Stale

I am overwhelmed. I am fearful of what has become of my life. I thought my life was better. I thought that everything was going swell. I have had everything together. I achieved that 4.0 grade point average this quarter, joined those three clubs, developed new relationships from diverse backgrounds, and ran every weekend consistently. This quarter I have been in control and I have done a fine job.

Yet I feel so empty inside. My life is no longer vibrant.

Just look at what makes up my life:

I sleep. I go to class. I complete schoolwork. I study. I go to a club meeting or event. I run. I meet up with friends. I am disappointed with my life. Sure, I have accomplished stuff. I have gained new skills, but I feel like I could be so much more. On the inside, I feel vacant.

Today, I went sliding down the gorgeous slopes in Snoqualmie Pass. The beauty of the mountains immersed me, lit with sunshine and sprawled with snow. There is magic in the mountains, in the way the light reflects off of the crystalline fields of white. I pick up an inner tube, and race towards the slope, diving downward. Snowflakes fly into my face and a smile widens across my mouth. I am immersed in joy, yet at the end of it all, even though I am surrounded by some of my best friends, the people I am most comfortable around, the people I am most happy to spend my time with, I am not bubbling with enthusiasm.

I have one friend in particular whom I feel particularly disconnected from. I am so afraid of losing my friend. Actually I feel like I am losing most of my friends. The friends who did not join me at UW are distant and difficult to reach, while the friends who are within feet of my presence seem just as dislocated. Loneliness sinks in my soul. It’s not extreme, but it’s been building up. I feel so alone and disconnected from my friends, and gradually feeling like my friends are slipping away from me.

Friendship is marvelous, but there comes a point in time when it can become stale. I believe that I have reached that point, but the problem is that I don’t know if it is my friends or myself. I feel bland, but so do my friendships. I don’t want to be dull and boring, but I don’t know how to have fun. All the years of depression murdered my happiness. I am strong enough to be happy now, but I just can’t seem to be happy. Every time I try to be happy I feel fake. Every time I try to have fun, I feel unreal. Every time I try to enjoy my friendships I feel insincere. I am saddened by this turn of events. I want to hide and runaway from the monster I have become. I have no one to talk to. I have no joy anymore and I hate it.

I want to be happy, but I have forgotten what happiness is.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding