worries. California always inspires me to follow my dreams. One day I will be in California. It won't be easy, but I think this new year has many fresh ideas and possibilities for me. I have learned a lot through my meditations in California and I am ready to face the world.
2010, here I am. here's to next fall in California!
"Counterpoint" - Delphic
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
California
California. Oh my. I cannot wait to be there. In about 12 hours in fact. I am so excited for my journey and vacation. Only one college visit and only two more apps left. Only one assignment left really and I have an entire day to do it when I return. I am so excited.
California is majestic. And my family is so loving. It will fantastic. And if it's not amazing, I'll be fine with that because I won't have to worry about the pressures of life back home.
4 apps done. California in 12 hours. Finally I can rest!!
Peace.
"California" - Phantom Planet
California is majestic. And my family is so loving. It will fantastic. And if it's not amazing, I'll be fine with that because I won't have to worry about the pressures of life back home.
4 apps done. California in 12 hours. Finally I can rest!!
Peace.
"California" - Phantom Planet
Kill the Apps
College apps are becoming poisonous to my health. I've been doing them since July or August for goodness sakes. They need to end. It will happen within 24 hours. Actually less. I have to. I cannot continue suffering under this insurmountable pressure. They need to leave my head. I need to be free from the thoughts of myself. I am starting to lose sight of who I really am after writing so much about myself. I want it to be over now. But I still have so much work to do. Ay yay yay!
Oh well, 24 hrs, and I have to stop. Otherwise no California for me. Only 36 hrs until Cali!
"Outta My Head" - Ashlee Simpson
Oh well, 24 hrs, and I have to stop. Otherwise no California for me. Only 36 hrs until Cali!
"Outta My Head" - Ashlee Simpson
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Southcenter
I love my friends. I love my life. I wish I wasn't so stressed out or emotional. But what can I do? I am moving forward if ever so slowly. Today I didn't get much I wanted done, but I was happy! So tomorrow is a work day. And I have new jeans.
My excitement is bubbling. I'll just have a good night's rest after my Southcenter excursion, and I will be ready to edit and write and edit and write like crazy tomorrow. And then Wednesday submit. And then Thursday California!!!
One gov. assignment, five essays to write, and seven more to edit, plus four apps to submit by Wednesday. It seems so unreal but after all that I'll be really free. So I better get on it! And the funny thing is that I've already made a move forward and I haven't entirely procrastinated.
"Light" - The Rocket Summer
My excitement is bubbling. I'll just have a good night's rest after my Southcenter excursion, and I will be ready to edit and write and edit and write like crazy tomorrow. And then Wednesday submit. And then Thursday California!!!
One gov. assignment, five essays to write, and seven more to edit, plus four apps to submit by Wednesday. It seems so unreal but after all that I'll be really free. So I better get on it! And the funny thing is that I've already made a move forward and I haven't entirely procrastinated.
"Light" - The Rocket Summer
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