Sometimes I feel so incredibly downtrodden. Today I woke up completely exhausted, but I kept going. My friend then woke up late and I replied with a disgruntled tone and had to anxiously ask my mom for a ride to the bus in downtown Bellevue. I was worried about the elevator speeches in my technical communication class, and the sleepiness just kept shrouding me.
But something hit me as I walked out of technical communication up the hill toward economics. I was listening to Make It Stop by Rise Against and I couldn't help but be inspired. Listening to that song about such a heart-wrenching topic, motivated me to live for a purpose. I refuse to be another statistic in the long list of downtrodden gay youth who have seen their lives dismantled by the awful prejudice of our society. I refuse to let my life fall apart because there are so many people from my past, Jews who survived heinous genocides, Chinese who persevered through colonial intrusions, Japanese who lived through the disturbing internment of World War II, immigrants who started with nearly nothing and worked their way up in this harsh capitalist economy, Americans and Canadians who proudly fought off attackers of our rare and distinguished democracy. I look to my identity in the present, this unique melding of races and I am even more inspired. I can embark on a new path. I am excited to blaze a trail as a young mixed race man. I am ecstatic to stand up for my rights as a gay man. I am thrilled to represent two amazing countries as a dual citizen. I am inspired by my faith and the amazing depth of spirituality I will continue to encounter in Judaism. I am proud of who I am from the inside out whether that be my race, sexual orientation, citizenship, religion, or personality. I will stand up for myself and as a representative of all that I am. I don't desire to appease any of these groups or seek validation, rather I want to make myself proud knowing that I am true to myself.
It's honestly hard to be honest, but I believe in it. I am going to change my life for the better, I just know it. I believe it. Starting right now, good night!
I have always felt like an outsider here in Issaquah and it has only become more telling in the past week. So much has happened in my life in this past week starting with my sister's exciting and exhausting bat mitzvah. It was spectacular having all the family around to share in such a joyful time, but it was also a tiring time for me. I felt incredibly proud of my sister for working so hard and culminating the first part of her Jewish experience. Amidst all my concerns for her academically and of her values, for that day I put all of my worry aside and felt pure elation for her.
Then my week actually began. Summer quarter started and classes were initially quite fascinating and deemed well. In the afternoon I began my internship and I was excited to start working in a professional environment and learn about the different roles of government bureaucracy in international relations. Things were going well, the sun was starting to shine little by little, and although the first two days were tough balancing all my relatives who were still here and my new adventures for the summer, I was hopeful that I could handle it all.
As the week progressed I still felt good about my abilities. I was behind in sleep, especially as the end of the week neared, but I figured that everything would get better as I refreshed myself during the weekend for my second week. This weekend I spend a lot of time with friends. It was fun and all, but I was too sleepy and exhausted to enjoy any of my time with friends. I stayed out too late both nights and did not get to sleep until nearly 4, waking up in mid-morning, leaving me with only about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night. I am now dreadfully tired, but I have so much to do and I am so stressed. I hate my life in a lot of ways right now. I am doing everything correctly, yet my own lack of self-discipline is causing my demise. I know I need to be refreshed with sleep to function well, but i continue to push my limits and I don't have the diligence to go to sleep early enough to enjoy my life. I am sinking in misery. My room is a mess, my life feels like a mess, and all that I think is skewed by my awful exhaustion.
I hate it here. Everything was going so well back at the university. I don't know why I can't function at home. It doesn't feel like home ever because there is something so cold about my family that I have never understood that just never felt homey. Messes cause me anxiety and my room is a disorganized, scatter-brained splatter at the moment. I feel like a robot without any purpose and I really hate it. I need sleep so badly, but for some reason I cannot control myself here and I end up losing myself in loneliness and depression. I feel like and outsider here and I hate it so much. I just want to leave and be by myself somewhere and stop having to worry about all these things going on in my life for just one day.
"Make It Stop (September's Children)" - Rise Against
Returning to the wilderness of the Cascades today was magical and reminded me of so much joy I have been fortunate enough to enjoy in my life to this point. I have lived quite the privileged life here in the suburbs of Seattle surrounded by jolly forests and an exceptionally safe environment, and I think I am finally reconciling with my past hatred for this place. I still don't think I can handle a lot of it, and it helps that I am currently amidst family who are such a separate world, but I the exquisite beauty of these mountains are truly something I miss. I went hiking with my relatives on a rocky, but short and somewhat flat trail along the river to a beautiful waterfall bounded by snow and sharp, austere sheets of rock. Along the trail it felt so possible to lose ones footing along the maze of muddy dirt, pointy bedrock, and bent tree segments. Yet at the end of this trail in the chilly early morning, the river crashed downwards immersing me in a fine and refreshing alpine mist. Gentle to the eyes, yet sharp to the ears were the many images of the trail from the immense waterfall to the lopsided trees to the face of my young cousin minutes before she cries. There is such juxtaposition in nature, yet it all makes sense for some reason. There is a balance. Some trees fall because of erosion and the ground cannot hold it by chance, or the trees fall because they could not grip their roots stronger to the ground. Other tress lose their lives by happenstance. Nature allows us for some choice in life, but often we control little, and the parts of life we tend to care about the most like marriage and death inevitably encounter the most frustration.
Besides the marvel of the hike, I also had a full day of work. I spend a lot of time organizing a slideshow for my sister and practicing my torah portion. I felt like I worked to my wit's end today, and I still feel like I have more to do. Despite all I have to do, I am learning that through practice, devotion, and determination I can achieve what I set out to do. I have almost mastered my torah portion and I completed the slideshow with a few edits to be made. I am learning so much every day of my life, and it helps to just let go of the pressures of class for a time and enjoy the company of my fascinating and wonderful relatives.
My past two weeks have been awfully crazy and have prevented me from writing anything on my blog. I have been busily occupied by so much else in my life, and also I have not had a clear enough mind to write in a long time.
I had quite the stressful finals week. I felt myself drowning in finals and overwhelmed by life. I had so much to think about in terms of my future, my passions, my motivations, my dreams, and my values. All of this reflective concern was inconveniently bothering me as I tried to focus on dull subject matter like thermodynamics or repetitive study of biological vocabulary. Yet in the end I managed to move through it all and do surprisingly well. I achieved high marks in courses that I thought I would struggle with and I feel very proud of myself for making it through such obstacles.
Then the stress continued as I had to pack up all my belongings and leave my beloved dormitory. It was not perfect, but I needed that physical separation from home to really thrive academically and grow as a human being. Many things were not ideal, but I am proud that I was pushed outside my comfort zone in many ways. I realized how much I need to grow as a person, but I feel so happy about my time in the dorm and cannot wait for another exciting year living at college. However it was crazy trying to pack up everything in my life, organize it into boxes, and transfer it to my old home. Upon returning home my world seems surreal. My past all the hidden things about me, all my blind ambition, all of my fake friendships, all of my internal psychological babble were among me; those memories slathered the walls and were encased in the atlases, bed sheets, lamps, and pencils, mocking me with shame, guilt, and a frightful chill. Yet the boxes stood there to remind me that I was only a temporary guest to this place. This haunting room of dark memories was only a brief landing post for a life moving forward, an affordable refreshment station for a marathon runner quickly zooming into his future.
I revisited more harsh yet complex memories when I went to my old high school's graduation. I love many of my friends who are seniors, but I have such a difficult time facing my old high school memories. My friend took me to my high school's prom and now going to graduation I felt the onslaught of awfulness attacking me a full throttle. Thankfully I survived with a new perspective on life. The graduation was beautiful and reignited my hope in the world as I watched several hundred young souls complete an often testy and complicated journey through high school. I enjoyed watching my good friends take those steps and throw their caps into the air. I love this frivolous affairs like commencements, awards ceremonies, and speeches. Many people become bored of them, but as long as I have a personal connection to them I can become completely enthralled.
This weekend was further craziness as I prepared for my sister's bat mitzvah and the arrival of my relatives from out of town. I had to fully clean the room I had just landed my boxes in for my grandpa and clean the rest of the house to be presentable. It was very stressful, but I took a wonderful break to watch an awesomely kitschy movie with friends, play board games, and go biking on a sunny day throughout town. I felt like I had checked off many of the enjoyable parts of life that teenagers enjoy in these picture perfect suburbs during those moments riding my bike along the lakeshore and throughout the historic heart of my town, immersed in the juxtaposition of nature and humanity surrounded by those three idyllic green hills. This place is gorgeous no matter the heartbreak associated with it. And for once I was able to make up for all the craziness here in this place.
In the meantime, my relatives have arrived and I have enjoyed taking fun photographs of my cute cousin, speaking to my somewhat crazy, but brilliant grandpa, and sharing laughs with my aunt and uncle. Nonetheless tensions are running high between my sister and me. I love her to death, but I feel like I am pressing too hard on her. I am so worried about her because she is just so different from me. I cannot understand her at all, but I just want her to do well and really think about how special of a moment this bat mitzvah is. I lecture her so much about her performance and her lack of diligence, but I realize later that we are different people and I cannot expect her to be so perfect. Sure she needs to do well in school, as a human, and in this special moment, but I am not here to make her life miserable. I need to show her love and caring.
On our tour of the Boeing airplane factory today I had to exhibit plenty of patience when waiting for my grandpa to walk from place to place. He is getting older and is quite slow, but he is still quite able-bodied. I really am a fast-paced person, but my grandpa's slow nature forced me to really slow down and breathe. I stopped trying so hard to go, go, go like the marathon runner and enjoyed the craziness of that factory. It's amazing how inspiring a giant factory can be. I love huge systems like that. It might not be the most pretty sight, yet there is something magical in the ability of humans to build such feats like great airplanes in these highly complex factories. I felt so small in there immersed amongst so much machinery and ingenuity, but I felt hopeful for all the innovation and progress of our world.
I hope I can apply my lessons in patience to life. I need to take it easy and really enjoy every moment. I have this week off and I don't need crazy stress. I need to relax and treat my sister like the human i expect to be treated, following Rabbi Hillel's golden rule. Take in these moments, cherish them and love others. That's the medication I need. (And the laughter that comes from watching episodes of Will & Grace...)
In the past few days I have been desperately trying to get back on track, focus, and put my full passion into my studies so that I can complete my year on a good note. I am exhausted, but I think it will work out. I don't know why I get worn out so easily in school. I love learning, but I am so inconsistent. This summer I am going to try to combat this inconsistency and maintain a steady pace of learning throughout the quarter, more organized and more realistically capable. I have struggled through many ups and downs this quarter and the end is approaching finally. I only have one more week living here on campus and I have learned a lot. I cannot wait to just step back from all the craziness and take some time to just be by myself and reflect on all the craziness.
Plus, this weekend is supposed to be hot and sunny. I may need to study, but I will find a way to accommodate the beautiful weather!
