Halloween: People and more People

This Halloween was a tough day. I ran for so long today, farther and faster than I have ever run in my life. I guess I ran about 3.3 miles straight and completed another 1.5 miles after a brief respite to soak in the glorious sunshine at Gasworks. This city is so beautiful and it gave my soul some comfort as I deal with all the events of this weekend. I ran to deal with my sadness.

I feel so alone here in so many ways, yet I don't really understand why this is. I am surrounded by good friends. I have so many people I can meet here, yet I feel so uncomfortable around them. In essence there are four problems I am having.
1) Same people: I am meeting the same people from high school and spending so much time with them. This isn't bad necessarily, but it makes me feel like I am stuck in high school, and I hated that experience so much.
2) Fear: I am so afraid to do so many things. I fear drinking alcohol. I fear going to frat parties, or any party for that matter. I fear even talking to certain people (actually most people for that matter). I fear even going to the IMA to work out. I fear what people think of me. I fear being an outcast. I feel so abnormal here, and I am tired of being a loser. I want to just fit in and be myself, but I fear what people will think of me all the time.
3) Closed identity: Being locked in my past identity sucks. I want to be open and honest with everyone, yet at the same time I don't believe that I can do it. I am so afraid of what people will think of me. Yet when I get past the barrier of my identity I can suddenly trust people and be so much more open with them. I feel like I can't be friends with people easily unless they know me for who I am. I wish I understood this better, but I don't.
4) Lack of motivation: People here are fascinating, but you have to find them. It is such a challenge. I mean this evening I actually talked for an hour or two to people down the hall, but it was a rare experience. I feel like most people here are uninspiring and disappointing. So many people here conform with the party scene. Most people seem to be so satisfied with being drunk. People here care so much about good grades, but nobody seems to see a bigger picture. There is so much out there in the world, inspiration, challenges, hope, wonder, but nobody here seems to see it or care that much. Even the people I thought who would care seem so dismal.

I just want to find my niche here. I want to make close friends like the ones I already have. I want to find love. I want to fit in. I feel so alone. I wish I could enjoy football, alcohol, parties, etc. like everyone else seems to here. I know there are different sorts of people here, but I have not found them yet.

My grandmother inspires me in so many ways. I will miss her dearly, but her passing away also sparks my spirit. I am reminded of all the struggle she went through coming to this country. I realize that I should stop hating this place as much as I do. Instead I should work hard to make the dreams I seek for myself and the rest of my fellow Americans possible. I will work doubly hard tomorrow to support my state senator and senator the next two days. I will focus and study like crazy for my midterm. I will revise my essays and put my soul into my ideas. I will work hard and make a difference in the world for people like my grandma. She made it here, but only after incredible effort. I will try my best to reflect her efforts through my own. I will do my best and that is the best I can do to remember my amazing grandma.

Thank you God for allowing me to know my grandma for these past 18 years. Rest in peace June Shizue Pong. I love you and miss you.

"Runaway" - Devlin ft. Yasmin



This song captures so much of what I feel right now.