Messes and My Life at Home as an Outsider

I have always felt like an outsider here in Issaquah and it has only become more telling in the past week. So much has happened in my life in this past week starting with my sister's exciting and exhausting bat mitzvah. It was spectacular having all the family around to share in such a joyful time, but it was also a tiring time for me. I felt incredibly proud of my sister for working so hard and culminating the first part of her Jewish experience. Amidst all my concerns for her academically and of her values, for that day I put all of my worry aside and felt pure elation for her.

Then my week actually began. Summer quarter started and classes were initially quite fascinating and deemed well. In the afternoon I began my internship and I was excited to start working in a professional environment and learn about the different roles of government bureaucracy in international relations. Things were going well, the sun was starting to shine little by little, and although the first two days were tough balancing all my relatives who were still here and my new adventures for the summer, I was hopeful that I could handle it all.

As the week progressed I still felt good about my abilities. I was behind in sleep, especially as the end of the week neared, but I figured that everything would get better as I refreshed myself during the weekend for my second week. This weekend I spend a lot of time with friends. It was fun and all, but I was too sleepy and exhausted to enjoy any of my time with friends. I stayed out too late both nights and did not get to sleep until nearly 4, waking up in mid-morning, leaving me with only about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night. I am now dreadfully tired, but I have so much to do and I am so stressed. I hate my life in a lot of ways right now. I am doing everything correctly, yet my own lack of self-discipline is causing my demise. I know I need to be refreshed with sleep to function well, but i continue to push my limits and I don't have the diligence to go to sleep early enough to enjoy my life. I am sinking in misery. My room is a mess, my life feels like a mess, and all that I think is skewed by my awful exhaustion.

I hate it here. Everything was going so well back at the university. I don't know why I can't function at home. It doesn't feel like home ever because there is something so cold about my family that I have never understood that just never felt homey. Messes cause me anxiety and my room is a disorganized, scatter-brained splatter at the moment. I feel like a robot without any purpose and I really hate it. I need sleep so badly, but for some reason I cannot control myself here and I end up losing myself in loneliness and depression. I feel like and outsider here and I hate it so much. I just want to leave and be by myself somewhere and stop having to worry about all these things going on in my life for just one day.

"Make It Stop (September's Children)" - Rise Against