Day 2: Gilbert, AZ - Friends & Family

(Day 1 was unimportant; I was sleeping)

Here in the suburban sprawl of Phoenix, the Valley of the Sun, there is plenty of sunshine, but little character. These housing developments lie on flat desert ground gated from the rest of the world. The houses are just houses, a few have added homeliness, but so many are plain, dull, and pathetic. No grass to relax upon and watch the nonexistant clouds, just gravel and constant blue skies. There are just so many people here all in the unsustainable desert. The roads are all straight, the schools look like mental asylums of brick. Even the steel traffic light poles lose the marvel of the wired ones hanging precariously above the streets. All the telephone lines are underground, there are only aqueducts, and hills are the mere folklore. It seems like everyone here has a McMansion, a truck, and mega malls, but where is the community? What about diversity amongst all these fair skinned, blond, and surprisingly rotund people (I guess nobody exercises when its 100 degrees all the time). This place seems so nice on a surface level, but dreadfully boring and miserable on the deeper level. I guess some people are satisfied with material goods. My parents agree that this is the way to live. And I guess in some way money is necessary for comfort, family, and security. Nevertheless money does not equal happiness.

My stomach hurt today like icicles stabbing me, and I realized how important taking care of oneself is. If i am not healthy and well, I cannot achieve any of my goals, and it is so difficult ot be happy in constant sickness and pain. The one thing I have really been missing when I have been trying to figure out all my self-improvement has been this well-being.

I have really thought about my family after spending hours with them here. Despite all our blood relation and seemingly perfect lifestyle there is so much brooding unhappiness. Life seem like such a chore with my family. My mom still blames everyone for everything. My dad is aloof and unchangeable. My sister is a beacon of hope, but she is growing into the worst diva ever. The more time I spend with my family, the less I appreciate them. They resemble the Valley of the Sun, nice on the outside, miserable within.

Then there are my friendships. I have several groups of friends. However I have my best group of tight knit friends as well. I never fit in with my "Christian" friend group from middle school because I am too prudish ironically. Then I was thinking about my "AP/perfectionist" friend group. Once they had a party and I was gracious to receive the invitation, but they treat me like I am an outcast. Its like they only like the people who fit in, whatever that means. My problem is that I fit in, but I don't feel like I bring anything to the group. I seem so forgettable and unimportant among them; there is little kinship between us. It feels like I am in a glass room and I cannot walk into it. I never understand I try to be friendly, but I can't enter. One of my friends, he's appreciated for his humor, while another is appreciated for his charisma. What about my? My moodiness? My effeminate nature? I seem to have no identity (or at least an identity I am proud of). The question of who I am has never been so prominent. How can I be both unique and fit in? I wonder how everyone else does it. The cross-country skiers who perform and top shape and still have lives, how do they do it? HOw do the politicians balance family life with all their events and speeches? Just being an adult seems difficult enough. Happiness seems like such a high order with all that success we aim for. Perhaps life is not a horrible chore.
My goal: find happiness even in the most miserable place - Gilbert, AZ

"Torn" - Natalie Imbruglia