Do Again, No Don't

Yet again, I am here, late at night typing this blog entry. Am I fighting who I am, my natural working patterns or am I just lazy? I draw a single connection to my inefficiencies each week. If I sleep on the weekend well I am able to enjoy a week of productivity, but if I mess it up one day, I completely fall apart. I just struggle to keep myself in focus when I lack sleep. I hate this consistent theme, but sleep is truly controlling my life. I have not had a good sleep for weeks and this has prevented me from achieving what I am truly possible of doing. Since I don't resort to caffeinated beverages to provide me energy I need to restore my sleeping habits that I gained in my first quarter and establish a stronger work ethic.

Time can be managed but I need to be aware. My lack of sleep is like a fog on my windshield preventing me from seeing what is directly in front of me. For example today I could not remember what time I scheduled an advising appointment about three minutes after scheduling it. I forgot that I had ordered a book and instead promptly borrowed it from the library.

It is okay in life to make mistakes, but I feel like I haven't had any achievements in a long time. I want to do something with my life. My life needs meaning! I don't do anything right now that I enjoy and that is torturing me. It makes me overextend my time with friends in the evenings until I return so late from hanging out that I cannot accomplish any of my homework.

Things might not really change this quarter since I have watched my life fall apart and I am currently trying to save it from truly collapsing, but next quarter I am going to change things.

One thing I will try to do for the rest of this quarter is dream. I have no interesting dreams today because I am exhausted; my brain has no ideas generating. But hopefully tomorrow despite not completing any of my homework and having no time to do it tomorrow I will be refreshed enough to be a little more productive and finally have some fascinating thoughts.

Good night.

"Someone Like You" - Adele

Organized Chaos

Frustration was the overriding premise of today's mood. I woke up with little sleep from this weekend and even less sleep from the immediate night before. Exhaustion imbued me from my head to my toes. My concentration was obliterated. Upon reaching my oral interview in Japanese I collapsed into mush. Misery and doom subsequently followed my lackluster performance. As I sulked in front of my computer screen I wandered the internet, discovering a fascinating set of descriptions of governments using cows. Besides this discovery my afternoon continued to be abysmal. Sleeplessness presaged my awfully muddled state in chemistry lecture. The logarithms and chemistry notations all began to blur into a slurry of H's, p's, and K's. I kept flipping between notetaking, web surfing, and merely staring into empty space.

Afterwards I was granted a reprive from my series of misfortunes when I finally had an advising appointment with a career counselor. These are the resources that make a university strong, key components like advising link the university beyond the bubble of academia that it can easily settle within. I chose to attend a large research university like UW because I knew that these resources were incredible. Thankfully the resources have sufficed my expectations. The adviser helped me discover some useful websites to find internships and jobs, as well as alumni or people who can offer me more specific advice on determining my career goals. The most important lesson I learned was that I really need to do some introspective reflection if I want to figure out what I want to do with my life. As the meeting concluded he reminded me of one thing, to reach out to others if you feel like you are in a slump. It seems like everyone could notice my stress today, and I most definitely want to change this anxious part of me.

The anxiety has subsided to its typical level, but I can tell it is crippling me just as it has done so in the past. The oral interview was hopefully the nadir of my anxiety's effects, but I fear that I may not be applying my lessons to the reality I face. For example, I am still awake at this horrendously late hour having not completed many of my simple homework or other goals. I have allowed hours of meaningful time sleeping, working, discovering, resting, enjoying life by poorly managing my time. I can see the anxiety in the corner of my mouth where a patch of dry skin becomes inflamed by my virtually involuntary habit of picking at the corner of my mouth when I am stressed. I can feel the exhaustion as I desperately search for the words in my brain, racking the aisles for creative diction to apply to my writing.

Collapse seems to be brutally relevant right now as I read a book about environmental sociological collapses and observe myself falling apart. I must not become the main character of Things Fall Apart. I am Max. I have potential. I can unlock my amazingness with the keys that I have gathered. All I have to do is grab the key and place it in the lock. Sometimes it doesn't work properly, or I accidentally grab the wrong key, but I need to be persistent in my self-improvement if I ever hope to see my dreams come true.

"Now or Never" - Jodie Connor

Anxiety and Quirkiness

Yesterday evening was incredibly social. I hung out with some friends who can be a little dull and overbearing, but I had a rather enjoyable time. I felt bad leaving, but I was excited to go to my party. Thankfully I went with my good friend, but it was quite a new experience. I have never seen so many people transformed. It wasn't like these are stereotypical party people, instead these are those nice nerdy people who happened to all be drunk together and enjoying themselves. It really made me feel like I was stepping one step further toward maturity seeing what adults do with their freedoms. I didn't get drunk like my friends, but I still enjoyed myself, went outside my comfort zone and felt relaxed for the first time in a while. Life was joyful in that moment, a feeling I haven't had since class began two months ago.

Now as March approaches utterly fast, I feel incredible anxiety. I want to live. I want to thrive. I feel like I have wasted incredible amounts of time in my life worrying, fearing the consequences, and now truly embracing how vibrant a life I can lead. I don't need to get drunk to live a fulfilling life, but I need to stop wasting time surfing the internet aimlessly, wasting sleep and vital time with good friends.

Honestly there are so many things I want to DO with my life. I need to stop contemplating my future and start living. My dreams need to become my reality. School will take it's place, but I cannot allow it to engulf my life. Friends will have their place, but I must make the most of every moment with them. Life is dramatically brief, and I have too many things I dream of before life is complete.

Dream. Live. Joy Exists!

"If I Were You" - Diagram of the Heart

Breathing

You can barely see it, but yes there is snow on my sleeve.

When I woke up the world was anew. It was nine thirty and life was beginning again as every day does. I went for my run and the bitterly cold air suffused into my body, zapping the innermost of my organs. I could feel that chill penetrate my heart, lungs, and breathe. I gasped for air as I continued to run, pounding my feet against the pavement, stretching my sleeves so that they could keep my knuckles from freezing off like those insane images of flowers frozen in nitrogen (check national geographic for a cool photograph). Alas, then the snow flurries began to flutter down from the clouds and onto my hair, my shirt, and my nose. I felt the specks of white inadvertently crash into my eyeballs and while there was some pain, the exuberance within spread my mouth wide into a smile.

Even in the most miserable moments, joy exists. I went later to Pike Place and ate some delicious piroshkies with friends and we headed to the aquarium only to find that our student budgets did not favor such extravagant fares. Instead we wandered Seattle jumping into a warm building every other block, bought some yummy dried fruit and a mango lassi, finally returning to my warm dorm this afternoon. I started planning for my upcoming trip, making a map and I am brimming with anticipation and nervous excitement for tonight. I am going to a dinner with some friends and then going to a cocktail hosted by one of my clubs. I have no idea of what to expect, and I don't know what it will turn out like, but my one goal is to release, have fun, and enjoy life. Maybe I'll step outside my comfort zone a bit. Maybe I'll do something unexpected. I will stay within what is safe for my body, mind, and soul, but I hope that tonight I can be happy, live with fewer worries, and just be.

No matter what just breathe. I think that may be my new saying, or something like that. Breathe.

"Keep Breathing" - Ingrid Michaelson

Life Is Short

Color in Life

I woke up this morning later than I expected, but I was desperate for sleep. After I took a shower I almost complained about something to my roommate, but I realized that it really wasn't necessary to whine about anything to my roommate; I can just leave the worries inside my head and release them in another form besides verbalization. I almost started talking to myself in the elevator, but I stopped myself. These realizations of my actions brought a smile across my face. Merely being aware of my idiosyncrasies makes me feel so much more confident.

As the day progressed I attended Japanese class which was quite a bore as usual, but I realized that I need to continue to gain fluency in Japanese. I'm not taking the class just to get an A in Japanese. No, I am taking Japanese to gain a skill, an understanding of a language to the point in which I can communicate in it. I rushed over to eat lunch with two wonderful friends who always bring excitement into my life, and I was frankly intimidated. I don't really understand what caused my discomfort, but I am glad I was aware of it.

Later this afternoon I went to chemistry and actually tried to pay attention, but my focus was waning. I met a new person and then worked on chemistry with her. I completed my chemistry homework and scored one hundred percent. It was a check box filled, but each one felt great today.

It was sunny today, but bonechillingly cold. Nevertheless I enjoyed the bright rays of sun penetrating my face with warmth. The evening approached and I saw the hilarious drag show which made me realize more of my discomfort especially when I promptly exited the building without greeting the people I knew in the competition. Back at the dormitory I saw the Social Network finally and I was both creeped out and inspired by the successes and miseries of Mark Zuckerburg's awkward life. I am so glad that I have trustworthy, meaningful friendships and I have found contentment beyond the trivial pursuits of high ranking institutions, but I wish I still was capable of doing great things like programming a unique idea into a usable medium for everyone on the planet, understanding the law to a depth that enables me to protect the innocent and empower equality, or lead a movement to change the world for the better with actual tangible results. However these vague unspecified goals are only accomplished through a full powered effort by me. I am already behind in many ways compared to my peers at these most renowned higher education institutions. But I don't have to be. I can reach my dreams, live a meaningful life, and enjoy it all if I just focus.

I dream of mostly being alive. I want to be able to talk to people comfortably. I want to face my fears with my identity. I want to do great things in life. I want to understand the world and the processes that make this world function. I have incredible potential to reach these dreams but I need the passion. I need the zest of life to replenish a withering soul. I must detach myself from the cord and jump across the bridge. Perhaps I won't fall, but I will fly.

Most importantly, I must sleep now.

"I Need A Doctor" - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem & Skylar Grey

Stress Ascent

This week my stress level ascended to new bounds. I found myself trapped. Today I was incredibly lucky. I really ought to count my blessings. Things do end up working out rather well. I think I need to take those steps outside my comfort zone though. I need to go to the places I seek.

Finally today I applied for a job. It was a simple application, but it was one step toward doing things outside my comfort zone. I am planning to do some other things outside my comfort zone this weekend: going to the UW drag competition and a young democrat party. Other things are squarely inside my comfort zone, but wonderful like the oscar party I'm going to and the Improv show I'm watching. Other tasks are within my comfort zone, but lame like chemistry lecture. Life can be filled with wonderful things, but we have to take the steps to actually reach those points.

I want to be more spontaneous, but I tend to keep my thoughts in spontaneity rather than my actions. I am like a turtle. I see the world around me, but I retract the moment I fear the possibility of leaving my shell. I hate this trait of mine. I just fear hurt strongly. I have lived a life that has been touched by little and I am incredibly uncomfortable with most everything that I haven't tried. I fear the bruises and bumps. I tend to compare myself to others even on the dumbest criteria. I often extrapolate my actions, obsessing over the worst possibility. This focus on the negative has trapped me in anxiety and fear.

Fear is difficult to defeat. However I believe I can conquer my fears. I have so many that I am afraid to list them all. Let's just start with that.
who I am.
talking to guys.
being late.
singing in public.
dancing in public.
drinking.
drugs.
breaking rules.
human touch.
disappointing others.
grades lower than A.
commitment.
applying for jobs.
talking to adults.
a career.
marriage.
poverty.
illness.
camping.
insulting others.
asking questions in lecture.
taking off my shirt.
skype.
secrets.
needing help.
asking for directions.
sports.
going to the gym.
living without judgments.
loneliness.

Obviously I could continue my list for many many fears, but I have listed these initial fears, mostly large intangible ones that I grapple with daily. Defeating these fears will take effort and focus. I believe I can overcome my obstacles; if I don't I will never see my dreams come true.

"Many Moons" - Janelle Monae

Awful Sinking Feeling

This leaf is probably happier than I am right now.

I feel so alone right now. I really shouldn't. I have been around my friends, I am surrounded by like-minded people, and I have so many close friends around me. But all my talk-to people seem gone. I feel like I can't talk to my best friends, either because they are too difficult to reach in far off places to talk to in person, or because I don't want to burden them with my stresses and worries. I am trying so hard to stop worrying, to be less anxious, less paranoid, but as the weeks have passed I have grown more and more neurotic. I am exhausted. I hate myself so much right now. I have slowly relapsed into my old ways.

I know what is causing a lot of my problems. I am afraid of many things. I am afraid to try for any romantic relationships because I am still not comfortable with myself. I am fearful to meet new friends because I am wary of how they judge me. I fear doing any sports or clubs because I fear the judgment from strangers. I have become someone I cannot stand. I am so miserable right now. I want to cry, but I can't because I am in this triple room with two other guys and I have no one to lean on, no one to talk to.

I chose to focus on schoolwork this quarter. I aimed for perfection. I always fall upon this deadly path. I am now unhappy because I put so much stress into my schoolwork, but I accomplished so little. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten on a serious test. I feel awful, just awful. The one thing I set my mind to, even if I wasn't very efficient in how I went about it, I failed. I haven't tried to make friends, or find love or do anything outside of class. I feel into my comfort zone of school and academics betrayed me.

To continue the betrayal, I have to listen to my roommates today talk about their "natural smartness" and all the accomplishments they seem to collect like worn out baby beanies. I hate it. I hate feeling so inferior and pathetic. I have stressed so much over accomplishment and all these goals I have, but I have not actually enjoyed life or really worked hard to succeed. I feel lame. I keep fighting the fact that I am human and should be susceptible to flaws, but I don't know how to be happy besides being better than other people.

I have lived my entire life with a very simplistic model: success is relative. success = happiness.

I know this fails. I know this doesn't work, but I am too afraid to try anything else. This works. I am happy for that brief hour after I receive an A on a midterm, and content as long as I still have that lovely first letter of the alphabet on my grade reports. I have never been happy doing anything substantial without some sort of reward, marker, or grade to signify my success. The only other happiness I have felt is when I take photographs, go on a vacation, or hang out with friends. I don't know how to have fun. I don't know how to enjoy life. I only know how to take a test and feel happy about it for maybe an hour maximum. I don't know what else life is meant for.

I wish I could just take the dive and go for it. I see all around me the opportunities to make my life more meaningful and wonderful, but I refuse to chase them. I refuse to open my eyes to people around me. I judge people. I fear their judgments. I feel like such a mess. There is so much wrong with me, what on earth could be right?

I feel like nothing has changed ever since I started to come to terms with my depression and my identity. I feel like my life has plateaued at a low point. I see so much ahead of me, but I feel myself falling farther down this black abyss of doom, hopelessness, and misery. Perhaps I am just fatigued from a lack of sleep, but I think that my sleeplessness merely exacerbates my state.

I hate so much about UW right now. I truly feel like a number, a statistic on the bell curve. I feel that bell jar encasing me. I don't want this to happen, but I hate it so much. I tire of the stresses here and the feeling of being trapped by the past. I feel like I am falling apart here, not thriving. I know I have the potential to do great things, but this emotional struggle is holding me back in so many ways. Being here in Washington keeps my morale from blossoming. I tire of this cold, dark, and damp atmosphere. I tire of the conceited, arrogant, and hipster culture.

There are so many complaints I have right now, but chiefly I have one request, not a complaint at all. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I haven't felt alive for so long. Everything has felt like an eerie dream since this quarter began. I need to feel alive. I need to have a meaning to my life. I am so done with living in this misery, but I don't know how to get out.

"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook/Skylar Grey



"what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again"