Yes, that is a real title. Today, on a rare, beautiful sunny day in Seattle I traveled to Queen Anne to this park called Bhy Kracke Park, hidden and less well-known than most parks in the city. My goodness this viewpoint was so empty besides one couple, yet it had such a spectacular vista of Seattle. I warmed myself underneath the sunshine and listened to wonderful music. I felt so happy in that moment. I think life is going to be good even after all the craziness this week.
Here's a song to remark on my love for this world:
"Your Song" - Ellie Goulding
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
On a Balcony in Waikiki
I am sitting upon a balcony in the middle of Waikiki the bustling tourist center of Honolulu. It is exciting like New York City, tropical like Miami, luxurious like Los Angeles, and has the flair of Tokyo with all the Japanese influence of this place. The ocean is ahead of me it goes on for miles seemingly never ending. It is a thrill, but being here, away from all of the stress of college, and the craziness of my life in the interim has been rejuvenating.
Unfortunately the circumstance for why I am here is less than ideal. My grandma’s passing away has really made me think about how much she lived through and how important it is for me to carry on her legacy on Earth. I pray that she has found peace after her meaningful and wonderful life. It is weird for me to think that she is gone after seventy-seven years on this Earth, but I am amazed by what she has gone through and it inspires me to lead a more meaningful life. I went to the service today and thought a lot about what my Grandma meant to me and how I should live my life in her footsteps. She cared so much about other people and I hope that I can be like that. I hope that I can do something that will really make a difference in the lives of others and make me feel good about what I am doing in the world. I will admit that I want to feel good about myself; I want to be happy and I do not believe that is a sin. Likewise being in the church was a powerful and daunting experience for me. I felt so pressured to behave a certain way and I hope that what I do in life will serve God. I believe so strongly in my faith more recently because I have realized that God is really present in my life. I hope that my grandma has found peace with the lord.
I have thought a lot today about my life. I have thought so much about what I want to do with the rest of my life as people ask me, “What are you majoring in?” or “What do you want to do?” I feel so overwhelmed by these questions. I wish I was like my aunt and knew I want to be a doctor, so set in stone and secure. I wish I was passionate about some science like my grandpa or uncle. I wish I could be satisfied with a simple job like working at a hotel or some sort of business. Alas, I am not secure in these ways. I don’t have that passion for such a particular field, nor am I flexible enough to do whatever comes my way and accept it. I am picky and yet I am hoping to do something without a clear path. I guess I will just need to be more flexible, but flexibility is key in life. If I can deal with what is thrown at me through every twist and turn, and make the most of it like my grandma, I can really make the most of my life.
While I am sad today and grieving my loss I am also inspired by the life of my grandma. She went through incredible struggle, yet enjoyed incredible wonder in her life; it is my goal to continue to make the most out of my life while I am privileged to have it.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween: People and more People
This Halloween was a tough day. I ran for so long today, farther and faster than I have ever run in my life. I guess I ran about 3.3 miles straight and completed another 1.5 miles after a brief respite to soak in the glorious sunshine at Gasworks. This city is so beautiful and it gave my soul some comfort as I deal with all the events of this weekend. I ran to deal with my sadness.
I feel so alone here in so many ways, yet I don't really understand why this is. I am surrounded by good friends. I have so many people I can meet here, yet I feel so uncomfortable around them. In essence there are four problems I am having.
1) Same people: I am meeting the same people from high school and spending so much time with them. This isn't bad necessarily, but it makes me feel like I am stuck in high school, and I hated that experience so much.
2) Fear: I am so afraid to do so many things. I fear drinking alcohol. I fear going to frat parties, or any party for that matter. I fear even talking to certain people (actually most people for that matter). I fear even going to the IMA to work out. I fear what people think of me. I fear being an outcast. I feel so abnormal here, and I am tired of being a loser. I want to just fit in and be myself, but I fear what people will think of me all the time.
3) Closed identity: Being locked in my past identity sucks. I want to be open and honest with everyone, yet at the same time I don't believe that I can do it. I am so afraid of what people will think of me. Yet when I get past the barrier of my identity I can suddenly trust people and be so much more open with them. I feel like I can't be friends with people easily unless they know me for who I am. I wish I understood this better, but I don't.
4) Lack of motivation: People here are fascinating, but you have to find them. It is such a challenge. I mean this evening I actually talked for an hour or two to people down the hall, but it was a rare experience. I feel like most people here are uninspiring and disappointing. So many people here conform with the party scene. Most people seem to be so satisfied with being drunk. People here care so much about good grades, but nobody seems to see a bigger picture. There is so much out there in the world, inspiration, challenges, hope, wonder, but nobody here seems to see it or care that much. Even the people I thought who would care seem so dismal.
I just want to find my niche here. I want to make close friends like the ones I already have. I want to find love. I want to fit in. I feel so alone. I wish I could enjoy football, alcohol, parties, etc. like everyone else seems to here. I know there are different sorts of people here, but I have not found them yet.
My grandmother inspires me in so many ways. I will miss her dearly, but her passing away also sparks my spirit. I am reminded of all the struggle she went through coming to this country. I realize that I should stop hating this place as much as I do. Instead I should work hard to make the dreams I seek for myself and the rest of my fellow Americans possible. I will work doubly hard tomorrow to support my state senator and senator the next two days. I will focus and study like crazy for my midterm. I will revise my essays and put my soul into my ideas. I will work hard and make a difference in the world for people like my grandma. She made it here, but only after incredible effort. I will try my best to reflect her efforts through my own. I will do my best and that is the best I can do to remember my amazing grandma.
Thank you God for allowing me to know my grandma for these past 18 years. Rest in peace June Shizue Pong. I love you and miss you.
"Runaway" - Devlin ft. Yasmin
This song captures so much of what I feel right now.
I feel so alone here in so many ways, yet I don't really understand why this is. I am surrounded by good friends. I have so many people I can meet here, yet I feel so uncomfortable around them. In essence there are four problems I am having.
1) Same people: I am meeting the same people from high school and spending so much time with them. This isn't bad necessarily, but it makes me feel like I am stuck in high school, and I hated that experience so much.
2) Fear: I am so afraid to do so many things. I fear drinking alcohol. I fear going to frat parties, or any party for that matter. I fear even talking to certain people (actually most people for that matter). I fear even going to the IMA to work out. I fear what people think of me. I fear being an outcast. I feel so abnormal here, and I am tired of being a loser. I want to just fit in and be myself, but I fear what people will think of me all the time.
3) Closed identity: Being locked in my past identity sucks. I want to be open and honest with everyone, yet at the same time I don't believe that I can do it. I am so afraid of what people will think of me. Yet when I get past the barrier of my identity I can suddenly trust people and be so much more open with them. I feel like I can't be friends with people easily unless they know me for who I am. I wish I understood this better, but I don't.
4) Lack of motivation: People here are fascinating, but you have to find them. It is such a challenge. I mean this evening I actually talked for an hour or two to people down the hall, but it was a rare experience. I feel like most people here are uninspiring and disappointing. So many people here conform with the party scene. Most people seem to be so satisfied with being drunk. People here care so much about good grades, but nobody seems to see a bigger picture. There is so much out there in the world, inspiration, challenges, hope, wonder, but nobody here seems to see it or care that much. Even the people I thought who would care seem so dismal.
I just want to find my niche here. I want to make close friends like the ones I already have. I want to find love. I want to fit in. I feel so alone. I wish I could enjoy football, alcohol, parties, etc. like everyone else seems to here. I know there are different sorts of people here, but I have not found them yet.
My grandmother inspires me in so many ways. I will miss her dearly, but her passing away also sparks my spirit. I am reminded of all the struggle she went through coming to this country. I realize that I should stop hating this place as much as I do. Instead I should work hard to make the dreams I seek for myself and the rest of my fellow Americans possible. I will work doubly hard tomorrow to support my state senator and senator the next two days. I will focus and study like crazy for my midterm. I will revise my essays and put my soul into my ideas. I will work hard and make a difference in the world for people like my grandma. She made it here, but only after incredible effort. I will try my best to reflect her efforts through my own. I will do my best and that is the best I can do to remember my amazing grandma.
Thank you God for allowing me to know my grandma for these past 18 years. Rest in peace June Shizue Pong. I love you and miss you.
"Runaway" - Devlin ft. Yasmin
This song captures so much of what I feel right now.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
So Here We Are
The past two days have been long and exhausting in ways that are difficult to describe. I haven't had enough sleep recently. I have been somewhat behind and overwhelmed by homework and campaigning. I have been doing so many social things, and today I was really feeling worn by all the socialization.
Yesterday was a yucky morning filled with lecture and rushed academics. Later I went with a friend who doesn't know me entirely well to the city to develop my film and visit some sites. I loved the view from the water tower at Volunteer Park, and I felt inspired by the glorious sunshine across the city of Seattle and the surrounding metropolis. The leaves are changing color and in the sun the colors are incredible. Later on I tried some salted caramel ice cream and pear sorbet at Molly Moon's ice cream and it was quite a treat.
My social outings continued as I ate a rushed dinner and then watched a movie with more friends. The film, Winter's Bone, was dark, dramatic, and thought-provoking, so I really enjoyed it. I went to sleep late, woke up early this morning to run with a friend, and then studied with a friend the rest of the afternoon in my favorite study cafe. For the most part I was depressingly unproductive. All the time with my friends was great, but I felt exhausted from it. I talked to my friend about how lonely I feel despite having all these friends amongst me. My mood started to sour internally. I stopped being my friendly self. Now I sit in a coffee shop on Capitol Hill alone and away from all my friend and the people at college.
I just don't feel like I fit in with everyone at UW. A friend asked me to go to a frat party, but I was uninterested. I don't want to drink and party. I don't want to go to all these costume parties. I don't want to smoke hookah or spend all my time working out at the IMA. I love my friends, but they all seem to be so bored. Plus I am frightened by many of these experiences as stupid as it may seem. I just feel so uncomfortable with parties, drinking, or even working out at the gym.
I want to explore the city. I want to go on adventures. I want to eat delicious food. I want to discuss complex topics from class and go to thought-provoking museums and sites. Maybe I am the only one like that in the world, but I hope I find someone who shares my interests, a companion who I can really spend time with for the rest of my life (in the long-term.... I don't necessarily need this now). So in the meantime I will try to enjoy life in the moment and love all that I love by myself.
In the meantime, I just found out that my grandma passed away. She was so inspiring. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I don't really know what to think. I can't really comprehend it all. I am in shock. I just hope she has found peace.
"So Here We Are" - Bloc Party
Yesterday was a yucky morning filled with lecture and rushed academics. Later I went with a friend who doesn't know me entirely well to the city to develop my film and visit some sites. I loved the view from the water tower at Volunteer Park, and I felt inspired by the glorious sunshine across the city of Seattle and the surrounding metropolis. The leaves are changing color and in the sun the colors are incredible. Later on I tried some salted caramel ice cream and pear sorbet at Molly Moon's ice cream and it was quite a treat.
My social outings continued as I ate a rushed dinner and then watched a movie with more friends. The film, Winter's Bone, was dark, dramatic, and thought-provoking, so I really enjoyed it. I went to sleep late, woke up early this morning to run with a friend, and then studied with a friend the rest of the afternoon in my favorite study cafe. For the most part I was depressingly unproductive. All the time with my friends was great, but I felt exhausted from it. I talked to my friend about how lonely I feel despite having all these friends amongst me. My mood started to sour internally. I stopped being my friendly self. Now I sit in a coffee shop on Capitol Hill alone and away from all my friend and the people at college.
I just don't feel like I fit in with everyone at UW. A friend asked me to go to a frat party, but I was uninterested. I don't want to drink and party. I don't want to go to all these costume parties. I don't want to smoke hookah or spend all my time working out at the IMA. I love my friends, but they all seem to be so bored. Plus I am frightened by many of these experiences as stupid as it may seem. I just feel so uncomfortable with parties, drinking, or even working out at the gym.
I want to explore the city. I want to go on adventures. I want to eat delicious food. I want to discuss complex topics from class and go to thought-provoking museums and sites. Maybe I am the only one like that in the world, but I hope I find someone who shares my interests, a companion who I can really spend time with for the rest of my life (in the long-term.... I don't necessarily need this now). So in the meantime I will try to enjoy life in the moment and love all that I love by myself.
In the meantime, I just found out that my grandma passed away. She was so inspiring. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I don't really know what to think. I can't really comprehend it all. I am in shock. I just hope she has found peace.
"So Here We Are" - Bloc Party
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A Little Lonely, A Little Hopeful
This morning I finally woke up with a somewhat positive tilt for the first time in years. It was a weird feeling. It wasn't like I woke up thrilled. But I just woke up 51% happy and 49% unhappy. It was that little bit of happiness that just made it so surprising. I don't really remember when I last woke up happy, but this was an incredible start.
After that relief, I took my shower. I dreaded the communal showering concept at first, but it's really not all that bad; I've just gotten used to it. Same with dorming. It's all well and good here and thankfully I have a tolerable roommate. Still there are the occasional conflicts, but otherwise life is basically quite peaceful.
Class today was sort of drab. I basically slept through my lecture on bats, but I participated almost a bit too much in our discussion of populations and carbon legacies from human reproduction in my lab section. I was a little disappointed in my quiz section by the lack of motivation in my group. People here seem to shrug off academia as if it is a sin. I feel like I can't be myself with my passion for learning because people think I am being stuck up or condescending. I just love to discuss things that are complex, and while that may be a little elitist, it's just who I am.
I later phonebanked for Suzan Delbene. I am starting to tire of politics, but I guess that means I've been diving deep into something I love. I have done so much, I'm guessing I've done twenty or so hours of volunteer work for the Democrats, and I hope that it ends up benefiting progressiveness. I'm exhausted, but I love it. I really need to work out and keep my life in check, but I am searching balance. I ate well today, a delicious pupusa at this lovely place a block from my dorm and pappardelle for dinner with actually tasty kale. I love it when food actually tastes delicious. There is plenty to look forward to in the world even if I feel so alone at times. It's weird how when you are around the people you love you actually feel less loved. But I will find more to love, more love, and love all around.
"Further" - Correatown
After that relief, I took my shower. I dreaded the communal showering concept at first, but it's really not all that bad; I've just gotten used to it. Same with dorming. It's all well and good here and thankfully I have a tolerable roommate. Still there are the occasional conflicts, but otherwise life is basically quite peaceful.
Class today was sort of drab. I basically slept through my lecture on bats, but I participated almost a bit too much in our discussion of populations and carbon legacies from human reproduction in my lab section. I was a little disappointed in my quiz section by the lack of motivation in my group. People here seem to shrug off academia as if it is a sin. I feel like I can't be myself with my passion for learning because people think I am being stuck up or condescending. I just love to discuss things that are complex, and while that may be a little elitist, it's just who I am.
I later phonebanked for Suzan Delbene. I am starting to tire of politics, but I guess that means I've been diving deep into something I love. I have done so much, I'm guessing I've done twenty or so hours of volunteer work for the Democrats, and I hope that it ends up benefiting progressiveness. I'm exhausted, but I love it. I really need to work out and keep my life in check, but I am searching balance. I ate well today, a delicious pupusa at this lovely place a block from my dorm and pappardelle for dinner with actually tasty kale. I love it when food actually tastes delicious. There is plenty to look forward to in the world even if I feel so alone at times. It's weird how when you are around the people you love you actually feel less loved. But I will find more to love, more love, and love all around.
"Further" - Correatown
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Excitement, Hope, OBAMA
I feel energized tonight. Tomorrow I will be volunteering at the Obama rally and I get reserved seats at the rally in the stadium. I am so thrilled! This is going to be one of the greatest events I have ever witnessed. I don't know what to expect, but I will be happy to just see the president in the same room as me. Wow, in less than 12 hrs. I will be listening to President Barack Obama speaking. I just can't believe it.
"Fired Up? Ready to Go!" - Barack Obama
"Fired Up? Ready to Go!" - Barack Obama
Monday, October 18, 2010
Me the Machine
Get up. Run. Grab bookbag. Ride bus. Study. Study. Study. Study. Break. Study. Study. Study. Study. Break. Study. Study. Study. Ride bus back. Eat. Study. Study. Study. Study. Study. Breathe. Study. Study. Study. Sleep.
Wake up. Eat. Go to class. Study. Study. Go to class. Go to next class. Eat. Study. Study. Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell. Hello, I'm here asking for your support of our state senator, Randy Gordon. Thank you. Have a good evening. Ride car. Eat. Study. Study. Study.
Now I'm here. Exhausted. Sleepy. A machine.
Good night.
"Wonderful Life" - Hurts
Wake up. Eat. Go to class. Study. Study. Go to class. Go to next class. Eat. Study. Study. Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell. Hello, I'm here asking for your support of our state senator, Randy Gordon. Thank you. Have a good evening. Ride car. Eat. Study. Study. Study.
Now I'm here. Exhausted. Sleepy. A machine.
Good night.
"Wonderful Life" - Hurts
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