"I'm only going to let you kill my once"
That's what risk taking is about. Going for it. Letting yourself die. Being afraid, but being so much braver afterward. Love. College. Life.
I wish I had true courage. I want to leave this miserable life I feel trapped in. I want to escape my degrading job. I want to be able to breathe! I want to be able to see the world. I want to be able to explore. I want to be able to love. I want to be able to climb mountains. I want to be able to lead a protest. I want to be free of all these chains that bound me to the life I currently lead.
The people who are leaving this beautiful rainy land are the people I look up to the most. I don't know how I will live without them and I feel like I need to go away too since my best friends are following their dreams and leaving.
I am so disappointed in my fearfulness all these years. I have wanted to do so much with my life and live in so many ways that I can never try now that I am becoming a fully fledged adult.
Oh well. I just want to be me. I just want to live my dreams. But what's wrong with staying here and living them?
"Once" - Diana Vickers
Monday, April 26, 2010
Airplanes
To fly away. Escape from all my problems. My whole goal for all these years of preparation for college has been to go far away for school, or at least to be in the land I love, California.
I wish I could escape from the chains of money. I wish I could find a way to escape all my emotional misery. I wish I could escape all the fears I have. I wish I could escape my ego. I wish I could escape the rat race. I wish I could escape my job. I wish I could escape the whole idea of reputation. I wish I could escape from the binds on my heart.
Freedom. It's something we take for granted.
This weekend at my last JSA convention I listened to an inspirational speech from one of the "lost boys" of Sudan, who ended up here in Issaquah. While he went to the rival high school, he was just happy to be educated indoors, with a classroom of less than 150, with real pencils. He ended up going to college. He only went to Central, but for him that was an impossible dream. He is living his American dream. He is living the life he never thought he could live as he was attacked at gunpoint or as his village was destroyed. In his view the only obstacle to Americans achieving the American Dream is the sense of entitlement we hold. It is so true. I feel like I deserve to go to some great school other than UW, just because I worked "hard." I guess I am really foolish. I mean I really should not be so stubborn about leaving. I should just be happy with what I have.
The truth is that we can fly away from our problems. But fleeing our problems does not mean they disappear. They may hide for a few days, months, or even years, but they will come back to haunt you eventually. I need to thrive wherever I am, and if I am stuck here, I should just change my mindset.
In Song of Solomon, the main character wants to fly. But he can't. At least he can't until he puts to rest his conflicts and struggles. We need to resolve these crazy issues if we want to fly. Flying with our problems is just fake.
I am not stuck here, I am here to learn to fly.
"Airplanes" - B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams
Shooting stars...
I wish I could escape from the chains of money. I wish I could find a way to escape all my emotional misery. I wish I could escape all the fears I have. I wish I could escape my ego. I wish I could escape the rat race. I wish I could escape my job. I wish I could escape the whole idea of reputation. I wish I could escape from the binds on my heart.
Freedom. It's something we take for granted.
This weekend at my last JSA convention I listened to an inspirational speech from one of the "lost boys" of Sudan, who ended up here in Issaquah. While he went to the rival high school, he was just happy to be educated indoors, with a classroom of less than 150, with real pencils. He ended up going to college. He only went to Central, but for him that was an impossible dream. He is living his American dream. He is living the life he never thought he could live as he was attacked at gunpoint or as his village was destroyed. In his view the only obstacle to Americans achieving the American Dream is the sense of entitlement we hold. It is so true. I feel like I deserve to go to some great school other than UW, just because I worked "hard." I guess I am really foolish. I mean I really should not be so stubborn about leaving. I should just be happy with what I have.
The truth is that we can fly away from our problems. But fleeing our problems does not mean they disappear. They may hide for a few days, months, or even years, but they will come back to haunt you eventually. I need to thrive wherever I am, and if I am stuck here, I should just change my mindset.
In Song of Solomon, the main character wants to fly. But he can't. At least he can't until he puts to rest his conflicts and struggles. We need to resolve these crazy issues if we want to fly. Flying with our problems is just fake.
I am not stuck here, I am here to learn to fly.
"Airplanes" - B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams
Shooting stars...
Friday, April 23, 2010
So Afraid
My high school years are almost over. I will be choosing a great college within the next few days. But I am held back by so much.
I have been afraid of so much in these years here. I fear so much at my high school. I have great friends, but it scares me how much one's reputation impacts your life. It scares me how judgmental everyone seems to be. I am so tired of these prejudices and living my life in so much fear.
I have options. I can continue to be afraid of life and miss out on the great opportunities and potential I carry
or
I can be free and fearless and go for it.
Fear holds so many people back. I don't know what to do. Should I allow fear to hold me back and keep me in reality or should I conquer it?
"Do-Wah-Doo" - Kate Nash
I have been afraid of so much in these years here. I fear so much at my high school. I have great friends, but it scares me how much one's reputation impacts your life. It scares me how judgmental everyone seems to be. I am so tired of these prejudices and living my life in so much fear.
I have options. I can continue to be afraid of life and miss out on the great opportunities and potential I carry
or
I can be free and fearless and go for it.
Fear holds so many people back. I don't know what to do. Should I allow fear to hold me back and keep me in reality or should I conquer it?
"Do-Wah-Doo" - Kate Nash
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Shame
People do horrible, horrible things. I am proud that I am not one of the bullies, but when I think about it, we are all bullies. How have we allowed our school to become so cruel? How? I just don't understand it. How can I give a speech proudly graduating our class? I am embarrassed by our actions. Nobody deserves to be told that they are meaningless, worthless, or hated. Especially when it is such a stupid issue and the student is irrelevant to the issue. Everyone is so hateful and mean.
It just makes me want to cry. Life is real. This college deciding process is taking up so much of my time, energy, and life. I think I have made my decision. I have so little time to really think about it, but I think I know what to do now. I will make sure tomorrow with all the financial done and a sit-in of a class. But in life I think we just have to decide. We have to find happiness in every doorway. I still don't really know, but I think that I will make a great choice.
Think before you speak. Live outside yourself. I can't believe the things people say sometimes. Have some common sense and dignity.
It just makes me want to cry. Life is real. This college deciding process is taking up so much of my time, energy, and life. I think I have made my decision. I have so little time to really think about it, but I think I know what to do now. I will make sure tomorrow with all the financial done and a sit-in of a class. But in life I think we just have to decide. We have to find happiness in every doorway. I still don't really know, but I think that I will make a great choice.
Think before you speak. Live outside yourself. I can't believe the things people say sometimes. Have some common sense and dignity.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Daring
I am left with two options. UW or GWU. They both have Washington in them. They are both urban. They are both good colleges. They both are exciting opportunities. There are differences in cost, educational style, and atmosphere. Yet in the end they are both colleges. They will both serve the same purpose and despite their small permutations, the choice will not really make a huge difference in my life. Sure it will steer me in some directions, but in the end, it is up to me to find the spirit within to live the life I want to lead.
I'll just try to sleep it over along with all the other crazy things going on right now. Who knew that prom would be coming up so soon? I really regret the neglect I have had toward some of my friendships. I wish they could all work out. I have had a dream prom. But I guess we can't ever get our dreams. I can't go to Berkeley. I can't have my dream prom. But that's life. I try so hard sometimes, i just don't know if it's worth it. Alas, I cannot whine over all of this. I just need to focus on what's important. If prom doesn't work out, there will be other opportunities, but I have been working toward this prom for so long... I hate putting all this effort into my dreams only to have them snatched away. In the end it will all work out.
I'll give myself a good sleep for a clear mind and a clear heart. Hopefully that will help me make all these choices. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Pray. Live.
"Ben Franklin's Kite" - Something Corporate
I'll just try to sleep it over along with all the other crazy things going on right now. Who knew that prom would be coming up so soon? I really regret the neglect I have had toward some of my friendships. I wish they could all work out. I have had a dream prom. But I guess we can't ever get our dreams. I can't go to Berkeley. I can't have my dream prom. But that's life. I try so hard sometimes, i just don't know if it's worth it. Alas, I cannot whine over all of this. I just need to focus on what's important. If prom doesn't work out, there will be other opportunities, but I have been working toward this prom for so long... I hate putting all this effort into my dreams only to have them snatched away. In the end it will all work out.
I'll give myself a good sleep for a clear mind and a clear heart. Hopefully that will help me make all these choices. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Pray. Live.
"Ben Franklin's Kite" - Something Corporate
Sunday, April 18, 2010
It Will Come
After all this crazy college searching, applying, financial aiding, scholarship seeking, I need to just get away from the craziness of my life. I need a break. I need a sign from God.
I only have one week to decide and place this deposit down for the one thing I have been looking forward to for all these years. I don't want to live another four years of this misery. I want to be happy. I want to learn. I want to make my parents and myself proud. I just need to stop thinking about it and something will tell me what to do. Who knows what it will be? God does.
Same with relationships. And the rest of my life. I can't be passive with the things I know need to get done, but I must let go and stop trying to control everything. I really need to stop being such a control freak and be whatever myself is... I just wish I could skip all these stresses that are driving me to the brink of insanity.
"Run Away From Trouble" - Frankmusik
I only have one week to decide and place this deposit down for the one thing I have been looking forward to for all these years. I don't want to live another four years of this misery. I want to be happy. I want to learn. I want to make my parents and myself proud. I just need to stop thinking about it and something will tell me what to do. Who knows what it will be? God does.
Same with relationships. And the rest of my life. I can't be passive with the things I know need to get done, but I must let go and stop trying to control everything. I really need to stop being such a control freak and be whatever myself is... I just wish I could skip all these stresses that are driving me to the brink of insanity.
"Run Away From Trouble" - Frankmusik
Friday, April 16, 2010
Urbane
DC has astonished me - almost more so than NYC did. While New York was amazing, I realize that DC is probably a much better city for me, for my future and for my studies. Today at GWU I met a graduating Senior who was exceptional and living the life I want to live. He was like my ideal image of myself. From Puyallup of all places he has interned with Solar Energy groups, studied in New Zealand, and is working in Green Corps thanks to the opportunities he has found in DC. His life changed through his decision to go to GWU instead of the typical state school, UW.
While I would love to make that leap, make that jump, I just don't know what to do. I feel like going off to L.A., San Francisco, or DC will help me so much to really grow and mature. It will force me to become the great person I want to become. Yet I also don't want to make such a burden on my family or myself through all the debt I will incur going to these expensive schools.
In the end, I think that GWU worked for this Puyallup kid. He was devoted to it and loved the city. I think I could easily come here to Foggy Bottom and make a great life for myself. Obviously four years in DC are far more exciting than four years in Seattle. But I can still make a huge difference in Seattle. I know what to expect at UW. I will push myself to live and thrive in my little Pacific Northwest metropolis. I will take adventures around the world. I will double major. I will make many new friends. I will get to know my professors and build strong relationships with them. At UW I will force myself to be brave. I will conquer the big classes. I will conquer my hatred of cold, wet winters. I will be free.
It just comes down to who I want to be. I am not so sure I want to live the life of the cool Puyallup kid I met yet. I think I want to do some more soul searching. UW is perfect for that. It just is not worth the cost to set myself down this track in DC at such a high price. There is that chance I am successful. There is that possibility that it changes my life for the better. But at least at UW I know can find success and make an impact, without the misery of all that debt.
DC is impressive. The steps of the Supreme Court blinded me. The Library of Congress awed me. The Capitol building and the views of the mall left me speechless. This city is so fascinating. I stood at the check in for the attorneys who stand in front of the Supreme Court! (And that court is way smaller than imagined btw...)
Maybe grad school here? We'll just wait and see. Tomorrow I'll visit American and my last campus tour for a long time hopefully. By the end of this week I will have a deposit down somewhere. In a week I will know where the next four years of my life will be, what track I am taking for much of the rest of my life. It's crazy, but in a week so much is being decided.
I'm excited!
"When It Rains" - Paramore ft. Andrew McMahon
While I would love to make that leap, make that jump, I just don't know what to do. I feel like going off to L.A., San Francisco, or DC will help me so much to really grow and mature. It will force me to become the great person I want to become. Yet I also don't want to make such a burden on my family or myself through all the debt I will incur going to these expensive schools.
In the end, I think that GWU worked for this Puyallup kid. He was devoted to it and loved the city. I think I could easily come here to Foggy Bottom and make a great life for myself. Obviously four years in DC are far more exciting than four years in Seattle. But I can still make a huge difference in Seattle. I know what to expect at UW. I will push myself to live and thrive in my little Pacific Northwest metropolis. I will take adventures around the world. I will double major. I will make many new friends. I will get to know my professors and build strong relationships with them. At UW I will force myself to be brave. I will conquer the big classes. I will conquer my hatred of cold, wet winters. I will be free.
It just comes down to who I want to be. I am not so sure I want to live the life of the cool Puyallup kid I met yet. I think I want to do some more soul searching. UW is perfect for that. It just is not worth the cost to set myself down this track in DC at such a high price. There is that chance I am successful. There is that possibility that it changes my life for the better. But at least at UW I know can find success and make an impact, without the misery of all that debt.
DC is impressive. The steps of the Supreme Court blinded me. The Library of Congress awed me. The Capitol building and the views of the mall left me speechless. This city is so fascinating. I stood at the check in for the attorneys who stand in front of the Supreme Court! (And that court is way smaller than imagined btw...)
Maybe grad school here? We'll just wait and see. Tomorrow I'll visit American and my last campus tour for a long time hopefully. By the end of this week I will have a deposit down somewhere. In a week I will know where the next four years of my life will be, what track I am taking for much of the rest of my life. It's crazy, but in a week so much is being decided.
I'm excited!
"When It Rains" - Paramore ft. Andrew McMahon
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