We hate rules. It's fundamental of the American thought process. But why on earth would rules exist? Why don't we just create our own and trust our judgement? I often feel like not following the rules created by society. What's going to happen to me if I do not follow the rules?
I just watched the end of Dead Like Me, one of my favorite shows. It ended the series through a movie and the characters are grim reapers who must take people's souls before they die so that they don't feel the pain of the death. All the characters have a change in boss and do not feel like following the rules because there seem to be no consequences when the rules are not followed. But then after a while, the breaking of the rules, while not impacting the characters directly, backfires. One character saves a man's life rather than take his soul like destiny meant to happen. Then the man commits suicide be crashing a bus, killing more people.
When we try to control the world by taking over the reigns instead of letting fate go its way, the consequences can be worse in the future. Now, we don't have the power to take people's souls, but we do have the power to control many aspects of our lives and other people's lives. The silly rules that don't seem to have consequences generally have quite dire consequences. And while it might seem easier to break a stupid rule in the short-term, the long-term result may be more painful.
I have a ton of goals that I've already mentioned. By ignoring the goals, the system set up by society for college, a career, and the future, I can enjoy some moments. However, it is frankly unfulfilling. I exist as a part of this society and while I may want to break free from it, perhaps following the guidelines society has laid is better. But like all things we can only follow society in moderation. :) (one or two revolts are acceptable every once in a while)
Metisse "Boom Boom Ba"
excellent song ending the series Dead Like Me
Monday, June 29, 2009
Do Nothing
I spent my last week doing nothing. Nothing substantial towards fulfilling my goals and priorities. I only sufficiently fulfilled my goal to hang out with my friends but otherwise, I didn't really accomplish much. I had a jolly time. That's for sure. But being just jolly and forgetting the worries and goals I have in other matters doesn't just throw away those other goals. I want to do a lot. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to learn as much as I can. I want to be happy with myself. And there are many short-term and long-term goals that weave their way in to my life in order to fulfill my ultimate dreams of sustained happiness and fulfillment.
I want to do well in school. But this week I took a break from the book I need to read and the Japanese work that I wanted to start.
I want to be a great senior class president. But this week I took a break from the duties and didn't even think about the auction.
I want to go to college, so I need to earn money. But this week I did not take any action towards getting a job.
I want to do a lot of things. But I haven't done anything this week because I was lazy and afraid to take action and shake up my easy life.
I realize that in the long-run my life won't be so easy if I just relax and do nothing now. But I also need to relax and take a break from the stress from day to day. I hate doing nothing. It seems so wonderful, but then I sit back and ponder my unaccomplishment leaving me distraught and miserable.
I do not want to sit back and let life pass by. But I don't want to control life either.
I guess the point of life is to figure out at each step of the way how to find that balance. How to make a balance between the work and the play. How to balance stress and relaxation. How to balance friendships, family, and personal time. We have to just go through this journey and accept that it is not going to be smooth, for that would be boring; but it doesn't have to be chaotic if we do not fear the future.
Tomorrow I start my summer classes. Finally I will be doing something. And I will start to do more.... but not too much starting this coming week. Life is like the tides. Ebb and flow. But we all find some sort of balance somehow.
I want to do well in school. But this week I took a break from the book I need to read and the Japanese work that I wanted to start.
I want to be a great senior class president. But this week I took a break from the duties and didn't even think about the auction.
I want to go to college, so I need to earn money. But this week I did not take any action towards getting a job.
I want to do a lot of things. But I haven't done anything this week because I was lazy and afraid to take action and shake up my easy life.
I realize that in the long-run my life won't be so easy if I just relax and do nothing now. But I also need to relax and take a break from the stress from day to day. I hate doing nothing. It seems so wonderful, but then I sit back and ponder my unaccomplishment leaving me distraught and miserable.
I do not want to sit back and let life pass by. But I don't want to control life either.
I guess the point of life is to figure out at each step of the way how to find that balance. How to make a balance between the work and the play. How to balance stress and relaxation. How to balance friendships, family, and personal time. We have to just go through this journey and accept that it is not going to be smooth, for that would be boring; but it doesn't have to be chaotic if we do not fear the future.
Tomorrow I start my summer classes. Finally I will be doing something. And I will start to do more.... but not too much starting this coming week. Life is like the tides. Ebb and flow. But we all find some sort of balance somehow.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Never Be Ready
"Never Be Ready" Mat Kearney
We got our feet on the wire
Talking 'bout flying
Maybe we're diving in over our heads
Scared of what I'm feeling
Staring at the ceiling
Here tonight
Come on and lay down these arms
All our best defenses
We're taking our chances here on the run
The fear is an anchor
Time is a stranger
Love isn't borrowed
We aren't promised tomorrow
We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
You're OK here with me
Here in the silence
With all of the violence crashing around
Saying we can't go
Saying we don't know
[ Mat Kearney Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
This road that is narrow is the one we should follow
We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it's beating faster
Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it's beating faster
Beating faster now
We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, never be ready
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
This song reminded me about my fears and my life and my worries. I always worry so much. I always try to be prepared for everything around me. I always try to be ready, but as the song says "we'll never be ready." I had a sort of epiphany the other day.
I see life as this sort of winding mountain with tunnels and twists and turns and multiple dimensions. Actually more of an intergalactic mountain range. It never actually ends until it actually ends and at this point in my life the mountain range is nowhere close to ending. I can see ahead a bit. But most of the mountains (aka my goals) are covered high in the clouds. I won't always know what to expect. I won't always know what will be ahead. But that's OK! It's okay to not know everything beforehand. It seems so obvious, but for me it has really changed my life to think this way. It means that I can't control everything. It isn't my fault if something goes wrong every time. There is no need to blame and worry about the past mistakes if all I am going to do is worry. Fear is what holds us back. Fear of commitment. Fear of failure. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown.
As the song says: "The fear is the anchor"
"We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready"
And as I think about my cynicism recently towards Obama and his failure to do everything I've wanted, now I have a new mindset: that we are walking down a road unknown. It makes so much sense. We can't just go gallivantering down the future like in the past. We need to tread lightly, while still taking risks. And we won't be perfect, we'll never be ready, but fear is the ultimate anchor to change we can believe in!
Have a peaceful night!
We got our feet on the wire
Talking 'bout flying
Maybe we're diving in over our heads
Scared of what I'm feeling
Staring at the ceiling
Here tonight
Come on and lay down these arms
All our best defenses
We're taking our chances here on the run
The fear is an anchor
Time is a stranger
Love isn't borrowed
We aren't promised tomorrow
We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
You're OK here with me
Here in the silence
With all of the violence crashing around
Saying we can't go
Saying we don't know
[ Mat Kearney Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
This road that is narrow is the one we should follow
We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it's beating faster
Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it's beating faster
Beating faster now
We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, never be ready
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
This song reminded me about my fears and my life and my worries. I always worry so much. I always try to be prepared for everything around me. I always try to be ready, but as the song says "we'll never be ready." I had a sort of epiphany the other day.
I see life as this sort of winding mountain with tunnels and twists and turns and multiple dimensions. Actually more of an intergalactic mountain range. It never actually ends until it actually ends and at this point in my life the mountain range is nowhere close to ending. I can see ahead a bit. But most of the mountains (aka my goals) are covered high in the clouds. I won't always know what to expect. I won't always know what will be ahead. But that's OK! It's okay to not know everything beforehand. It seems so obvious, but for me it has really changed my life to think this way. It means that I can't control everything. It isn't my fault if something goes wrong every time. There is no need to blame and worry about the past mistakes if all I am going to do is worry. Fear is what holds us back. Fear of commitment. Fear of failure. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown.
As the song says: "The fear is the anchor"
"We'll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready
When we don't know, though we can't see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we'll never be ready"
And as I think about my cynicism recently towards Obama and his failure to do everything I've wanted, now I have a new mindset: that we are walking down a road unknown. It makes so much sense. We can't just go gallivantering down the future like in the past. We need to tread lightly, while still taking risks. And we won't be perfect, we'll never be ready, but fear is the ultimate anchor to change we can believe in!
Have a peaceful night!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Wander
It's time to escape. And enjoy life. School's finally over!!! And at last, I'm free. But for once I feel relieved that I won't be collapsing in the summer and succumbing to laziness; instead I have a flexible plan that will allow be to feel fulfilled and relaxed.
I'm not going anywhere this summer. And it's rather refreshing. I just want to enjoy this summer with my friends. I want to be crazy (without any drugs or sex or such...). I want to be free. I want to be myself. It's out of this world. But I can enjoy my life. I can take a break from it all. I just want to take in every moment and thoroughly inhale it. Yesterday I went randomly with my friend to Newcastle and this lake that was only like 5 min. away, but I had never been to. And it was so beautiful and exuberant. It really wasn't that special, but the rolling hills and the awkward trees and the playground and the small lake made it so calm and unique. It really reminded me of a Washington version of Walden Pond. It had all the Transcendentalist thinking to it. It made me feel free and open. I love nature. It just opens my soul to new emotions, thoughts, and pathways.
My future is bright. I'm finally a Senior. To think that it is my last year of high school and everything is coming to a close. And to be lucky enough to be the president of my class! I can't believe my life right now. I'm so excited for this next year. Colleges, classes, friends, opportunities, activism, service, challenges, and all the stuff that comes along with being a Senior. I love all of it in the same way that I love the homeless guys at Berkeley. Nobody understands my passion for these kinds of things, but I truly love the reality. I love life. I love life. I really love life!
I saw Up yesterday. It was a spectacular cinematic presentation. I was astounded by the plot and intrigued by the distinctiveness of each character. There was an Asian kid too! And to top it all off I had my friends with me. Every moment with my friends I cherish so deeply. What if they were gone tomorrow or I was no longer here? I need to enjoy all the moments I can. I had the most horrible dream that one of my best friends died, and I cannot imagine how I could live my life without some of my best friends. I just need to appreciate them more. I know that I want to prioritize my friendships if I have to put anything first.
I have plans. I am going to my next therapy session tomorrow to figure out how to deal with the expectations. I am excited to finally be putting it all together. I am excited to finally be figuring it out piece by piece like a jigsaw puzzle. Maybe I can start one of those.... I am doing classes at the community college (fun ones like art and p.e.). I am teaching my sister math. I am reading. I am planning an auction. I am figuring out college applications. I am doing so many things, but nothing too overwhelming and stressful. I am stressed right now about martial arts testing because I need to pass and practice and write essays beforehand, but I know I can do it. I finally feel like I am accomplishing things. I was stuck in a rut for so long worrying about things, but now I am moving forward. I know what my priorities are.
Friendships.
Family.
Community.
Awareness.
Learning.
Health.
Love.
Rest.
But I also know what my priorities aren't:
Internet.
Keeping up with the preps/jocks.
Trying to be friends with the people who I don't click with.
Doing random activities to build my resume.
Grades.
I wish I could care less about my passions for my friends, family, community, and learning, but I can't stop! I love these things so much. I want to make a difference in this wonderful world. Alas, I can't stop resting and loving and staying healthy. I guess I just have to lower some of my extreme expectations in these areas, or gain the ability to do more of it. But the key is not worrying about always being perfect in all these areas. I can do my best and feel fulfilled with it.
My biggest goal this summer is to feel the euphoria I achieve around friends and beauty. I want to wander Seattle. I want to explore the city and see the sunset at Alki. I want to be immersed in the sounds, sites, and wonderment of it all!
God, I love the world you have created. Thank you!
"We Own the Sky" M83
This song summarizes what I want my summer to be... maybe you can sense one of my more hidden goals....
I'm not going anywhere this summer. And it's rather refreshing. I just want to enjoy this summer with my friends. I want to be crazy (without any drugs or sex or such...). I want to be free. I want to be myself. It's out of this world. But I can enjoy my life. I can take a break from it all. I just want to take in every moment and thoroughly inhale it. Yesterday I went randomly with my friend to Newcastle and this lake that was only like 5 min. away, but I had never been to. And it was so beautiful and exuberant. It really wasn't that special, but the rolling hills and the awkward trees and the playground and the small lake made it so calm and unique. It really reminded me of a Washington version of Walden Pond. It had all the Transcendentalist thinking to it. It made me feel free and open. I love nature. It just opens my soul to new emotions, thoughts, and pathways.
My future is bright. I'm finally a Senior. To think that it is my last year of high school and everything is coming to a close. And to be lucky enough to be the president of my class! I can't believe my life right now. I'm so excited for this next year. Colleges, classes, friends, opportunities, activism, service, challenges, and all the stuff that comes along with being a Senior. I love all of it in the same way that I love the homeless guys at Berkeley. Nobody understands my passion for these kinds of things, but I truly love the reality. I love life. I love life. I really love life!
I saw Up yesterday. It was a spectacular cinematic presentation. I was astounded by the plot and intrigued by the distinctiveness of each character. There was an Asian kid too! And to top it all off I had my friends with me. Every moment with my friends I cherish so deeply. What if they were gone tomorrow or I was no longer here? I need to enjoy all the moments I can. I had the most horrible dream that one of my best friends died, and I cannot imagine how I could live my life without some of my best friends. I just need to appreciate them more. I know that I want to prioritize my friendships if I have to put anything first.
I have plans. I am going to my next therapy session tomorrow to figure out how to deal with the expectations. I am excited to finally be putting it all together. I am excited to finally be figuring it out piece by piece like a jigsaw puzzle. Maybe I can start one of those.... I am doing classes at the community college (fun ones like art and p.e.). I am teaching my sister math. I am reading. I am planning an auction. I am figuring out college applications. I am doing so many things, but nothing too overwhelming and stressful. I am stressed right now about martial arts testing because I need to pass and practice and write essays beforehand, but I know I can do it. I finally feel like I am accomplishing things. I was stuck in a rut for so long worrying about things, but now I am moving forward. I know what my priorities are.
Friendships.
Family.
Community.
Awareness.
Learning.
Health.
Love.
Rest.
But I also know what my priorities aren't:
Internet.
Keeping up with the preps/jocks.
Trying to be friends with the people who I don't click with.
Doing random activities to build my resume.
Grades.
I wish I could care less about my passions for my friends, family, community, and learning, but I can't stop! I love these things so much. I want to make a difference in this wonderful world. Alas, I can't stop resting and loving and staying healthy. I guess I just have to lower some of my extreme expectations in these areas, or gain the ability to do more of it. But the key is not worrying about always being perfect in all these areas. I can do my best and feel fulfilled with it.
My biggest goal this summer is to feel the euphoria I achieve around friends and beauty. I want to wander Seattle. I want to explore the city and see the sunset at Alki. I want to be immersed in the sounds, sites, and wonderment of it all!
God, I love the world you have created. Thank you!
"We Own the Sky" M83
This song summarizes what I want my summer to be... maybe you can sense one of my more hidden goals....
Sunday, June 14, 2009
What a Mess
Life is such a mess. Entropy they call it. The disorganization of energy. Quite fascinating indeed. My life seems to be filled with entropy. I hope that I can at least bring my life together a bit just to be stable, but inevitably life goes on and will unravel itself. Dealing with the unraveling is the tough part.
I look forward to the summer. Freedom in less than 12 hours. I cannot even believe that school will basically be over for me in 11 hours. I have two more classes afterwards without any finals, so they don't matter. So my school is basically over. And I will be a Senior headed toward my last summer. College apps are approaching. I'm going to BCC. I'm trying to get a job. I'm going to start reorganizing my life. Reducing the effect of entropy. I'm going to explore and enjoy life. I'm going to sleep.
But so much is to be done alone.... and that's the saddest part. No companion. It's so weird considering that last summer I had someone, but I didn't get to enjoy it. But it wasn't mean to be for the two of us. But who am I going to spend my summer with this year? Friends are lovely, but there's always that one person who we all search for. Someone to lean on and to lean on to me. I hope I can enjoy that kind of a summer. But alas, I must focus on my studies and my future. Love will have to wait.... :(
Dramatic song:
"New American Classic" Taking Back Sunday
I look forward to the summer. Freedom in less than 12 hours. I cannot even believe that school will basically be over for me in 11 hours. I have two more classes afterwards without any finals, so they don't matter. So my school is basically over. And I will be a Senior headed toward my last summer. College apps are approaching. I'm going to BCC. I'm trying to get a job. I'm going to start reorganizing my life. Reducing the effect of entropy. I'm going to explore and enjoy life. I'm going to sleep.
But so much is to be done alone.... and that's the saddest part. No companion. It's so weird considering that last summer I had someone, but I didn't get to enjoy it. But it wasn't mean to be for the two of us. But who am I going to spend my summer with this year? Friends are lovely, but there's always that one person who we all search for. Someone to lean on and to lean on to me. I hope I can enjoy that kind of a summer. But alas, I must focus on my studies and my future. Love will have to wait.... :(
Dramatic song:
"New American Classic" Taking Back Sunday
Release Me
Release me...
from the trap of sickness and head ache. from the pain. from the procrastination. from the bad habits.
Release me....
from the laziness. from the desperation. from the selfishness. from the addictions. from the narcissism. from the lack of self-discipline. from the lack of determination. from the disorderliness.
Release me.....
from the emotions. from the weight of my expectations. from the depressing thoughts that prevail. from the overarching idealism. from the horrors of reality. from the confusion. from the pressures of society. from the illogicality of life. from the constraints of the system.
Release me......
from the schoolwork. from the computer. from the internet. from the junk food. from the orthodontics. from the responsibilities. from the television. from my needs. from my urgencies.
Release me.......
from worry. from fear. from hate. from love. from passion. from friendship. from sadness. from craziness.
Release me........
from this world.
I just want to find peace. I just want order. I just want life to be less bumpy. Of course the bumps make life what it is, but I just want life to work out sometimes. I want to get over my vices. I want to make a difference. But I need to let go most of all from the worries I hold on to.
Release me.......................................................... from the stress.
"Release Me" by Agnes (what an excellent song and artist!!)
from the trap of sickness and head ache. from the pain. from the procrastination. from the bad habits.
Release me....
from the laziness. from the desperation. from the selfishness. from the addictions. from the narcissism. from the lack of self-discipline. from the lack of determination. from the disorderliness.
Release me.....
from the emotions. from the weight of my expectations. from the depressing thoughts that prevail. from the overarching idealism. from the horrors of reality. from the confusion. from the pressures of society. from the illogicality of life. from the constraints of the system.
Release me......
from the schoolwork. from the computer. from the internet. from the junk food. from the orthodontics. from the responsibilities. from the television. from my needs. from my urgencies.
Release me.......
from worry. from fear. from hate. from love. from passion. from friendship. from sadness. from craziness.
Release me........
from this world.
I just want to find peace. I just want order. I just want life to be less bumpy. Of course the bumps make life what it is, but I just want life to work out sometimes. I want to get over my vices. I want to make a difference. But I need to let go most of all from the worries I hold on to.
Release me.......................................................... from the stress.
"Release Me" by Agnes (what an excellent song and artist!!)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
She Is Love
I found this song, "She is Love" by Parachute, and for some reason it made me think even though I thought the song was pretty lame and not very inspiring. But it still touched my heart. It's about devotion and finding that love for your life. It talks about the way we all fall in love and it's so romanticist, it just makes me feel incredibly idealistic.
Love. It's one of those feelings I search for. We all have those crushes and I hope I can find that love one day. Love's all I need in this world of ours.
yay friends!
Love. It's one of those feelings I search for. We all have those crushes and I hope I can find that love one day. Love's all I need in this world of ours.
yay friends!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Pathetique
Tonight I heard a masterpiece and saw one later on. I went to the Evergreen Spring Orchestra Concert and I was so utterly surprised at how it took me away. It really did send me places and made me feel wonderful. I listened to Pathetique by Tchaikovsky, and although I know almost nothing about classical music this performance was astounding. It reached deep into my heart, every vibration and strum, the passionate expressions shown on the faces of the players, the pounding of the percussion, and the waving of the bows. It was psychotic at times, restful at others. All the various sounds blended into the most picturesque melody and I just sat there and absorbed it all. In the first movement I heard the safari of Africa and the tribulations of the wildebeest. Then I traveled into a nostalgic and fluttery childhood state in the second movement. And then came the perfect third movement. It was crazy. I imagined I was a Chinese immigrant coming across the Pacific in the turbulent waves and then seeing the seagulls and various other adventures along the way. I landed in California and saw the golden hope. I worked on the railroad and suffered and then saw Yosemite, the Sierras, and the Great Basin. I reached the end of the railroad in Promontory, Utah, and suddenly was riding the train in glory home. But more challenges awaited me. And I ended it all in a sort of excited peace, knowing that the future had great things in store for me.
At this point I felt a connection to my interpretation of the music. I was inspired. I heard such beauty and I felt like making a change to the world. Taking action. Working hard. And making an effort toward improving this great world and the many voices and talents and beauty within it. I know that if I keep up a motivated and harmonious mindset I will see an amazing future.
I sure love classical music.
Even better was the sunset that I witnessed as I came home. It was the most spectacular sunset I had ever seen. The clouds were tinged pink and orange. Then the sun warily lowered and I could see the rain clouds on the Olympics. The wind blew brilliantly, knocking out power but also instilling in me such a spirit. I feel energized for the future and motivated to help the world and make a life for myself. I just need to sustain the motivation.
At this point I felt a connection to my interpretation of the music. I was inspired. I heard such beauty and I felt like making a change to the world. Taking action. Working hard. And making an effort toward improving this great world and the many voices and talents and beauty within it. I know that if I keep up a motivated and harmonious mindset I will see an amazing future.
I sure love classical music.
Even better was the sunset that I witnessed as I came home. It was the most spectacular sunset I had ever seen. The clouds were tinged pink and orange. Then the sun warily lowered and I could see the rain clouds on the Olympics. The wind blew brilliantly, knocking out power but also instilling in me such a spirit. I feel energized for the future and motivated to help the world and make a life for myself. I just need to sustain the motivation.
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