Life Is Short

Color in Life

I woke up this morning later than I expected, but I was desperate for sleep. After I took a shower I almost complained about something to my roommate, but I realized that it really wasn't necessary to whine about anything to my roommate; I can just leave the worries inside my head and release them in another form besides verbalization. I almost started talking to myself in the elevator, but I stopped myself. These realizations of my actions brought a smile across my face. Merely being aware of my idiosyncrasies makes me feel so much more confident.

As the day progressed I attended Japanese class which was quite a bore as usual, but I realized that I need to continue to gain fluency in Japanese. I'm not taking the class just to get an A in Japanese. No, I am taking Japanese to gain a skill, an understanding of a language to the point in which I can communicate in it. I rushed over to eat lunch with two wonderful friends who always bring excitement into my life, and I was frankly intimidated. I don't really understand what caused my discomfort, but I am glad I was aware of it.

Later this afternoon I went to chemistry and actually tried to pay attention, but my focus was waning. I met a new person and then worked on chemistry with her. I completed my chemistry homework and scored one hundred percent. It was a check box filled, but each one felt great today.

It was sunny today, but bonechillingly cold. Nevertheless I enjoyed the bright rays of sun penetrating my face with warmth. The evening approached and I saw the hilarious drag show which made me realize more of my discomfort especially when I promptly exited the building without greeting the people I knew in the competition. Back at the dormitory I saw the Social Network finally and I was both creeped out and inspired by the successes and miseries of Mark Zuckerburg's awkward life. I am so glad that I have trustworthy, meaningful friendships and I have found contentment beyond the trivial pursuits of high ranking institutions, but I wish I still was capable of doing great things like programming a unique idea into a usable medium for everyone on the planet, understanding the law to a depth that enables me to protect the innocent and empower equality, or lead a movement to change the world for the better with actual tangible results. However these vague unspecified goals are only accomplished through a full powered effort by me. I am already behind in many ways compared to my peers at these most renowned higher education institutions. But I don't have to be. I can reach my dreams, live a meaningful life, and enjoy it all if I just focus.

I dream of mostly being alive. I want to be able to talk to people comfortably. I want to face my fears with my identity. I want to do great things in life. I want to understand the world and the processes that make this world function. I have incredible potential to reach these dreams but I need the passion. I need the zest of life to replenish a withering soul. I must detach myself from the cord and jump across the bridge. Perhaps I won't fall, but I will fly.

Most importantly, I must sleep now.

"I Need A Doctor" - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem & Skylar Grey

Stress Ascent

This week my stress level ascended to new bounds. I found myself trapped. Today I was incredibly lucky. I really ought to count my blessings. Things do end up working out rather well. I think I need to take those steps outside my comfort zone though. I need to go to the places I seek.

Finally today I applied for a job. It was a simple application, but it was one step toward doing things outside my comfort zone. I am planning to do some other things outside my comfort zone this weekend: going to the UW drag competition and a young democrat party. Other things are squarely inside my comfort zone, but wonderful like the oscar party I'm going to and the Improv show I'm watching. Other tasks are within my comfort zone, but lame like chemistry lecture. Life can be filled with wonderful things, but we have to take the steps to actually reach those points.

I want to be more spontaneous, but I tend to keep my thoughts in spontaneity rather than my actions. I am like a turtle. I see the world around me, but I retract the moment I fear the possibility of leaving my shell. I hate this trait of mine. I just fear hurt strongly. I have lived a life that has been touched by little and I am incredibly uncomfortable with most everything that I haven't tried. I fear the bruises and bumps. I tend to compare myself to others even on the dumbest criteria. I often extrapolate my actions, obsessing over the worst possibility. This focus on the negative has trapped me in anxiety and fear.

Fear is difficult to defeat. However I believe I can conquer my fears. I have so many that I am afraid to list them all. Let's just start with that.
who I am.
talking to guys.
being late.
singing in public.
dancing in public.
drinking.
drugs.
breaking rules.
human touch.
disappointing others.
grades lower than A.
commitment.
applying for jobs.
talking to adults.
a career.
marriage.
poverty.
illness.
camping.
insulting others.
asking questions in lecture.
taking off my shirt.
skype.
secrets.
needing help.
asking for directions.
sports.
going to the gym.
living without judgments.
loneliness.

Obviously I could continue my list for many many fears, but I have listed these initial fears, mostly large intangible ones that I grapple with daily. Defeating these fears will take effort and focus. I believe I can overcome my obstacles; if I don't I will never see my dreams come true.

"Many Moons" - Janelle Monae

Awful Sinking Feeling

This leaf is probably happier than I am right now.

I feel so alone right now. I really shouldn't. I have been around my friends, I am surrounded by like-minded people, and I have so many close friends around me. But all my talk-to people seem gone. I feel like I can't talk to my best friends, either because they are too difficult to reach in far off places to talk to in person, or because I don't want to burden them with my stresses and worries. I am trying so hard to stop worrying, to be less anxious, less paranoid, but as the weeks have passed I have grown more and more neurotic. I am exhausted. I hate myself so much right now. I have slowly relapsed into my old ways.

I know what is causing a lot of my problems. I am afraid of many things. I am afraid to try for any romantic relationships because I am still not comfortable with myself. I am fearful to meet new friends because I am wary of how they judge me. I fear doing any sports or clubs because I fear the judgment from strangers. I have become someone I cannot stand. I am so miserable right now. I want to cry, but I can't because I am in this triple room with two other guys and I have no one to lean on, no one to talk to.

I chose to focus on schoolwork this quarter. I aimed for perfection. I always fall upon this deadly path. I am now unhappy because I put so much stress into my schoolwork, but I accomplished so little. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten on a serious test. I feel awful, just awful. The one thing I set my mind to, even if I wasn't very efficient in how I went about it, I failed. I haven't tried to make friends, or find love or do anything outside of class. I feel into my comfort zone of school and academics betrayed me.

To continue the betrayal, I have to listen to my roommates today talk about their "natural smartness" and all the accomplishments they seem to collect like worn out baby beanies. I hate it. I hate feeling so inferior and pathetic. I have stressed so much over accomplishment and all these goals I have, but I have not actually enjoyed life or really worked hard to succeed. I feel lame. I keep fighting the fact that I am human and should be susceptible to flaws, but I don't know how to be happy besides being better than other people.

I have lived my entire life with a very simplistic model: success is relative. success = happiness.

I know this fails. I know this doesn't work, but I am too afraid to try anything else. This works. I am happy for that brief hour after I receive an A on a midterm, and content as long as I still have that lovely first letter of the alphabet on my grade reports. I have never been happy doing anything substantial without some sort of reward, marker, or grade to signify my success. The only other happiness I have felt is when I take photographs, go on a vacation, or hang out with friends. I don't know how to have fun. I don't know how to enjoy life. I only know how to take a test and feel happy about it for maybe an hour maximum. I don't know what else life is meant for.

I wish I could just take the dive and go for it. I see all around me the opportunities to make my life more meaningful and wonderful, but I refuse to chase them. I refuse to open my eyes to people around me. I judge people. I fear their judgments. I feel like such a mess. There is so much wrong with me, what on earth could be right?

I feel like nothing has changed ever since I started to come to terms with my depression and my identity. I feel like my life has plateaued at a low point. I see so much ahead of me, but I feel myself falling farther down this black abyss of doom, hopelessness, and misery. Perhaps I am just fatigued from a lack of sleep, but I think that my sleeplessness merely exacerbates my state.

I hate so much about UW right now. I truly feel like a number, a statistic on the bell curve. I feel that bell jar encasing me. I don't want this to happen, but I hate it so much. I tire of the stresses here and the feeling of being trapped by the past. I feel like I am falling apart here, not thriving. I know I have the potential to do great things, but this emotional struggle is holding me back in so many ways. Being here in Washington keeps my morale from blossoming. I tire of this cold, dark, and damp atmosphere. I tire of the conceited, arrogant, and hipster culture.

There are so many complaints I have right now, but chiefly I have one request, not a complaint at all. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I haven't felt alive for so long. Everything has felt like an eerie dream since this quarter began. I need to feel alive. I need to have a meaning to my life. I am so done with living in this misery, but I don't know how to get out.

"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook/Skylar Grey



"what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again"

Try Harder... or not

A crab looking out to the future. What does she expect, or does she even think at all?

All my life I have lived by a central paradigm: the harder you work, the harder you try, the more you will succeed.

The problem with this linear thought process is that I ended up increasing my stress level, not necessarily working harder. It is true that a more determined effort supports a more accomplished path, but I don't need to live a life constantly thinking about how I can best use my time, most effectively use each minute, study most deeply, etc. Instead I need to live by one of my central tenets: trust. I need to trust that my life will be fine. I already have a mindset that prepares me for my goals and dreams. I still need to put forth the effort to achieve my goals, but I don't need to worry about it. I can let go, breathe and accept the fate that life is offering me.

Therefore, today, I am going to try to stop trying so hard. I am always looking up self-help guides to improve my personality, relationships, life, academics, and health, but perhaps I need to stop trying to find the easy fixes in life, and just go and live. Living is much more difficult that fulfilling my brain's craving for instant gratification. I need to stop living for hope, and start living for real meaningful purposes. We'll see where this road takes me. I will still do the things that work, running, studying, friendships, but I'll stop trying to make them the ultimate achievement.

Letting go.... now.

"Turning Tables" - Adele

Vibrancy

The vivid sunset I witnessed at the Olympic Sculpture Park today (yes, in February!)

We can all agree that in general life is too short. Time is a brutal lord that controls our fates, yet also creates us into our human selves. With time we grow, and with time we lose out on opportunity. Time allows us to accomplish feats, passionately love, and joyfully explore, while limiting us from these very pleasures. Often I ask myself, "what if there were just more time in the world?" but the true impact of more time would mean more time would be spent working along with playing. Perhaps we would create new things, but in general life would not really change; we would just accept the shift and adapt to it.

In conclusion, I aspire to live every moment to the fullest. Life is short, but I can intentionally live with more meaning. This means meaningful moments with family, friends, studies, work, and even meditation and sleep. Even wasted time has a place in life. I just want to avoid wasting too much time because I have realized during my span at UW that significant moments only last a few minutes or seconds even. While I can increase my chances of encountering a special, inspirational, thought-provoking, or definitive moment by spending more time on certain aspects of my life, the inefficiency of that time spent decreases at a certain point. For example today I spent three hours with one friend. It was fine and dandy, but in only thirty minutes I surely could have gotten as much depth from that time spent with my friend. However I am not god, and I cannot predict how well I spend my time. I guess I will just try to get more sleep so I can make less neurotic decisions and more strategically use my time.

Meanwhile, I keep trying to make life more fascinating. I try to think of three impossible or crazy ideas each day to inspire me to expand my mind beyond the structure and frames of my collegiate education. I also try to keep taking photographs and explore the city. Meditation and exercise are other forms of escape that offer me time to reflect, clear my mind, breathe, and renew. I worked too much last week, so these past few days of renewal have been necessary for my future, but I have also made many mistakes. Nevertheless I am determined to live with vibrancy at every step and snore.

"Rolling in the Deep" - Adele

In Only Two Hours

Where does this rough road end?

My situation will change quite a lot in merely two hours. At 2:20 I can release and enjoy me weekend after a tortuous week studying like no other and feeling in the pits. I cannot wait to escape. I see the light in the distance, the joy in the hours that approach, but for now I am going to have to settle with the anxiety that is pounding inside my heart as my chemistry midterm approach. I will do fine I hope, but I cannot wait to just get past this climax of my stressful week. I have spent too much time studying and not enjoying life. I feel like I am wasting life away, constantly exhausted, unhealthy, and alone.

The weekend is so close, I can feel it!

"The Wilhelm Scream" - James Blake

Balance Can Be Boring

The light at the end of the tunnel?

Today I was a total workaholic, yet I feel incredibly unproductive. I spent over 5 hours studying deeply and the remaining part of my day was eating, a short photography break between the dorm and library, my young democrats meeting, and about twenty minutes watching tennis. I guess I could have cut out some more social time there with that tennis match, or avoided any creative time, but without that I really would be going crazy today. I am incredibly exhausted; today was the second day in a row where I slept through my alarm. But it was okay, despite the exhaustion that haunted me all day. I have many ideals I yearn for like reading my notes after class, applying for jobs, determining my majors, improving my friendships, but all of these expansive goals seem impossible considering how much time I am spending right now just to accomplish the necessary schoolwork.

Last year I was like this except I would spend 7 hours "studying," by surfing the internet for 6 of those hours. Now I am actually using my time to the best of my ability, yet I am still behind. I never feel up to par on any subject and I have more work to do tomorrow because I was unable to complete everything tonight. I have a chemistry midterm, and a Japanese essay, but at least after tomorrow's economics quiz I can pause a bit on that subject.

In essence life has been rather unwavering, which is ideal I guess, almost "perfect," but it's the imperfections and wanderings that give me a thrill in life. I wish I had spoken to the girl on my floor who seems interesting and I saw passing on the ave, or I wish I could just read my book for one hour. Still I managed to explore the East Asian Library today and take some delightful photographs of Mount Rainier. I'll have to display them later.

In the meantime, I've got to get some sleep and here's hoping that I will actually wake up when my alarm blasts in the morning (I can't even say tomorrow because it is already Thursday... sad).

"I Just Wanna Run" - The Downtown Fiction