I Thought....

When I started university, being honest to everyone about myself and opening up to friends, I thought everything would improve. In some ways life became incredibly better. I no longer struggled with procrastination, and I have succeeded academically. I am accomplishing many things, yet I feel so unfulfilled, so unhappy.

I thought that my friendships would strengthen, but it seems like they are all falling apart. My best friends are so distant either literally or figuratively that I feel like I have no friends. I have plenty honestly, but I have no one I trust.

I feel so alone right now. This sinking feeling reminds me so depressingly of my life last year. I thought I had moved forward and changed as a person, but I am struggling in so many ways. I thought that becoming more self-aware would improve my self-esteem, but I seem to be imploding this week. I have fallen on the same path that I always have been on and I haven't been able to avoid it because I am surrounded by the same people and the same things all the time. I need to escape Washington and discover what truly matters to me, but I don't think I'll be happy just by escaping. I am so frustrated with life right now, but as much as I want to see people, I am desperately needing to figure out myself right now.

What's wrong with me?

"Home" - Ellie Goulding

Stale

I am overwhelmed. I am fearful of what has become of my life. I thought my life was better. I thought that everything was going swell. I have had everything together. I achieved that 4.0 grade point average this quarter, joined those three clubs, developed new relationships from diverse backgrounds, and ran every weekend consistently. This quarter I have been in control and I have done a fine job.

Yet I feel so empty inside. My life is no longer vibrant.

Just look at what makes up my life:

I sleep. I go to class. I complete schoolwork. I study. I go to a club meeting or event. I run. I meet up with friends. I am disappointed with my life. Sure, I have accomplished stuff. I have gained new skills, but I feel like I could be so much more. On the inside, I feel vacant.

Today, I went sliding down the gorgeous slopes in Snoqualmie Pass. The beauty of the mountains immersed me, lit with sunshine and sprawled with snow. There is magic in the mountains, in the way the light reflects off of the crystalline fields of white. I pick up an inner tube, and race towards the slope, diving downward. Snowflakes fly into my face and a smile widens across my mouth. I am immersed in joy, yet at the end of it all, even though I am surrounded by some of my best friends, the people I am most comfortable around, the people I am most happy to spend my time with, I am not bubbling with enthusiasm.

I have one friend in particular whom I feel particularly disconnected from. I am so afraid of losing my friend. Actually I feel like I am losing most of my friends. The friends who did not join me at UW are distant and difficult to reach, while the friends who are within feet of my presence seem just as dislocated. Loneliness sinks in my soul. It’s not extreme, but it’s been building up. I feel so alone and disconnected from my friends, and gradually feeling like my friends are slipping away from me.

Friendship is marvelous, but there comes a point in time when it can become stale. I believe that I have reached that point, but the problem is that I don’t know if it is my friends or myself. I feel bland, but so do my friendships. I don’t want to be dull and boring, but I don’t know how to have fun. All the years of depression murdered my happiness. I am strong enough to be happy now, but I just can’t seem to be happy. Every time I try to be happy I feel fake. Every time I try to have fun, I feel unreal. Every time I try to enjoy my friendships I feel insincere. I am saddened by this turn of events. I want to hide and runaway from the monster I have become. I have no one to talk to. I have no joy anymore and I hate it.

I want to be happy, but I have forgotten what happiness is.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding

Completion

I avoided writing on this blog for a while, partly because I was distracted with Nanowrimo, and because I was trying to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this blog. What makes this blog worthwhile? Why do I write on this blog? Is anyone listening? Should I write my ideas more publicly on a Facebook note or less so in a private journal? These questions have all led me to this inevitable conclusion: it really doesn't matter. I can blog or write diary entries or public notes of Facebook, but in the end it doesn't truly matter. The person who will read this is me. I look back at my blog and I become aware of how much I have grown. It marks each precious day of my life, and I can do that in many media, but the blog is the one I will stick with for now. I know that some of my friends have abandoned, closed, or forgotten their blogs. I started because of these friends, but I continue for myself. I don't mean to be selfish, but this blog has evolved from a way for me to speak to my friends in desperation under a secret cloak, to a journal recording my life. It is now more of an autobiography just like the novel I wrote started as. However I fully expect this blog to evolve even more. My unnamed novel began as a virtually literal autobiography depicting what was going on with me during my most tumultuous teenage years, yet it became a story full of adventure, love, and drama. So I will accept wherever this blog takes me and wherever I end up in life.

December began today with warmth (oh my god it is so hot in all the dorms...) and sunshine sprinkling the sky. I woke up rather late, but I adjusted, showering faster and efficiently conducting my morning routine. I enjoyed a luscious strawberry banana Odwalla and then rushed off to my environment class. Oddly enough my environment class covered almost the exact same topics as my wildlife class about landscape ecology and technologies used to monitor wildlife populations. Perhaps it was because I was awake today in class, but I was engrossed in conservation planning tools like GAP analysis and SLOSS reserve designs. Later I worked on a poster about electronic waste for my environment class and I was so excited to create a poster for the first time.
The day carried on with the Hanukkah festivities by Hillel and Chabad. I hung out with some enjoyable friends as we lit the candles and spun dreidels. I really enjoyed being immersed in my Jewish culture and as uncomfortable as it makes me sometimes, I was proud to participate in something relating to my heritage. This was followed by an excursion to the "Honors" dessert contest, which was mildly delicious. I then enjoyed some German chocolate, free pizza, and apples to apples at my Young Democrats meeting. My day ended with a phone call from a good friend, and I just hope everything goes well, but it sounded good for the most part. This has been such a wonderful time today, and I am exhausted beyond my wits.

The craziest thing is that last year I remember dreading every day. I used to wake up and force myself to get up. I would look constantly at the clock in class, waiting to escape my misery. Instead of trying to escape misery, I am now just living. I don't necessarily feel happy, but I'm not unhappy! It's such a glorious feeling to not be unhappy. Contentment pulls the corners of my lips apart and a smile is spreading across my face. Life is improving every day and I know it will only get better.

A few lessons I have learned:
- I need to be more fun, playful, lighthearted, amusing, whatever you want to label it
- Accept myself for who I am; this may be my only obstacle to happiness
- Be more social and less afraid of what people will think
- Solidifying or crystallizing my values if fundamental to my overall happiness

"Be My Animal" - The Good Natured

Awesome song that makes me dance!