There's a lot to think about in the future. College letters are in one month. Decisions are in two. Prom is in three months and five days. Graduation is six days after that. AP tests, Hawaii, birthdays, fundraisers, scholarship applications, martial arts, tolo, runs, community service, temple, family, friends, work, school, and sleep all come in between all that. Yet it all seems so predictable. Life is about the unpredictable. Life is about the moments that really make your heart beat fast. The moments that make you cry uncontrollably. The ones that make you laugh without end. The physical exhaustion or mental exhaustion that makes you collapse, yet shows your bravest and strongest moments. The bitter end to the tensions that bind us. The war and the peace. The mistakes and the accomplishments.
I spent this weekend mostly detached from life. My movie with friends was fun and relaxing. I needed that. The rest of my weekend was Olympic filled and dull. I did homework, and watched tv. I loved the thrill of the hockey game today, gold medal match with the tightest fight between Canada and America. It's so marvelous to have your team win after all that pent up emotion.
But the Olympics are over. My last Olympics at home. My last February at home. Life is racing by. I cannot let it just pass. I wish people understood how I felt. I feel so trapped by so many of my own fears that I cannot grasp these moments. But we have to. Tomorrow there could be an 8.8 earthquake, or I could crash my car. At least I can try to live for the moment.
Love. Do I fight for it? Do I wait for it to come to me? Do I make myself look better? Do I sulk and hide in the corner? Do I start smoking? Do I open my heart more? I don't even know who I like. I don't even know what it really feels like. I feel like I have never really had a crush before. Yet I feel like I have.
Life ahead is scary. I am not afraid though. I have made so many mistakes this year. I have fallen so much. I am barely pulling through, but I've made it this far. I haven't succumbed to the fate of Sylvia Plath. I am alive and that's all that matters.
"Nara" - E.S. Posthumus
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Addiction to Service?
I think I am suffering withdrawal symptoms from lack of community service. Awesome. Thank god I am teaching Hebrew tomorrow.
So many people live their lives without doing anything to help. I definitely am one of the selfish people on Earth. It's easy. It's comfortable. I can focus on myself, play sporcle, do homework, watch tv, and be comfortable. But comfort definitely doesn't equal happiness. People make me uncomfortable. Time makes me uncomfortable. Risk makes me uncomfortable. I am so closed off from the world. I am so closed minded. I see myself in so many people. I am too comfortable with my messes, and too easily stressed by the thought of cleaning them up.
I keep thinking recently that I have burned out. Then again I have never lived as much as I do know. I have stronger friendships than ever before in my life. I have more to do in my life. College. Scholarship apps. Community Service. Work. School (never easier). Martial Arts. Health. Leadership. And yet I am so limited by all this because I can't seem to grasp it all. I am so easily overwhelmed. I feel so weak. I feel like I am declining. But I am not. I just need to find balance. Everything in moderation. Limit my internet use, for example. That's my goal for this next week. No Olympics, no crazy workload, just a focus on sleep, friends, scholarships, and school. Nothing else. Avoid sporcle. Avoid facebook. Maybe blog. But less wandering. Less aimlessness. Life is about purpose.
I know so many people who procrastinate so much. They almost treat it like it is a good thing. I make plans with people and they promise to arrive somewhere at some time, say 10 o'clock. Yet they manage to come at 10:30, 11, or even later. It ruins all the fun. And it bothers me that they blow it off like its no big deal. And each individual time it isn't. But it messes up my life when my friends and peers are late. It's important to take life a little less seriously, but how can it be a good thing to be late? For me it's an issue of dishonesty and trust, that's all.
I need some more uncomfortable experiences in my life so I can write more!
Off to the skies, thrive on the ground.
"Down" - Something Corporate
So many people live their lives without doing anything to help. I definitely am one of the selfish people on Earth. It's easy. It's comfortable. I can focus on myself, play sporcle, do homework, watch tv, and be comfortable. But comfort definitely doesn't equal happiness. People make me uncomfortable. Time makes me uncomfortable. Risk makes me uncomfortable. I am so closed off from the world. I am so closed minded. I see myself in so many people. I am too comfortable with my messes, and too easily stressed by the thought of cleaning them up.
I keep thinking recently that I have burned out. Then again I have never lived as much as I do know. I have stronger friendships than ever before in my life. I have more to do in my life. College. Scholarship apps. Community Service. Work. School (never easier). Martial Arts. Health. Leadership. And yet I am so limited by all this because I can't seem to grasp it all. I am so easily overwhelmed. I feel so weak. I feel like I am declining. But I am not. I just need to find balance. Everything in moderation. Limit my internet use, for example. That's my goal for this next week. No Olympics, no crazy workload, just a focus on sleep, friends, scholarships, and school. Nothing else. Avoid sporcle. Avoid facebook. Maybe blog. But less wandering. Less aimlessness. Life is about purpose.
I know so many people who procrastinate so much. They almost treat it like it is a good thing. I make plans with people and they promise to arrive somewhere at some time, say 10 o'clock. Yet they manage to come at 10:30, 11, or even later. It ruins all the fun. And it bothers me that they blow it off like its no big deal. And each individual time it isn't. But it messes up my life when my friends and peers are late. It's important to take life a little less seriously, but how can it be a good thing to be late? For me it's an issue of dishonesty and trust, that's all.
I need some more uncomfortable experiences in my life so I can write more!
Off to the skies, thrive on the ground.
"Down" - Something Corporate
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Seas of Craziness
Did you watch the ladies figure skating short program tonight? I saw Kim Yu-Na, the queen of figure skating, Mao Asada, the technical master, and Miki Ando, the athlete. But the most inspirational performance was the emotional skate of Joannie Rochette of my adopted country for the Olympics, Canada. Her mother, her biggest fan, passed away three days ago. Her tears streamed after she gave the most memorable skate ever - not only was the emotional presence gigantic, her score was her personal best! I cried after watching her. I cannot imagine going out in front of millions to skate against some of the most crazy skaters in the world, yet she is still in medal contention against the queens of figure skating. Come on Joannie, you can get a medal! I believe in you and you have one gold through your heart.
Life is about the seas of craziness. We often fall in ponds, lakes, even oceans of misery, despair, and chaos. Those who can swim and escape are the inspirations of this world. Most people barely tread the water, and often drown, accepting the seas grasp. However we cannot let the sea overtake us. It is scary to face the waves, sharks, and winds. It is frightening to face the obstacles, fears, and grievances. Nevertheless we must swim.
Life is crazy. Life is marvelous. Every day I am learning some new. Every day I am being more inspired to live. Every day I am becoming more human. Every day I am becoming more of me. I see so many people who are afraid of discomfort. So many people are afraid to take risks to become better humans. My boss for example appears to be so afraid to speak to her employees, and only knows how to criticize or speak to us like children. I cannot assume, but I feel like she lives in her little box, afraid to face the discomfort of new approaches. Then again, Kumon itself is all about fearing those new approaches. The reason none of these new ways of learning don't work is because everyone is afraid to figure them out. People are so afraid in this world to try new things.
Yes there are consequences, but if we don't venture out into the sea we will never know what is on the other side.
"Go Do" - Jonsi
Life is about the seas of craziness. We often fall in ponds, lakes, even oceans of misery, despair, and chaos. Those who can swim and escape are the inspirations of this world. Most people barely tread the water, and often drown, accepting the seas grasp. However we cannot let the sea overtake us. It is scary to face the waves, sharks, and winds. It is frightening to face the obstacles, fears, and grievances. Nevertheless we must swim.
Life is crazy. Life is marvelous. Every day I am learning some new. Every day I am being more inspired to live. Every day I am becoming more human. Every day I am becoming more of me. I see so many people who are afraid of discomfort. So many people are afraid to take risks to become better humans. My boss for example appears to be so afraid to speak to her employees, and only knows how to criticize or speak to us like children. I cannot assume, but I feel like she lives in her little box, afraid to face the discomfort of new approaches. Then again, Kumon itself is all about fearing those new approaches. The reason none of these new ways of learning don't work is because everyone is afraid to figure them out. People are so afraid in this world to try new things.
Yes there are consequences, but if we don't venture out into the sea we will never know what is on the other side.
"Go Do" - Jonsi
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 5: Chandler, AZ - Unspoken Misery
Today we finally are leaving the Valley of the Sun. I needed a book and new shoes, so we drove down another monotonous freeway to another ubiquitous mall in Chandler, another typical suburb. I felt so exhausted and I had no reason for it. I was perturbed by the smallest frustration, like some prissy Beverly Hills boy. All this sunshine, farmy air, and strip mall suburbia was really getting to me. After all my experiences and conflicts this week, I felt ashamed for my restlessness in the mall, but suburban malls are really boring especially with my family.
My parents really do treat life, family, and everything like work. There is a to-do list in my household. Someone is to blame for every mishap. However we seem to never be happy. We all complain about everything, especially each other. It's so sad that we cannot enjoy each others' company, especially awkward through our lack of conversation. We sit there at lunch with nothing to speak about. I feel like my entire family is lost like me. It is really sad. Other than the necessities of a family, a house, chaffeuring to extracurricular activities, and of course the good ole' family dinner, we have no bond. Maybe that's all one needs in a family. I just hope I can raise a better family than the one I have.
My new shoes are not exactly what I wanted. My whole life is not exactly what I want. Nothing ever seems to be perfect, but that's what is spectacular about life. These are problems everywhere. There are wonders everywhere. If life wasn't crazy, it would all be one giant, flat, dull suburb in the Valley of the Sun.
Goodbye Gilbert, Chandler, Mesa, Phoenix, and the non-stop list of Wild West suburbs. I love you Washington, your hills, incessant rain, and awkward culture.
"Hello Seattle" - Owl City
My parents really do treat life, family, and everything like work. There is a to-do list in my household. Someone is to blame for every mishap. However we seem to never be happy. We all complain about everything, especially each other. It's so sad that we cannot enjoy each others' company, especially awkward through our lack of conversation. We sit there at lunch with nothing to speak about. I feel like my entire family is lost like me. It is really sad. Other than the necessities of a family, a house, chaffeuring to extracurricular activities, and of course the good ole' family dinner, we have no bond. Maybe that's all one needs in a family. I just hope I can raise a better family than the one I have.
My new shoes are not exactly what I wanted. My whole life is not exactly what I want. Nothing ever seems to be perfect, but that's what is spectacular about life. These are problems everywhere. There are wonders everywhere. If life wasn't crazy, it would all be one giant, flat, dull suburb in the Valley of the Sun.
Goodbye Gilbert, Chandler, Mesa, Phoenix, and the non-stop list of Wild West suburbs. I love you Washington, your hills, incessant rain, and awkward culture.
"Hello Seattle" - Owl City
Day 4: Glendale, AZ - Comparison
I went to dinner with one of my dad's business partners in the dull suburb of Glendale. As always we spoke of each others' families and all the bragging and one-upping began. Of course we did not blatantly brag about ourselves, but we always put our best image forward. We never met the kid of the other family, but they sure did seem perfect. The boy, "Andy," was the ideal child, doing his homework immediately after school, sleeping promptly at nine, and setting his bed perfectly. Sometimes I wish I was that focused and regimented, especially after all my whining and fighting with my sister that night about our beds and other trivialities, I wonder why I can't be like everyone else. I wish I was a kind, caring, and loving, brother. I wish I was the ideal son who plays football, has confidence, does not worry, but instead I am me. I definitely should change some of my more hideous habits like my whining and worry, but I don't need to bhe the perfect Andy or some Olympian. I am me, and I need to be happy with that. I am determined to live to my fullest potential, but the mistakes, failures, and lassitudes make me real.
"The Prayer" - Bloc Party
"The Prayer" - Bloc Party
Day 4: Sedona, AZ - Vortex
When you're in the Phoenix suburbs you leave the Valley of the Sun to have fun. This morning we drove pas the incessant sprawl bleeding over the desert out north through the rolling hills, valleys, and mesas to Sedona, red rock country. This is a unique place. The adobe houses and gorgeous views seem so idyllic. The area is harsh, barren, yet verdant with a bitterly refreshing wind.
Then we head to the so called "vortexes" after lunch. Supposedly at these beautiful vistas, there are massive amounts of energy. To me it's all mumbo jumbo, but there is something awe-inspiring about climbing to the top of a butte and soaking up all that sunshine, wind, and landscape. The layered red rock, and forested valleys brought about a euphoric feeling.
While I felt a rush of happiness it was time to move to a different vortex, so-called inflow because it is supposed to inspire introspective thought. Normally I don't believe this stuff, but since I was here I lowered my prejudices and placed my faith in nature. Amongst the spectacle of the Bonyton Canyon, I suddenly was overwhelmed with thought. I climbed to a comfortable place on a butte ledge and believed in those high rock walls. I peered up the faces of the canyon to the snowy ledges and all my worries and fears intoxicated me. I asked God all these questions about life and the harsh wind against my shirt seemed to signal some guidance.
I realized that courage, confidence, and faith are really key to life. There is so little I can do to change people around me, but through courage, confidence, and faith, I can be the person I want to be. I need courage to be different. As I queried the energies of the canyon about all my friendship and fears, I realized that I have to just lead my own path instead of comfortably allowing others to guide my way. Through my personal courage I can find and retain that identity I yearn for. If I have the confidence to take the leaps and risk to build relationships and myself, I can be more human, more in tune with my dreams. I don't know what will happen in my future, but faith will help. I need to plow my own path. With faith I can trust that everything will work out; I can lead my life fearlessly.
These vortexes may be real or fake, but Sedona really hit me. Nothing in life is truly magical or perfect, but I feel that life is meant to be that way. Maybe we need to believe in tackiness sometimes or take ourselves outside our comfort zones more often.
I feel like I am encased as a youth in a series of thick sheets of bubble wrap. Some people I know have shredded away many layers of plastic, but most of us, even into our adult years only pop a few of the bubbles and find a comfortable place suffocating inside the plastic. We suddenly are frightened by the sound of popping, the small mishaps in life, and stop trying to break free. Nobody is ever totally free from the bubble wrap, but I hope I can clear out the plastic sheets that cocoon me and be more real, more human, more me.
"Drive" - Incubus
Then we head to the so called "vortexes" after lunch. Supposedly at these beautiful vistas, there are massive amounts of energy. To me it's all mumbo jumbo, but there is something awe-inspiring about climbing to the top of a butte and soaking up all that sunshine, wind, and landscape. The layered red rock, and forested valleys brought about a euphoric feeling.
While I felt a rush of happiness it was time to move to a different vortex, so-called inflow because it is supposed to inspire introspective thought. Normally I don't believe this stuff, but since I was here I lowered my prejudices and placed my faith in nature. Amongst the spectacle of the Bonyton Canyon, I suddenly was overwhelmed with thought. I climbed to a comfortable place on a butte ledge and believed in those high rock walls. I peered up the faces of the canyon to the snowy ledges and all my worries and fears intoxicated me. I asked God all these questions about life and the harsh wind against my shirt seemed to signal some guidance.
I realized that courage, confidence, and faith are really key to life. There is so little I can do to change people around me, but through courage, confidence, and faith, I can be the person I want to be. I need courage to be different. As I queried the energies of the canyon about all my friendship and fears, I realized that I have to just lead my own path instead of comfortably allowing others to guide my way. Through my personal courage I can find and retain that identity I yearn for. If I have the confidence to take the leaps and risk to build relationships and myself, I can be more human, more in tune with my dreams. I don't know what will happen in my future, but faith will help. I need to plow my own path. With faith I can trust that everything will work out; I can lead my life fearlessly.
These vortexes may be real or fake, but Sedona really hit me. Nothing in life is truly magical or perfect, but I feel that life is meant to be that way. Maybe we need to believe in tackiness sometimes or take ourselves outside our comfort zones more often.
I feel like I am encased as a youth in a series of thick sheets of bubble wrap. Some people I know have shredded away many layers of plastic, but most of us, even into our adult years only pop a few of the bubbles and find a comfortable place suffocating inside the plastic. We suddenly are frightened by the sound of popping, the small mishaps in life, and stop trying to break free. Nobody is ever totally free from the bubble wrap, but I hope I can clear out the plastic sheets that cocoon me and be more real, more human, more me.
"Drive" - Incubus
Day 3: Gilbert, AZ - Run; Heat
Eighty degrees at noon, when I decided to run. Who could be that stupid? As I ran beneath the beaming Arizona sun, I was mostly overwhelmed with exhaustion. However as I listened to my music and kept pushing forward, like some focused crazed Olympian, I felt proud of myself, thrilled by my insanity, and purely excited. Life offers many odd chances, and this was a rare bit of euphoria, yet with intense pain. When I think back on the economic challenges of America, or my punishing college search, I feel like some frustration, pain, and challenge is necessary in life. It is when you really push yourself beyond your limits that you can find yourself.
I just realized today that I was unusually calm and well. I think today was the first healthy, awake, and stress-free day since a few days in California in December. Perhaps if I lay off a bit from all my life obligations and craziness I can be happier. I can work ahead to achieve my future dreams, but I really need to enjoy life at the moment here and now.
I have may friends and I just wish I could spend more time with them. However I have now realized that it is not the amount of time one spends with friends, but the quality of that time. And that quality can only improve with substantial self-care. Sleep, prayer, hobbies, mistakes, exercise, and an sense of self and place really make one healthy and happy.
"Square One" - Coldplay
I just realized today that I was unusually calm and well. I think today was the first healthy, awake, and stress-free day since a few days in California in December. Perhaps if I lay off a bit from all my life obligations and craziness I can be happier. I can work ahead to achieve my future dreams, but I really need to enjoy life at the moment here and now.
I have may friends and I just wish I could spend more time with them. However I have now realized that it is not the amount of time one spends with friends, but the quality of that time. And that quality can only improve with substantial self-care. Sleep, prayer, hobbies, mistakes, exercise, and an sense of self and place really make one healthy and happy.
"Square One" - Coldplay
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