This is step one.
It is time for me to place aside all the emotions. I need to focus on the simple act of doing, living. I will find myself and what will happen will happen. I merely need to let go of all the feelings that engulf me.
Let the emotions pass. Breathe. Stop thinking so much. Breathe. Let the emotions pass.
"Happiness" - Alexis Jordan
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
In My Veins
"In My Veins" - Andrew Belle ft. Erin McCarley
"Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you can rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Everything will changed
Nothing stays the same
Nobody is perfect
Oh, but everyone is to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
Will find you in the day"
---------------------
I found this beautiful song on the Grey's Anatomy season finale this past week. It's amazing how wonderful songs can be found in such gruesome television programming... But this song is just my addiction right now.
It is so true. Nothing ever goes as planned. Heck, I planned on going to UC Berkeley on a full ride scholarship. I planned on being valedictorian. I planned on being in student government. I planned on debating. I planned on achieving my black belt. I planned on winning competitions. I planned on being the nerd I have always been. I planned on finding an easy job. I planned on the perfect prom. I planned a lot. I enjoy planning because I enjoy dreaming. I enjoy believing that my dreams will come true.
Today I was supposed to sign up for my grad party buses, but it looks like I am stuck with the last bus option. Today I brought a broken cake to the orchestra to recognize them. Today I turned in work late. Today I forgot my copy of Othello at home. Today I failed to pass my test on forms in martial arts... again. Today I didn't get my Issaquah Press article completed. Today I embarrassed myself in front of the class council. Today I said mean things. Today I ignored reality. Today I was a zombie. Today I was not the person I want to be.
It seems that this belief in my dreams coming true is all that happens. I rarely get all those dreams I wish for. That's been rather discouraging this year. Obviously I still have dreams, but those specific dreams like Berkeley, valedictorian, national merit scholar, those dreams have been shattered. Nevertheless so much has come out of my attempt to achieve my dreams. I am going to the University of Washington. As unimpressive as it may seem to many, I have a feeling that it will be a great place.
I have a feeling that I will grow in many ways at UW. I still despise the frat culture and the dreary weather, but only a pessimist will focus on those small setbacks. It's Seattle! There are trees and skyscrapers! The library is gorgeous! I have amazing friends! The athletic center is awesome! The music scene here is great! The education is world-renowned! The opportunities are endless! The study abroad is feasible and fantastic! What UW lacks in aesthetics I think it will make up for in substance; I just need to be less superficial.
Anyways, returning to my reflections, I do realize I am not fulfilling the exact dream I set upon myself. It might have just been possible. I could have whined to my teachers a lot. I could have spent all my money on Berkeley. I could have studied more for the PSAT. I could have done a lot. But I didn't. That's who I am. I am the person I have developed into over these past eighteen years. My life is in my veins. My choices are imbedded in my skin, mind, and soul. While this permanence may be frightening, the magic is that we can cover the embellishments and the beauty marks through the new layers of skin. Those bruises and scars will remain, but as we age we can grow new skin. Hopefully we just don't too comfortable in our skin; then we sag and wrinkle.
I am on a high after doing homework... something must be wrong with me.
"Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you can rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Everything will changed
Nothing stays the same
Nobody is perfect
Oh, but everyone is to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
Will find you in the day"
---------------------
I found this beautiful song on the Grey's Anatomy season finale this past week. It's amazing how wonderful songs can be found in such gruesome television programming... But this song is just my addiction right now.
It is so true. Nothing ever goes as planned. Heck, I planned on going to UC Berkeley on a full ride scholarship. I planned on being valedictorian. I planned on being in student government. I planned on debating. I planned on achieving my black belt. I planned on winning competitions. I planned on being the nerd I have always been. I planned on finding an easy job. I planned on the perfect prom. I planned a lot. I enjoy planning because I enjoy dreaming. I enjoy believing that my dreams will come true.
Today I was supposed to sign up for my grad party buses, but it looks like I am stuck with the last bus option. Today I brought a broken cake to the orchestra to recognize them. Today I turned in work late. Today I forgot my copy of Othello at home. Today I failed to pass my test on forms in martial arts... again. Today I didn't get my Issaquah Press article completed. Today I embarrassed myself in front of the class council. Today I said mean things. Today I ignored reality. Today I was a zombie. Today I was not the person I want to be.
It seems that this belief in my dreams coming true is all that happens. I rarely get all those dreams I wish for. That's been rather discouraging this year. Obviously I still have dreams, but those specific dreams like Berkeley, valedictorian, national merit scholar, those dreams have been shattered. Nevertheless so much has come out of my attempt to achieve my dreams. I am going to the University of Washington. As unimpressive as it may seem to many, I have a feeling that it will be a great place.
I have a feeling that I will grow in many ways at UW. I still despise the frat culture and the dreary weather, but only a pessimist will focus on those small setbacks. It's Seattle! There are trees and skyscrapers! The library is gorgeous! I have amazing friends! The athletic center is awesome! The music scene here is great! The education is world-renowned! The opportunities are endless! The study abroad is feasible and fantastic! What UW lacks in aesthetics I think it will make up for in substance; I just need to be less superficial.
Anyways, returning to my reflections, I do realize I am not fulfilling the exact dream I set upon myself. It might have just been possible. I could have whined to my teachers a lot. I could have spent all my money on Berkeley. I could have studied more for the PSAT. I could have done a lot. But I didn't. That's who I am. I am the person I have developed into over these past eighteen years. My life is in my veins. My choices are imbedded in my skin, mind, and soul. While this permanence may be frightening, the magic is that we can cover the embellishments and the beauty marks through the new layers of skin. Those bruises and scars will remain, but as we age we can grow new skin. Hopefully we just don't too comfortable in our skin; then we sag and wrinkle.
I am on a high after doing homework... something must be wrong with me.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My Unusual Prayer
Suffering abounds on earth. Many of us suffer. Some of us struggle with love. Others struggle with mental illness. We are grieved by loss. We are imbued with physical ailments. We are strapped by limitations on finances. We are mistreated through our appearances and cultural differences. Nobody wants to suffer, but what if you have never suffered?
I think I am lucky. Suffering has never haunted me in the many ways that it can destroy people's lives. I have not struggled with death. I have not struggled with love (that much). I have not struggled to find friends. I have not struggled with success, financial stability, or hunger. I am physically fit. I am alive and well.
One day I prayed to God. I prayed for struggle. I wanted to empathize with people who really go through struggle to fully understand what real life is like. I wanted to be a real human, someone who overcomes immense struggle. I arrogantly believed I had the power and ability to overcome any form of struggle. Wrong.
I believe it all began Junior year when I broke up a relationship. I think it was not the break up, but the cause of the break up that started my chaos. I had incredible self-confidence and self-assuredness. I lived life believing that everything I did was correct (I still do this sometimes, but now with fear, and foolishness). Then I entered my AP English course. I knew I could handle it; I pulled off an A in sophomore honors English. First my notecard failed dismally. Then my first paper received a B-. I could not handle it all. I fell apart in my classwork. I failed to fulfill my responsibilities in my extra curricular activities. I failed to obtain a job. I struggled to make it through my teaching assistance on Sundays. I became more reclusive. Yet I still had hope. I was pulled along by my sole motivation: Berkeley.
Until this year. Then it all hit me. Berkeley was probably not possible no matter how hard I tried academically. I got myself a miserable job. I did mind-boggling amounts of work in classes I didn't enjoy. I lived like a zombie. I detached from the world. I allowed stress to penetrate my soul and carve me into a meal.
My life has fallen apart from what I enjoyed. My life is no longer the image I had when I was ten, fifteen, or seventeen. I am not going to Berkeley, Stanford, or some other impressive named institution. I am not earning thousands of dollars in some enterprise. I am not serving my community diligently and wholeheartedly.
If anything I am aware of all my flaws. I am so vitally aware of my issues. I am struggling. I am struggling from an enemy within me. I am struggling from an enemy that has turned my life upside-down. I am struggling from an enemy that makes me dread every day and holds me back from falling asleep at night. I am struggling from an enemy that separates me from laughter, joy, and contentment. I am struggling from an enemy that has dispersed my dreams and left me without any motivation. I am struggling from an enemy that has changed my identity to a person I have never wanted to become.
Many people struggle from outside forces, but my struggle is internal. I wish I could do something more to just fix myself, but I know my condition is not as easy to fix as I wish it were. I have to go through my struggle if I want to live the life I wish for. Without humility I will falter.
"The Way It Ends" - Landon Pigg
I think I am lucky. Suffering has never haunted me in the many ways that it can destroy people's lives. I have not struggled with death. I have not struggled with love (that much). I have not struggled to find friends. I have not struggled with success, financial stability, or hunger. I am physically fit. I am alive and well.
One day I prayed to God. I prayed for struggle. I wanted to empathize with people who really go through struggle to fully understand what real life is like. I wanted to be a real human, someone who overcomes immense struggle. I arrogantly believed I had the power and ability to overcome any form of struggle. Wrong.
I believe it all began Junior year when I broke up a relationship. I think it was not the break up, but the cause of the break up that started my chaos. I had incredible self-confidence and self-assuredness. I lived life believing that everything I did was correct (I still do this sometimes, but now with fear, and foolishness). Then I entered my AP English course. I knew I could handle it; I pulled off an A in sophomore honors English. First my notecard failed dismally. Then my first paper received a B-. I could not handle it all. I fell apart in my classwork. I failed to fulfill my responsibilities in my extra curricular activities. I failed to obtain a job. I struggled to make it through my teaching assistance on Sundays. I became more reclusive. Yet I still had hope. I was pulled along by my sole motivation: Berkeley.
Until this year. Then it all hit me. Berkeley was probably not possible no matter how hard I tried academically. I got myself a miserable job. I did mind-boggling amounts of work in classes I didn't enjoy. I lived like a zombie. I detached from the world. I allowed stress to penetrate my soul and carve me into a meal.
My life has fallen apart from what I enjoyed. My life is no longer the image I had when I was ten, fifteen, or seventeen. I am not going to Berkeley, Stanford, or some other impressive named institution. I am not earning thousands of dollars in some enterprise. I am not serving my community diligently and wholeheartedly.
If anything I am aware of all my flaws. I am so vitally aware of my issues. I am struggling. I am struggling from an enemy within me. I am struggling from an enemy that has turned my life upside-down. I am struggling from an enemy that makes me dread every day and holds me back from falling asleep at night. I am struggling from an enemy that separates me from laughter, joy, and contentment. I am struggling from an enemy that has dispersed my dreams and left me without any motivation. I am struggling from an enemy that has changed my identity to a person I have never wanted to become.
Many people struggle from outside forces, but my struggle is internal. I wish I could do something more to just fix myself, but I know my condition is not as easy to fix as I wish it were. I have to go through my struggle if I want to live the life I wish for. Without humility I will falter.
"The Way It Ends" - Landon Pigg
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Adulthood
Every year we celebrate this anniversary of our birth. Today I became 18.
I entered this year of my life with so much hope and excitement. 17. The last year of freedom from the law. The last year of immaturity. The last year of irresponsibility. The last year of childhood. The last year of innocence.
Now I am official. Now I have registered to vote. Now I must sign up for the selective service. Now I must be a fully-fledged citizen. Now I must show my ability to live the right path.
Yet I am still so lost. I am so confused. I am so overwhelmed. I am so beyond crazy messed up. What kind of year has this been? It has been a year that I hope to move forward from. I am proud of my mistakes and mishaps. I am proud of all my falls, but it still feels a little shameful.
This is one of those times in life where you have to stop worrying about the past and just shut it away. It is time to move forward. It is time to jump the river. It is time to finish all these loose ends and culminate my year. It is time for me to live, live, live.
Maybe this year will be wonderful. Maybe it will be full of struggle. But I have learned so much in my seventeenth year that I believe that my eighteenth year will be fantastic.
My birthday dinner was delicious Filipino. I think my waiter was a drag queen but it was quite humorous seeing my confused unworldly sister and he was very friendly (especially his sing-along Taylor Swift). I always like to try new things on my birthday, and I think I did so this year.
All I know I can do is smile.
"Here's to the Night" - Eve 6
We chose this as our royalty song for prom night. I really like it.
I entered this year of my life with so much hope and excitement. 17. The last year of freedom from the law. The last year of immaturity. The last year of irresponsibility. The last year of childhood. The last year of innocence.
Now I am official. Now I have registered to vote. Now I must sign up for the selective service. Now I must be a fully-fledged citizen. Now I must show my ability to live the right path.
Yet I am still so lost. I am so confused. I am so overwhelmed. I am so beyond crazy messed up. What kind of year has this been? It has been a year that I hope to move forward from. I am proud of my mistakes and mishaps. I am proud of all my falls, but it still feels a little shameful.
This is one of those times in life where you have to stop worrying about the past and just shut it away. It is time to move forward. It is time to jump the river. It is time to finish all these loose ends and culminate my year. It is time for me to live, live, live.
Maybe this year will be wonderful. Maybe it will be full of struggle. But I have learned so much in my seventeenth year that I believe that my eighteenth year will be fantastic.
My birthday dinner was delicious Filipino. I think my waiter was a drag queen but it was quite humorous seeing my confused unworldly sister and he was very friendly (especially his sing-along Taylor Swift). I always like to try new things on my birthday, and I think I did so this year.
All I know I can do is smile.
"Here's to the Night" - Eve 6
We chose this as our royalty song for prom night. I really like it.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Max
My parents named me when I was a baby and I do not think they realized the consequence of my name. It means excellence. It means perfection. It is Latin for greatest. Why, oh why did they choose a name with such a horrible meaning? Am I destined to obsess over ambition, power, and achievement?
I brood so much over the stupidest things. I am so jealous of the success of others. I want to be the valedictorian. I want to be the medallion winner. I want to go to my dream school. I want to be the president. I want to be the greatest friend. I want to be included in the best group of people. I want to be a winner. I want to be successful.
I hate this so much. I hate my obsession with accomplishment. I need to achieve something to be happy. I can never seem to enjoy the journey. I have lived my ENTIRE life for the destination.
But in the end, that destination is ultimately death. And the only way to find fulfillment in death is to be happy with how you have lived your life.
I need to stop living for a wikipedia entry and start living for my virtues, my passions, and life itself. I don't have a clue how that works. I don't know at all. But through careful observation over the years, I realize I have a few things to change.
I must stop making every conversation about myself.
I must listen.
I must foster my passions.
I must take care of my body and basic functions.
The list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by my imperfections, yet I still have friends who somehow accept me for all of my messed up being. I guess I just wish I could have more happiness in my life, but I feel like I am still drowning so much in sorrow.
Maybe I just need a break from the insanity of all this go, go, go life. I need to smell the roses, but I am so overwhelmed that I just cannot even take a second to see them.
"Watercolour" - Pendulum
I brood so much over the stupidest things. I am so jealous of the success of others. I want to be the valedictorian. I want to be the medallion winner. I want to go to my dream school. I want to be the president. I want to be the greatest friend. I want to be included in the best group of people. I want to be a winner. I want to be successful.
I hate this so much. I hate my obsession with accomplishment. I need to achieve something to be happy. I can never seem to enjoy the journey. I have lived my ENTIRE life for the destination.
But in the end, that destination is ultimately death. And the only way to find fulfillment in death is to be happy with how you have lived your life.
I need to stop living for a wikipedia entry and start living for my virtues, my passions, and life itself. I don't have a clue how that works. I don't know at all. But through careful observation over the years, I realize I have a few things to change.
I must stop making every conversation about myself.
I must listen.
I must foster my passions.
I must take care of my body and basic functions.
The list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by my imperfections, yet I still have friends who somehow accept me for all of my messed up being. I guess I just wish I could have more happiness in my life, but I feel like I am still drowning so much in sorrow.
Maybe I just need a break from the insanity of all this go, go, go life. I need to smell the roses, but I am so overwhelmed that I just cannot even take a second to see them.
"Watercolour" - Pendulum
Monday, May 17, 2010
14 Days
I have 14 school days left. I have only 25 days until I graduate from high school. Prom is in two and a half weeks. I have a black belt test in less than two months. I am going to Vancouver with my friends in two months and a week. I am starting college in 4 months. I turn 18 in 3 days.
Life is happening!
Today I was so miserable. I still feel a little down, lonely, and empty. But as I read MMT posts, I realized that sitting here reading a website about thought-provoking stories is incomparable to actually witnessing those fascinating moments.
I feel so unhappy when I see other people reach success. I wasn't like that in the past. When my life was going swimmingly well and pleasurably easy, I always thought jealousy and unhappiness were silly. But now that my situation is flipped and I am comparing myself to everyone still, I realize how important it is to just live for yourself. It's tough because we live in a society and we want to fit in with the people around us.
My deepest fear is loneliness. If I try to acquiesce to society, peers, and friends too much, I lose my own identity and I become less of a person. Nobody likes a person who just tries to be friends. We all want to make interesting friends with stories, or at least those are the people I hope to make friends with.
Yes, I do feel emotionally broken. But I think I am going to start making real changes in my life.
I watched a Brittany Murphy movie this weekend called "Ramen Girl." It's about a spoiled girl from America who moves to Japan following her boyfriend who promptly dumps her upon arrival. She then is drawn to a ramen shop and is determined to learn how to cook ramen. In this quest she discovers her true passion and despite the unusual pair of a fifty-something ramen chef and a spoiled young American girl, they find a common bond in this passion. Her life is broken in the beginning. She is forced to clean the dishes until she realizes the importance of きれい, clean. Finally she starts cleaning up her life, literally, socially, and emotionally.
I also struggled today in martial arts. I knew I was not ready to receive my instructor's approval of my forms, but I hoped I could make it like the three other people I train with. For the first time I did not earn my tape. But in a way I am sort of proud. Yes, I failed. But I realized my problem all this time.
I really have spent all this time in a rut. All I do is mope about how miserable my life is. Yet life is fantastic. Perhaps I am depressed, but if I want to exit, I need to start living and stop fearing. I need to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every small misstep. I am going to make many, many mistakes in life. They must be recognized, evaluated, and understood. After making the small changes in my lifestyle from these mistakes, I need to move on. All this time I haven't moved forward.
"Good Times" - Roll Deep
In this song they sing about escaping the day. But I am going to escape the night. I am going to escape my hapless life online and my sleepless nights wasting away on computer games.
Life.
Life is happening!
Today I was so miserable. I still feel a little down, lonely, and empty. But as I read MMT posts, I realized that sitting here reading a website about thought-provoking stories is incomparable to actually witnessing those fascinating moments.
I feel so unhappy when I see other people reach success. I wasn't like that in the past. When my life was going swimmingly well and pleasurably easy, I always thought jealousy and unhappiness were silly. But now that my situation is flipped and I am comparing myself to everyone still, I realize how important it is to just live for yourself. It's tough because we live in a society and we want to fit in with the people around us.
My deepest fear is loneliness. If I try to acquiesce to society, peers, and friends too much, I lose my own identity and I become less of a person. Nobody likes a person who just tries to be friends. We all want to make interesting friends with stories, or at least those are the people I hope to make friends with.
Yes, I do feel emotionally broken. But I think I am going to start making real changes in my life.
I watched a Brittany Murphy movie this weekend called "Ramen Girl." It's about a spoiled girl from America who moves to Japan following her boyfriend who promptly dumps her upon arrival. She then is drawn to a ramen shop and is determined to learn how to cook ramen. In this quest she discovers her true passion and despite the unusual pair of a fifty-something ramen chef and a spoiled young American girl, they find a common bond in this passion. Her life is broken in the beginning. She is forced to clean the dishes until she realizes the importance of きれい, clean. Finally she starts cleaning up her life, literally, socially, and emotionally.
I also struggled today in martial arts. I knew I was not ready to receive my instructor's approval of my forms, but I hoped I could make it like the three other people I train with. For the first time I did not earn my tape. But in a way I am sort of proud. Yes, I failed. But I realized my problem all this time.
I really have spent all this time in a rut. All I do is mope about how miserable my life is. Yet life is fantastic. Perhaps I am depressed, but if I want to exit, I need to start living and stop fearing. I need to stop overanalyzing and overthinking every small misstep. I am going to make many, many mistakes in life. They must be recognized, evaluated, and understood. After making the small changes in my lifestyle from these mistakes, I need to move on. All this time I haven't moved forward.
"Good Times" - Roll Deep
In this song they sing about escaping the day. But I am going to escape the night. I am going to escape my hapless life online and my sleepless nights wasting away on computer games.
Life.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Emptiness Burns Me
Emptiness sears through my soul.
Passion has damaged me. I have fallen fighting for lofty dreams like Berkeley. I have been bruised and broken over work and student government. Martial arts has literally pained me. My mind has been shredded through my devotion to schoolwork. My social life withered as I tried to accomplish all these things.
I keep wondering what makes us happy, what makes us most human. I keep trying to understand life so that I can do more than just survive.
For so long my life has been linear. It has been like the video game with distinctly numbered levels toward success. Eventually we ascend the ladder of levels. What then?
I have never understood that part of life. I graduate in 26 days. I will be finished with high school. I realize now that going to some big name school would have been merely an extension of my obsession with academia and the system I have grown accustomed to. But the problem is, what else is there? I love to study. I love to learn. Is academia still my path? Is law my new path? Is Berkeley still my eventual dream? Are there even 21 balloons to eco-harmony or is life even more foggy than that?
Meanwhile I had my first scholarship interview this weekend. I was nervous, but I knew that my accomplishments spoke for themselves. I kept internally questioning the importance of this tense circumstance. I realize that the scholarship is valuable toward my future goals, but how I am the deserving candidate? How can five essay questions and a twenty interview determine if I deserve a scholarship? The committee is entirely dependent on superficial fact. Are they selecting the best citizens of my town or merely the most persuasive? How do we measure life? Are we measured merely by the surface accomplishments and successes? Is life a quest?
What is best? What is good? Life is full of unclear rules. And I like it that way. We cannot live bound by self-imposed constraints that make us miserable. Many obstacles hold me back. I am AFRAID of life and everything around me.
No wonder I feel unlucky. I was reading a wonderful article recently from a friend about serendipity. I think I know understand why I am so nervous, pitiful, and unlucky. I set myself up for the worst and the worst happens to me. I fear failure so much that I fail. Sometimes my fear can help me get through tough situations, but it prevents me from soaring to the skies I wish to fly in.
This weekend was absurdly beautiful. Mt. Rainier seemed to float in the distance as the high clouds came in from the sound. It was so eerily gorgeous. I do love this city sometimes. It's surprisingly romantic. I know that I can love whatever life throws at me. Nevertheless that bitter lonely and miserable feeling twinged within my core. These next few weeks present many fascinating and remarkable situations. I am free from my job. I am ending my service to my temple's Sunday school as an assistant next Sunday. I turn eighteen this week. I have completed AP testing. I have finals approaching at interspersed times. My extra curricular activities are closing. My summer plans are being determined. My room is being cleaned. There are birthday parties, film festivals, tuxedo shopping, proms, recognition breakfasts, meetings, holidays, events, shows, and graduations in the upcoming weeks. Life is here and I want to seize it so badly.
But something just does not feel right.
"Jumping Into Rivers" - Diana Vickers
Passion has damaged me. I have fallen fighting for lofty dreams like Berkeley. I have been bruised and broken over work and student government. Martial arts has literally pained me. My mind has been shredded through my devotion to schoolwork. My social life withered as I tried to accomplish all these things.
I keep wondering what makes us happy, what makes us most human. I keep trying to understand life so that I can do more than just survive.
For so long my life has been linear. It has been like the video game with distinctly numbered levels toward success. Eventually we ascend the ladder of levels. What then?
I have never understood that part of life. I graduate in 26 days. I will be finished with high school. I realize now that going to some big name school would have been merely an extension of my obsession with academia and the system I have grown accustomed to. But the problem is, what else is there? I love to study. I love to learn. Is academia still my path? Is law my new path? Is Berkeley still my eventual dream? Are there even 21 balloons to eco-harmony or is life even more foggy than that?
Meanwhile I had my first scholarship interview this weekend. I was nervous, but I knew that my accomplishments spoke for themselves. I kept internally questioning the importance of this tense circumstance. I realize that the scholarship is valuable toward my future goals, but how I am the deserving candidate? How can five essay questions and a twenty interview determine if I deserve a scholarship? The committee is entirely dependent on superficial fact. Are they selecting the best citizens of my town or merely the most persuasive? How do we measure life? Are we measured merely by the surface accomplishments and successes? Is life a quest?
What is best? What is good? Life is full of unclear rules. And I like it that way. We cannot live bound by self-imposed constraints that make us miserable. Many obstacles hold me back. I am AFRAID of life and everything around me.
No wonder I feel unlucky. I was reading a wonderful article recently from a friend about serendipity. I think I know understand why I am so nervous, pitiful, and unlucky. I set myself up for the worst and the worst happens to me. I fear failure so much that I fail. Sometimes my fear can help me get through tough situations, but it prevents me from soaring to the skies I wish to fly in.
This weekend was absurdly beautiful. Mt. Rainier seemed to float in the distance as the high clouds came in from the sound. It was so eerily gorgeous. I do love this city sometimes. It's surprisingly romantic. I know that I can love whatever life throws at me. Nevertheless that bitter lonely and miserable feeling twinged within my core. These next few weeks present many fascinating and remarkable situations. I am free from my job. I am ending my service to my temple's Sunday school as an assistant next Sunday. I turn eighteen this week. I have completed AP testing. I have finals approaching at interspersed times. My extra curricular activities are closing. My summer plans are being determined. My room is being cleaned. There are birthday parties, film festivals, tuxedo shopping, proms, recognition breakfasts, meetings, holidays, events, shows, and graduations in the upcoming weeks. Life is here and I want to seize it so badly.
But something just does not feel right.
"Jumping Into Rivers" - Diana Vickers
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