I look back at this year. I see what I was missing. I was missing the passion that makes me complete. Perhaps I am learning to have limits. Perhaps I am realizing my lack of superhuman powers. But passion was so detached from my life this year.
Live... with Passion.
I want to do things I love. I want to protest. I want to dig my hands in the earth. I want to travel and explore. I want to challenge myself. I want to think, really think. I want to learn. I want to make an impact on the world. I want to better understand people. I want to share wonderful experiences with my friends.
Love... with Passion.
Oh my how I want to love. Yesterday I was at a local cafe for breakfast for a friend and while I waited for everyone to come a man came in with flowers to the cafe. He waited anxiously. Then a waitress came up to the man and he offered her the flowers. I assumed they were together, but then he asked her out. What incredible bravery. But sadly she said no. Not totally ridiculous, but it was such a romantic moment.
Fall... with Passion.
Don't fail with grace. Fail with passion. When you keep fighting, keep fighting till you fall down hard. It's tough to be passionate about something. I put my heart into Berkeley. I could have put even more effort into Berkeley. But I now let go. I am falling in my own sense. It hurts so much. It makes me want to cry every night. I regret it in so many ways. But it is when we fall with passion that we can be proud of ourselves. I am proudly letting go of Berkeley. I achieved something and all the passion I put into my studies and activities was thanks to the motivation Berkeley offered. I fall now, but the passion has helped me in so many ways.
Thrive... with PASSION.
Alas, we may fall down hard when we are passionate. But more likely we thrive when we find passion. It's the people who research the smallest molecules and the oddest relationships who love life. It's the small details that bring joy. The people who fight and fight and fight for their dreams are the people who find fulfillment. When we devote life toward what we care about then we can feel a sense of pride and peace in our hearts. I will soar like a flying squirrel. Always trying to fly higher and higher, but nonetheless grounded. I can get many places, but I will fall. I cannot float through the air like a balloon or albatross, but I can still find a way to glide and maybe even blast like a rocket.
Have heart. That beat that gives life. Let it pump until it cannot pump any longer. Your heart is there and use it. Stop sitting here waiting for the world to come, go out and live in this world!
"Fall" - Something Corporate
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Adventure
That's what we all need. Some adventure in life. Oddly enough I will have adventure undoubtedly next year. Hopefully it won't be an adventure in indebtedness. Hopefully it won't be a struggle through regret. Hopefully it won't be a quest for simple satisfaction.
UW. It's such a weird idea to think that I might be going there.
The other options are options. They exist. Berkeley is there for me to pour thousands of dollars upon it. Occidental and GWU and American the same. UW will still cost money, but money is the one thing I do not think I can handle at all. I can learn to handle weird people and new friends, but I cannot handle finances well. It's just a decision I think that will make me safe. I sort of hate that I want to be so safe, if it is an issue of growing up, then I think my choice comes down to UW or Berkeley. Both will make me grow. Both will offer me a chance to be a new person. However, both have a flaw. I just feel like Berkeley's ginormous cost will be unbearable.
It's a choice between happiness now or happiness for the long-term.
It's a choice between getting happiness or discovering happiness.
It's a choice between fear of money or fear of dissatisfaction.
It's a choice between a wild and new place or a place I think I know well with a social network.
It's a choice between my romantic idealism and the real pragmaticism.
It's a choice between my heart and my head.
It's a choice between pride and humility.
I feel like UW is only going to be emotionally similar to my past four years at high school. Yet I have no assurances that Berkeley will end up as spectacular as I believe it to be. Of course I think it is amazing, but that's based off the campanile and protest history. So little of my love for Berkeley makes sense. I guess that's what love is. I have always told myself to reach out for my love. To go for it no matter what.
And then I pull my heads out of the clouds for a bit. Berkeley is no true love. Yes it is a dream. But a dream that will only be enjoyed for four years. It's a love that is unrequited. Obviously if something shifted a little I would fight for Berkeley. But I just need to let go. I need to let go to repair my heart and soul. Part of the Berkeley dream was that I would enjoy it fearlessly. Instead it would be a dream plagued by misery and fear. I don't want that. It goes against all my beliefs. It goes against who I want to become. But I strongly believe that Berkeley will unravel all the progress I have made in my life for many years to come.
UW offers me a chance for adventure. I cannot afford spring breaks if I go to Berkeley. I cannot explore foreign destinations if I go to Berkeley. I cannot live without drowning in worry about money if I go to Berkeley. UW makes so much sense. UW isn't going to make me starry eyed. UW is what an undergraduate college is about: learning, living, and finding myself.
"Boy Lilikoi" - Jonsi
UW. It's such a weird idea to think that I might be going there.
The other options are options. They exist. Berkeley is there for me to pour thousands of dollars upon it. Occidental and GWU and American the same. UW will still cost money, but money is the one thing I do not think I can handle at all. I can learn to handle weird people and new friends, but I cannot handle finances well. It's just a decision I think that will make me safe. I sort of hate that I want to be so safe, if it is an issue of growing up, then I think my choice comes down to UW or Berkeley. Both will make me grow. Both will offer me a chance to be a new person. However, both have a flaw. I just feel like Berkeley's ginormous cost will be unbearable.
It's a choice between happiness now or happiness for the long-term.
It's a choice between getting happiness or discovering happiness.
It's a choice between fear of money or fear of dissatisfaction.
It's a choice between a wild and new place or a place I think I know well with a social network.
It's a choice between my romantic idealism and the real pragmaticism.
It's a choice between my heart and my head.
It's a choice between pride and humility.
I feel like UW is only going to be emotionally similar to my past four years at high school. Yet I have no assurances that Berkeley will end up as spectacular as I believe it to be. Of course I think it is amazing, but that's based off the campanile and protest history. So little of my love for Berkeley makes sense. I guess that's what love is. I have always told myself to reach out for my love. To go for it no matter what.
And then I pull my heads out of the clouds for a bit. Berkeley is no true love. Yes it is a dream. But a dream that will only be enjoyed for four years. It's a love that is unrequited. Obviously if something shifted a little I would fight for Berkeley. But I just need to let go. I need to let go to repair my heart and soul. Part of the Berkeley dream was that I would enjoy it fearlessly. Instead it would be a dream plagued by misery and fear. I don't want that. It goes against all my beliefs. It goes against who I want to become. But I strongly believe that Berkeley will unravel all the progress I have made in my life for many years to come.
UW offers me a chance for adventure. I cannot afford spring breaks if I go to Berkeley. I cannot explore foreign destinations if I go to Berkeley. I cannot live without drowning in worry about money if I go to Berkeley. UW makes so much sense. UW isn't going to make me starry eyed. UW is what an undergraduate college is about: learning, living, and finding myself.
"Boy Lilikoi" - Jonsi
Monday, April 12, 2010
Breathe and Take That Step
The University of Washington. A world-renowned university in the heart of the Pacific Northwest. Urban, sophisticated, rigorous, and cosmopolitan. Down-to-earth, huge, diverse. Academically marvelous, gorgeous campus, and opportunities copious.
No, it's no Berkeley. Sadly there is no Campanile. Too bad the dorms don't look so modern. The history is not as well-known. The city is less liberal. So miserable, there is cloudy weather the entire term. But despite the defects, these horrible flaws of the UW, it seems like they are so external and irrelevant to my whole encompassing experience of college.
I've had so many fear of UW.
UW Doesn't Have My Major
oops, it turns out that in fact, UW has a notable enviro. sci. major; I just failed to really look into it. In fact it is probably the best program I can afford.
UW Will Be Like High School 2.0
The truth is that, yes, I will see many students from my life the past four years. But as I look at the facebook group of those students, they are the young adults I would love to spend another four years with. People who care about learning, expanding their horizons, and keeping an open mind. People who I can lean back on and trust. People who will make it through those tough finals times and people who will also love me for whoever I turn out to be. Yet I also will meet so many new faces and stories. I always do. I am pretty outgoing I guess. UW has thousands of potential new friendships and opportunities to learn. In fact, Oxy looks more like high school 2.0 with its tiny student body. It's just too perfect to be true.
UW Is a School for Drunk Frat Kids
I think I was a bit too prejudiced against UW. Yes, there is a Greek Life. Yes, there is a party-school atmosphere. Yes, the school is obsessed with sports. But it is so much more than that. And I guess I sort of like that feeling of being absorbed in the atmosphere of school spirit. I just won't need to have as heavy involvement as right now. And every school, whether it is Oxy, Berkeley, or UW has lots of drunk kids. I guess it's inevitable in a progressive school.
Big Classes, Rejection from Honors, My Life Is Doomed
This is slightly valid. I am still afraid of the whole idea of huge classes and angry for my rejection from Honors. But I will just stay motivated to find ways to enjoy what opportunities exist for me and what classes I can take that will prevent me from drowning. It can't be that bad. I am going to make myself heard. I will push and shove to be the top fish. And Honors will accept me next year. I am determined and motivated!
Dissatisfaction
Part of me will always regret going to UW. However the difference is that my happiness at Berkeley for 4 years will lead to 20 or more years of painful regret. I am bound to make many stupid choices in the years ahead of me, especially financially. I am just not gifted with money. But no worries. I won't wake up every morning super happy at UW. But I will need to find a way to enjoy it. It is a big city. It is a fantastic school. I will make UW my Berkeley here in the Evergreen State. Who says big protests and intelligent students are reserved for California? The prestige is obviously better than Occidental, a virtual unknown. And while it is not Berkeley, I just get this feeling that I will be disappointed by Berkeley because I only expect it to be so magical. When I look at the classes, and I read more about Cal, the more I realize that it is really not worth the money and years of financial worry.
Too Close to Home
I think I'll grow up at UW just as well as any where else. Maybe even better. I won't be really homesick because I'll have family so close. But I can also get used to this whole idea of living and being an individual adult. There is so much in life to deal with and it's not time for me to start taking too many steps outside my comfort zone. I worry I'll get bored of it or too attached to home after a while, but I will just push myself to study abroad, something I can only afford at UW.
The truth is that UW is worth the value I spend. I will not be as mesmerized as Berkeley or Oxy. But I cannot afford the extra thousands of dollars to fund a glorious education. It really is about what you do with your education, not where you go. This is such a struggle for someone like me who has so much faith in rankings and prestigious titles. But I have to let go for the sake of my sanity and future. I have so much more potential at UW compared to everywhere else.
It's not what I expected. It's not my dream. But it's college. It will be wonderful. I will learn. I will grow.
Berkeley,
Thank you for motivating me for so many years. Although I let go of you now, I will be back. I will be in California one day, I'm not getting that comfortable here in Washington. You inspire me and captivate me, but you also remind me of the Sirens in the Odyssey and I am not that hormonal to crash my ship into the rocky shores that you hail.
Occidental,
You made me believe I could dream and have a different type of education. I will have the same opportunities, maybe more elsewhere, without spending 60k. I love you too, but I will learn just as well at UW without the burden of cost. You're not totally out of the picture, but I may just have to say goodbye as well.
My life has been controlled by college for so many years. This blind ambition. God is sending me a message that all this ambition destroys me. It's good to haves some desire, but I have become so obsessed. UW is my chance to start anew, be the person I really want to be, and live my life to the fullest extent.
So there we have it. I may not be leaving so far away after all... what a thought.
"Break Myself" - Something Corporate
No, it's no Berkeley. Sadly there is no Campanile. Too bad the dorms don't look so modern. The history is not as well-known. The city is less liberal. So miserable, there is cloudy weather the entire term. But despite the defects, these horrible flaws of the UW, it seems like they are so external and irrelevant to my whole encompassing experience of college.
I've had so many fear of UW.
UW Doesn't Have My Major
oops, it turns out that in fact, UW has a notable enviro. sci. major; I just failed to really look into it. In fact it is probably the best program I can afford.
UW Will Be Like High School 2.0
The truth is that, yes, I will see many students from my life the past four years. But as I look at the facebook group of those students, they are the young adults I would love to spend another four years with. People who care about learning, expanding their horizons, and keeping an open mind. People who I can lean back on and trust. People who will make it through those tough finals times and people who will also love me for whoever I turn out to be. Yet I also will meet so many new faces and stories. I always do. I am pretty outgoing I guess. UW has thousands of potential new friendships and opportunities to learn. In fact, Oxy looks more like high school 2.0 with its tiny student body. It's just too perfect to be true.
UW Is a School for Drunk Frat Kids
I think I was a bit too prejudiced against UW. Yes, there is a Greek Life. Yes, there is a party-school atmosphere. Yes, the school is obsessed with sports. But it is so much more than that. And I guess I sort of like that feeling of being absorbed in the atmosphere of school spirit. I just won't need to have as heavy involvement as right now. And every school, whether it is Oxy, Berkeley, or UW has lots of drunk kids. I guess it's inevitable in a progressive school.
Big Classes, Rejection from Honors, My Life Is Doomed
This is slightly valid. I am still afraid of the whole idea of huge classes and angry for my rejection from Honors. But I will just stay motivated to find ways to enjoy what opportunities exist for me and what classes I can take that will prevent me from drowning. It can't be that bad. I am going to make myself heard. I will push and shove to be the top fish. And Honors will accept me next year. I am determined and motivated!
Dissatisfaction
Part of me will always regret going to UW. However the difference is that my happiness at Berkeley for 4 years will lead to 20 or more years of painful regret. I am bound to make many stupid choices in the years ahead of me, especially financially. I am just not gifted with money. But no worries. I won't wake up every morning super happy at UW. But I will need to find a way to enjoy it. It is a big city. It is a fantastic school. I will make UW my Berkeley here in the Evergreen State. Who says big protests and intelligent students are reserved for California? The prestige is obviously better than Occidental, a virtual unknown. And while it is not Berkeley, I just get this feeling that I will be disappointed by Berkeley because I only expect it to be so magical. When I look at the classes, and I read more about Cal, the more I realize that it is really not worth the money and years of financial worry.
Too Close to Home
I think I'll grow up at UW just as well as any where else. Maybe even better. I won't be really homesick because I'll have family so close. But I can also get used to this whole idea of living and being an individual adult. There is so much in life to deal with and it's not time for me to start taking too many steps outside my comfort zone. I worry I'll get bored of it or too attached to home after a while, but I will just push myself to study abroad, something I can only afford at UW.
The truth is that UW is worth the value I spend. I will not be as mesmerized as Berkeley or Oxy. But I cannot afford the extra thousands of dollars to fund a glorious education. It really is about what you do with your education, not where you go. This is such a struggle for someone like me who has so much faith in rankings and prestigious titles. But I have to let go for the sake of my sanity and future. I have so much more potential at UW compared to everywhere else.
It's not what I expected. It's not my dream. But it's college. It will be wonderful. I will learn. I will grow.
Berkeley,
Thank you for motivating me for so many years. Although I let go of you now, I will be back. I will be in California one day, I'm not getting that comfortable here in Washington. You inspire me and captivate me, but you also remind me of the Sirens in the Odyssey and I am not that hormonal to crash my ship into the rocky shores that you hail.
Occidental,
You made me believe I could dream and have a different type of education. I will have the same opportunities, maybe more elsewhere, without spending 60k. I love you too, but I will learn just as well at UW without the burden of cost. You're not totally out of the picture, but I may just have to say goodbye as well.
My life has been controlled by college for so many years. This blind ambition. God is sending me a message that all this ambition destroys me. It's good to haves some desire, but I have become so obsessed. UW is my chance to start anew, be the person I really want to be, and live my life to the fullest extent.
So there we have it. I may not be leaving so far away after all... what a thought.
"Break Myself" - Something Corporate
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Darn Future
I am so excited for college. I just wish my decision could be easier. I love all my choices and they all seems so wonderful. But I really have to be smart.
Right now I don't like where I am in life. I am not passionate enough about what I care about. I am lost in so many ways. I need to regain my focus. I need to be more open-minded, less afraid, and wiser. I need to explore the world and go outside my comfort zone. But I also need to get my life back to a steady place.
UW offers me what I need right now. I need that simple, yet excellent education. I will be challenged in many ways, but UW offers me many opportunities to escape the hold of my life at the moment. It gives me the stepping stones toward so much in my life and just a place of solace. I love Seattle. I love my friends going there. I love the size and diversity. I love the cherry blossoms.
Occidental offers me so much different from what I expect. I fear it will be like high school. It is so tiny. It is so intimate. It could really force me to learn and think. But why do I need to spend nearly $15,000 more each year just to learn better? UW has just the same abilities to make me learn in new ways and challenge my mind. No, I didn't get into the honors program which would have really challenged my mind, but I can reapply in the next year. I have a goal at UW! If not, I will double major and excel in my studies. I will find internships and jobs. I will serve my community. I will participate in clubs that really matter and make a real impact. I will grow as a person. No, there is nothing that I exceptionally love about UW, but to tell you the truth it does deserve a place in my top group of schools. I guess the only drawback is the jock/frat atmosphere, which I realize is at every school, even tiny Oxy, the big classes, which I won't really have to take and will search for, and the disatisfaction after so much hard work. But really, I will be happy. It's difficult to get into UW. It doesn't have the ring like Berkeley, but graduate school is when that really matters anyways. UW can prepare excellently for Berkeley. I just need to get my act together. Can't do that much anywhere else without wasting money.
Money holds us back in so many ways, but that's capitalism. I can go in debt if I choose, but Berkeley won't be any better. Can you imagine, a triple dorm room at $12,000 a year? That's silly.
Nevertheless, I am lost. I am so so so lost. I want to make the right decision for these next four years. I am so scared that I will regret every moment of my decision. Yet I also believe every choice I have is excellent. I'll see what a few days of focus on UW leads me to. If I feel regret still I might have to change around my choice.
If anything, at least UW can become like Berkeley:
"University of Washington Student Strike"
Right now I don't like where I am in life. I am not passionate enough about what I care about. I am lost in so many ways. I need to regain my focus. I need to be more open-minded, less afraid, and wiser. I need to explore the world and go outside my comfort zone. But I also need to get my life back to a steady place.
UW offers me what I need right now. I need that simple, yet excellent education. I will be challenged in many ways, but UW offers me many opportunities to escape the hold of my life at the moment. It gives me the stepping stones toward so much in my life and just a place of solace. I love Seattle. I love my friends going there. I love the size and diversity. I love the cherry blossoms.
Occidental offers me so much different from what I expect. I fear it will be like high school. It is so tiny. It is so intimate. It could really force me to learn and think. But why do I need to spend nearly $15,000 more each year just to learn better? UW has just the same abilities to make me learn in new ways and challenge my mind. No, I didn't get into the honors program which would have really challenged my mind, but I can reapply in the next year. I have a goal at UW! If not, I will double major and excel in my studies. I will find internships and jobs. I will serve my community. I will participate in clubs that really matter and make a real impact. I will grow as a person. No, there is nothing that I exceptionally love about UW, but to tell you the truth it does deserve a place in my top group of schools. I guess the only drawback is the jock/frat atmosphere, which I realize is at every school, even tiny Oxy, the big classes, which I won't really have to take and will search for, and the disatisfaction after so much hard work. But really, I will be happy. It's difficult to get into UW. It doesn't have the ring like Berkeley, but graduate school is when that really matters anyways. UW can prepare excellently for Berkeley. I just need to get my act together. Can't do that much anywhere else without wasting money.
Money holds us back in so many ways, but that's capitalism. I can go in debt if I choose, but Berkeley won't be any better. Can you imagine, a triple dorm room at $12,000 a year? That's silly.
Nevertheless, I am lost. I am so so so lost. I want to make the right decision for these next four years. I am so scared that I will regret every moment of my decision. Yet I also believe every choice I have is excellent. I'll see what a few days of focus on UW leads me to. If I feel regret still I might have to change around my choice.
If anything, at least UW can become like Berkeley:
"University of Washington Student Strike"
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Rush
College. I am going crazy.
UW. Occidental. Berkeley? GWU. American.
5 choices. I love the first three, and I am visiting the other two soon, but I still have to wait one week until then. I am so lost.
UW is the school I know will be decent and practical. UW is affordable. It makes sense. I have friends there. The programs are great. Seattle is a pretty awesome city. And I know very assuredly that I will be okay at UW.
Oxy is my wildcard. I haven't even formally visited. The campus was nice. The academics are amazing. The courses offered are the most fascinating classes I have ever heard of. The limitations of its small size and moderately expensive cost are the only two drawbacks.
Berkeley has been my dream for years. It is the crazy choice. It is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. I'll need some luck or amazing effort to earn the money for Cal. But the academics are superior and the school has been my motivation for so long. It's where I want to be for the rest of my life.
The other two are so unknown. I don't even know if I will like DC. It's far away and the East Coast may just not fit for me.
So in the end I am lost as ever. I made a complex scoring system for my three well-researched choices. UW - 6.1; Oxy - 6.05; Cal - 6.03. At least they are better than my control, WSU - 3.02
I am so excited for college. All my choices are spectacular in many ways. But I am so afraid of huge things in each of them. The cost of Cal. The dissatisfaction of UW. The unknown of Oxy.
What is the best choice? What will I be happy with? I know I will struggle with one of these obstacles at every college, and most of my challenges will not be unique to one school. What they say is so true. It's not the college you attend, but what you do with your education and experience. Each of these schools will teach me so much about my life. But it is four years of life that I have been looking forward to for ages.
God send me an omen. Friends, listen and guide me. Conscience, find happiness with whatever happens.
"Vanilla Twilight" - Owl City
UW. Occidental. Berkeley? GWU. American.
5 choices. I love the first three, and I am visiting the other two soon, but I still have to wait one week until then. I am so lost.
UW is the school I know will be decent and practical. UW is affordable. It makes sense. I have friends there. The programs are great. Seattle is a pretty awesome city. And I know very assuredly that I will be okay at UW.
Oxy is my wildcard. I haven't even formally visited. The campus was nice. The academics are amazing. The courses offered are the most fascinating classes I have ever heard of. The limitations of its small size and moderately expensive cost are the only two drawbacks.
Berkeley has been my dream for years. It is the crazy choice. It is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. I'll need some luck or amazing effort to earn the money for Cal. But the academics are superior and the school has been my motivation for so long. It's where I want to be for the rest of my life.
The other two are so unknown. I don't even know if I will like DC. It's far away and the East Coast may just not fit for me.
So in the end I am lost as ever. I made a complex scoring system for my three well-researched choices. UW - 6.1; Oxy - 6.05; Cal - 6.03. At least they are better than my control, WSU - 3.02
I am so excited for college. All my choices are spectacular in many ways. But I am so afraid of huge things in each of them. The cost of Cal. The dissatisfaction of UW. The unknown of Oxy.
What is the best choice? What will I be happy with? I know I will struggle with one of these obstacles at every college, and most of my challenges will not be unique to one school. What they say is so true. It's not the college you attend, but what you do with your education and experience. Each of these schools will teach me so much about my life. But it is four years of life that I have been looking forward to for ages.
God send me an omen. Friends, listen and guide me. Conscience, find happiness with whatever happens.
"Vanilla Twilight" - Owl City
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Overly Overwhelmed
I have to choose a college. I have less than a month to decide four years of my future.
I should appreciate the choices I have. I've been accepted to seven schools and wait-listed at another. I love all my choices, but money is a cruel, cruel thing.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I am so tired from the yelling. I am so tired from the accusations. I am so exhausted from my life.
I hate this life I live. Hawai'i was a break from this all, but it only postponed the misery I face here. There is no escape.
I can try all I want, but there is no way out.
College is supposed to be my ticket to freedom. My ticket to dreams. My ticket to the life I determine.
But I will be saddled with debts and regrets no matter what choice I make. I wish I could see the positive in this all, but nothing seems great anymore.
I feel so crushed and drained. I just don't want to try anymore. I've been trying for years and trying to fit this culture of achievement and nerdiness. It's weird. I've tried to be a nerd for years. But I regret it so much. I regret all my crazed studying because in the end I'll probably be at the same college as people who had fun partying and drinking all these years while I studied and never slept. I have sacrificed so much of my life for stupid college and now all I have to show for it are schools that I am only somewhat satisfied with and a dream that is entirely out my reach financially. And the seemingly wonderful backup is tainted by the rejection from the Honors program.
I guess I just want to talk to someone about all of this who won't be judgmental and will just provide me with honest advice.
"Shoot the Breeze" - Frankmusik
I should appreciate the choices I have. I've been accepted to seven schools and wait-listed at another. I love all my choices, but money is a cruel, cruel thing.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I am so tired from the yelling. I am so tired from the accusations. I am so exhausted from my life.
I hate this life I live. Hawai'i was a break from this all, but it only postponed the misery I face here. There is no escape.
I can try all I want, but there is no way out.
College is supposed to be my ticket to freedom. My ticket to dreams. My ticket to the life I determine.
But I will be saddled with debts and regrets no matter what choice I make. I wish I could see the positive in this all, but nothing seems great anymore.
I feel so crushed and drained. I just don't want to try anymore. I've been trying for years and trying to fit this culture of achievement and nerdiness. It's weird. I've tried to be a nerd for years. But I regret it so much. I regret all my crazed studying because in the end I'll probably be at the same college as people who had fun partying and drinking all these years while I studied and never slept. I have sacrificed so much of my life for stupid college and now all I have to show for it are schools that I am only somewhat satisfied with and a dream that is entirely out my reach financially. And the seemingly wonderful backup is tainted by the rejection from the Honors program.
I guess I just want to talk to someone about all of this who won't be judgmental and will just provide me with honest advice.
"Shoot the Breeze" - Frankmusik
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Hawai'i: Day 9 - Lessons of a Week in Paradise
Today is my final day here.
It started with a swap meet at Aloha Stadium in Aiea. Then we got bubble tea at Ala Moana. We ate lunch next to a group of Netball players from Australia and then headed to Waikiki for some beach time. The afternoon concluded with Waiola Shaved Ice and Zippy's for dinner with the big family. Watched a chipmunk movie and ate yogurt near UH.
As I leave this magical paradise, I realize what I need to do. My Aunt from San Diego called today and discussed college with me. We diverged into my political identity and she claimed that I would not be as liberal when I started to actually live in reality. Then she warned me of the dangers of New York and I quickly reminded her that the homeless people have been kicked out. I guess I sounded delighted by that fact, and she immediately criticized my liberalness.
I disagree with her in a way, but she is largely right. I don't follow my beliefs that strongly. I say one thing, but I still live in comfort, unaffected by what I proclaim. I want to live my life with passion. I want to live as myself. I want to be ME.
There is one thing I have learned most definitely here in Hawai'i. You have to find what you love and dive into it. You can't be afraid of the water. You know it is nice once you dip your head underneath, but I still struggle to jump in. I need to take that risk. I need to go into the ocean of my passions. I need to let my heart take over sometimes. I need to live for what I believe in. I need to go it alone.
I've learned a lot of other things here too. Patience. Piety. The virtue of silence. Respect. Faith. Heart. Calm. Balance. Adaptation. Thinking.
It's all about living. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be crazy as I try to finish my homework and fly back losing three hours, but tomorrow I will be alive. And the next day. If not, hopefully I have lived with meaning. Thank you God for giving me this life as it has been so far, and I pray that I still have it for many many years to come.
Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad. Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto Lolam Va'ed.
It started with a swap meet at Aloha Stadium in Aiea. Then we got bubble tea at Ala Moana. We ate lunch next to a group of Netball players from Australia and then headed to Waikiki for some beach time. The afternoon concluded with Waiola Shaved Ice and Zippy's for dinner with the big family. Watched a chipmunk movie and ate yogurt near UH.
As I leave this magical paradise, I realize what I need to do. My Aunt from San Diego called today and discussed college with me. We diverged into my political identity and she claimed that I would not be as liberal when I started to actually live in reality. Then she warned me of the dangers of New York and I quickly reminded her that the homeless people have been kicked out. I guess I sounded delighted by that fact, and she immediately criticized my liberalness.
I disagree with her in a way, but she is largely right. I don't follow my beliefs that strongly. I say one thing, but I still live in comfort, unaffected by what I proclaim. I want to live my life with passion. I want to live as myself. I want to be ME.
There is one thing I have learned most definitely here in Hawai'i. You have to find what you love and dive into it. You can't be afraid of the water. You know it is nice once you dip your head underneath, but I still struggle to jump in. I need to take that risk. I need to go into the ocean of my passions. I need to let my heart take over sometimes. I need to live for what I believe in. I need to go it alone.
I've learned a lot of other things here too. Patience. Piety. The virtue of silence. Respect. Faith. Heart. Calm. Balance. Adaptation. Thinking.
It's all about living. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be crazy as I try to finish my homework and fly back losing three hours, but tomorrow I will be alive. And the next day. If not, hopefully I have lived with meaning. Thank you God for giving me this life as it has been so far, and I pray that I still have it for many many years to come.
Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad. Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto Lolam Va'ed.
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