Bhy Kracke

Yes, that is a real title. Today, on a rare, beautiful sunny day in Seattle I traveled to Queen Anne to this park called Bhy Kracke Park, hidden and less well-known than most parks in the city. My goodness this viewpoint was so empty besides one couple, yet it had such a spectacular vista of Seattle. I warmed myself underneath the sunshine and listened to wonderful music. I felt so happy in that moment. I think life is going to be good even after all the craziness this week.

Here's a song to remark on my love for this world:

"Your Song" - Ellie Goulding

On a Balcony in Waikiki

I am sitting upon a balcony in the middle of Waikiki the bustling tourist center of Honolulu. It is exciting like New York City, tropical like Miami, luxurious like Los Angeles, and has the flair of Tokyo with all the Japanese influence of this place. The ocean is ahead of me it goes on for miles seemingly never ending. It is a thrill, but being here, away from all of the stress of college, and the craziness of my life in the interim has been rejuvenating.

Unfortunately the circumstance for why I am here is less than ideal. My grandma’s passing away has really made me think about how much she lived through and how important it is for me to carry on her legacy on Earth. I pray that she has found peace after her meaningful and wonderful life. It is weird for me to think that she is gone after seventy-seven years on this Earth, but I am amazed by what she has gone through and it inspires me to lead a more meaningful life. I went to the service today and thought a lot about what my Grandma meant to me and how I should live my life in her footsteps. She cared so much about other people and I hope that I can be like that. I hope that I can do something that will really make a difference in the lives of others and make me feel good about what I am doing in the world. I will admit that I want to feel good about myself; I want to be happy and I do not believe that is a sin. Likewise being in the church was a powerful and daunting experience for me. I felt so pressured to behave a certain way and I hope that what I do in life will serve God. I believe so strongly in my faith more recently because I have realized that God is really present in my life. I hope that my grandma has found peace with the lord.

I have thought a lot today about my life. I have thought so much about what I want to do with the rest of my life as people ask me, “What are you majoring in?” or “What do you want to do?” I feel so overwhelmed by these questions. I wish I was like my aunt and knew I want to be a doctor, so set in stone and secure. I wish I was passionate about some science like my grandpa or uncle. I wish I could be satisfied with a simple job like working at a hotel or some sort of business. Alas, I am not secure in these ways. I don’t have that passion for such a particular field, nor am I flexible enough to do whatever comes my way and accept it. I am picky and yet I am hoping to do something without a clear path. I guess I will just need to be more flexible, but flexibility is key in life. If I can deal with what is thrown at me through every twist and turn, and make the most of it like my grandma, I can really make the most of my life.

While I am sad today and grieving my loss I am also inspired by the life of my grandma. She went through incredible struggle, yet enjoyed incredible wonder in her life; it is my goal to continue to make the most out of my life while I am privileged to have it.

Halloween: People and more People

This Halloween was a tough day. I ran for so long today, farther and faster than I have ever run in my life. I guess I ran about 3.3 miles straight and completed another 1.5 miles after a brief respite to soak in the glorious sunshine at Gasworks. This city is so beautiful and it gave my soul some comfort as I deal with all the events of this weekend. I ran to deal with my sadness.

I feel so alone here in so many ways, yet I don't really understand why this is. I am surrounded by good friends. I have so many people I can meet here, yet I feel so uncomfortable around them. In essence there are four problems I am having.
1) Same people: I am meeting the same people from high school and spending so much time with them. This isn't bad necessarily, but it makes me feel like I am stuck in high school, and I hated that experience so much.
2) Fear: I am so afraid to do so many things. I fear drinking alcohol. I fear going to frat parties, or any party for that matter. I fear even talking to certain people (actually most people for that matter). I fear even going to the IMA to work out. I fear what people think of me. I fear being an outcast. I feel so abnormal here, and I am tired of being a loser. I want to just fit in and be myself, but I fear what people will think of me all the time.
3) Closed identity: Being locked in my past identity sucks. I want to be open and honest with everyone, yet at the same time I don't believe that I can do it. I am so afraid of what people will think of me. Yet when I get past the barrier of my identity I can suddenly trust people and be so much more open with them. I feel like I can't be friends with people easily unless they know me for who I am. I wish I understood this better, but I don't.
4) Lack of motivation: People here are fascinating, but you have to find them. It is such a challenge. I mean this evening I actually talked for an hour or two to people down the hall, but it was a rare experience. I feel like most people here are uninspiring and disappointing. So many people here conform with the party scene. Most people seem to be so satisfied with being drunk. People here care so much about good grades, but nobody seems to see a bigger picture. There is so much out there in the world, inspiration, challenges, hope, wonder, but nobody here seems to see it or care that much. Even the people I thought who would care seem so dismal.

I just want to find my niche here. I want to make close friends like the ones I already have. I want to find love. I want to fit in. I feel so alone. I wish I could enjoy football, alcohol, parties, etc. like everyone else seems to here. I know there are different sorts of people here, but I have not found them yet.

My grandmother inspires me in so many ways. I will miss her dearly, but her passing away also sparks my spirit. I am reminded of all the struggle she went through coming to this country. I realize that I should stop hating this place as much as I do. Instead I should work hard to make the dreams I seek for myself and the rest of my fellow Americans possible. I will work doubly hard tomorrow to support my state senator and senator the next two days. I will focus and study like crazy for my midterm. I will revise my essays and put my soul into my ideas. I will work hard and make a difference in the world for people like my grandma. She made it here, but only after incredible effort. I will try my best to reflect her efforts through my own. I will do my best and that is the best I can do to remember my amazing grandma.

Thank you God for allowing me to know my grandma for these past 18 years. Rest in peace June Shizue Pong. I love you and miss you.

"Runaway" - Devlin ft. Yasmin



This song captures so much of what I feel right now.