It's April. Often I make mistakes. Often I regret my choices. Yet so often I am worrided, overthinking, and I end up falling off the rocks and wander aimlessly in Yokohama Bay amongst the Great Whites.
Do you ever do things you dislike at the moment but appreciate later?
Do you ever do things you enjoy at the moment but regret later?
Today I've done both. But you can't worry over the past. It has already happened.
The future is no better. As much as I want to know and think about the future, only the work of the moment, the present, makes an difference.
For so long, my passion has been dreaming of my future. I need a new passion. I need to end this headless ambition and find my true love.
The future will come. The past will fade.
Stop thinking. Breathe. Go Do.
This song sums it up:
"Annie Use Your Telescope" - Jack's Mannequin
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Hawai'i: Day 6 - Decisions
God knowsw how much I hate making tough decisions. To tell you the truth I wish most everything could be positively predestined. But it isn't. I have high expectations. I have a will. I have the breath I breathe and a heart that beats. I am so alive right now, yet so afraid of all that lies ahead.
My head aches partly from yesterday's painful incident and from all that has happened. I didn't send in all my aid info to all my colleges except the ones who never accepted me. Columbia postponed my decision and placed me on a waitlist. Nothing cleared my choices. In fact I think it just became that much more complicated. There are so many signals God sends me, but I haven't received a definitive message yet. At least it appears I have a path into Occidental since they invited me to a reception!
My good friend got accepted into Columbia. I feel great. He truly deserves that acceptance and he will do so much for this world. I am so grateful to know such inspirational and deserving people so well. Friendship really makes a huge difference in personal self-esteem.
Nevertheless time and life shifts like the waves and buttery sands of Lanikai. Today is April Fool's Day, the first of APRIL. Weird things happen in a manner of months, days, and even hours. LIfe changes. Winds pull us together and break us apart. Humans are fascinating creatures. Sometimes we drift, but we have a will that can drive us to extreme summits, depths, and through astounding obstacles. There is a level of maturity that many people have a chance to reach, but I still have so many paths to travel before I even match the people I admire.
Yes, I am human. Anything IS possible however. Life is out there. All I can do now is enjoy it with my full throttle. Fear nothing.
Live!
Live!
Live!
My head aches partly from yesterday's painful incident and from all that has happened. I didn't send in all my aid info to all my colleges except the ones who never accepted me. Columbia postponed my decision and placed me on a waitlist. Nothing cleared my choices. In fact I think it just became that much more complicated. There are so many signals God sends me, but I haven't received a definitive message yet. At least it appears I have a path into Occidental since they invited me to a reception!
My good friend got accepted into Columbia. I feel great. He truly deserves that acceptance and he will do so much for this world. I am so grateful to know such inspirational and deserving people so well. Friendship really makes a huge difference in personal self-esteem.
Nevertheless time and life shifts like the waves and buttery sands of Lanikai. Today is April Fool's Day, the first of APRIL. Weird things happen in a manner of months, days, and even hours. LIfe changes. Winds pull us together and break us apart. Humans are fascinating creatures. Sometimes we drift, but we have a will that can drive us to extreme summits, depths, and through astounding obstacles. There is a level of maturity that many people have a chance to reach, but I still have so many paths to travel before I even match the people I admire.
Yes, I am human. Anything IS possible however. Life is out there. All I can do now is enjoy it with my full throttle. Fear nothing.
Live!
Live!
Live!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Hawai'i: Day 5 - Appreciate the Now
I find it really hard to stop whining sometimes. I want a lot sometimes, while I want so little in some ways. I really need to appreciate all I have. I am in Hawai'i!
WE had monstrous winds today, and the waves at Kailua Beach were outrageous. They tossed and turned my body and barreled me toward the shore. I tumbled like a gymnast and flew like a bird a top each crest. There is such freedom in the waves, but it was so lonely by myself. I wish I could transport my friends here.
My family expects so much out of me and my friends just accept me for who I am. Those waves offered me the physical freedom like the spiritural freedom I discover amongst my friends. We can't stay in the ocean forever, so we also have to find happiness on the land.
But on land we can't tumble like in the ocean. I stood on the wood swing at my cousin's house, and then
KABOOM, SPLAT
I fell right on my neck. Now I am paralyzed was my first thought.
But God granted me some grace. I can move my fingers and toes. I can speak. I can see. It's when you're so close to losing everything that you appreciate all you have.
My agony over Stanford and loneliness and shortness has faded. There is so much more in life to live for.
WE had monstrous winds today, and the waves at Kailua Beach were outrageous. They tossed and turned my body and barreled me toward the shore. I tumbled like a gymnast and flew like a bird a top each crest. There is such freedom in the waves, but it was so lonely by myself. I wish I could transport my friends here.
My family expects so much out of me and my friends just accept me for who I am. Those waves offered me the physical freedom like the spiritural freedom I discover amongst my friends. We can't stay in the ocean forever, so we also have to find happiness on the land.
But on land we can't tumble like in the ocean. I stood on the wood swing at my cousin's house, and then
KABOOM, SPLAT
I fell right on my neck. Now I am paralyzed was my first thought.
But God granted me some grace. I can move my fingers and toes. I can speak. I can see. It's when you're so close to losing everything that you appreciate all you have.
My agony over Stanford and loneliness and shortness has faded. There is so much more in life to live for.
Hawai'i: Day 4 - Washing Dishes
The winds howled tonight. Times are changing. LIfe is intransition. I am at the prime of my life, but I waste so much of it away on trivial pursuits and mediocre living. As I washed dishes tonight I could not help thinking about college. Stanford sent me a second rejection letter to make sure I received the first one. But I realized that I don't have to be a Stanford Cardinal to be unique. Stanford doesn't verify my unique identity, talent, or intelligence. It merely is a crimson name with a lot of money behind it.
I can't live my life constantly washing dishes. I need to be creative. I want to live for adventure and romance... I need a break everey once in a while, but we can't live in heaven no matter how hard we try. Often we resign ourselves to the place we have landed. But I still want to explore this world and discover where I really belong.
So where does this all leave me? UW? Berkeley? Somewhere else? God has challenged me to make a tough choice. In the end no matter what I do will likely work out if I instill passion into my choices. But I still don't know.
At least I have over a month to figure this out and great friends and family. I trust my intuition. If I listen to God and the kindred souls around me I will discover my path.
I can't live my life constantly washing dishes. I need to be creative. I want to live for adventure and romance... I need a break everey once in a while, but we can't live in heaven no matter how hard we try. Often we resign ourselves to the place we have landed. But I still want to explore this world and discover where I really belong.
So where does this all leave me? UW? Berkeley? Somewhere else? God has challenged me to make a tough choice. In the end no matter what I do will likely work out if I instill passion into my choices. But I still don't know.
At least I have over a month to figure this out and great friends and family. I trust my intuition. If I listen to God and the kindred souls around me I will discover my path.
Hawai'i: Day 3 - Companionship
This evening I enjoyed a Pesach seder with my mumbo-jumbo family and a dish of yogurt and mochi at Yogurtland. I realized how lovely friendship and family really is. I would hate more than anything to be ALONE. Loneliness is quite the dreadful thought. Every moment with friends, other people, and loved ones, builds our own characters, teaches us about the world, and develops a greater wisdom. Friends are giant windows to other valleys, islands, and planets, but if we blind friendships with shades of ignorance and prejudice we miss out on so much of the spectacular view.
Often I think I took a friend's comment too seriously when I was eight. I desperately did not want to be "predictable." Yet predictability is not all that bad. It prepares friends and builds trust. At times I think I am so unpredictable that I lose out.
My friends are everything. I hope I am a good friend. It's a two-way street of laughter, committment, struggle. No matter what batters, tosses and withers a friendship, a real friendship is a yarn that stays even to that bitter last thread.
And still I feel lonely. Friends are great, but I want more than friendship. I want love. I just don't know what it is. I don't think I have ever really fallen in love with anyone. I don't think I've ever had a real crush. I want a crush so badly. Nobody seems to spark my heart to the point in which I really will jump leaps and bounds for their attention and love. One day I want to take my love here to Hawai'i and introduce them to the magic of this paradise. But alas, will I ever find the love to share Lanikai's sunrise with?
Often I think I took a friend's comment too seriously when I was eight. I desperately did not want to be "predictable." Yet predictability is not all that bad. It prepares friends and builds trust. At times I think I am so unpredictable that I lose out.
My friends are everything. I hope I am a good friend. It's a two-way street of laughter, committment, struggle. No matter what batters, tosses and withers a friendship, a real friendship is a yarn that stays even to that bitter last thread.
And still I feel lonely. Friends are great, but I want more than friendship. I want love. I just don't know what it is. I don't think I have ever really fallen in love with anyone. I don't think I've ever had a real crush. I want a crush so badly. Nobody seems to spark my heart to the point in which I really will jump leaps and bounds for their attention and love. One day I want to take my love here to Hawai'i and introduce them to the magic of this paradise. But alas, will I ever find the love to share Lanikai's sunrise with?
Hawai'i: Day 2 - Exquisite
Here on these picturesque isles, every moment seems so much more alive. There is a strong feeling of camaraderie living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It's as if all my worries float away in this warm and happy Ohana. Of course I am only on a vacation, so my pleasantry is biased. During my conversations with a Stanford, Brown, and Berkeley graduate on a beautiful porch overlooking Waikiki and the Pacific, i realized how life just sort of.... happens. Yes, I need to work hard. Yes I need to focus. But worry is nowhere in that equation. I have been blesssed with so much opportunity, friendship, and talent in my life, yet fear and worry debilitate me. The people who are truly happy are those who live their lives to the fullest. The people who don't complain and who find happiness in life. I am happy to say that I don't need a huge mansion to fulfill my happiness, but I am picky about location. Yet the more I travel the more I appreciate each locale. Every person and place has a unique and wonderful story. I can make my impact on the world through determination love and faith. Everything will work out fine. I must just let go of all the weary bitter expectations and focus on life as it is.
"Holiday for Real" - Jack's Mannequin
"Holiday for Real" - Jack's Mannequin
Hawai'i: Day 1 - ALIVE!
I woke up this morning, exhausted. It felt like I had a hangover from the previous night's rejection by Stanford. Last night I was caught up in the worries over my future. It is difficult to make this college choice for four years, but I guess antagonizing over my future won't really help.
My aunt had a good quote while we ate lunch at Ward Center, "if you worry now, you'll only worry double the amount since you'll worry now and later." I do worry way too much. I allow myself to worry and fear this big world to the point of paralysis.
The most importnat hting to do is live. Live for the moment. Live for the soft sand and azure waters that wrap you like a fluid blanket. LIve for the sweet decadence of that chilly flavorful shaved ice. LIve for the delicate and joyous smile of a toddler after he wins a prize or rides an escalator.
It's when we live, really live out each moment that we appreciate what we have. We don't have to be great or wealthy. We live because life is all we have. We might as well love what we do in life because that is all we can do.
My grandpa the physics prof. was helping me today with a research project. I realized firstly how much I do not understand physics, but I also saw how important his intense textbooks and crazy ideas are. Those weird passions build his identity, his vitality. I know I want to help the environment, but I don't know what my true passion is. I live so passively and it won't get me anywhere I want to be. Only problem is I don't know where to go.
And looking back at Stanford, I know that it just isn't my time or place. I don't know what I would do there. I don't have my passion yet. It would be a waste of all that crazy cash. I need ot reinvigorate my passion. Warm weather, family, music, quotes, and vistas will only do so much. I am the ultimate decider of my fate other than good ole' God.
My aunt had a good quote while we ate lunch at Ward Center, "if you worry now, you'll only worry double the amount since you'll worry now and later." I do worry way too much. I allow myself to worry and fear this big world to the point of paralysis.
The most importnat hting to do is live. Live for the moment. Live for the soft sand and azure waters that wrap you like a fluid blanket. LIve for the sweet decadence of that chilly flavorful shaved ice. LIve for the delicate and joyous smile of a toddler after he wins a prize or rides an escalator.
It's when we live, really live out each moment that we appreciate what we have. We don't have to be great or wealthy. We live because life is all we have. We might as well love what we do in life because that is all we can do.
My grandpa the physics prof. was helping me today with a research project. I realized firstly how much I do not understand physics, but I also saw how important his intense textbooks and crazy ideas are. Those weird passions build his identity, his vitality. I know I want to help the environment, but I don't know what my true passion is. I live so passively and it won't get me anywhere I want to be. Only problem is I don't know where to go.
And looking back at Stanford, I know that it just isn't my time or place. I don't know what I would do there. I don't have my passion yet. It would be a waste of all that crazy cash. I need ot reinvigorate my passion. Warm weather, family, music, quotes, and vistas will only do so much. I am the ultimate decider of my fate other than good ole' God.
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