The Brain

A peaceful image from my trip to San Diego, in contrast to the complexity of my following discussion.

Our minds are complex. I really struggle with understanding other people's feelings especially. Emotions often don't make sense, in fact I struggle with my own emotions perpetually. Emotions are insane and complicated. They are not simple. They are not a positive science, but rather a normative one. Or at least that's the way I see. Perhaps they can be looked at through a factual lens, but emotions themselves are quite subjective.

Emptiness has been strong today. For some odd reason I feel more empty around center people than others. It is as if I want the friendship of some friends over others. It seems like when I hang out with the friends who are conveniently available, I am unhappy with the situation because I don't feel like I am good enough to hang out with the friends who are less available. But then I have to remind myself that just because some people are busier than others doesn't mean that they dislike me.

Comparisons often make me sick. I compare myself to better looking people, taller people, smarter people, more successful people, more popular people, more charismatic people, and I wonder what is wrong with me. I dreams of being able to be so many people all in one, but I guess that isn't really possible. The one thing I really need to focus on is being myself. The most cool people in this world are those who try to be themselves, no one else.

Finally, I need to be studious in this upcoming quarter. I want to feel proud of myself. I am going to make the most of every moment. Life is short, and I am going to try to enjoy as much as I can. This trip really reminded me of the joy of life, so I hope I can continue to propel joy throughout my life this quarter.

"The Suburbs" - Arcade Fire



At first I thought this video and song would relate to my hatred of the suburbs, but I don't get it at all. Please help me by explaining your interpretations.

I Thought....

When I started university, being honest to everyone about myself and opening up to friends, I thought everything would improve. In some ways life became incredibly better. I no longer struggled with procrastination, and I have succeeded academically. I am accomplishing many things, yet I feel so unfulfilled, so unhappy.

I thought that my friendships would strengthen, but it seems like they are all falling apart. My best friends are so distant either literally or figuratively that I feel like I have no friends. I have plenty honestly, but I have no one I trust.

I feel so alone right now. This sinking feeling reminds me so depressingly of my life last year. I thought I had moved forward and changed as a person, but I am struggling in so many ways. I thought that becoming more self-aware would improve my self-esteem, but I seem to be imploding this week. I have fallen on the same path that I always have been on and I haven't been able to avoid it because I am surrounded by the same people and the same things all the time. I need to escape Washington and discover what truly matters to me, but I don't think I'll be happy just by escaping. I am so frustrated with life right now, but as much as I want to see people, I am desperately needing to figure out myself right now.

What's wrong with me?

"Home" - Ellie Goulding

Stale

I am overwhelmed. I am fearful of what has become of my life. I thought my life was better. I thought that everything was going swell. I have had everything together. I achieved that 4.0 grade point average this quarter, joined those three clubs, developed new relationships from diverse backgrounds, and ran every weekend consistently. This quarter I have been in control and I have done a fine job.

Yet I feel so empty inside. My life is no longer vibrant.

Just look at what makes up my life:

I sleep. I go to class. I complete schoolwork. I study. I go to a club meeting or event. I run. I meet up with friends. I am disappointed with my life. Sure, I have accomplished stuff. I have gained new skills, but I feel like I could be so much more. On the inside, I feel vacant.

Today, I went sliding down the gorgeous slopes in Snoqualmie Pass. The beauty of the mountains immersed me, lit with sunshine and sprawled with snow. There is magic in the mountains, in the way the light reflects off of the crystalline fields of white. I pick up an inner tube, and race towards the slope, diving downward. Snowflakes fly into my face and a smile widens across my mouth. I am immersed in joy, yet at the end of it all, even though I am surrounded by some of my best friends, the people I am most comfortable around, the people I am most happy to spend my time with, I am not bubbling with enthusiasm.

I have one friend in particular whom I feel particularly disconnected from. I am so afraid of losing my friend. Actually I feel like I am losing most of my friends. The friends who did not join me at UW are distant and difficult to reach, while the friends who are within feet of my presence seem just as dislocated. Loneliness sinks in my soul. It’s not extreme, but it’s been building up. I feel so alone and disconnected from my friends, and gradually feeling like my friends are slipping away from me.

Friendship is marvelous, but there comes a point in time when it can become stale. I believe that I have reached that point, but the problem is that I don’t know if it is my friends or myself. I feel bland, but so do my friendships. I don’t want to be dull and boring, but I don’t know how to have fun. All the years of depression murdered my happiness. I am strong enough to be happy now, but I just can’t seem to be happy. Every time I try to be happy I feel fake. Every time I try to have fun, I feel unreal. Every time I try to enjoy my friendships I feel insincere. I am saddened by this turn of events. I want to hide and runaway from the monster I have become. I have no one to talk to. I have no joy anymore and I hate it.

I want to be happy, but I have forgotten what happiness is.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding

Completion

I avoided writing on this blog for a while, partly because I was distracted with Nanowrimo, and because I was trying to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this blog. What makes this blog worthwhile? Why do I write on this blog? Is anyone listening? Should I write my ideas more publicly on a Facebook note or less so in a private journal? These questions have all led me to this inevitable conclusion: it really doesn't matter. I can blog or write diary entries or public notes of Facebook, but in the end it doesn't truly matter. The person who will read this is me. I look back at my blog and I become aware of how much I have grown. It marks each precious day of my life, and I can do that in many media, but the blog is the one I will stick with for now. I know that some of my friends have abandoned, closed, or forgotten their blogs. I started because of these friends, but I continue for myself. I don't mean to be selfish, but this blog has evolved from a way for me to speak to my friends in desperation under a secret cloak, to a journal recording my life. It is now more of an autobiography just like the novel I wrote started as. However I fully expect this blog to evolve even more. My unnamed novel began as a virtually literal autobiography depicting what was going on with me during my most tumultuous teenage years, yet it became a story full of adventure, love, and drama. So I will accept wherever this blog takes me and wherever I end up in life.

December began today with warmth (oh my god it is so hot in all the dorms...) and sunshine sprinkling the sky. I woke up rather late, but I adjusted, showering faster and efficiently conducting my morning routine. I enjoyed a luscious strawberry banana Odwalla and then rushed off to my environment class. Oddly enough my environment class covered almost the exact same topics as my wildlife class about landscape ecology and technologies used to monitor wildlife populations. Perhaps it was because I was awake today in class, but I was engrossed in conservation planning tools like GAP analysis and SLOSS reserve designs. Later I worked on a poster about electronic waste for my environment class and I was so excited to create a poster for the first time.
The day carried on with the Hanukkah festivities by Hillel and Chabad. I hung out with some enjoyable friends as we lit the candles and spun dreidels. I really enjoyed being immersed in my Jewish culture and as uncomfortable as it makes me sometimes, I was proud to participate in something relating to my heritage. This was followed by an excursion to the "Honors" dessert contest, which was mildly delicious. I then enjoyed some German chocolate, free pizza, and apples to apples at my Young Democrats meeting. My day ended with a phone call from a good friend, and I just hope everything goes well, but it sounded good for the most part. This has been such a wonderful time today, and I am exhausted beyond my wits.

The craziest thing is that last year I remember dreading every day. I used to wake up and force myself to get up. I would look constantly at the clock in class, waiting to escape my misery. Instead of trying to escape misery, I am now just living. I don't necessarily feel happy, but I'm not unhappy! It's such a glorious feeling to not be unhappy. Contentment pulls the corners of my lips apart and a smile is spreading across my face. Life is improving every day and I know it will only get better.

A few lessons I have learned:
- I need to be more fun, playful, lighthearted, amusing, whatever you want to label it
- Accept myself for who I am; this may be my only obstacle to happiness
- Be more social and less afraid of what people will think
- Solidifying or crystallizing my values if fundamental to my overall happiness

"Be My Animal" - The Good Natured

Awesome song that makes me dance!

Bhy Kracke

Yes, that is a real title. Today, on a rare, beautiful sunny day in Seattle I traveled to Queen Anne to this park called Bhy Kracke Park, hidden and less well-known than most parks in the city. My goodness this viewpoint was so empty besides one couple, yet it had such a spectacular vista of Seattle. I warmed myself underneath the sunshine and listened to wonderful music. I felt so happy in that moment. I think life is going to be good even after all the craziness this week.

Here's a song to remark on my love for this world:

"Your Song" - Ellie Goulding

On a Balcony in Waikiki

I am sitting upon a balcony in the middle of Waikiki the bustling tourist center of Honolulu. It is exciting like New York City, tropical like Miami, luxurious like Los Angeles, and has the flair of Tokyo with all the Japanese influence of this place. The ocean is ahead of me it goes on for miles seemingly never ending. It is a thrill, but being here, away from all of the stress of college, and the craziness of my life in the interim has been rejuvenating.

Unfortunately the circumstance for why I am here is less than ideal. My grandma’s passing away has really made me think about how much she lived through and how important it is for me to carry on her legacy on Earth. I pray that she has found peace after her meaningful and wonderful life. It is weird for me to think that she is gone after seventy-seven years on this Earth, but I am amazed by what she has gone through and it inspires me to lead a more meaningful life. I went to the service today and thought a lot about what my Grandma meant to me and how I should live my life in her footsteps. She cared so much about other people and I hope that I can be like that. I hope that I can do something that will really make a difference in the lives of others and make me feel good about what I am doing in the world. I will admit that I want to feel good about myself; I want to be happy and I do not believe that is a sin. Likewise being in the church was a powerful and daunting experience for me. I felt so pressured to behave a certain way and I hope that what I do in life will serve God. I believe so strongly in my faith more recently because I have realized that God is really present in my life. I hope that my grandma has found peace with the lord.

I have thought a lot today about my life. I have thought so much about what I want to do with the rest of my life as people ask me, “What are you majoring in?” or “What do you want to do?” I feel so overwhelmed by these questions. I wish I was like my aunt and knew I want to be a doctor, so set in stone and secure. I wish I was passionate about some science like my grandpa or uncle. I wish I could be satisfied with a simple job like working at a hotel or some sort of business. Alas, I am not secure in these ways. I don’t have that passion for such a particular field, nor am I flexible enough to do whatever comes my way and accept it. I am picky and yet I am hoping to do something without a clear path. I guess I will just need to be more flexible, but flexibility is key in life. If I can deal with what is thrown at me through every twist and turn, and make the most of it like my grandma, I can really make the most of my life.

While I am sad today and grieving my loss I am also inspired by the life of my grandma. She went through incredible struggle, yet enjoyed incredible wonder in her life; it is my goal to continue to make the most out of my life while I am privileged to have it.

Halloween: People and more People

This Halloween was a tough day. I ran for so long today, farther and faster than I have ever run in my life. I guess I ran about 3.3 miles straight and completed another 1.5 miles after a brief respite to soak in the glorious sunshine at Gasworks. This city is so beautiful and it gave my soul some comfort as I deal with all the events of this weekend. I ran to deal with my sadness.

I feel so alone here in so many ways, yet I don't really understand why this is. I am surrounded by good friends. I have so many people I can meet here, yet I feel so uncomfortable around them. In essence there are four problems I am having.
1) Same people: I am meeting the same people from high school and spending so much time with them. This isn't bad necessarily, but it makes me feel like I am stuck in high school, and I hated that experience so much.
2) Fear: I am so afraid to do so many things. I fear drinking alcohol. I fear going to frat parties, or any party for that matter. I fear even talking to certain people (actually most people for that matter). I fear even going to the IMA to work out. I fear what people think of me. I fear being an outcast. I feel so abnormal here, and I am tired of being a loser. I want to just fit in and be myself, but I fear what people will think of me all the time.
3) Closed identity: Being locked in my past identity sucks. I want to be open and honest with everyone, yet at the same time I don't believe that I can do it. I am so afraid of what people will think of me. Yet when I get past the barrier of my identity I can suddenly trust people and be so much more open with them. I feel like I can't be friends with people easily unless they know me for who I am. I wish I understood this better, but I don't.
4) Lack of motivation: People here are fascinating, but you have to find them. It is such a challenge. I mean this evening I actually talked for an hour or two to people down the hall, but it was a rare experience. I feel like most people here are uninspiring and disappointing. So many people here conform with the party scene. Most people seem to be so satisfied with being drunk. People here care so much about good grades, but nobody seems to see a bigger picture. There is so much out there in the world, inspiration, challenges, hope, wonder, but nobody here seems to see it or care that much. Even the people I thought who would care seem so dismal.

I just want to find my niche here. I want to make close friends like the ones I already have. I want to find love. I want to fit in. I feel so alone. I wish I could enjoy football, alcohol, parties, etc. like everyone else seems to here. I know there are different sorts of people here, but I have not found them yet.

My grandmother inspires me in so many ways. I will miss her dearly, but her passing away also sparks my spirit. I am reminded of all the struggle she went through coming to this country. I realize that I should stop hating this place as much as I do. Instead I should work hard to make the dreams I seek for myself and the rest of my fellow Americans possible. I will work doubly hard tomorrow to support my state senator and senator the next two days. I will focus and study like crazy for my midterm. I will revise my essays and put my soul into my ideas. I will work hard and make a difference in the world for people like my grandma. She made it here, but only after incredible effort. I will try my best to reflect her efforts through my own. I will do my best and that is the best I can do to remember my amazing grandma.

Thank you God for allowing me to know my grandma for these past 18 years. Rest in peace June Shizue Pong. I love you and miss you.

"Runaway" - Devlin ft. Yasmin



This song captures so much of what I feel right now.