Today was miserable. A dearth of hugs. Behind on homework. Unfocused. Teachers lecturing me on my stress level and a degradation of my work quality. Friends questioning my stress level. ASB stress. College stress. Homework stress. Peer stress. Internal stress. I don't have to ramble about all of the stress, but I wish I could talk to someone about it.
I feel incredibly lonely. My best friends seem so unreachable. One seems hostile. Another is awkward. One is totally busy and overwhelmed. And I can't seem to find time for any friend, even the ones with open arms. I am exhausted. I just need someone to reach out to me right now. I guess I need to open myself up, but I am dying inside. I feel like I am rotting away. I feel I have been sent through a meat grinder and a microwave sucking away all my enthusiasm, joy, and happiness.
I will start tomorrow with my plan:
1) Acknowledge the stress
2) Vocalize the stress, write the stress, anything within less than a minute
3) Breathe
4) Think
5) Decide what action to take
6) Breathe
7) Clear the mind and set out all the priorities
8) Delegate
9) Breathe
10) Commit to one thing at a time
11) Then handle more, but slowly
12) Breathe
13) Consider stress level, can I do all that I am committed to?
14) If yes go on to add more stuff, if no, then get what's needed done
15) Breathe
16) Look back and meditate
17) Move forward.
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service
In the end, today was good. But I need to just be myself. I need to remove the gucky layers of stress that have covered the real me. And be inspired. And be happy. And find solace.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Competition
Today after class my friends had a debate with me. They believed that the Kumon method of tutoring, repeated memorization, competing against classmates, ultimate aim for perfection, was beneficial for learning in this society because kids need to be prepared for the competitive world. But my belief is that we instill values of competition in children that are unnecessary pressures.
Sure, competitiveness can be beneficial toward getting things done. But only if you want kids to feel immense stress. And it stifles free thinking and creativity. The focus on competition is being the best, leaving little room for friendship, love, and caring. Competition doesn't mean accomplishing dreams, rather it means defeating those around you. At high school we have class rank, and competition drives us. I feel it everywhere: "What college are you applying to? UW isn't good enough for me. What did you get on that test? I got a stupid B+, it's the end of the world! Can I have your assignment; I don't want to fail? What's wrong with cheating? I have a 4.0 so listen to me."
What do people stand for? What's the point of all this cutthroat competitiveness. It really just hurts. The focus on school makes some people downright cold, and I feel that I have lost them as friends. Others begin to have this arrogant attitude. While others still get caught up in it, but never seem to reach that aim of perfection. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone around us, but as Mr. Haff would say, "You are not special."
And it is so true. Nobody's special. Nobody really is better. But when we rank and compare ourselves constantly to one another we only lose out. Because we are lazy. Most people don't become inspired by competition, they just cheat, or plow others to win. And plus, perfection is impossible. Competition just provides a system for people, a way of making sure they are succeeding, for people who don't know what to do with their lives.
I'm glad to have a dream. I have a goal for my life, something to look forward to. I think most kids are missing that. I think most people believe that the only dream is college, or that next party, and to be the top of the class. I once was one of those kids, and I still am largely trapped in the cycle of competition, but I understand its evils so much better now.
When I won those geography bees and was declared the most likely to succeed in middle school I had huge self-esteem. It feels great to be on top. But I crushed everyone beneath me likewise. I built self-confidence and an ego. And the moment I found out that everyone was moving onward to greater things, I felt miserable.
If you live your life in constant competition, you may be happy every once in a while when you reach the top, but you can't stay there forever. One day you'll be kicked out (like eventually Robert Mugabe will be) and you won't be able to control it. We all just have to realize that there is more to life than the destination and the milestones; in fact we just need to realize the greater context. We all must abandon the closed-mindedness of competition if we want to actual discover our full potential.
Together we become better. Together we realize. Friendship trumps competition.
At least in my world
"2Nite" - The Cataracts
Sure, competitiveness can be beneficial toward getting things done. But only if you want kids to feel immense stress. And it stifles free thinking and creativity. The focus on competition is being the best, leaving little room for friendship, love, and caring. Competition doesn't mean accomplishing dreams, rather it means defeating those around you. At high school we have class rank, and competition drives us. I feel it everywhere: "What college are you applying to? UW isn't good enough for me. What did you get on that test? I got a stupid B+, it's the end of the world! Can I have your assignment; I don't want to fail? What's wrong with cheating? I have a 4.0 so listen to me."
What do people stand for? What's the point of all this cutthroat competitiveness. It really just hurts. The focus on school makes some people downright cold, and I feel that I have lost them as friends. Others begin to have this arrogant attitude. While others still get caught up in it, but never seem to reach that aim of perfection. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone around us, but as Mr. Haff would say, "You are not special."
And it is so true. Nobody's special. Nobody really is better. But when we rank and compare ourselves constantly to one another we only lose out. Because we are lazy. Most people don't become inspired by competition, they just cheat, or plow others to win. And plus, perfection is impossible. Competition just provides a system for people, a way of making sure they are succeeding, for people who don't know what to do with their lives.
I'm glad to have a dream. I have a goal for my life, something to look forward to. I think most kids are missing that. I think most people believe that the only dream is college, or that next party, and to be the top of the class. I once was one of those kids, and I still am largely trapped in the cycle of competition, but I understand its evils so much better now.
When I won those geography bees and was declared the most likely to succeed in middle school I had huge self-esteem. It feels great to be on top. But I crushed everyone beneath me likewise. I built self-confidence and an ego. And the moment I found out that everyone was moving onward to greater things, I felt miserable.
If you live your life in constant competition, you may be happy every once in a while when you reach the top, but you can't stay there forever. One day you'll be kicked out (like eventually Robert Mugabe will be) and you won't be able to control it. We all just have to realize that there is more to life than the destination and the milestones; in fact we just need to realize the greater context. We all must abandon the closed-mindedness of competition if we want to actual discover our full potential.
Together we become better. Together we realize. Friendship trumps competition.
At least in my world
"2Nite" - The Cataracts
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Unlike Me
"Unlike Me" - Kate Havnevik
There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.
The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel this way often. I feel like time is so unimportant, yet it manages to control my life. I feel so separated from my friends, as if nobody understands me. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I lead a pointless life. I feel a pressure to enjoy this life. I feel a roller coaster of emotions. But I alwasy feel that unlike me, everyone else seems to handle it. Everyone else seems to manage the stresses. And even the stressed out people know how to have fun.
I just need someone. I just need some friends. I just need to know that things will be okay.
Today was yucky. After all the euphoria of homecoming I am so tired and out of focus. I came to school with barely four hours of sleep and an incredible load of stress. I finished the bulk of the doldrums and went to lunch, excited to finally eat out with my friends - until I found out that they left early from third period (the class I tried to get into earlier this year). It shouldn't cause me such grief, but I ended up spending lunch in the melancholy library, unhappily drowning in the misery of study; I didn't even have much homework to make up.
But that's life, I guess. My friends try to console me. Maybe I demand too much. But I spend so much time alone now. I never feel included anymore. I tried so long to reach out to my friends, but now I need them to reach out to me. I feel like all the effort I put into my friendships has been unrequited. I just want a hug. Or a hello. And if possible for someone to reach out to me. But in my desperation I am now talking to the ASB teacher at lunch. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I feel like nobody cares. But I need my friends to survive. And I don't have time right now to find new ones. I don't have the energy to go out searching for them half my lunch in the cold only to find out they aren't at school at all.
Where can I go if I am surrounded by cold shoulders?
There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.
The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster
Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel this way often. I feel like time is so unimportant, yet it manages to control my life. I feel so separated from my friends, as if nobody understands me. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I lead a pointless life. I feel a pressure to enjoy this life. I feel a roller coaster of emotions. But I alwasy feel that unlike me, everyone else seems to handle it. Everyone else seems to manage the stresses. And even the stressed out people know how to have fun.
I just need someone. I just need some friends. I just need to know that things will be okay.
Today was yucky. After all the euphoria of homecoming I am so tired and out of focus. I came to school with barely four hours of sleep and an incredible load of stress. I finished the bulk of the doldrums and went to lunch, excited to finally eat out with my friends - until I found out that they left early from third period (the class I tried to get into earlier this year). It shouldn't cause me such grief, but I ended up spending lunch in the melancholy library, unhappily drowning in the misery of study; I didn't even have much homework to make up.
But that's life, I guess. My friends try to console me. Maybe I demand too much. But I spend so much time alone now. I never feel included anymore. I tried so long to reach out to my friends, but now I need them to reach out to me. I feel like all the effort I put into my friendships has been unrequited. I just want a hug. Or a hello. And if possible for someone to reach out to me. But in my desperation I am now talking to the ASB teacher at lunch. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I feel like nobody cares. But I need my friends to survive. And I don't have time right now to find new ones. I don't have the energy to go out searching for them half my lunch in the cold only to find out they aren't at school at all.
Where can I go if I am surrounded by cold shoulders?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Is There an Answer?
Getting my life together isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's nearly ten now, and I haven't even started my homework that I've had one week to complete and is now due tomorrow. Why? Why can't I stop procrastinating? Why am I always behind? Why am I so easily distracted? Why can't I focus on the work? Is it a dangerous malady or is it just laziness? Is it a genetic trait or is it some learned method? I imagine how much more I could have done with my life if I had avoided so much distraction. I am disappointed in myself for succumbing to the Internet, music, phone calls, television, and chats. I can't believe how much time I have wasted just being pitiful. I think drinking would have been more effective than all the time I have wasted.
I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?
I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.
I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?
"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha
I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?
I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.
I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?
"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Careful, Carefree, Care
The past twenty-four hours have been thought-provoking and incredibly self-introspective.
It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.
The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.
The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.
I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.
I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.
And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.
"Careful" - Paramore
It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.
The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.
The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.
I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.
I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.
And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.
"Careful" - Paramore
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thrill
I awoke groggily at 5:30, and quickly annihilated my alarm. Then I woke up from my Dad surprised that it was 6:00. My heart raced. I had to take a shower, eat, prep for school, make my lunch, and get there by 6:30. And I didn't. I didn't even get to where I needed to go until 6:45. But that's life. Then I set up for the assembly, barely awake. I continued to tread lightly through the day, unable to really comprehend it all. I couldn't appreciate the small wonderful moments. But I tried. I was happy today. I felt satisfied that we had a wonderful spirit chair. I was astounded by our class spirit. And we dominated the competition, culminating in the "check" made on butcher paper. But it was quite the euphoria. Engulfed in the spirit of the Senior section, surrounded by the excitement of my friends, discussing the hot topics, drinking Naked juice, and eating fatty food.
The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.
Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.
To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!
"Homecoming" - Hey Monday
The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.
Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.
To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!
"Homecoming" - Hey Monday
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Want
We prefer to be told sugar-coated ideals and optimistic thoughts. We like the people who try to make us happy. But the words that stick with us are the ones that hurt. And we're hurt because we either are insecure about what has been said or we are afraid of what has been said. Words only hurt when they reveal something uncomfortable. For some swearing reveals discomfort. For others it may be lustful imagery. And for others the talk of grades or timeliness may have the same affect. But no matter what, we seem to throw aside the petty pep talks in exchange for the harsher, yet more penetrating words.
We want to be told everything is alright. And it can be a good thing when the emotions of misery and desperation overtake everything. But we need to stop. We can live life pretending that a few words will fix all our problems. Kind actions speak so much louder than words. Meaningful, yet terse statements make for more impact than verbose and eloquent speeches. Yes, there are times for beautiful language, but sometimes we spend too much time with our heads in the clouds pretending everything will be fixed with pretty words that we lose touch with the ground.
So please I hope that I can detract from the want for unsustainable fluff, and accept the criticisms, realities, and discomforts of the world. If not I will only be more fearful of the world.
And fear holds us all back.
"Headlock" Imogen Heap
We want to be told everything is alright. And it can be a good thing when the emotions of misery and desperation overtake everything. But we need to stop. We can live life pretending that a few words will fix all our problems. Kind actions speak so much louder than words. Meaningful, yet terse statements make for more impact than verbose and eloquent speeches. Yes, there are times for beautiful language, but sometimes we spend too much time with our heads in the clouds pretending everything will be fixed with pretty words that we lose touch with the ground.
So please I hope that I can detract from the want for unsustainable fluff, and accept the criticisms, realities, and discomforts of the world. If not I will only be more fearful of the world.
And fear holds us all back.
"Headlock" Imogen Heap
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