I feel hopeless and weak. I cannot maintain a schedule. I cannot manage my time. I am faltering as a leader. I am barely maintaining any friendships. Tonight I had a reasonable homework load and extra time to do it. I was determined to sleep before 11:30 so I could be well-rested before my hectic day tomorrow and a test that I barely understand. But now those hopes are dashed. All I worked hard for yesterday night until 2 in the morning has only led to another 2 o'clock in the morning. I have been working so hard since I returned from break.
I just hate myself so much. I wish I could manage my time better. I wish I could stop hating myself so much. I wish I could stop judging myself and be happy with who I am. I wish I could have some confidence.
I hate this cycle every day. The misery is painful. I just hate the hatefulness and the depression. I feel like I am constantly trapped beneath piles of bricks, and I hate myself even more when I realize that there are people really trapped underneath the rubble in Haiti. How can I be so unhappy when my life is perfectly fine? I have a job, but I complain and hate it. I have suitable grades and I think I am fairly intelligent, but I barely scrape by in school and I feel dumb all the time. I have so much in my life, but I feel like I have nothing. I know I have friends, but I feel like I am constantly not doing enough for them.
I hate this so much. I hate living in this repeated feeling. I try so hard to be better, but then the stress catches me and swallows me. I feel like I can never escape the grasp of the stress and the emotions. I wish they would just shut off. I wish I could just focus. I wish I could work faster. I wish I could be more assertive. I wish I could make better decisions.
I am so exhausted all the time. I am tired of wishing for a better day. I don't even know what is better. I just feel like my life is not good. I either need to accept life as it is, or keep pushing harder. Or maybe there is some other way to do things, but I am blinded by the overwhelmingness of life.
I want to abandon this life. I want to leave it behind. How do I change? Will I ever be satisfied? I hate this life. I want it to be better. I just cannot think of how to improve.
I feel like a robot. I feel like all I do is barely function every day. I once had passion. It was the only thing that I liked about myself. Now I don't even have that stripe of dignity. I feel like the lost schooner in the ocean. I don't know what to do, and I think I need help, but I need to find my own way, because I cannot depend on everyone all the time. I hate this so much. I want it to stop. I want to stop living the way I know I don't want to live. But I don't know how I want to live.
My frustration with myself is so strong. I hate myself so much. I want this to be over. I want it all the be calm. I am tired of living up to all these expectations I set up for myself. I want to change, but I feel like my entire life is doomed because of the choices I have made. Why can't I have hope? Why am I so privileged and spoiled, yet so whiny and discontent?
I thought that Haiti would almost save me in a way. It took me out of my misery this morning because I felt like I was fighting for something meaningful. But then my courage and passion dwindled. I need to stop living with my screws falling apart and my body collapsing within. I need to heal my soul. But why me? Why can't I handle it? I feel so hopeless. People tell you you can do anything, but I feel like it is so untrue. I feel like I will never be happy. I feel like I will never be calm. I feel like I will always be this way; and i hate it.
"Set the Fire to the Third Bar" - Snow Patrol
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Meursault
You've got issues dude. Yet maybe you know how to live. Maybe apathy and disinterest are better than caring so much. I live in constant fear and worry. I fear losing my friends. I fear loneliness. I hold so many ideals so dear. But if I didn't care it would only make me more selfish. Perhaps that's the way some people want to live, but I like our society enough that I do want to care.
So perhaps I just need to live outside myself a bit. Yes, I need to take care of myself, but once I have the basics I need to prevent myself from being obsessed with happiness. Life requires struggle. Life requires battles, hills and valleys. I am going to stop living so planned and worried. Except when I need to of course. I am going to take care of myself enough that I can slowly chisel away the fear that is a constant detriment. But I mostly need to just accept life enough that I don't become so easily discouraged. Balancing ideals and reality, goals and the moment.
I am strong. I am confident. I will let it out. I will be the lion. I'm ready to move forward and be alive. Really alive. I have to gulp and accept the struggles like Mrs. McVay and learn to live with them. I need to stop treating every day like a chore and start living like it. I need to stop trying to get everyone else to live my life and control the world around me. I need to just be me, accept others, and live for a greater purpose.
There's been threats of war against Yemen, Americans struggling with unemployment, and a massive earthquake in Haiti. There is misery in the world, but I really cannot just pout about it, I must act. And I must act at first thought, with spontaneity and confidence.
"Bulletproof" - La Roux
So perhaps I just need to live outside myself a bit. Yes, I need to take care of myself, but once I have the basics I need to prevent myself from being obsessed with happiness. Life requires struggle. Life requires battles, hills and valleys. I am going to stop living so planned and worried. Except when I need to of course. I am going to take care of myself enough that I can slowly chisel away the fear that is a constant detriment. But I mostly need to just accept life enough that I don't become so easily discouraged. Balancing ideals and reality, goals and the moment.
I am strong. I am confident. I will let it out. I will be the lion. I'm ready to move forward and be alive. Really alive. I have to gulp and accept the struggles like Mrs. McVay and learn to live with them. I need to stop treating every day like a chore and start living like it. I need to stop trying to get everyone else to live my life and control the world around me. I need to just be me, accept others, and live for a greater purpose.
There's been threats of war against Yemen, Americans struggling with unemployment, and a massive earthquake in Haiti. There is misery in the world, but I really cannot just pout about it, I must act. And I must act at first thought, with spontaneity and confidence.
"Bulletproof" - La Roux
Monday, January 11, 2010
Weak
I am weak. I am susceptible to so much sadness. I complain often and thoroughly. I allow myself to be affected by so much, the simple glances of friends, or the expressionlessness of their faces on gloomy days. I cannot control myself at all when I need to, and I struggle to free myself when I should. I let myself be bullied around by the Stats teacher and my boss. I allow kids to take advantage of me and I hinder my friendships with my unwillingness to face the truth when necessary and my bluntness when inappropriate.
Sometimes I need someone to be there for me. But I can't seem to find friendships that work. My best and closest friends seem so distant lately. I can't even see them god help me if I can even chat for ten seconds. It is so difficult to really have a good meaningful conversation with my best companions. I am so exhausted from trying to drag my good friends with me to social things or even to just spend time with them. It makes me sad that I am losing this wonderful people so soon and there's this horrible wall of ambitions, goals, and expectations that separates us. I try to compromise and create the best situation, but I feel like nobody notices how hard I try to make my friendships work. I really need my friends right now. I'm sorry for taking your friendship for granted in the past.
What makes it worse is that there are so many people who are willing to be my friend. But I don't want to be their friend. I want to spend time with the few people I really care about. I put my heart and soul into these friendships sometimes and I feel like it is so painful because they can't return it. I want to give up on these friends and grow closer to the ones who actually have time and reliability, but I can't end these marvelous friendships. I just wish it didn't have to be this challenging. I just wish they cared about this as much as I do.
Maybe I want to be dragged along to something. But then again maybe nobody really cares for me as much as I care for them. Maybe people just feel bad for me. I wish I could find someone who really did think of me as one of their good friends without some guilt trip or something. I look at so many people who have fantastic friendships. I try so hard. But I just don't know how. I get so stressed out trying to say the right thing or make the best plans. And I know that just makes it worse, but I don't know how else to live.
My biggest fear is that I could die and that I would be forgotten in a few days. Maybe a few people would remember me for a few weeks. But I feel like I am just one of those people that everyone wants to just get rid of. Like spoiled fruit.
"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
Would someone save me if I was kidnapped or trapped on train tracks? What about you?
Sometimes I need someone to be there for me. But I can't seem to find friendships that work. My best and closest friends seem so distant lately. I can't even see them god help me if I can even chat for ten seconds. It is so difficult to really have a good meaningful conversation with my best companions. I am so exhausted from trying to drag my good friends with me to social things or even to just spend time with them. It makes me sad that I am losing this wonderful people so soon and there's this horrible wall of ambitions, goals, and expectations that separates us. I try to compromise and create the best situation, but I feel like nobody notices how hard I try to make my friendships work. I really need my friends right now. I'm sorry for taking your friendship for granted in the past.
What makes it worse is that there are so many people who are willing to be my friend. But I don't want to be their friend. I want to spend time with the few people I really care about. I put my heart and soul into these friendships sometimes and I feel like it is so painful because they can't return it. I want to give up on these friends and grow closer to the ones who actually have time and reliability, but I can't end these marvelous friendships. I just wish it didn't have to be this challenging. I just wish they cared about this as much as I do.
Maybe I want to be dragged along to something. But then again maybe nobody really cares for me as much as I care for them. Maybe people just feel bad for me. I wish I could find someone who really did think of me as one of their good friends without some guilt trip or something. I look at so many people who have fantastic friendships. I try so hard. But I just don't know how. I get so stressed out trying to say the right thing or make the best plans. And I know that just makes it worse, but I don't know how else to live.
My biggest fear is that I could die and that I would be forgotten in a few days. Maybe a few people would remember me for a few weeks. But I feel like I am just one of those people that everyone wants to just get rid of. Like spoiled fruit.
"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
Would someone save me if I was kidnapped or trapped on train tracks? What about you?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Shalom
Peace is vital. With a calm mind and a calm spirit, suddenly everything becomes enlivened. If we can find the peace at the moments of tension and stress then we can suddenly think clearer, open our hearts, and be ourselves.
I try to listen to music or exercise, but the most effective way for me to calm down is to breathe. Breathing is so intrinsic to human being. Through breathing I can be free inside even when a battle surrounds me. Life may be a neverending battle, but from within I can decipher through all the crap thrown at me and find my voice, my heart, my life. It's hard to live without the influence of everyone around me, but I need to do it sometimes. I have to free myself from the distractions and the expectations. But they won't leave, so I have to only flee for that amount of time in which I can return. Unless I realize that return is not a worthy option.
Perhaps it makes no sense, but I am starting to really deal with my life step by step. For some reason I really do want to get things done now. I did my hw before 11 for the first time on a Sunday. And I had tons of hw, hung out with friends twice, and finished two more college apps. I guess effectiveness comes when you don't even sense it. I wasn't even that stressed this night!
I've done a ton of stupid things in my life. But sometimes we just need to forget about all of it. That's how we move onward. Take that suitcase like the African immigrants attacked in Italy, and move forward. Escape the harassment like the Togolese soccer players who were attacked in Angola. Quench the embers of resentment from the past as Yemen, yet another country threatens to be the next terror center and American bloodbath.
I want to fall in love. That sounds like a nice proposition. Thank God it's 2010.
"Trouble" - Coldplay
I try to listen to music or exercise, but the most effective way for me to calm down is to breathe. Breathing is so intrinsic to human being. Through breathing I can be free inside even when a battle surrounds me. Life may be a neverending battle, but from within I can decipher through all the crap thrown at me and find my voice, my heart, my life. It's hard to live without the influence of everyone around me, but I need to do it sometimes. I have to free myself from the distractions and the expectations. But they won't leave, so I have to only flee for that amount of time in which I can return. Unless I realize that return is not a worthy option.
Perhaps it makes no sense, but I am starting to really deal with my life step by step. For some reason I really do want to get things done now. I did my hw before 11 for the first time on a Sunday. And I had tons of hw, hung out with friends twice, and finished two more college apps. I guess effectiveness comes when you don't even sense it. I wasn't even that stressed this night!
I've done a ton of stupid things in my life. But sometimes we just need to forget about all of it. That's how we move onward. Take that suitcase like the African immigrants attacked in Italy, and move forward. Escape the harassment like the Togolese soccer players who were attacked in Angola. Quench the embers of resentment from the past as Yemen, yet another country threatens to be the next terror center and American bloodbath.
I want to fall in love. That sounds like a nice proposition. Thank God it's 2010.
"Trouble" - Coldplay
It really does help
Friendship. I thought it was a distraction. But now that I am not trying to fix myself through isolation and punishment, I am succeeding. I am hanging out with friends in moderation so that I can actually enjoy my time with them and get stuff done. I still have things to do. But I have been rather successful today, and happy. Only part of one short essay left for college apps, about an hour or so of editing, and a few small homework assignments. Tomorrow won't be entirely easy, but it won't be horrible.
Calm. Breathing. Sleep. Meditate. Live. Laugh. Love.
If I could learn anything about Avatar from other than what I already know about fearing corporate materialism and coldheartedness, is to yearn for discovery and learning in a full awareness. I think that I need to be more open-minded when I learn about things. That's how my grades in english and stats have suffered, when I have been closed-minded. Even with something I know well I need to be open-minded. But I cannot stop loving the things I do. I love the spirit of discovery, but I believe that discovery should be for that purpose only instead of for profit or vengeance. I'll stay my nerdy self and keep loving science, people, and life.
"I'm Not Your Toy" - La Roux
My current favorite song. Listen to it; it's amazing.
Calm. Breathing. Sleep. Meditate. Live. Laugh. Love.
If I could learn anything about Avatar from other than what I already know about fearing corporate materialism and coldheartedness, is to yearn for discovery and learning in a full awareness. I think that I need to be more open-minded when I learn about things. That's how my grades in english and stats have suffered, when I have been closed-minded. Even with something I know well I need to be open-minded. But I cannot stop loving the things I do. I love the spirit of discovery, but I believe that discovery should be for that purpose only instead of for profit or vengeance. I'll stay my nerdy self and keep loving science, people, and life.
"I'm Not Your Toy" - La Roux
My current favorite song. Listen to it; it's amazing.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A Closed Mind
Sometimes what is right in front of us is the best thing. Or the less arduous route might actually be better.
Looking at the Occidental Urban and Environmental Policy Institute's programs so that I can write my essay quickly, I am ashamed that I overlooked this school until now. The programs are spectacular and exactly what I am seeking.
Or tonight I hung out with a few friends who I haven't spent time with in many months. It was wonderful and freeing. It was nice to actually have people want me to be with them instead of all the effort I put forth to seek out the friends who don't ever seem like they want to be with me. It gets tiring calling and organizing ways to be with friends only to have them bail out on you. And in all my effort to build my friendships with these people I ignore the friends who are right there for me, happy to be with me no matter what.
And then there was the new Chinese restaurant I went to today. It was the most delicious Chinese food I've ever had and it was just this small overlooked place in Gilman Village. It's only been open for a week, but I hope it stays because it is spectacularly delicious.
My life has been so wild this week. I've cried so much. I've been through a lot of mental and spiritual pain. I have been struggling so much for so long. I still feel the misery, but it is diminishing.
My fortune cookie told me that my problems will be fixed faster than I think. I hope it is true.
"According to You" - Orianthi
Looking at the Occidental Urban and Environmental Policy Institute's programs so that I can write my essay quickly, I am ashamed that I overlooked this school until now. The programs are spectacular and exactly what I am seeking.
Or tonight I hung out with a few friends who I haven't spent time with in many months. It was wonderful and freeing. It was nice to actually have people want me to be with them instead of all the effort I put forth to seek out the friends who don't ever seem like they want to be with me. It gets tiring calling and organizing ways to be with friends only to have them bail out on you. And in all my effort to build my friendships with these people I ignore the friends who are right there for me, happy to be with me no matter what.
And then there was the new Chinese restaurant I went to today. It was the most delicious Chinese food I've ever had and it was just this small overlooked place in Gilman Village. It's only been open for a week, but I hope it stays because it is spectacularly delicious.
My life has been so wild this week. I've cried so much. I've been through a lot of mental and spiritual pain. I have been struggling so much for so long. I still feel the misery, but it is diminishing.
My fortune cookie told me that my problems will be fixed faster than I think. I hope it is true.
"According to You" - Orianthi
Thursday, January 7, 2010
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