Life Ahead

There's a lot to think about in the future. College letters are in one month. Decisions are in two. Prom is in three months and five days. Graduation is six days after that. AP tests, Hawaii, birthdays, fundraisers, scholarship applications, martial arts, tolo, runs, community service, temple, family, friends, work, school, and sleep all come in between all that. Yet it all seems so predictable. Life is about the unpredictable. Life is about the moments that really make your heart beat fast. The moments that make you cry uncontrollably. The ones that make you laugh without end. The physical exhaustion or mental exhaustion that makes you collapse, yet shows your bravest and strongest moments. The bitter end to the tensions that bind us. The war and the peace. The mistakes and the accomplishments.

I spent this weekend mostly detached from life. My movie with friends was fun and relaxing. I needed that. The rest of my weekend was Olympic filled and dull. I did homework, and watched tv. I loved the thrill of the hockey game today, gold medal match with the tightest fight between Canada and America. It's so marvelous to have your team win after all that pent up emotion.

But the Olympics are over. My last Olympics at home. My last February at home. Life is racing by. I cannot let it just pass. I wish people understood how I felt. I feel so trapped by so many of my own fears that I cannot grasp these moments. But we have to. Tomorrow there could be an 8.8 earthquake, or I could crash my car. At least I can try to live for the moment.

Love. Do I fight for it? Do I wait for it to come to me? Do I make myself look better? Do I sulk and hide in the corner? Do I start smoking? Do I open my heart more? I don't even know who I like. I don't even know what it really feels like. I feel like I have never really had a crush before. Yet I feel like I have.

Life ahead is scary. I am not afraid though. I have made so many mistakes this year. I have fallen so much. I am barely pulling through, but I've made it this far. I haven't succumbed to the fate of Sylvia Plath. I am alive and that's all that matters.

"Nara" - E.S. Posthumus