Small Things Add Up

For a few months I have been putting all my change from my purchases into a special savings jar and today I counted up the coins. After just saving small bits of change over a few months I ended up with $56 total! This is perfect for extra spending money on my trip to Vancouver next week!

I am really excited for this trip with my friends. It will be my first time traveling with my friends, the first time without my bickering and stressful parents. I am mixing two of my favorite things in life, friendship and travel. It will be quite the adventure.
Meanwhile I have been probably over-preparing for the trip, but I am full of enthusiasm, so I have organized packing lists, itineraries, restaurant lists, and maps. I probably am exhausting my group, but they don't need to appreciate the things I make; I just create all this paperwork to fulfill some weird sort of obsession.

Back to the coins, it's amazing how much the little things count for in the end. This can apply so much in life. When we take small steps toward any big goal, the end outcome will often surprise us. I've been practicing my weapon form for my big black belt test this Friday, and each time I practice I don't feel like I am really improving, but compared to a few weeks ago, I am really proud of how much I have improved. A few more practice sessions and hopefully I will be almost perfect!

"Power" - Kanye West

Satisfied, yet Still Missing Something

I had such a spectacular weekend. I got to see a friend I haven't seen in several years. I got to enjoy downtown with good friends in the sunshine. I got to really just live and enjoy life to the fullest even with the crazy traffic and the late night denny's runs. Even the weed pulling early this morning had something about it that made me feel accomplished, excited, and fulfilled. I believe I am starting to find happiness in life. It's just sort of crazy!

The black belt test is upcoming and it haunts me. But I know it will all be okay. I just need to get to sleep earlier so that I can actually get a full night's rest. I'll keep practicing and training diligently and I know that I will do well.

Despite all this joy, I am missing something. But I guess that part of my heart can wait.

"I Need You" - Jack's Mannequin



(the video is bleh, but the music is remarkable)

This New Feeling

These past few weeks I have felt something I haven't felt since I was a kid. I have felt... happy.

Something has changed. Something within me is making me feel happy for the first time in so long. I am finding hope in strange places. I am discovering wonder in the most unusual ways. I am living, really living. I am being myself. I am comfortable with who I am for once. I am being real.

Somehow, even though so much is not perfect, I am finding happiness. It's so weird. It's not like the happiness I have felt most of my teenage life. It is not fake. It is not temporary. It's not the kind of happiness in which I need something or someone to initiate my happiness. I am happy just to be alive.

I've been waiting for years to wake up one morning, and just be happy. I think I've finally done so.

"Drive" - Incubus



One of my favorite songs. And finally I'm following the lyrics I have believed in for so long.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

When Will People Get It?

Finally some good news on marriage equality as a judge in Massachusetts deemed that DOMA was infringing on civil rights and was unconstitutional. Obviously it will be appealed higher and will possibly reach the supreme court. But I am just so bothered by the ignorance of the right wing groups who oppose gay rights. And the governor of Hawaii's veto of the recent civil rights bill. I just don't understand why they need to control the world and fit it into their little tiny box. Let people live the way they want to live instead of trying to decide for yourself what is right and wrong. This isn't murder or rape people. This is about love and it has no affect on any of you opponents.

Ugh. America is just so behind the times and unequal.

Today was so hot. But I really enjoyed hanging out with good friends at the lake. I really do love swimming even if it is the disgusting lake. It just is so refreshing on a boiling hot day. The water provides just so much freedom! There is so much to look forward to in life. I may be dismayed by the inequality of the United States and the struggles I have with my martial arts and many other things, but I have hope. Today was just so brilliantly sunny. I think there is something good coming my way.

"Brand New Colony" - Postal Service



At least this song is hopeful.

15.5 lbs.

Today it rained. Rain on the 4th of July is so unpatriotic. Oh well, I made the most of it. I decided I might as well clean up might room a little since I had the time. So I started doing my laundry. And then I tackled all the school supplies I had collected over the years of high school. Basically, I don't need any new supplies for college.... Later I went to the piles of work I had collected from just this year of high school, the notes, worksheets, and essays.

I only found about two classes worth of notes to keep and a few random essays that were meaningful or inspiring to me. For the most part I tossed everything. When I weighed the stuff I thought was important on the scale, it didn't even register. However the pile of crap, work that really did not do much for my brain other than keep it busy and keep my stress levels elevated, weighed a grand total of 15.5 pounds. So much paper wasted. I do not believe I have ever had a year so superfluous as this year. Nevertheless it was fantastic closing that miserable door behind me and opening my new doors toward a life of happiness, fulfillment, and serendipity.

Another weight pulled away from my shoulder. I feel so alive recently. Suddenly all the things on that to do list seem less ridiculous. Life just doesn't seem as daunting. It really is about facing things in small pieces rather than large, overwhelming ones. We can only live in crisis, Titanic situations once in a while. We cannot live our whole lives like that.

I've always thought I was unlucky, but I realize that I real determine my own luck. I let life's opportunities pass by because I live in tunnel vision. I have spent most of my life so afraid. I cling to what I know works, too afraid to take risk or do things differently. It's because life has worked for me pretty well the way I know how to do it. I work like a machine, I fear change because I never get past the fear and insecurity I feel when I take a different path. Yet most paths lead up the mountain. I am just too afraid most of the time to try something new. But now I am realizing that if I want to achieve my dreams I have to stop running a straight path and accept that sometimes there will be twists and turns. I am just beginning to live my life with serendipity, but I think I can do this. Insecurity will haunt me every time I try something new, but it is temporary. I will have luck on my side and confidence will fill my soul. I am finally starting to believe in myself just by placing myself in this mindset, and it's not even sunny out!

"Make Your Own Luck" By Rebecca Webber
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201005/make-your-own-luck

"Commander" - Kelly Rowland

Keep Dreaming, Keep Focused

It's hard to focus on goals in life, but I have to keep my head steady. I want that black belt. I need to stay motivated to accomplish my dreams. But maybe I need to clarify my dreams some more. I think so much, maybe I need to think less. My mind is so unclear. Everything is clutter. This weekend is going to be crazy uncluttering, writing, practicing, training, and meditating weekend. Can I do it? Yes, I'll continue running. I'll continue to clean out my terribly messy closet. I'll continue to meditate, even more. I'll continue to study martial arts. I will write those essays. I will love life. I will do this, I know I can, I am turning over a new leaf.

"When I See U" - Fantasia

Everything Was Okay, but then...

hell broke loose. my life was going swell, but everything is now falling apart. I just wanted things to work out. I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted to be honest. But now I think I have ruined everything.

"Lovesick Mistake" - Erin McCarley