I have just returned from one of the most wonderful vacations I have ever taken. Usually my trips focus on family, which is joyous, but for once I visited a new destination. New York is really what they say it is. It is beyond words. You walk down the street and suddenly there is an onslaught of different peoples babbling in foreign tongues and mixing together. The subway approaches and you sit down in the car next to some stranger and you can't help but feel some kind of kindred shared spirit despite the attempts to avoid each others' eyes. The park in the center of all the craziness: a refuge of quiet peacefulness. Towering skyscrapers that make you feel so small yet so immersed in the city. The city becomes part of you and you become part of the city. The art galleries and museums that penetrate into the soul of artistry and awaken the senses in unimaginable ways. And to think I only visited a few places in this grand city; I already feel like I've lived there.
Quickly we rush off to Toronto via New Jersey (which happens to be as depressing as is rumored). With a sudden halt we are in Canada where everything seems to mellow out. Toronto isn't very different from New York except it's about a quarter the size and much cleaner and safer. It's so quaint yet diverse. But my family there really made me think. My cousin is going to follow in his mother's footsteps and become an accountant. I even asked him if he was excited for this job, and his reply was a brusque "no." Despite the beautiful tree-lined streets and the lovely nannies that stroll the babies around town for wealthy parents of North York, there is a coldness to this culture. It seems so dismal to live a life of pampering to only become a moneyman accepting a dull life as if it were something to be proud of.
So while this doesn't not do justice to Toronto as a whole, which is also one of my favorite cities, my family there causes me to symbolize the city with a sort of simplistic satisfaction. It's as if living in such perfection leads one to become contented with only a mediocre future. New York on the other hand is exciting for me. And it really doesn't matter what city it is, but the point is that we all need to escape the boundaries that society has set for us. I could easily become just a lawyer or a businessman, but I want to make a difference to the world (If only I could do more instead of just talk). If anything, New York and Toronto just inspired me to be myself. I am going to go into this new school year with a fresh perspective. I think I've grown quite a bit this summer and I'm excited to apply my wisdom and my dreams to actual reality.
New York is like life. You get lost. It's crazy. You figure out part of it, but then you find out there's a whole other borough to get lost in again. There are people all around you and there are voices influencing you all the time. But in the midst of all the craziness of a city or just plain old living, you have to be you. You have to have faith in who you are. You have to accept that you are alive and on this planet for a reason. What a world it would be if we all tried to be ourselves.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
New York, New York
I will be in the Big Apple in 18 hours. I am so excited. The sights and sounds of the hustling and bustling city. The second largest city in the world! People form every country in the world congregating in this single location. The heightened senses yet resounding numbness I imagine standing in the middle of Times Square on a busy evening. The glorious art museums and the somber site of our nation's painful day of September 11th. The serenity of Central Park surrounded by the thriving businesses and international communications. Television, radio, newspapers. Theater, libraries, universities. The entrance to America at one point welcoming the immigrants through our idyllic symbol of liberty. Oh so much more. I can only imagine it all. I am officially excited for this venture.
It also seems to come at an appropriate time. I was stressed out about leaving right before school starts, and it is still quite stressful. But this is the perfect place for me to discover more about my identity. I can absorb the extravagant array of cultures and ideas there and learn more about who I am. I won't have the influence of my friends or peers. I won't be stressed by my duties at home (as much). I will be mostly disconnected and forced to take it all in. Although it won't be true separation, it will be enough to allow me to reflect on my life. Where I have been. Where I am now. And Where I want to and will go.
New York, here I come.
It also seems to come at an appropriate time. I was stressed out about leaving right before school starts, and it is still quite stressful. But this is the perfect place for me to discover more about my identity. I can absorb the extravagant array of cultures and ideas there and learn more about who I am. I won't have the influence of my friends or peers. I won't be stressed by my duties at home (as much). I will be mostly disconnected and forced to take it all in. Although it won't be true separation, it will be enough to allow me to reflect on my life. Where I have been. Where I am now. And Where I want to and will go.
New York, here I come.
Facebook.... Ouch
I have been spending some time on Facebook, maybe too much time. I looked at some photos from someone's summer experiences and I was shocked. One of my best friends had a spectacular birthday bash several months ago and I wasn't there. I'm hoping I was invited and unable to attend, but I don't think so. Even so it brings up misery. I try so hard to fit in with this group of friends. They are all musically inclined, and I'm not. They're mostly Asian and I'm only half. They are generally perfectionists and went to a different middle school. I want to be one of them. They are so close. They do so many things together. If they plan something they always invite each other.
I love the feeling of being invited. And the worst part of all this is that I have been invited in the past to people's things and I haven't been proud. I always take for granted the friends who accept me and care about me, while yearning for what I don't have. I just can't believe one of my best friends wouldn't have me at a birthday thing. I feel left out and ostracized. Is it my skin color? My interests? My lack of intelligence?
And the weirdest part is that I am treated so differently with different friends. My friends from middle school who I share little in common with other than shared experience are accepting and always call me the "genius kid." They know me as that kid who won that competition in middle school. They always treat me as some higher person. But even then I am not imbedded in their group. I don't share as many experiences as they do with each other. I'm slightly left out just because I don't live near them.
With my newer friends who I've met in the past three years (now such a long time!) I have had a clean slate. They have not known me as the smarty pants. In fact they already have their labels for their smarty pants. So when I hang with them I almost have to prove myself. And I try so hard. In fact I think I've devoted so much time to being a good friend to these people that I've allowed my grades and knowledge to slip. How much learning have I lost to be accepted by my peers?
And then there are the people I take for granted. The friends I always forget. The ones who invite me and I almost try to avoid it. I guess I must be a little likable if they want to invite me to their things. But it's almost too easy. I hate easy. I like challenges. I don't need to put much energy into these friendships. I just need to be myself. And the weird part about that is that it makes sense, yet I don't want that.
I guess the moral of all this is that I don't need to appease anyone. I don't need to be someone elses stereotype or portrait. I'm going to be friends with the people I care about and I am going to be myself. I am not going to be bullied around or pushed into obstacles to make friendships. I know my close friends and I am going to devote my time and energy directly towards them. While it may hurt to not go to that party, I guess I just have to live with it. One day I'll be invited. But perhaps I just need to change my focus to what I love: learning.
"I Don't Care" - Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier
I love the feeling of being invited. And the worst part of all this is that I have been invited in the past to people's things and I haven't been proud. I always take for granted the friends who accept me and care about me, while yearning for what I don't have. I just can't believe one of my best friends wouldn't have me at a birthday thing. I feel left out and ostracized. Is it my skin color? My interests? My lack of intelligence?
And the weirdest part is that I am treated so differently with different friends. My friends from middle school who I share little in common with other than shared experience are accepting and always call me the "genius kid." They know me as that kid who won that competition in middle school. They always treat me as some higher person. But even then I am not imbedded in their group. I don't share as many experiences as they do with each other. I'm slightly left out just because I don't live near them.
With my newer friends who I've met in the past three years (now such a long time!) I have had a clean slate. They have not known me as the smarty pants. In fact they already have their labels for their smarty pants. So when I hang with them I almost have to prove myself. And I try so hard. In fact I think I've devoted so much time to being a good friend to these people that I've allowed my grades and knowledge to slip. How much learning have I lost to be accepted by my peers?
And then there are the people I take for granted. The friends I always forget. The ones who invite me and I almost try to avoid it. I guess I must be a little likable if they want to invite me to their things. But it's almost too easy. I hate easy. I like challenges. I don't need to put much energy into these friendships. I just need to be myself. And the weird part about that is that it makes sense, yet I don't want that.
I guess the moral of all this is that I don't need to appease anyone. I don't need to be someone elses stereotype or portrait. I'm going to be friends with the people I care about and I am going to be myself. I am not going to be bullied around or pushed into obstacles to make friendships. I know my close friends and I am going to devote my time and energy directly towards them. While it may hurt to not go to that party, I guess I just have to live with it. One day I'll be invited. But perhaps I just need to change my focus to what I love: learning.
"I Don't Care" - Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Why Can't I?/Wow I'm Pathetic
I have only two days until I leave for New York. And I feel as if I will never be able to accomplish anything. So many people have gotten somewhere with their lives.
Completing college applications.
Organizing concerts for the benefit of the hungry.
Training for cross country or other sports.
Helping the community.
Working and getting paid.
Going places and learning new things.
Taking senior photographs.
So many things are being done. I watch so many people accomplish things. They don't fret too much over stuff, instead they do. The act. They make their aspirations realizations. Why can't I?
And the problem is I know I can. I climbed that mountain yesterday and saw that beautiful view. I felt accomplished. I felt that I had gotten somewhere. But when I came back down to the reality of school I just felt diminished. Nothing can take away all the effort I put forth for that hike and the reward of that awesome view. Nothing can take away my spirit. Nothing can take away my vigor. And so, I search for divine inspiration. Some sign. Some path. I feel incredibly lost. I want to hike that rigorous trail, but I can't find it. And even if it isn't clear I don't even know where I am going. I wish I had some simple answer. Or I wish I could divest my time and energy into a single goal and point. But life isn't a simple trail. Life is a relentless forest without any cleared trails (unless you inherit money or something). So I guess I will have to put my passion forth to cutting away the underbrush and moving forward the way I know best. Goalsetting and goalaccomplishing.
And which math class do I choose? That will be my challenge for decision-making. Oh and I must find the time to make that dream book I've been dreaming to create.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow... I took a break to get a new song, and then I realized...
Look at the title of my post. Read what I've written. It's so self-centered. All of this is. It's me complaining about how sad and pathetic my wonderful and easy suburban life is. I should cherish it. I should not be whining about it. I should use my energy that I receive from my easy access to food, water, and shelter for the benefit of the world. If anything I need to do that involves myself I need to meditate and think hard about the way I'm leading my life. I've been complaining for so long about my lack of energy and enthusiasm. So what? There are bigger things in life. I've been worrying over my schedule and how pitiful it is that I can't get what I want. But that's life. That's God's message to me. I'm totally losing focus towards my dreams. I dream of being someone who helps to make the world a better place. But how can I do that if all I care about is my self. I really need to step outside my box. I really need to just accept what God has given me. I may not have gotten the position I wanted for JSA. But I can turn that into something great. I may not have gotten my requested schedule, but I can take charge.
It's not about fighting the establishment or fitting in with it. It's not about twisting the world to match my ways. It's about leading a life with a purpose. It's about being thoughtful of humanity. It's about living beyond myself. I'm ashamed for these past two days of relentless self-pity and laziness. I've become so self-centered that I've forgotten the core of it all. I've worried so much about the little side steps to the dream that I've forgotten the dream. I've compared myself to others only to make me feel some sort of ironic sympathy.
Sometimes I wish people would give me a slap in the face when I am veering towards selfishness.
"If Everyone Cared" - Nickelback
"Amen I'm alive."
Now I need to "swallow my pride."
Completing college applications.
Organizing concerts for the benefit of the hungry.
Training for cross country or other sports.
Helping the community.
Working and getting paid.
Going places and learning new things.
Taking senior photographs.
So many things are being done. I watch so many people accomplish things. They don't fret too much over stuff, instead they do. The act. They make their aspirations realizations. Why can't I?
And the problem is I know I can. I climbed that mountain yesterday and saw that beautiful view. I felt accomplished. I felt that I had gotten somewhere. But when I came back down to the reality of school I just felt diminished. Nothing can take away all the effort I put forth for that hike and the reward of that awesome view. Nothing can take away my spirit. Nothing can take away my vigor. And so, I search for divine inspiration. Some sign. Some path. I feel incredibly lost. I want to hike that rigorous trail, but I can't find it. And even if it isn't clear I don't even know where I am going. I wish I had some simple answer. Or I wish I could divest my time and energy into a single goal and point. But life isn't a simple trail. Life is a relentless forest without any cleared trails (unless you inherit money or something). So I guess I will have to put my passion forth to cutting away the underbrush and moving forward the way I know best. Goalsetting and goalaccomplishing.
And which math class do I choose? That will be my challenge for decision-making. Oh and I must find the time to make that dream book I've been dreaming to create.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow... I took a break to get a new song, and then I realized...
Look at the title of my post. Read what I've written. It's so self-centered. All of this is. It's me complaining about how sad and pathetic my wonderful and easy suburban life is. I should cherish it. I should not be whining about it. I should use my energy that I receive from my easy access to food, water, and shelter for the benefit of the world. If anything I need to do that involves myself I need to meditate and think hard about the way I'm leading my life. I've been complaining for so long about my lack of energy and enthusiasm. So what? There are bigger things in life. I've been worrying over my schedule and how pitiful it is that I can't get what I want. But that's life. That's God's message to me. I'm totally losing focus towards my dreams. I dream of being someone who helps to make the world a better place. But how can I do that if all I care about is my self. I really need to step outside my box. I really need to just accept what God has given me. I may not have gotten the position I wanted for JSA. But I can turn that into something great. I may not have gotten my requested schedule, but I can take charge.
It's not about fighting the establishment or fitting in with it. It's not about twisting the world to match my ways. It's about leading a life with a purpose. It's about being thoughtful of humanity. It's about living beyond myself. I'm ashamed for these past two days of relentless self-pity and laziness. I've become so self-centered that I've forgotten the core of it all. I've worried so much about the little side steps to the dream that I've forgotten the dream. I've compared myself to others only to make me feel some sort of ironic sympathy.
Sometimes I wish people would give me a slap in the face when I am veering towards selfishness.
"If Everyone Cared" - Nickelback
"Amen I'm alive."
Now I need to "swallow my pride."
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!
Did you know there is a town in coastal Quebec called Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!? What a shock! There are exclamation points in the name of a city! How could this be? It completely breaks with convention and order. The apocalypse must be nearing!!!!
That's how I felt today. The sudden and sheer fall towards the end of the world. And just because I didn't get the schedule I wanted. But what's the point. I spent all day trying to fix my schedule and worrying about it and freaking out. It's natural for me to be a little (no a lot) neurotic. How much is too much? Today was definitely too much. I don't need to freak out. I need to calmly approach the situation. I did my fight today. I went up to the counseling office and told them straight up that the schedule would not work and I needed to talk immediately. And for once I was brave enough to face authority (adult to be specific)! And unfortunately nothing could be done. But still I cannot allow this to completely change my plans for school. So after fighting for the original plan I must be innovative. I must seek compromise and discover new ideas. I must be creative and clever. This is God's test to me.
I need more faith. But where do I find it? I am a skeptic. I always believe in the worst in people and the world. It is so pitiful. I think I can change through faith. If only I could get an omen or a sign. Perhaps I do every day.
Anyways back to the freaking out. So I'm sure when this city in Quebec registered its name it faced protest and shock. But today it is famous for this name. Although it didn't follow convention it ended up finding a new path. So I am going to clear a new path that no other person hath led. That is true leadership. I will not fear this new challenge. It won't be easy facing this awkward schedule. But it is life.
And when we put it all in perspective we realize how silly we are. A little over 24 hours ago everyone discovered their schedules. Some people were perfectly pleased. Others like me were in shock and utter misery. But it's just a schedule. What's more important is what we do with this system. We can let it destroy us or we can turn it into a benefit. And here we actually have a choice for our classes. If we don't like that AP course we can always switch to the miserably similar other one. It's not the end of the world. I know people who have only one AP class ever in their schools. Or people who take AP courses online! And in the end it's just high school. What really matters is how we lead our lives. And I have goals. If my plans don't work out perfectly I'm just being too rigid.
So when we've fought the system and battered down the hatches until the last straw of energy was used, all we can do is ....
...
...
...
laugh.
watch this. tell me if it makes you laugh.
That's how I felt today. The sudden and sheer fall towards the end of the world. And just because I didn't get the schedule I wanted. But what's the point. I spent all day trying to fix my schedule and worrying about it and freaking out. It's natural for me to be a little (no a lot) neurotic. How much is too much? Today was definitely too much. I don't need to freak out. I need to calmly approach the situation. I did my fight today. I went up to the counseling office and told them straight up that the schedule would not work and I needed to talk immediately. And for once I was brave enough to face authority (adult to be specific)! And unfortunately nothing could be done. But still I cannot allow this to completely change my plans for school. So after fighting for the original plan I must be innovative. I must seek compromise and discover new ideas. I must be creative and clever. This is God's test to me.
I need more faith. But where do I find it? I am a skeptic. I always believe in the worst in people and the world. It is so pitiful. I think I can change through faith. If only I could get an omen or a sign. Perhaps I do every day.
Anyways back to the freaking out. So I'm sure when this city in Quebec registered its name it faced protest and shock. But today it is famous for this name. Although it didn't follow convention it ended up finding a new path. So I am going to clear a new path that no other person hath led. That is true leadership. I will not fear this new challenge. It won't be easy facing this awkward schedule. But it is life.
And when we put it all in perspective we realize how silly we are. A little over 24 hours ago everyone discovered their schedules. Some people were perfectly pleased. Others like me were in shock and utter misery. But it's just a schedule. What's more important is what we do with this system. We can let it destroy us or we can turn it into a benefit. And here we actually have a choice for our classes. If we don't like that AP course we can always switch to the miserably similar other one. It's not the end of the world. I know people who have only one AP class ever in their schools. Or people who take AP courses online! And in the end it's just high school. What really matters is how we lead our lives. And I have goals. If my plans don't work out perfectly I'm just being too rigid.
So when we've fought the system and battered down the hatches until the last straw of energy was used, all we can do is ....
...
...
...
laugh.
watch this. tell me if it makes you laugh.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Fight
Fight. Fight for your life. Fight for your rights. Fight for faith. Fight for what you believe in. Fight for what is right. Fight for liberty. Fight for freedom. Fight for humanity. Fight for peace.
I'm not calling for violence, I'm pleading for action. It is too often that we let the flow of life control us. I know that thanks to so much that happened today. I have so little time until my trip to New York City. I really have a lot I want to do until then and I know I can do by I have to give it my umph. And for once I have that energy and spirit to do this.
I think about V for Vendetta. In the movie society just allows government to slowly take over their lives until they learn to just accept the lack of human rights and the fear. But V shows Evie that they need to fight for a better life. It is soooooo easy to just accept life as it is. It is so easy to be afraid to face that mountain or that test. It is so easy to avoid someone you like. It is so easy to let people harass you. It is so easy to not try in school. It is so easy to depend on drugs and alcohol. It is so easy to let time fly by and follow no self-discipline. It is so easy to not care about the world. But in the end we realize how miserable this way of life is. We can't always live contented with life the way it is. We cannot be contented with fear!
The school totally messed up my schedule. But I must be brave. Even though in large capital letters they warned us that our schedules could not be changed, they cannot back down to me. I will not let the school control my life. I will lead. I will take charge of my path. I will not recklessly and aimlessly wander through life letting its currents take over. I will be the boat that flows up the rapids and torrents despite the struggle. Because in the end we reach the paradise we aim for. In the end even if we don't get what we want we learn something. Even if we are punished harshly for our bravery we weaken the forces of fear and that dominate and control us.
Maybe I am just against the establishment. But I don't actually act that way. For once I am going to take charge. I am going to fight for the schedule I want. I am going to fight to live with a purpose. I am going to fight to accomplish my goals. I am going to fight. And if anything I am going to win!
"I Will Not Bow" Breaking Benjamin
If the title isn't obvious enough.... I WILL NOT BOW...
Who will you not bow down to?
I'm not calling for violence, I'm pleading for action. It is too often that we let the flow of life control us. I know that thanks to so much that happened today. I have so little time until my trip to New York City. I really have a lot I want to do until then and I know I can do by I have to give it my umph. And for once I have that energy and spirit to do this.
I think about V for Vendetta. In the movie society just allows government to slowly take over their lives until they learn to just accept the lack of human rights and the fear. But V shows Evie that they need to fight for a better life. It is soooooo easy to just accept life as it is. It is so easy to be afraid to face that mountain or that test. It is so easy to avoid someone you like. It is so easy to let people harass you. It is so easy to not try in school. It is so easy to depend on drugs and alcohol. It is so easy to let time fly by and follow no self-discipline. It is so easy to not care about the world. But in the end we realize how miserable this way of life is. We can't always live contented with life the way it is. We cannot be contented with fear!
The school totally messed up my schedule. But I must be brave. Even though in large capital letters they warned us that our schedules could not be changed, they cannot back down to me. I will not let the school control my life. I will lead. I will take charge of my path. I will not recklessly and aimlessly wander through life letting its currents take over. I will be the boat that flows up the rapids and torrents despite the struggle. Because in the end we reach the paradise we aim for. In the end even if we don't get what we want we learn something. Even if we are punished harshly for our bravery we weaken the forces of fear and that dominate and control us.
Maybe I am just against the establishment. But I don't actually act that way. For once I am going to take charge. I am going to fight for the schedule I want. I am going to fight to live with a purpose. I am going to fight to accomplish my goals. I am going to fight. And if anything I am going to win!
"I Will Not Bow" Breaking Benjamin
If the title isn't obvious enough.... I WILL NOT BOW...
Who will you not bow down to?
Friday, August 14, 2009
So Much More
"These Two Hands" Hana Pestle
The lyrics of this song present such clear metaphors to the state of my present life. While their are many possible meanings, my interpretation is that I don't want to be trapped in a box or held back by fear. It's not just my hands. I don't want to be slowed down by my ego or mindset. I don't want to be halted by insecurity or laziness. I don't want the physical barriers like sleepiness or the mental roadblocks like apprehension to drag me down.
I also compare it to my life. Hana Pestle has amazing talent with her two hands through her music. Similarly I have had my own talent in the past. However I cannot allow that sole talent to control my life. I need to move forward and be more than just the person who won that competition. I need to be more than just my talent.
All it takes is:
"One breath, one step
is keeping me here
I've nothing left
and nothing to fear
I've come too far now..."
On a completely separate note, the song "Second Chance" by Shinedown also resonated deeply today.
The point of the song, the differences between oneself and his parents is shown so distinctly in the video. It's a provoking thought. The idea that we need to be separated from the things that hold us back to move forward. Sadly for the girl in the video it was her parents. But for me as well I see the need to separate from my parents. I don't need a second chance as much as I need a fresh life. I have lived under the wing of my parents for so long, but I have not had a chance to make the tough choices I need to make to be independent. I need to lead my own path. I need to find that job not because my parents want me to get a job but because I want to get that job. I'm thinking of creating a goal book. A way to remind me of the ultimate goals I yearn for.
But in all of life's craziness and self-introspection I guess we just need to have fun sometimes. I guess I just need to segregate my serious and stressful parts of my life from my free and exciting parts. Life is coming together - finally.
The lyrics of this song present such clear metaphors to the state of my present life. While their are many possible meanings, my interpretation is that I don't want to be trapped in a box or held back by fear. It's not just my hands. I don't want to be slowed down by my ego or mindset. I don't want to be halted by insecurity or laziness. I don't want the physical barriers like sleepiness or the mental roadblocks like apprehension to drag me down.
I also compare it to my life. Hana Pestle has amazing talent with her two hands through her music. Similarly I have had my own talent in the past. However I cannot allow that sole talent to control my life. I need to move forward and be more than just the person who won that competition. I need to be more than just my talent.
All it takes is:
"One breath, one step
is keeping me here
I've nothing left
and nothing to fear
I've come too far now..."
On a completely separate note, the song "Second Chance" by Shinedown also resonated deeply today.
The point of the song, the differences between oneself and his parents is shown so distinctly in the video. It's a provoking thought. The idea that we need to be separated from the things that hold us back to move forward. Sadly for the girl in the video it was her parents. But for me as well I see the need to separate from my parents. I don't need a second chance as much as I need a fresh life. I have lived under the wing of my parents for so long, but I have not had a chance to make the tough choices I need to make to be independent. I need to lead my own path. I need to find that job not because my parents want me to get a job but because I want to get that job. I'm thinking of creating a goal book. A way to remind me of the ultimate goals I yearn for.
But in all of life's craziness and self-introspection I guess we just need to have fun sometimes. I guess I just need to segregate my serious and stressful parts of my life from my free and exciting parts. Life is coming together - finally.
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