There's a lot to think about in the future. College letters are in one month. Decisions are in two. Prom is in three months and five days. Graduation is six days after that. AP tests, Hawaii, birthdays, fundraisers, scholarship applications, martial arts, tolo, runs, community service, temple, family, friends, work, school, and sleep all come in between all that. Yet it all seems so predictable. Life is about the unpredictable. Life is about the moments that really make your heart beat fast. The moments that make you cry uncontrollably. The ones that make you laugh without end. The physical exhaustion or mental exhaustion that makes you collapse, yet shows your bravest and strongest moments. The bitter end to the tensions that bind us. The war and the peace. The mistakes and the accomplishments.
I spent this weekend mostly detached from life. My movie with friends was fun and relaxing. I needed that. The rest of my weekend was Olympic filled and dull. I did homework, and watched tv. I loved the thrill of the hockey game today, gold medal match with the tightest fight between Canada and America. It's so marvelous to have your team win after all that pent up emotion.
But the Olympics are over. My last Olympics at home. My last February at home. Life is racing by. I cannot let it just pass. I wish people understood how I felt. I feel so trapped by so many of my own fears that I cannot grasp these moments. But we have to. Tomorrow there could be an 8.8 earthquake, or I could crash my car. At least I can try to live for the moment.
Love. Do I fight for it? Do I wait for it to come to me? Do I make myself look better? Do I sulk and hide in the corner? Do I start smoking? Do I open my heart more? I don't even know who I like. I don't even know what it really feels like. I feel like I have never really had a crush before. Yet I feel like I have.
Life ahead is scary. I am not afraid though. I have made so many mistakes this year. I have fallen so much. I am barely pulling through, but I've made it this far. I haven't succumbed to the fate of Sylvia Plath. I am alive and that's all that matters.
"Nara" - E.S. Posthumus
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Addiction to Service?
I think I am suffering withdrawal symptoms from lack of community service. Awesome. Thank god I am teaching Hebrew tomorrow.
So many people live their lives without doing anything to help. I definitely am one of the selfish people on Earth. It's easy. It's comfortable. I can focus on myself, play sporcle, do homework, watch tv, and be comfortable. But comfort definitely doesn't equal happiness. People make me uncomfortable. Time makes me uncomfortable. Risk makes me uncomfortable. I am so closed off from the world. I am so closed minded. I see myself in so many people. I am too comfortable with my messes, and too easily stressed by the thought of cleaning them up.
I keep thinking recently that I have burned out. Then again I have never lived as much as I do know. I have stronger friendships than ever before in my life. I have more to do in my life. College. Scholarship apps. Community Service. Work. School (never easier). Martial Arts. Health. Leadership. And yet I am so limited by all this because I can't seem to grasp it all. I am so easily overwhelmed. I feel so weak. I feel like I am declining. But I am not. I just need to find balance. Everything in moderation. Limit my internet use, for example. That's my goal for this next week. No Olympics, no crazy workload, just a focus on sleep, friends, scholarships, and school. Nothing else. Avoid sporcle. Avoid facebook. Maybe blog. But less wandering. Less aimlessness. Life is about purpose.
I know so many people who procrastinate so much. They almost treat it like it is a good thing. I make plans with people and they promise to arrive somewhere at some time, say 10 o'clock. Yet they manage to come at 10:30, 11, or even later. It ruins all the fun. And it bothers me that they blow it off like its no big deal. And each individual time it isn't. But it messes up my life when my friends and peers are late. It's important to take life a little less seriously, but how can it be a good thing to be late? For me it's an issue of dishonesty and trust, that's all.
I need some more uncomfortable experiences in my life so I can write more!
Off to the skies, thrive on the ground.
"Down" - Something Corporate
So many people live their lives without doing anything to help. I definitely am one of the selfish people on Earth. It's easy. It's comfortable. I can focus on myself, play sporcle, do homework, watch tv, and be comfortable. But comfort definitely doesn't equal happiness. People make me uncomfortable. Time makes me uncomfortable. Risk makes me uncomfortable. I am so closed off from the world. I am so closed minded. I see myself in so many people. I am too comfortable with my messes, and too easily stressed by the thought of cleaning them up.
I keep thinking recently that I have burned out. Then again I have never lived as much as I do know. I have stronger friendships than ever before in my life. I have more to do in my life. College. Scholarship apps. Community Service. Work. School (never easier). Martial Arts. Health. Leadership. And yet I am so limited by all this because I can't seem to grasp it all. I am so easily overwhelmed. I feel so weak. I feel like I am declining. But I am not. I just need to find balance. Everything in moderation. Limit my internet use, for example. That's my goal for this next week. No Olympics, no crazy workload, just a focus on sleep, friends, scholarships, and school. Nothing else. Avoid sporcle. Avoid facebook. Maybe blog. But less wandering. Less aimlessness. Life is about purpose.
I know so many people who procrastinate so much. They almost treat it like it is a good thing. I make plans with people and they promise to arrive somewhere at some time, say 10 o'clock. Yet they manage to come at 10:30, 11, or even later. It ruins all the fun. And it bothers me that they blow it off like its no big deal. And each individual time it isn't. But it messes up my life when my friends and peers are late. It's important to take life a little less seriously, but how can it be a good thing to be late? For me it's an issue of dishonesty and trust, that's all.
I need some more uncomfortable experiences in my life so I can write more!
Off to the skies, thrive on the ground.
"Down" - Something Corporate
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Seas of Craziness
Did you watch the ladies figure skating short program tonight? I saw Kim Yu-Na, the queen of figure skating, Mao Asada, the technical master, and Miki Ando, the athlete. But the most inspirational performance was the emotional skate of Joannie Rochette of my adopted country for the Olympics, Canada. Her mother, her biggest fan, passed away three days ago. Her tears streamed after she gave the most memorable skate ever - not only was the emotional presence gigantic, her score was her personal best! I cried after watching her. I cannot imagine going out in front of millions to skate against some of the most crazy skaters in the world, yet she is still in medal contention against the queens of figure skating. Come on Joannie, you can get a medal! I believe in you and you have one gold through your heart.
Life is about the seas of craziness. We often fall in ponds, lakes, even oceans of misery, despair, and chaos. Those who can swim and escape are the inspirations of this world. Most people barely tread the water, and often drown, accepting the seas grasp. However we cannot let the sea overtake us. It is scary to face the waves, sharks, and winds. It is frightening to face the obstacles, fears, and grievances. Nevertheless we must swim.
Life is crazy. Life is marvelous. Every day I am learning some new. Every day I am being more inspired to live. Every day I am becoming more human. Every day I am becoming more of me. I see so many people who are afraid of discomfort. So many people are afraid to take risks to become better humans. My boss for example appears to be so afraid to speak to her employees, and only knows how to criticize or speak to us like children. I cannot assume, but I feel like she lives in her little box, afraid to face the discomfort of new approaches. Then again, Kumon itself is all about fearing those new approaches. The reason none of these new ways of learning don't work is because everyone is afraid to figure them out. People are so afraid in this world to try new things.
Yes there are consequences, but if we don't venture out into the sea we will never know what is on the other side.
"Go Do" - Jonsi
Life is about the seas of craziness. We often fall in ponds, lakes, even oceans of misery, despair, and chaos. Those who can swim and escape are the inspirations of this world. Most people barely tread the water, and often drown, accepting the seas grasp. However we cannot let the sea overtake us. It is scary to face the waves, sharks, and winds. It is frightening to face the obstacles, fears, and grievances. Nevertheless we must swim.
Life is crazy. Life is marvelous. Every day I am learning some new. Every day I am being more inspired to live. Every day I am becoming more human. Every day I am becoming more of me. I see so many people who are afraid of discomfort. So many people are afraid to take risks to become better humans. My boss for example appears to be so afraid to speak to her employees, and only knows how to criticize or speak to us like children. I cannot assume, but I feel like she lives in her little box, afraid to face the discomfort of new approaches. Then again, Kumon itself is all about fearing those new approaches. The reason none of these new ways of learning don't work is because everyone is afraid to figure them out. People are so afraid in this world to try new things.
Yes there are consequences, but if we don't venture out into the sea we will never know what is on the other side.
"Go Do" - Jonsi
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 5: Chandler, AZ - Unspoken Misery
Today we finally are leaving the Valley of the Sun. I needed a book and new shoes, so we drove down another monotonous freeway to another ubiquitous mall in Chandler, another typical suburb. I felt so exhausted and I had no reason for it. I was perturbed by the smallest frustration, like some prissy Beverly Hills boy. All this sunshine, farmy air, and strip mall suburbia was really getting to me. After all my experiences and conflicts this week, I felt ashamed for my restlessness in the mall, but suburban malls are really boring especially with my family.
My parents really do treat life, family, and everything like work. There is a to-do list in my household. Someone is to blame for every mishap. However we seem to never be happy. We all complain about everything, especially each other. It's so sad that we cannot enjoy each others' company, especially awkward through our lack of conversation. We sit there at lunch with nothing to speak about. I feel like my entire family is lost like me. It is really sad. Other than the necessities of a family, a house, chaffeuring to extracurricular activities, and of course the good ole' family dinner, we have no bond. Maybe that's all one needs in a family. I just hope I can raise a better family than the one I have.
My new shoes are not exactly what I wanted. My whole life is not exactly what I want. Nothing ever seems to be perfect, but that's what is spectacular about life. These are problems everywhere. There are wonders everywhere. If life wasn't crazy, it would all be one giant, flat, dull suburb in the Valley of the Sun.
Goodbye Gilbert, Chandler, Mesa, Phoenix, and the non-stop list of Wild West suburbs. I love you Washington, your hills, incessant rain, and awkward culture.
"Hello Seattle" - Owl City
My parents really do treat life, family, and everything like work. There is a to-do list in my household. Someone is to blame for every mishap. However we seem to never be happy. We all complain about everything, especially each other. It's so sad that we cannot enjoy each others' company, especially awkward through our lack of conversation. We sit there at lunch with nothing to speak about. I feel like my entire family is lost like me. It is really sad. Other than the necessities of a family, a house, chaffeuring to extracurricular activities, and of course the good ole' family dinner, we have no bond. Maybe that's all one needs in a family. I just hope I can raise a better family than the one I have.
My new shoes are not exactly what I wanted. My whole life is not exactly what I want. Nothing ever seems to be perfect, but that's what is spectacular about life. These are problems everywhere. There are wonders everywhere. If life wasn't crazy, it would all be one giant, flat, dull suburb in the Valley of the Sun.
Goodbye Gilbert, Chandler, Mesa, Phoenix, and the non-stop list of Wild West suburbs. I love you Washington, your hills, incessant rain, and awkward culture.
"Hello Seattle" - Owl City
Day 4: Glendale, AZ - Comparison
I went to dinner with one of my dad's business partners in the dull suburb of Glendale. As always we spoke of each others' families and all the bragging and one-upping began. Of course we did not blatantly brag about ourselves, but we always put our best image forward. We never met the kid of the other family, but they sure did seem perfect. The boy, "Andy," was the ideal child, doing his homework immediately after school, sleeping promptly at nine, and setting his bed perfectly. Sometimes I wish I was that focused and regimented, especially after all my whining and fighting with my sister that night about our beds and other trivialities, I wonder why I can't be like everyone else. I wish I was a kind, caring, and loving, brother. I wish I was the ideal son who plays football, has confidence, does not worry, but instead I am me. I definitely should change some of my more hideous habits like my whining and worry, but I don't need to bhe the perfect Andy or some Olympian. I am me, and I need to be happy with that. I am determined to live to my fullest potential, but the mistakes, failures, and lassitudes make me real.
"The Prayer" - Bloc Party
"The Prayer" - Bloc Party
Day 4: Sedona, AZ - Vortex
When you're in the Phoenix suburbs you leave the Valley of the Sun to have fun. This morning we drove pas the incessant sprawl bleeding over the desert out north through the rolling hills, valleys, and mesas to Sedona, red rock country. This is a unique place. The adobe houses and gorgeous views seem so idyllic. The area is harsh, barren, yet verdant with a bitterly refreshing wind.
Then we head to the so called "vortexes" after lunch. Supposedly at these beautiful vistas, there are massive amounts of energy. To me it's all mumbo jumbo, but there is something awe-inspiring about climbing to the top of a butte and soaking up all that sunshine, wind, and landscape. The layered red rock, and forested valleys brought about a euphoric feeling.
While I felt a rush of happiness it was time to move to a different vortex, so-called inflow because it is supposed to inspire introspective thought. Normally I don't believe this stuff, but since I was here I lowered my prejudices and placed my faith in nature. Amongst the spectacle of the Bonyton Canyon, I suddenly was overwhelmed with thought. I climbed to a comfortable place on a butte ledge and believed in those high rock walls. I peered up the faces of the canyon to the snowy ledges and all my worries and fears intoxicated me. I asked God all these questions about life and the harsh wind against my shirt seemed to signal some guidance.
I realized that courage, confidence, and faith are really key to life. There is so little I can do to change people around me, but through courage, confidence, and faith, I can be the person I want to be. I need courage to be different. As I queried the energies of the canyon about all my friendship and fears, I realized that I have to just lead my own path instead of comfortably allowing others to guide my way. Through my personal courage I can find and retain that identity I yearn for. If I have the confidence to take the leaps and risk to build relationships and myself, I can be more human, more in tune with my dreams. I don't know what will happen in my future, but faith will help. I need to plow my own path. With faith I can trust that everything will work out; I can lead my life fearlessly.
These vortexes may be real or fake, but Sedona really hit me. Nothing in life is truly magical or perfect, but I feel that life is meant to be that way. Maybe we need to believe in tackiness sometimes or take ourselves outside our comfort zones more often.
I feel like I am encased as a youth in a series of thick sheets of bubble wrap. Some people I know have shredded away many layers of plastic, but most of us, even into our adult years only pop a few of the bubbles and find a comfortable place suffocating inside the plastic. We suddenly are frightened by the sound of popping, the small mishaps in life, and stop trying to break free. Nobody is ever totally free from the bubble wrap, but I hope I can clear out the plastic sheets that cocoon me and be more real, more human, more me.
"Drive" - Incubus
Then we head to the so called "vortexes" after lunch. Supposedly at these beautiful vistas, there are massive amounts of energy. To me it's all mumbo jumbo, but there is something awe-inspiring about climbing to the top of a butte and soaking up all that sunshine, wind, and landscape. The layered red rock, and forested valleys brought about a euphoric feeling.
While I felt a rush of happiness it was time to move to a different vortex, so-called inflow because it is supposed to inspire introspective thought. Normally I don't believe this stuff, but since I was here I lowered my prejudices and placed my faith in nature. Amongst the spectacle of the Bonyton Canyon, I suddenly was overwhelmed with thought. I climbed to a comfortable place on a butte ledge and believed in those high rock walls. I peered up the faces of the canyon to the snowy ledges and all my worries and fears intoxicated me. I asked God all these questions about life and the harsh wind against my shirt seemed to signal some guidance.
I realized that courage, confidence, and faith are really key to life. There is so little I can do to change people around me, but through courage, confidence, and faith, I can be the person I want to be. I need courage to be different. As I queried the energies of the canyon about all my friendship and fears, I realized that I have to just lead my own path instead of comfortably allowing others to guide my way. Through my personal courage I can find and retain that identity I yearn for. If I have the confidence to take the leaps and risk to build relationships and myself, I can be more human, more in tune with my dreams. I don't know what will happen in my future, but faith will help. I need to plow my own path. With faith I can trust that everything will work out; I can lead my life fearlessly.
These vortexes may be real or fake, but Sedona really hit me. Nothing in life is truly magical or perfect, but I feel that life is meant to be that way. Maybe we need to believe in tackiness sometimes or take ourselves outside our comfort zones more often.
I feel like I am encased as a youth in a series of thick sheets of bubble wrap. Some people I know have shredded away many layers of plastic, but most of us, even into our adult years only pop a few of the bubbles and find a comfortable place suffocating inside the plastic. We suddenly are frightened by the sound of popping, the small mishaps in life, and stop trying to break free. Nobody is ever totally free from the bubble wrap, but I hope I can clear out the plastic sheets that cocoon me and be more real, more human, more me.
"Drive" - Incubus
Day 3: Gilbert, AZ - Run; Heat
Eighty degrees at noon, when I decided to run. Who could be that stupid? As I ran beneath the beaming Arizona sun, I was mostly overwhelmed with exhaustion. However as I listened to my music and kept pushing forward, like some focused crazed Olympian, I felt proud of myself, thrilled by my insanity, and purely excited. Life offers many odd chances, and this was a rare bit of euphoria, yet with intense pain. When I think back on the economic challenges of America, or my punishing college search, I feel like some frustration, pain, and challenge is necessary in life. It is when you really push yourself beyond your limits that you can find yourself.
I just realized today that I was unusually calm and well. I think today was the first healthy, awake, and stress-free day since a few days in California in December. Perhaps if I lay off a bit from all my life obligations and craziness I can be happier. I can work ahead to achieve my future dreams, but I really need to enjoy life at the moment here and now.
I have may friends and I just wish I could spend more time with them. However I have now realized that it is not the amount of time one spends with friends, but the quality of that time. And that quality can only improve with substantial self-care. Sleep, prayer, hobbies, mistakes, exercise, and an sense of self and place really make one healthy and happy.
"Square One" - Coldplay
I just realized today that I was unusually calm and well. I think today was the first healthy, awake, and stress-free day since a few days in California in December. Perhaps if I lay off a bit from all my life obligations and craziness I can be happier. I can work ahead to achieve my future dreams, but I really need to enjoy life at the moment here and now.
I have may friends and I just wish I could spend more time with them. However I have now realized that it is not the amount of time one spends with friends, but the quality of that time. And that quality can only improve with substantial self-care. Sleep, prayer, hobbies, mistakes, exercise, and an sense of self and place really make one healthy and happy.
"Square One" - Coldplay
Day 2: Gilbert, AZ - Friends & Family
(Day 1 was unimportant; I was sleeping)
Here in the suburban sprawl of Phoenix, the Valley of the Sun, there is plenty of sunshine, but little character. These housing developments lie on flat desert ground gated from the rest of the world. The houses are just houses, a few have added homeliness, but so many are plain, dull, and pathetic. No grass to relax upon and watch the nonexistant clouds, just gravel and constant blue skies. There are just so many people here all in the unsustainable desert. The roads are all straight, the schools look like mental asylums of brick. Even the steel traffic light poles lose the marvel of the wired ones hanging precariously above the streets. All the telephone lines are underground, there are only aqueducts, and hills are the mere folklore. It seems like everyone here has a McMansion, a truck, and mega malls, but where is the community? What about diversity amongst all these fair skinned, blond, and surprisingly rotund people (I guess nobody exercises when its 100 degrees all the time). This place seems so nice on a surface level, but dreadfully boring and miserable on the deeper level. I guess some people are satisfied with material goods. My parents agree that this is the way to live. And I guess in some way money is necessary for comfort, family, and security. Nevertheless money does not equal happiness.
My stomach hurt today like icicles stabbing me, and I realized how important taking care of oneself is. If i am not healthy and well, I cannot achieve any of my goals, and it is so difficult ot be happy in constant sickness and pain. The one thing I have really been missing when I have been trying to figure out all my self-improvement has been this well-being.
I have really thought about my family after spending hours with them here. Despite all our blood relation and seemingly perfect lifestyle there is so much brooding unhappiness. Life seem like such a chore with my family. My mom still blames everyone for everything. My dad is aloof and unchangeable. My sister is a beacon of hope, but she is growing into the worst diva ever. The more time I spend with my family, the less I appreciate them. They resemble the Valley of the Sun, nice on the outside, miserable within.
Then there are my friendships. I have several groups of friends. However I have my best group of tight knit friends as well. I never fit in with my "Christian" friend group from middle school because I am too prudish ironically. Then I was thinking about my "AP/perfectionist" friend group. Once they had a party and I was gracious to receive the invitation, but they treat me like I am an outcast. Its like they only like the people who fit in, whatever that means. My problem is that I fit in, but I don't feel like I bring anything to the group. I seem so forgettable and unimportant among them; there is little kinship between us. It feels like I am in a glass room and I cannot walk into it. I never understand I try to be friendly, but I can't enter. One of my friends, he's appreciated for his humor, while another is appreciated for his charisma. What about my? My moodiness? My effeminate nature? I seem to have no identity (or at least an identity I am proud of). The question of who I am has never been so prominent. How can I be both unique and fit in? I wonder how everyone else does it. The cross-country skiers who perform and top shape and still have lives, how do they do it? HOw do the politicians balance family life with all their events and speeches? Just being an adult seems difficult enough. Happiness seems like such a high order with all that success we aim for. Perhaps life is not a horrible chore.
My goal: find happiness even in the most miserable place - Gilbert, AZ
"Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
Here in the suburban sprawl of Phoenix, the Valley of the Sun, there is plenty of sunshine, but little character. These housing developments lie on flat desert ground gated from the rest of the world. The houses are just houses, a few have added homeliness, but so many are plain, dull, and pathetic. No grass to relax upon and watch the nonexistant clouds, just gravel and constant blue skies. There are just so many people here all in the unsustainable desert. The roads are all straight, the schools look like mental asylums of brick. Even the steel traffic light poles lose the marvel of the wired ones hanging precariously above the streets. All the telephone lines are underground, there are only aqueducts, and hills are the mere folklore. It seems like everyone here has a McMansion, a truck, and mega malls, but where is the community? What about diversity amongst all these fair skinned, blond, and surprisingly rotund people (I guess nobody exercises when its 100 degrees all the time). This place seems so nice on a surface level, but dreadfully boring and miserable on the deeper level. I guess some people are satisfied with material goods. My parents agree that this is the way to live. And I guess in some way money is necessary for comfort, family, and security. Nevertheless money does not equal happiness.
My stomach hurt today like icicles stabbing me, and I realized how important taking care of oneself is. If i am not healthy and well, I cannot achieve any of my goals, and it is so difficult ot be happy in constant sickness and pain. The one thing I have really been missing when I have been trying to figure out all my self-improvement has been this well-being.
I have really thought about my family after spending hours with them here. Despite all our blood relation and seemingly perfect lifestyle there is so much brooding unhappiness. Life seem like such a chore with my family. My mom still blames everyone for everything. My dad is aloof and unchangeable. My sister is a beacon of hope, but she is growing into the worst diva ever. The more time I spend with my family, the less I appreciate them. They resemble the Valley of the Sun, nice on the outside, miserable within.
Then there are my friendships. I have several groups of friends. However I have my best group of tight knit friends as well. I never fit in with my "Christian" friend group from middle school because I am too prudish ironically. Then I was thinking about my "AP/perfectionist" friend group. Once they had a party and I was gracious to receive the invitation, but they treat me like I am an outcast. Its like they only like the people who fit in, whatever that means. My problem is that I fit in, but I don't feel like I bring anything to the group. I seem so forgettable and unimportant among them; there is little kinship between us. It feels like I am in a glass room and I cannot walk into it. I never understand I try to be friendly, but I can't enter. One of my friends, he's appreciated for his humor, while another is appreciated for his charisma. What about my? My moodiness? My effeminate nature? I seem to have no identity (or at least an identity I am proud of). The question of who I am has never been so prominent. How can I be both unique and fit in? I wonder how everyone else does it. The cross-country skiers who perform and top shape and still have lives, how do they do it? HOw do the politicians balance family life with all their events and speeches? Just being an adult seems difficult enough. Happiness seems like such a high order with all that success we aim for. Perhaps life is not a horrible chore.
My goal: find happiness even in the most miserable place - Gilbert, AZ
"Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Olympic Vitality
Nobody can be perfect. We all hold high expectations. We are whiny humans. No, the Vancouver Opening Ceremony did not match up to the Beijing ones. Neither did it cost as much. It amazes me how unsatisfied we can be as humans. We should always strive for better, but sometimes we lose perspective. Why complain about something as fantastic as the Olympics? I loved the ceremony, and while it had its glitches, and I despise CBC for losing rights to the games, making us wait three hours for the ceremony, it was still wonderful.
Of course, I am obsessed with the Olympics, so I was a bit overbearing at times. Because of my exhaustion from this past week I haven't been able to really think rationally. I don't want to turn into a crazed idiot like Raskolnikov, but I struggle so much with self-control. Without self-control, we actually become burdened with stress and responsibility. Self control leads to freedom in society.
I am not perfect, but I can learn to accept other people's imperfections. I just wish I could relax and be normal for once. But then again I am never normal.
I want a tolo date. I want to be with my friends more often. I want to be in California. I want less homework. I want to do more. I want to sleep more. I want to be happy. I cannot be everything. I cannot live up to the great students at my school just in the same way Vancouver cannot be Beijing. But I can be great without showiness. I can be great without flourish. The only question is how to gratify my success?
"Human" - The Killers
Of course, I am obsessed with the Olympics, so I was a bit overbearing at times. Because of my exhaustion from this past week I haven't been able to really think rationally. I don't want to turn into a crazed idiot like Raskolnikov, but I struggle so much with self-control. Without self-control, we actually become burdened with stress and responsibility. Self control leads to freedom in society.
I am not perfect, but I can learn to accept other people's imperfections. I just wish I could relax and be normal for once. But then again I am never normal.
I want a tolo date. I want to be with my friends more often. I want to be in California. I want less homework. I want to do more. I want to sleep more. I want to be happy. I cannot be everything. I cannot live up to the great students at my school just in the same way Vancouver cannot be Beijing. But I can be great without showiness. I can be great without flourish. The only question is how to gratify my success?
"Human" - The Killers
Monday, February 8, 2010
System
What have I done? I have lived my life, not living for so many years.
Systems are comfortable. Take Kumon for example. If you can create a bunch of levels and label them with letters, it seems like your child is progressing through life. Now there are some benefits to Kumon, like the remarkable ability to teach independent learning, which many students struggle with, but there is something very wrong with its linear method. What does a G level student mean? Is it a measure of true intelligence or smartness? Perhaps it only measures a child's ability to take a system and function with it.
The same goes for school, especially all the standardized tests and grades. We basically write off 90% of students for less than average because only a small number can fulfill all the crazy aims of the education system. Those few can balance life between their events, jobs, and school. Those few excel and get excellent grades. Those few may not be the smartest in the country, but they surely show for it.
What if we take the system away? What if we force these so-called smarties to farm, create a new model, or create art?
I guess my problem is that I judge society by how we treat the worst off of our members. As Americans it troubles me that so many live in poverty, so many suffer inaccessible medicine, so many dream, but succumb to drugs, suicide, and recklessness because only a few are allowed to flourish. America is selfish.
I am part of the problem myself. I pretend to help out the community by teaching Hebrew and creating trails on the Eastside. Only, my impact is so insignificant and inconsequential. I only give back for selfish desires.
I recently watched a video about a family in Georgia who sold their house to one half the size to donate money for a corn mill in Ghana. That's incredible. Obviously it helps that they are rich, but they live comfortably even without the mega-mansion. It really makes you think about what is important in life. We need food. We need sleep. We need shelter. We need friends. But do we need it all? Do we need to have the American dream of abundance? Do we really all need California closets?
What can you do to reduce your waste? What can you do to save money for greater causes? How can you get dirty and start actually making a difference?
We like to blame others for their problems, but it is remarkable how much a simple kind gesture can help someone. I have gone through my bouts of depression, but even a hug or an e-mail from a friend makes me feel spectacular. There are many days when I wonder why I don't receive such simple gifts. Then I realize how much I have and how little it really takes to make someone's life different.
I really want to start tutoring kids who believe learning is stupid or don't have the chance to find safe, conducive learning habitats. Even if I cannot inspire kids to learn and explore I hope I can help them steer away from the habits that drown this world: gangs, violence, depression, suicide, poverty, homelessness, etc.
What are you going to do?
Systems are comfortable. Take Kumon for example. If you can create a bunch of levels and label them with letters, it seems like your child is progressing through life. Now there are some benefits to Kumon, like the remarkable ability to teach independent learning, which many students struggle with, but there is something very wrong with its linear method. What does a G level student mean? Is it a measure of true intelligence or smartness? Perhaps it only measures a child's ability to take a system and function with it.
The same goes for school, especially all the standardized tests and grades. We basically write off 90% of students for less than average because only a small number can fulfill all the crazy aims of the education system. Those few can balance life between their events, jobs, and school. Those few excel and get excellent grades. Those few may not be the smartest in the country, but they surely show for it.
What if we take the system away? What if we force these so-called smarties to farm, create a new model, or create art?
I guess my problem is that I judge society by how we treat the worst off of our members. As Americans it troubles me that so many live in poverty, so many suffer inaccessible medicine, so many dream, but succumb to drugs, suicide, and recklessness because only a few are allowed to flourish. America is selfish.
I am part of the problem myself. I pretend to help out the community by teaching Hebrew and creating trails on the Eastside. Only, my impact is so insignificant and inconsequential. I only give back for selfish desires.
I recently watched a video about a family in Georgia who sold their house to one half the size to donate money for a corn mill in Ghana. That's incredible. Obviously it helps that they are rich, but they live comfortably even without the mega-mansion. It really makes you think about what is important in life. We need food. We need sleep. We need shelter. We need friends. But do we need it all? Do we need to have the American dream of abundance? Do we really all need California closets?
What can you do to reduce your waste? What can you do to save money for greater causes? How can you get dirty and start actually making a difference?
We like to blame others for their problems, but it is remarkable how much a simple kind gesture can help someone. I have gone through my bouts of depression, but even a hug or an e-mail from a friend makes me feel spectacular. There are many days when I wonder why I don't receive such simple gifts. Then I realize how much I have and how little it really takes to make someone's life different.
I really want to start tutoring kids who believe learning is stupid or don't have the chance to find safe, conducive learning habitats. Even if I cannot inspire kids to learn and explore I hope I can help them steer away from the habits that drown this world: gangs, violence, depression, suicide, poverty, homelessness, etc.
What are you going to do?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
A Letter to Self
Dear Max,
Life is tough. Yet life is worthwhile, amazing, and wonderful. There are innumerable challenges. There are many fears. There are times you may feel crazy, depressed, abnormal, or lonely. But know that you are alive. Know that even when the small things twist the path, there is only a small bend to climb till you are clear. Know that you can believe in God, friends, family, and most unlikely, yourself.
You don't need to figure it all out now. You don't have to regret every decision you make. You don't have to freak out over your failures and mishaps. But you do anyways. It is overwhelming to think about life and the future, but just live. Live for the moment, live for fixing the past, live for the future. But most of all just live. Live because that's what you have. Don't tie yourself down with irrational worries and fears. Don't make yourself miserable by thinking so much. Have faith and the achievements will come without even aiming to do so. Take care of yourself and you will discover so much about life. Sleep and you will open your mind to so many wonders. And accept that you won't succeed in all these goals perfectly and instead of continuing to dream of fixing yourself, accept yourself and hope.
Take chances. Fall down. Stand back up. Peer back behind for the briefest second, breathe, and reach for the sky. Don't drag your feet or slouch. Don't criticize. Don't whine. Release, yes, through breath. Look up to the sky, the clouds, the skyscrapers or the trees. Absorb the beauty, exhale the stress. Feel free to feel. Feel free to let go. Feel free to loosen up. But don't pressure yourself to do any of these things. Stay motivated by reminding yourself of this world. Keep reading the newspaper, and opening your mind. But don't forget to do something. Run, play, workout. Laugh. Even when you face the miseries that are sure to come, be brave, even when weak, and go forth. Don't just dream, be your dreams.
Never forget who you are. The funny thing is that you don't know who you are. You have a GPA, an SAT score, and titles. But you are not a number or name. You are you. You will change. You will grow. But every once in a while, take a step back. Put everything in perspective. Ask yourself if you are living the way you want to live. And if it seems to difficult to change, listen to music, meditate, run around, talk to a friend, sleep, try something new. But don't just sit there and expect the world to change. Only you can turn your dreams into reality.
Live - that's really all you can do.
Love,
The person you want to be.
"Dear Jack" - Jack's Mannequin
Life is tough. Yet life is worthwhile, amazing, and wonderful. There are innumerable challenges. There are many fears. There are times you may feel crazy, depressed, abnormal, or lonely. But know that you are alive. Know that even when the small things twist the path, there is only a small bend to climb till you are clear. Know that you can believe in God, friends, family, and most unlikely, yourself.
You don't need to figure it all out now. You don't have to regret every decision you make. You don't have to freak out over your failures and mishaps. But you do anyways. It is overwhelming to think about life and the future, but just live. Live for the moment, live for fixing the past, live for the future. But most of all just live. Live because that's what you have. Don't tie yourself down with irrational worries and fears. Don't make yourself miserable by thinking so much. Have faith and the achievements will come without even aiming to do so. Take care of yourself and you will discover so much about life. Sleep and you will open your mind to so many wonders. And accept that you won't succeed in all these goals perfectly and instead of continuing to dream of fixing yourself, accept yourself and hope.
Take chances. Fall down. Stand back up. Peer back behind for the briefest second, breathe, and reach for the sky. Don't drag your feet or slouch. Don't criticize. Don't whine. Release, yes, through breath. Look up to the sky, the clouds, the skyscrapers or the trees. Absorb the beauty, exhale the stress. Feel free to feel. Feel free to let go. Feel free to loosen up. But don't pressure yourself to do any of these things. Stay motivated by reminding yourself of this world. Keep reading the newspaper, and opening your mind. But don't forget to do something. Run, play, workout. Laugh. Even when you face the miseries that are sure to come, be brave, even when weak, and go forth. Don't just dream, be your dreams.
Never forget who you are. The funny thing is that you don't know who you are. You have a GPA, an SAT score, and titles. But you are not a number or name. You are you. You will change. You will grow. But every once in a while, take a step back. Put everything in perspective. Ask yourself if you are living the way you want to live. And if it seems to difficult to change, listen to music, meditate, run around, talk to a friend, sleep, try something new. But don't just sit there and expect the world to change. Only you can turn your dreams into reality.
Live - that's really all you can do.
Love,
The person you want to be.
"Dear Jack" - Jack's Mannequin
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Jack's Mannequin
"La La Lie" - Jack's Mannequin
Now, this performance was no where close to the vigor and enthusiasm that Andrew McMahon had at the concert I just went to in Sodo. I was hyped up for this event, but I was sort of nervous too. It was my first concert ever. I wasn't sure I would be able to enjoy it entirely because of my short attention span. The first two acts were pretty awesome, but I was eager to finally see Jack's Mannequin four hours after we had arrived.
Finally he came, and I was blown away. It wasn't just the music. I mean I've heard all his songs multiple times; I know the lyrics by heart. Yet when he started to pound on that piano and release all his emotion and passion I was inspired. He has lived through Leukemia and personal struggles that I can't entirely relate to, yet I feel like everyone has been there some time. That feeling of hopelessness and helplessness when life doesn't go the way you want. After all the struggles small or big that we face, Andrew made a focus on all the songs to center perspective on life in the moment. He even told the crowd about how at times he struggled to follow his musical dream, but that the concert moments of energy and excitement felt that night were what encouraged him to continue. The music, the lyrics, the energy, the passion, the crazed dancing, all made the night spectacular. I cannot describe this feeling well.
I feel dead all over on the outside, exhausted from another tough week filled with disappointment, illness, and frustration. But for the first time in a while I feel so exuberantly happy. It isn't doing nothing that brings happiness. It's spending meaningful time with friends, stopping the worries, and freeing the soul of the prejudices allowing all the rhythms to enter your heart.
Thank you to the friends who came with me and shared my night. You really make my life extraordinarily wonderful.
Now with last night's actual performance!!
Now, this performance was no where close to the vigor and enthusiasm that Andrew McMahon had at the concert I just went to in Sodo. I was hyped up for this event, but I was sort of nervous too. It was my first concert ever. I wasn't sure I would be able to enjoy it entirely because of my short attention span. The first two acts were pretty awesome, but I was eager to finally see Jack's Mannequin four hours after we had arrived.
Finally he came, and I was blown away. It wasn't just the music. I mean I've heard all his songs multiple times; I know the lyrics by heart. Yet when he started to pound on that piano and release all his emotion and passion I was inspired. He has lived through Leukemia and personal struggles that I can't entirely relate to, yet I feel like everyone has been there some time. That feeling of hopelessness and helplessness when life doesn't go the way you want. After all the struggles small or big that we face, Andrew made a focus on all the songs to center perspective on life in the moment. He even told the crowd about how at times he struggled to follow his musical dream, but that the concert moments of energy and excitement felt that night were what encouraged him to continue. The music, the lyrics, the energy, the passion, the crazed dancing, all made the night spectacular. I cannot describe this feeling well.
I feel dead all over on the outside, exhausted from another tough week filled with disappointment, illness, and frustration. But for the first time in a while I feel so exuberantly happy. It isn't doing nothing that brings happiness. It's spending meaningful time with friends, stopping the worries, and freeing the soul of the prejudices allowing all the rhythms to enter your heart.
Thank you to the friends who came with me and shared my night. You really make my life extraordinarily wonderful.
Now with last night's actual performance!!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Grateful
It dawned on me today, how thankful I am for my friends. I have the most spectacular friends in the world. They get me. They accept me for who I am, even at the worst of times (and that happens a lot). They deal with my self-pity loathing, incessant whining, and crazy mood swings. They love me for no reason it seems other than because they just do. I feel so below them at times. They live beyond the prejudices that encapsulate me. I am really so happy to have the friends I do have. I will cherish these few moments before school ends to really revel in these friendships.
We all need love. My parents have given me the food, money, and care that has sustained me. My friends have challenged me and widened my mind. I feel selfish because I feel like my friends have done so much for me, yet I have done little for them. I don't really know what I can do for them. But I will accept them and love them in the same way that they have with me.
There is much to do. There is much to live for. There is so much love.
"So Much Love" - The Rocket Summer
We all need love. My parents have given me the food, money, and care that has sustained me. My friends have challenged me and widened my mind. I feel selfish because I feel like my friends have done so much for me, yet I have done little for them. I don't really know what I can do for them. But I will accept them and love them in the same way that they have with me.
There is much to do. There is much to live for. There is so much love.
"So Much Love" - The Rocket Summer
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Art?
"Enter the Ninja" - Die Antwoord
Okay, so I don't exactly like this music. But of course I love anything South African. It is just so weird. Does it even qualify as worthwhile music? It is totally worthless in societal standards, and seems so meaningless and frankly disturbing in its message. But maybe we need to stop judging. Maybe the magic is that it is not supposed to be taken seriously. It is slightly awkward, disturbing, and shocking, but art is what pulls us out of our comfort zones and expands our awareness. If this is the definition of good art, than surprisingly this is art. Really art.
If you delve deeper there is so much meaning in this group. They are crude, but they are angrily speaking out against a society that has largely ignored them. Perhaps they are rebelling against the reverse discrimination found in South Africa or the hardships of this new global age when so much crime, poverty, and misery are rampant throughout the globe. If you only read the lyrics and try to discern the meaning of their sexual perversions, then you will be disgusted. However through a more thorough and thoughtful inquisition, Die Antwoord might just be the most deep artistry at the moment. It actually means "The Answer" in Afrikaans. Real people. Real problems. Rapping about what frees them from the plights of reality.
The most important message is this: take life a little less seriously.
I've been trying this out this week. It's tough to shrug off the stresses and focus on what really matters. I realize how much time I waste just worrying about stuff. I don't even have anything in my life other than the skeletal things I do and my worries that surround them like cotton candy. Except this is a poisonous cotton candy. My mom freaked out this morning because her blackberry was locked. What has happened to society where mom's now go ballistic because their cell phones malfunction? She acted like the world was going to end with her screams, shouts, and cries. Has our demand for speed and perfection destroyed us?
The answer might just be craziness like Die Antwoord...
Okay, so I don't exactly like this music. But of course I love anything South African. It is just so weird. Does it even qualify as worthwhile music? It is totally worthless in societal standards, and seems so meaningless and frankly disturbing in its message. But maybe we need to stop judging. Maybe the magic is that it is not supposed to be taken seriously. It is slightly awkward, disturbing, and shocking, but art is what pulls us out of our comfort zones and expands our awareness. If this is the definition of good art, than surprisingly this is art. Really art.
If you delve deeper there is so much meaning in this group. They are crude, but they are angrily speaking out against a society that has largely ignored them. Perhaps they are rebelling against the reverse discrimination found in South Africa or the hardships of this new global age when so much crime, poverty, and misery are rampant throughout the globe. If you only read the lyrics and try to discern the meaning of their sexual perversions, then you will be disgusted. However through a more thorough and thoughtful inquisition, Die Antwoord might just be the most deep artistry at the moment. It actually means "The Answer" in Afrikaans. Real people. Real problems. Rapping about what frees them from the plights of reality.
The most important message is this: take life a little less seriously.
I've been trying this out this week. It's tough to shrug off the stresses and focus on what really matters. I realize how much time I waste just worrying about stuff. I don't even have anything in my life other than the skeletal things I do and my worries that surround them like cotton candy. Except this is a poisonous cotton candy. My mom freaked out this morning because her blackberry was locked. What has happened to society where mom's now go ballistic because their cell phones malfunction? She acted like the world was going to end with her screams, shouts, and cries. Has our demand for speed and perfection destroyed us?
The answer might just be craziness like Die Antwoord...
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