Feeling Insufficient

Hectically I awoke from a restless slumber discovering that the time was indeed five past nine, not the leisurely pace permitted by five till eight. I took a minute to blink, hoping that the time would change in that instant, but instead, it remained solemnly 9:05, the seconds ticking away, time passing by. Only the night before as I wrote a blog entry I discussed my frustrations with time, and it only seemed destiny. I crawled down my ladder and took a deep sigh. Sure I had only twenty-five minutes to complete a shower and fifteen minute walk, but I just went for it. I took an impressively speedy shower (today I actually did something good for the environment!) and walked like a pronghorn sheep toward the distant executive education center. Despite the limited timespan, I actually shifted my mindset and spent those twenty-five minutes positively making the most of my time.

Following forward, my day continued to make the most of time generally. Today was a seemingly unremarkable day, yet I did a lot. My classes were unhelpful, continuing to feel like wastes of time, but outside of class I studied for hours to thoroughly understand the topics I am learning. I challenged my mind, completed the necessary tasks, and even did my laundry in the afternoon.

I achieved a significant amount of homework before the State of the Union. I was inspired by the unity of Congress. I really was proud of the bipartisanship and I hope that this will be the path forward even with my high degree of skepticism. President Obama instilled a sense of patriotism within me, a spirit lost in recent times. After watching the administration fail to follow through with promises to combat climate change, tackle immigration, and allow the economy to falter more, disappointment was building in my heart. I realize now that I must serve this country as I have always intended. We need to deal with these difficult issues of climate change, biodiversity, pollution, diseases, and resources effectively and with a conscientious outlook. If I can study my chemistry, economics, and Japanese to help us achieve these grand goals then I am doing my part.

After the speech I was greeted by a lovely phone call from a friend, another boost to my morale. We had not spoken for many weeks, but it was as if we had seen each other more recently. I was so glad to talk to someone about all the exciting things happening in my life, both positive and negative. Friendships make living more worthwhile and I am infinitely grateful for my wonderful friends, old and new. I cannot wait to meet more intriguing, fascinating, and joyous individuals as I grow older. Each new person, each new conversation is an experience that expands my wisdom of this complex world.

This isn't dubstep, which I have fallen in love with today, but it captures the feeling of exhaustion I feel working this late at night despite managing my time super-efficiently and studying without distraction.

"Cat and Mouse" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Direction

This was a beautiful lighthouse at Makapuu Point on Oahu when I visited Hawaii lasted week.

Dreams. We all have lovely dreams for our future, some of us fret over them more than others, while some of us think briefly about grand ideas, but place them aside. I have gigantic dreams; this is a centerpiece of my identity. Some are specific like becoming a member of the faculty at a university in California, preferably Berkeley, while others are simple and common like finding true love. I don't necessarily believe that I will absolutely achieve all my dreams for they are far-reaching and incredibly difficult to reach, but I dislike the idea that I cannot fulfill my dreams. If I want to try and become a Rhodes Scholar, who will stop me? If I want to make a difference on this planet, what will stop me?

Well, in fact, there are plenty of people, events, and ideas that obfuscate my journey.
Friends face struggles, and these difficulties simmer my heart. I feel withered by all the chaos my friends endure and the pressure I place on myself to be a better friend to everyone. I never feel like a good enough friend because someone will always be insufficiently befriended in my world. There is no 100% with friendship, and while I struggle to accept this, I am learning to be okay with my imperfect friendships.
Likewise, these dreams require determination and self-discipline. To secure my dreams I have attempted to brutally structure my life by a tightly managed schedule. This has enabled me recently to accomplish the necessities, yet still I am not doing half of what I should be doing to achieve my dreams. To top it all off, this prudent time management mechanizes me. I feel like a robot at the end of the day, worn out, but unsatisfied. Wandering and serendipity have been banished from my world. Meditation, reflection, adventure, love, and joy have been forlorn in to a forsaken corner of my closet beneath those more pressing needs like family, friends, schoolwork, etc. This clash of my stress level reaching its capacity, while my emotional level reaching a low lead me feeling inhuman and miserable.

I want to be a genuine human. As one of my best friends used to tell me, the most important thing in life is to be human. But sometimes it's difficult to truly accept our humanity. We are not superhuman, gods, or masterminds, really we are only human, and on occasion we must accept our fate. But I refuse to let fate determine my life. I know that the most significant obstruction is time. I often despise the constraints of time, especially as I reflect upon the passing time as I age each minute, hour, day, and year. However I am going to attempt a new mindset. I will not look at time as if it is an enemy, rather time will be my friend. I have all the time in the world theoretically, so I might as well live my life to the fullest, but with no need to fear any ending.

"Who Your Are" - Jessie J

Overwhelmed by Thoughts

Sometimes I just feel so miserably overwhelmed. Right now I feel that pressure brewing. I never realized how much UW would suck the fun out of me in certain ways. I just never have time to have fun. I am much more disciplined than I used to be, but now I am miserably disciplined. I spend my time as efficiently as I can. I work, work, and work, aiming for that desired grade, that increased knowledge, this sense of fulfillment.

I am overwhelmed by friendships that I don't understand what to do with. Varying opinions about life are causing me to question my sense of self. That delicate core of being that determines who I am feels uncomfortable, violated. I thought I knew who I was and that would fix all my problems, but I am so sad. I need to get away from the stress of this place. I have just worked like a machine for so long, that I believe I have forgotten how to live. I have forgotten happiness. I want happiness so badly, but this overwhelming sense of misery overshadows me like a looming cloud of gray.

Life is much more complicated than I ever could have imagined. I always feel like when I finally get a sense of life, I become overwhelmed by the whole complexity of it all. I thought I understood what I needed to do: find a job, volunteer, study, explore a hobby, exercise, etc., as if life is this formula, but it is so much more complex. Sure I can simplify life down to that level, but there is so much more to consider. People have emotions, morals, values, thoughts. Sure, these can be examined and predicted, but in the end, one single action can have huge impacts on any single individual, or even the rest of the world.

I need some peace even though I just exited my break, and yet I think I want more chaos, but something not so depressing and stressful. I think I need to stop thinking so much!

"Pull Myself Together (Don't Hate Me)" - The Rocket Summer

The Brain

A peaceful image from my trip to San Diego, in contrast to the complexity of my following discussion.

Our minds are complex. I really struggle with understanding other people's feelings especially. Emotions often don't make sense, in fact I struggle with my own emotions perpetually. Emotions are insane and complicated. They are not simple. They are not a positive science, but rather a normative one. Or at least that's the way I see. Perhaps they can be looked at through a factual lens, but emotions themselves are quite subjective.

Emptiness has been strong today. For some odd reason I feel more empty around center people than others. It is as if I want the friendship of some friends over others. It seems like when I hang out with the friends who are conveniently available, I am unhappy with the situation because I don't feel like I am good enough to hang out with the friends who are less available. But then I have to remind myself that just because some people are busier than others doesn't mean that they dislike me.

Comparisons often make me sick. I compare myself to better looking people, taller people, smarter people, more successful people, more popular people, more charismatic people, and I wonder what is wrong with me. I dreams of being able to be so many people all in one, but I guess that isn't really possible. The one thing I really need to focus on is being myself. The most cool people in this world are those who try to be themselves, no one else.

Finally, I need to be studious in this upcoming quarter. I want to feel proud of myself. I am going to make the most of every moment. Life is short, and I am going to try to enjoy as much as I can. This trip really reminded me of the joy of life, so I hope I can continue to propel joy throughout my life this quarter.

"The Suburbs" - Arcade Fire



At first I thought this video and song would relate to my hatred of the suburbs, but I don't get it at all. Please help me by explaining your interpretations.

I Thought....

When I started university, being honest to everyone about myself and opening up to friends, I thought everything would improve. In some ways life became incredibly better. I no longer struggled with procrastination, and I have succeeded academically. I am accomplishing many things, yet I feel so unfulfilled, so unhappy.

I thought that my friendships would strengthen, but it seems like they are all falling apart. My best friends are so distant either literally or figuratively that I feel like I have no friends. I have plenty honestly, but I have no one I trust.

I feel so alone right now. This sinking feeling reminds me so depressingly of my life last year. I thought I had moved forward and changed as a person, but I am struggling in so many ways. I thought that becoming more self-aware would improve my self-esteem, but I seem to be imploding this week. I have fallen on the same path that I always have been on and I haven't been able to avoid it because I am surrounded by the same people and the same things all the time. I need to escape Washington and discover what truly matters to me, but I don't think I'll be happy just by escaping. I am so frustrated with life right now, but as much as I want to see people, I am desperately needing to figure out myself right now.

What's wrong with me?

"Home" - Ellie Goulding

Stale

I am overwhelmed. I am fearful of what has become of my life. I thought my life was better. I thought that everything was going swell. I have had everything together. I achieved that 4.0 grade point average this quarter, joined those three clubs, developed new relationships from diverse backgrounds, and ran every weekend consistently. This quarter I have been in control and I have done a fine job.

Yet I feel so empty inside. My life is no longer vibrant.

Just look at what makes up my life:

I sleep. I go to class. I complete schoolwork. I study. I go to a club meeting or event. I run. I meet up with friends. I am disappointed with my life. Sure, I have accomplished stuff. I have gained new skills, but I feel like I could be so much more. On the inside, I feel vacant.

Today, I went sliding down the gorgeous slopes in Snoqualmie Pass. The beauty of the mountains immersed me, lit with sunshine and sprawled with snow. There is magic in the mountains, in the way the light reflects off of the crystalline fields of white. I pick up an inner tube, and race towards the slope, diving downward. Snowflakes fly into my face and a smile widens across my mouth. I am immersed in joy, yet at the end of it all, even though I am surrounded by some of my best friends, the people I am most comfortable around, the people I am most happy to spend my time with, I am not bubbling with enthusiasm.

I have one friend in particular whom I feel particularly disconnected from. I am so afraid of losing my friend. Actually I feel like I am losing most of my friends. The friends who did not join me at UW are distant and difficult to reach, while the friends who are within feet of my presence seem just as dislocated. Loneliness sinks in my soul. It’s not extreme, but it’s been building up. I feel so alone and disconnected from my friends, and gradually feeling like my friends are slipping away from me.

Friendship is marvelous, but there comes a point in time when it can become stale. I believe that I have reached that point, but the problem is that I don’t know if it is my friends or myself. I feel bland, but so do my friendships. I don’t want to be dull and boring, but I don’t know how to have fun. All the years of depression murdered my happiness. I am strong enough to be happy now, but I just can’t seem to be happy. Every time I try to be happy I feel fake. Every time I try to have fun, I feel unreal. Every time I try to enjoy my friendships I feel insincere. I am saddened by this turn of events. I want to hide and runaway from the monster I have become. I have no one to talk to. I have no joy anymore and I hate it.

I want to be happy, but I have forgotten what happiness is.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding

Completion

I avoided writing on this blog for a while, partly because I was distracted with Nanowrimo, and because I was trying to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this blog. What makes this blog worthwhile? Why do I write on this blog? Is anyone listening? Should I write my ideas more publicly on a Facebook note or less so in a private journal? These questions have all led me to this inevitable conclusion: it really doesn't matter. I can blog or write diary entries or public notes of Facebook, but in the end it doesn't truly matter. The person who will read this is me. I look back at my blog and I become aware of how much I have grown. It marks each precious day of my life, and I can do that in many media, but the blog is the one I will stick with for now. I know that some of my friends have abandoned, closed, or forgotten their blogs. I started because of these friends, but I continue for myself. I don't mean to be selfish, but this blog has evolved from a way for me to speak to my friends in desperation under a secret cloak, to a journal recording my life. It is now more of an autobiography just like the novel I wrote started as. However I fully expect this blog to evolve even more. My unnamed novel began as a virtually literal autobiography depicting what was going on with me during my most tumultuous teenage years, yet it became a story full of adventure, love, and drama. So I will accept wherever this blog takes me and wherever I end up in life.

December began today with warmth (oh my god it is so hot in all the dorms...) and sunshine sprinkling the sky. I woke up rather late, but I adjusted, showering faster and efficiently conducting my morning routine. I enjoyed a luscious strawberry banana Odwalla and then rushed off to my environment class. Oddly enough my environment class covered almost the exact same topics as my wildlife class about landscape ecology and technologies used to monitor wildlife populations. Perhaps it was because I was awake today in class, but I was engrossed in conservation planning tools like GAP analysis and SLOSS reserve designs. Later I worked on a poster about electronic waste for my environment class and I was so excited to create a poster for the first time.
The day carried on with the Hanukkah festivities by Hillel and Chabad. I hung out with some enjoyable friends as we lit the candles and spun dreidels. I really enjoyed being immersed in my Jewish culture and as uncomfortable as it makes me sometimes, I was proud to participate in something relating to my heritage. This was followed by an excursion to the "Honors" dessert contest, which was mildly delicious. I then enjoyed some German chocolate, free pizza, and apples to apples at my Young Democrats meeting. My day ended with a phone call from a good friend, and I just hope everything goes well, but it sounded good for the most part. This has been such a wonderful time today, and I am exhausted beyond my wits.

The craziest thing is that last year I remember dreading every day. I used to wake up and force myself to get up. I would look constantly at the clock in class, waiting to escape my misery. Instead of trying to escape misery, I am now just living. I don't necessarily feel happy, but I'm not unhappy! It's such a glorious feeling to not be unhappy. Contentment pulls the corners of my lips apart and a smile is spreading across my face. Life is improving every day and I know it will only get better.

A few lessons I have learned:
- I need to be more fun, playful, lighthearted, amusing, whatever you want to label it
- Accept myself for who I am; this may be my only obstacle to happiness
- Be more social and less afraid of what people will think
- Solidifying or crystallizing my values if fundamental to my overall happiness

"Be My Animal" - The Good Natured

Awesome song that makes me dance!