I sense that things are getting better. But only slowly. But I guess that's how things are going to get better. I can't always expect instantaneous improvement.
Relay for life was wonderful, mostly because there was less drama, and more friends. I really appreciate my friendships. If I have to choose something to lower my expectations in I wouldn't choose my frienships; they are too vital for my well-being. But I can accept some lower expectations in that I don't need to feel constantly belonged to all the time and I can be happy with the small moments. It would be nice if I talked less, but maybe I can just continue to write on this blog to relieve my worries.
I know I want to be focused on my academics, but I don't want to be overwhelmed. Clearly if I want a social life plus my extracurriculars, I can't expect to be the valedictorian or even a straight A student. In this aspect I guess I'm forced to accept that I won't be perfect; so the hard part is done... now I just need to be ok with the B+ in English... what the heck most people would love a B+ in AP English, I really need to get over myself! But it will be okay. I just need to be okay with it. I can't freak out over whether to feel guilty or not. I just need to accept that for me, it does hurt, but I need to not make it a huge deal because of the context.
I keep looking at my life. And I think I will be spending a considerable amount of time in the next few weeks examining my life now that I have realized much of the source of my frustrations and misery. I feel good knowing that I know what I am tackling finally :)
I just can't let the "Black Heart Inertia" carry me down! (awesome new Incubus song, please listen to it!!)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Life... seems so...
Another day. I don't know anymore. Maybe it's my exhaustion. But I really do feel crummy. I feel worthless and selfish and guilty and horrible. And I didn't even do anything. But my self-pity makes me feel even more miserable. Yes, I'm lamenting about my nonexistant misery, but it really is there. And I just feel worse when I think about all the people in the world who have it much harder than me, but don't feel yucky. Why am I depressed? Why do I feel so pointless and shameful? It's hard for me to just accept who I am anymore. I don't have the will to live like this. I don't know where I should go from here. Nothing inspires me to keep going anymore. Nobody is able to help me stay afloat. I wish someone or something could fix me. But I'm broken. I'm worn. Physically I'm dead. Emotionally I'm in turmoil. And I don't think there is much left in the mental part of my life either, but it's still there so I can robotically rant about my feelings. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What do I do?
I feel cold. And lonely. And I just despise myself. The light at the end of the tunnel is no where to be found; I sometimes forget it even exists these days. The sunshine doesn't make me feel better. My friends don't make me happier. It's all so temporary, so fleeting. I don't know what to do.
I feel cold. And lonely. And I just despise myself. The light at the end of the tunnel is no where to be found; I sometimes forget it even exists these days. The sunshine doesn't make me feel better. My friends don't make me happier. It's all so temporary, so fleeting. I don't know what to do.
Expectations
We all expect standards for ourselves. But for me, it is a dangerous obsession. For years I have lived expecting a standard above all reason for every imaginable goal. And as my life has matured and my world has expanded, these expectations followed me as well. Ever since seventh grade I have assumed that I could accomplish anything. Wait, not seventh grade, more like second grade. And when I mean anything, I mean anything. Unfortunately, this anything transformed itself into everything.
I did seem to have accomplished everything. I achieved my dream from second grade: be on tv for the geography bee at the national level. I had my bar mitzvah. Everything seemed wonderful, perfect, and I was on top of the world. But success is bitter. Success comes with the painful fall to reality which I only realized this past week or two.
I want to be a spectacular person. I want to be my best. I want to change the world. But I have somehow created a mindset in which I have to constantly try to achieve my goals in geo bee style: big, bold, and glamorous. I have to do not just good or acceptable achievements, but rather superb ones. I am trapped by my yearning for achievement.
I have so many goals. And when I think about it, I have too many, too far. I want to be the best and most trustworthy friend. I want to be the most respected leader. I want to be the most sucessful president. I want to be the best debator. I want to make the most community service hours. I want to participate in the most clubs. I want to make a change to my community's viewpoint on specific issues like gay rights, equality, and the environment. I want to plant lots of trees. I want to go to a superb college. I want to have a well-paying job. I want to go to BC and do two classes. I want to get straight A's this semester. I want to do well on my four ap classes. I want to get my black belt before I graduate. I want to be an outstanding ASB enviroment director. I want to learn Japanese fluently. I want to do the National Science Fair. I want to help with the state geo bee. I want to watch my television shows. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to be a beloved brother. I want to be a stellar son. I want to write my thank you notes in the two weeks that are proper. I want to be an artist and make photographs. I want to write this blog. I want to run an election campaign. I want to go to many places during the summer. I want to study for my various classes next year. I want to gather my teacher recommendations this week. I want to write my friend's preface for her portfolio. I want to organize my junk and papers. I want to stop procrastination. I want to wake up and not be tired. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to be an accepting person and open-minded. I want to never make mistakes. I want to be...
You don't need to read the list. I want perfection in all areas of my life. I know it sounds stupid. But that's the way I run my life; and I don't even agree with this lifestyle. I think it is wrong. I think it is bad to want perfection in every aspect of my life, physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual, but what am I to do? I feel like if I do not have a perfect and ideal expectation high in the clouds I am a failure at the bottom of the ground. And this happens often.
I had a sucky week. Life was just not wonderful this week. I made many mistakes. I got distracted. I fell behind on homework. I had to catch up on so many things. I had so many various projects going on at once. I had friends who I felt needed my support. I had the weight of college pressing on my shoulders. And this just makes me feel like a complete failure. I can't deal with the pressure.
I can't deal with the way I compare myself to everyone around me. All I do every day is look at the smallest things that people do, maybe getting ahead on a simple part of a project and I freak out. I feel like I'm a failure because I am not fulfilling my expectation of perfection and betterment. And I know that being behind on one little thing should not set me off, but I've gotten to the point where my expectations have overtaken logic. My expectations don't except substandard, standard, or even above average; all my expectations want out of me is pefection.
So what do I do? I feel miserable. I just feel down in the dumps. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to smile. I try to distract myself by doing something "productive." But then I reach the tipping point. This week. I just become so exhausted, so tired that I babble. I talk and complain and whine to the world that I feel miserable and depressed. I sound selfish, and self-pitying, and self-absorbed, and attention seeking. And that's not me, but its the backlash against all the expectations of myself. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my expectations.
And it breaks me into pieces. I stay alive day by day hoping that I can defeat my expectations and either succeed at them or not let them destroy me. And usually I can hold myself up against the wall of expectations ready to flood upon me at any moment. And I keep hope alive. But sometimes hope seems so distant. I keep going. And going. Like a machine. Whirring, buzzing, humming. And I just hope I don't explode before I see the light.
I did seem to have accomplished everything. I achieved my dream from second grade: be on tv for the geography bee at the national level. I had my bar mitzvah. Everything seemed wonderful, perfect, and I was on top of the world. But success is bitter. Success comes with the painful fall to reality which I only realized this past week or two.
I want to be a spectacular person. I want to be my best. I want to change the world. But I have somehow created a mindset in which I have to constantly try to achieve my goals in geo bee style: big, bold, and glamorous. I have to do not just good or acceptable achievements, but rather superb ones. I am trapped by my yearning for achievement.
I have so many goals. And when I think about it, I have too many, too far. I want to be the best and most trustworthy friend. I want to be the most respected leader. I want to be the most sucessful president. I want to be the best debator. I want to make the most community service hours. I want to participate in the most clubs. I want to make a change to my community's viewpoint on specific issues like gay rights, equality, and the environment. I want to plant lots of trees. I want to go to a superb college. I want to have a well-paying job. I want to go to BC and do two classes. I want to get straight A's this semester. I want to do well on my four ap classes. I want to get my black belt before I graduate. I want to be an outstanding ASB enviroment director. I want to learn Japanese fluently. I want to do the National Science Fair. I want to help with the state geo bee. I want to watch my television shows. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to be a beloved brother. I want to be a stellar son. I want to write my thank you notes in the two weeks that are proper. I want to be an artist and make photographs. I want to write this blog. I want to run an election campaign. I want to go to many places during the summer. I want to study for my various classes next year. I want to gather my teacher recommendations this week. I want to write my friend's preface for her portfolio. I want to organize my junk and papers. I want to stop procrastination. I want to wake up and not be tired. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to be an accepting person and open-minded. I want to never make mistakes. I want to be...
You don't need to read the list. I want perfection in all areas of my life. I know it sounds stupid. But that's the way I run my life; and I don't even agree with this lifestyle. I think it is wrong. I think it is bad to want perfection in every aspect of my life, physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual, but what am I to do? I feel like if I do not have a perfect and ideal expectation high in the clouds I am a failure at the bottom of the ground. And this happens often.
I had a sucky week. Life was just not wonderful this week. I made many mistakes. I got distracted. I fell behind on homework. I had to catch up on so many things. I had so many various projects going on at once. I had friends who I felt needed my support. I had the weight of college pressing on my shoulders. And this just makes me feel like a complete failure. I can't deal with the pressure.
I can't deal with the way I compare myself to everyone around me. All I do every day is look at the smallest things that people do, maybe getting ahead on a simple part of a project and I freak out. I feel like I'm a failure because I am not fulfilling my expectation of perfection and betterment. And I know that being behind on one little thing should not set me off, but I've gotten to the point where my expectations have overtaken logic. My expectations don't except substandard, standard, or even above average; all my expectations want out of me is pefection.
So what do I do? I feel miserable. I just feel down in the dumps. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to smile. I try to distract myself by doing something "productive." But then I reach the tipping point. This week. I just become so exhausted, so tired that I babble. I talk and complain and whine to the world that I feel miserable and depressed. I sound selfish, and self-pitying, and self-absorbed, and attention seeking. And that's not me, but its the backlash against all the expectations of myself. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my expectations.
And it breaks me into pieces. I stay alive day by day hoping that I can defeat my expectations and either succeed at them or not let them destroy me. And usually I can hold myself up against the wall of expectations ready to flood upon me at any moment. And I keep hope alive. But sometimes hope seems so distant. I keep going. And going. Like a machine. Whirring, buzzing, humming. And I just hope I don't explode before I see the light.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Trembling Hillsides
Have you ever seen a trembling hillside? Have you ever swam amongst snowcapped peaks? Have you ever driven surrounded by high peaks along a fast-flowing river? On this trip to this posh resort a.k.a Suncadia, I have done these things. But I don't want to sound like a travel brochure. What I have done on this trip is relaxed, released, and entered a static state. I have had no contact with the world back at home and I'm living in a bit of a heavenly separation. It's nice to not be connected to the world outside of this forlorn blog.
Today we went on a drive to the Yakima River Canyon. It was stupendous. It was one of the original national scenic drives, and it is no surprise. It is a barren and desolate landscape, but it is one of the most romantically majestic sites I have ever seen. At one moment you see calm rolling hills along the Yakima, but then suddenly they rise to become huge massifs of scrub and brush glaring menacingly at you. You are small as you drive through the canyon and to top it all off I was listening to fantastic music that made the whole drive magical. It twisted around the steep cliffs and at every turn there was a new view, a new wonderment. And even on the way back upstream towards Ellensburg, each turn revealed a new side of the canyon. It's a metaphor for life. Beyond every turn there is something new; in fact if we had traveled a few more miles we would have been in Yakima, a rather large city. The drive reminds me that life offers many exciting opportunities and chances, and we just need to accept them with full arms and an optimistic viewpoint.
But the image that affects me the most is the view of the trembling hillside. Below our lodge, there is a slope covered in tall grass. No, it isn't actually jiggling, but the wind is strong and blows each individual blade of grass to create this sea of shifting grasses. It's an analogy for our world. The wind is like an opinion, a rumor, or a social movement. And it changes one person, then another, and then a whole group of people. When the wind blows one blade of grass, it is not exceptionally stunning, but when the whole hillside shakes it shows you how the actions of an individual can cause massive changes to the entire world.
Today we went on a drive to the Yakima River Canyon. It was stupendous. It was one of the original national scenic drives, and it is no surprise. It is a barren and desolate landscape, but it is one of the most romantically majestic sites I have ever seen. At one moment you see calm rolling hills along the Yakima, but then suddenly they rise to become huge massifs of scrub and brush glaring menacingly at you. You are small as you drive through the canyon and to top it all off I was listening to fantastic music that made the whole drive magical. It twisted around the steep cliffs and at every turn there was a new view, a new wonderment. And even on the way back upstream towards Ellensburg, each turn revealed a new side of the canyon. It's a metaphor for life. Beyond every turn there is something new; in fact if we had traveled a few more miles we would have been in Yakima, a rather large city. The drive reminds me that life offers many exciting opportunities and chances, and we just need to accept them with full arms and an optimistic viewpoint.
But the image that affects me the most is the view of the trembling hillside. Below our lodge, there is a slope covered in tall grass. No, it isn't actually jiggling, but the wind is strong and blows each individual blade of grass to create this sea of shifting grasses. It's an analogy for our world. The wind is like an opinion, a rumor, or a social movement. And it changes one person, then another, and then a whole group of people. When the wind blows one blade of grass, it is not exceptionally stunning, but when the whole hillside shakes it shows you how the actions of an individual can cause massive changes to the entire world.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Party, Pinnacle, Peace
One day can change the world. One moment can cause a shift in thought. The more I go into the future the better the world I live in seems to be. Whether it is good friendships, romantic sojourns, thought-provoking music, or plain excitement, my life seems to have its bright spots. What is that place they call Nirvana? Why do we search for inner peace? I'm rather clear that my addiction to stressful and busy situations creates this urge for relaxation and calm. But I know that I would hate a life of pure sloth. Today was a day when I saw the subtlety of life and the harmony of craziness.
Today I had a party. I was so thrilled to have a party for my friends' birthdays (and my own). I love meeting with my friends and seeing smiles on their faces. It was a bit chaotic having it in a location that was not particularly easy to find or reach, but the beauty of the location was the reason it was so magical. My friends are a diverse group of people and while I may not share everything in common with them, I definitely enjoyed the pure company of them all. I have the friends who love to play soccer and I have the friends who like to talk. I have the friends who like to sit alone and watch the lake. But is there any thread that connects us all? Yes, they are all my friends. Even though they are different I am still close to all of them and that makes life special.
I just need to learn to stick with one group at a time. I can't be alone at the pier, playing soccer, and chatting at the same time. Similarly at lunch I must choose one group to sit with. It's okay to split it up some days for the spontanaeity and spice of life. I hope I can make a commitment every once in a while...
I also wish I had tried to enjoy my party more. I feel like I spent too much time worrying about the people coming and going and finding the place and cleaning up than the enjoyment of it all. I will be working hard this entire year for prom and I better enjoy it. But in only two weeks and one year I will be at prom. Life is passing by so quickly and vividly.
After the party, I took three friends home. And on the way we saw the resolution of the sunset from atop the mountain we all live on. You could see all of Seattle, Lake Washington, Bellevue, and the Olympics. The colors were an array of purples, magentas, pinks, oranges, yellows, blues, and blacks. The skyline of Seattle and the flashing lights make you feel so small yet so large. It was not beautiful; it was awe-inspiring. I have never seen such a spectacular moment. I have seen amazing views - superb vistas are one of my passions - but I have never taken it all in like tonight. I spontaneously went with the two friends I had still in my car and went to the top of the hill where the exclusive multi-million dollar mansions are. We weren't supposed to be there per se, but why should such beauty be reserved for the rich?
Returning from my digression on class, the view was inspirational. The three of us all are facing many various challenges. I know that I am struggling to live my life in a satisfactory balance and that I worry far too much and that I place expectations far too high for myself. I have my struggles with love and romance like my friends. But the moment was so special because we had that shared awe and realization. These beautiful moments make you realize that your life is so inconsequential in the context of the reality. These surprising vistas make you realize what you miss when you are afraid. These times make you understand your struggles and make you question your life. These views make you reflect on the past and hope for the future. I prayed. I wished. I hoped. There are the petty comments one can discuss like what will the place be like in ten years. But the real deepness of it all it through the introspection one suddenly has when they admire such wonder. Love these moments to the fullest. Love those people you love to the fullest.
Peace. And after that moment I talked. I discussed. I listened. I watche Ugly Betty. I took in the craziness of everyone else's lives. The drama and the crushes. The fallouts and the break ups. The questions of the future and the questions of sexuality. Is that girl going to like me? What will happen to us? OMG we are graduating in one year and three weeks. Did I do the right thing? She is so totally immature. What if... I hurt her, make the wrong choice, forget to fix my mistakes? What should I do? These ar ethe questions that every teenager faces. Not to sound like a scholarly critic, but these questions are the basis of existence for many a teen in the Eastside.
For me, talking to my friends and listening to their hearts makes me feel so proud. I feel like I can be trusted. I feel like I am cared about. I always want to be a better person. I always search for that perfection. I always want to see that life become the life I want. I want to love. I want so much. I search for self-improvement. But is even about me? Life, my life, is not about what I do, but about how I live as a member of this globe.
Today I had a party. I was so thrilled to have a party for my friends' birthdays (and my own). I love meeting with my friends and seeing smiles on their faces. It was a bit chaotic having it in a location that was not particularly easy to find or reach, but the beauty of the location was the reason it was so magical. My friends are a diverse group of people and while I may not share everything in common with them, I definitely enjoyed the pure company of them all. I have the friends who love to play soccer and I have the friends who like to talk. I have the friends who like to sit alone and watch the lake. But is there any thread that connects us all? Yes, they are all my friends. Even though they are different I am still close to all of them and that makes life special.
I just need to learn to stick with one group at a time. I can't be alone at the pier, playing soccer, and chatting at the same time. Similarly at lunch I must choose one group to sit with. It's okay to split it up some days for the spontanaeity and spice of life. I hope I can make a commitment every once in a while...
I also wish I had tried to enjoy my party more. I feel like I spent too much time worrying about the people coming and going and finding the place and cleaning up than the enjoyment of it all. I will be working hard this entire year for prom and I better enjoy it. But in only two weeks and one year I will be at prom. Life is passing by so quickly and vividly.
After the party, I took three friends home. And on the way we saw the resolution of the sunset from atop the mountain we all live on. You could see all of Seattle, Lake Washington, Bellevue, and the Olympics. The colors were an array of purples, magentas, pinks, oranges, yellows, blues, and blacks. The skyline of Seattle and the flashing lights make you feel so small yet so large. It was not beautiful; it was awe-inspiring. I have never seen such a spectacular moment. I have seen amazing views - superb vistas are one of my passions - but I have never taken it all in like tonight. I spontaneously went with the two friends I had still in my car and went to the top of the hill where the exclusive multi-million dollar mansions are. We weren't supposed to be there per se, but why should such beauty be reserved for the rich?
Returning from my digression on class, the view was inspirational. The three of us all are facing many various challenges. I know that I am struggling to live my life in a satisfactory balance and that I worry far too much and that I place expectations far too high for myself. I have my struggles with love and romance like my friends. But the moment was so special because we had that shared awe and realization. These beautiful moments make you realize that your life is so inconsequential in the context of the reality. These surprising vistas make you realize what you miss when you are afraid. These times make you understand your struggles and make you question your life. These views make you reflect on the past and hope for the future. I prayed. I wished. I hoped. There are the petty comments one can discuss like what will the place be like in ten years. But the real deepness of it all it through the introspection one suddenly has when they admire such wonder. Love these moments to the fullest. Love those people you love to the fullest.
Peace. And after that moment I talked. I discussed. I listened. I watche Ugly Betty. I took in the craziness of everyone else's lives. The drama and the crushes. The fallouts and the break ups. The questions of the future and the questions of sexuality. Is that girl going to like me? What will happen to us? OMG we are graduating in one year and three weeks. Did I do the right thing? She is so totally immature. What if... I hurt her, make the wrong choice, forget to fix my mistakes? What should I do? These ar ethe questions that every teenager faces. Not to sound like a scholarly critic, but these questions are the basis of existence for many a teen in the Eastside.
For me, talking to my friends and listening to their hearts makes me feel so proud. I feel like I can be trusted. I feel like I am cared about. I always want to be a better person. I always search for that perfection. I always want to see that life become the life I want. I want to love. I want so much. I search for self-improvement. But is even about me? Life, my life, is not about what I do, but about how I live as a member of this globe.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Smile Off Your Face
I had an amazing experience today. It started out normal, but something was special. There was sunshine in the sky after my wonderful night before and I woke up at a reasonable hour. And then I went to the girls' LAX game for state. Sadly, they lost. But they did well. I am proud of them. After coming down from the plateau I ate lunch quickly and then headed to Seattle and had the most fascinating and exuberant experience of my life.
At the Giant Magnet (the new name for the Seattle Children's International Festival) there was a special teenage theater production called The Smile Off Your Face by the Belgian group Ontroerend Goed. (website: http://www.ontroerendgoed.be/smileengfr.php) It was my birthday present. And I was surprised. I was first placed gently in a wheelchair and then politely blindfolded and then my wrists were tied together. I then placed my entire faith in this troupe of Belgian actors and actresses. They played with the senses with a variety of sensory sparks with my ears, touch, and taste. And no, it wasn't perverted in anyway; it was purely beautiful. I realized so much about my life and it really put perspective in the way I live my life. Words cannot fully describe the effect it had on my senses, emotions, and self-perception. My mind has been opened to so many worlds and future possibilities. If anything I feel a sense of sustained hope and acceptance of myself as I am.
I have so many goals. I have so many dreams. I have so many opportunities. But life isn't about chasing them. Life is about experiencing the journey! Life is about going crazy studying, losing sleep, and making senseless decisions and then spontaneously taking a deep breath and going off to watch the view from the top of the Highlands. Life is about the arduous hike up Alpental to climb over the ridge in the ninety-degree weather and see snow. Life is about pushing your body to the point of exhaustion three times over plus one hundred and then to the power of one thousand and just pushing it a bit more. Life is about that first kiss you subtly make and how spectacular it is through every lasting moment. Life is about love, hope, harmony, understanding, silence, music, art, laughter, argument, hands, smiles, family, friends, and most of all acceptance.
As I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy:
(big spoiler alert!!!)
It is so beautiful these last five minutes. It made me cry. It made me think. It made me feel thankful for my friends. It made me want to enjoy every moment that I have on this Earth. It made me want to live my life and cherish every friendship, bond, and opportunity. But the music "Off I Go" by Greg Laswell - and the beautiful elevator ending just brought full tears to my eyes. It was so deep and so beautiful. It makes us realize how important it is to live the moment. To love your friends. To love your family. To love yourself. To respect the world.
As Meredith says, "It might all be gone tomorrow." Impermanence is the theme of life.
At the Giant Magnet (the new name for the Seattle Children's International Festival) there was a special teenage theater production called The Smile Off Your Face by the Belgian group Ontroerend Goed. (website: http://www.ontroerendgoed.be/smileengfr.php) It was my birthday present. And I was surprised. I was first placed gently in a wheelchair and then politely blindfolded and then my wrists were tied together. I then placed my entire faith in this troupe of Belgian actors and actresses. They played with the senses with a variety of sensory sparks with my ears, touch, and taste. And no, it wasn't perverted in anyway; it was purely beautiful. I realized so much about my life and it really put perspective in the way I live my life. Words cannot fully describe the effect it had on my senses, emotions, and self-perception. My mind has been opened to so many worlds and future possibilities. If anything I feel a sense of sustained hope and acceptance of myself as I am.
I have so many goals. I have so many dreams. I have so many opportunities. But life isn't about chasing them. Life is about experiencing the journey! Life is about going crazy studying, losing sleep, and making senseless decisions and then spontaneously taking a deep breath and going off to watch the view from the top of the Highlands. Life is about the arduous hike up Alpental to climb over the ridge in the ninety-degree weather and see snow. Life is about pushing your body to the point of exhaustion three times over plus one hundred and then to the power of one thousand and just pushing it a bit more. Life is about that first kiss you subtly make and how spectacular it is through every lasting moment. Life is about love, hope, harmony, understanding, silence, music, art, laughter, argument, hands, smiles, family, friends, and most of all acceptance.
As I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy:
(big spoiler alert!!!)
It is so beautiful these last five minutes. It made me cry. It made me think. It made me feel thankful for my friends. It made me want to enjoy every moment that I have on this Earth. It made me want to live my life and cherish every friendship, bond, and opportunity. But the music "Off I Go" by Greg Laswell - and the beautiful elevator ending just brought full tears to my eyes. It was so deep and so beautiful. It makes us realize how important it is to live the moment. To love your friends. To love your family. To love yourself. To respect the world.
As Meredith says, "It might all be gone tomorrow." Impermanence is the theme of life.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Closer to Love
Alas, I am no closer to love, but "Closer to Love" by Mat Kearney is such a wonderful song. Please listen to it.
I feel contented and fulfilled. I feel like I can make change. I feel ready for new challenges. I feel ready to relax. I am breathing. These may seem like simple thoughts, but that makes me satisfied beyond explanation. It is so relieving and so wonderful to feel happy with myself. I am excited for the future and what is in store, but completely content with my life at the moment.
But life is not meant to be static. I search for this spontaneously contented existence and it is not sustainable, but who said that I have to live a perfect life? Like the AP english prompt, I find that adversity is something that teaches us how to live better lives. And I hope that through my struggles as lame and silly as they may be, will teach me to be a better person. I really have not suffered the hardship of most other people since I live my privileged life in Issaquah (lame suburbia). However, I try to sympathize with other people whose lives are more difficult and I hope that through awareness and a healthy conscience I can take action to improve the world.
And so this is like a boat off the pier. The waters are murky at points and clear at others. There is rain, shine, clouds, winds, and calm. Life is surprising and diverse. Our job is to accept these challenges and excitements with an open heart and an open mind.
I feel contented and fulfilled. I feel like I can make change. I feel ready for new challenges. I feel ready to relax. I am breathing. These may seem like simple thoughts, but that makes me satisfied beyond explanation. It is so relieving and so wonderful to feel happy with myself. I am excited for the future and what is in store, but completely content with my life at the moment.
But life is not meant to be static. I search for this spontaneously contented existence and it is not sustainable, but who said that I have to live a perfect life? Like the AP english prompt, I find that adversity is something that teaches us how to live better lives. And I hope that through my struggles as lame and silly as they may be, will teach me to be a better person. I really have not suffered the hardship of most other people since I live my privileged life in Issaquah (lame suburbia). However, I try to sympathize with other people whose lives are more difficult and I hope that through awareness and a healthy conscience I can take action to improve the world.
And so this is like a boat off the pier. The waters are murky at points and clear at others. There is rain, shine, clouds, winds, and calm. Life is surprising and diverse. Our job is to accept these challenges and excitements with an open heart and an open mind.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Finally Some Peace
It's been a tough week. Two AP tests. Craziness, sleeplessness, misery, and stress. There was so much emotion and so much struggle. Yet it wasn't that bad. It just felt yucky. In perspective, my life wasn't that bad, in fact, it was pretty dull and lazy. But I did feel incredibly stressed. And now I have time to sleep; I have time to think.
I think about my actions in the past, and I am inspired to just do better. I am inspired to move forward. My life is not a train wreck and never was. But it was a struggle just like any nation trying to figure out itself in its fledgling decades. I struggle and I fail, but through it all I learn. I just cannot become trapped in the horrible fate of those who relent to the stress and let it overtake them. I cannot lose sight of the people in my lives. I cannot lose sight of the glimmers of sunshine or the freshness of the air. I cannot forget to see the simple joys in life. The smell of a fresh minty breath of air, the sight of bright lights in the skyline, the feel of the first raindrops falling refreshingly from the sky, the joy of those directionless adventures and discussions with friends: these are the things that make life worth living.
Life is simply meant to be lived. No matter what happens to me, God will grant me a second chance, a third chance, and other opportunities in the future. God is forgiving if she wills it to be so. And whatever fate presents me I will open-heartedly appreciate the challenges and help.
The most important thing to be is to just accept being.
"I'm Not Alone" Calvin Harris
-Most addictive and best song ever..... go brit electronica
I think about my actions in the past, and I am inspired to just do better. I am inspired to move forward. My life is not a train wreck and never was. But it was a struggle just like any nation trying to figure out itself in its fledgling decades. I struggle and I fail, but through it all I learn. I just cannot become trapped in the horrible fate of those who relent to the stress and let it overtake them. I cannot lose sight of the people in my lives. I cannot lose sight of the glimmers of sunshine or the freshness of the air. I cannot forget to see the simple joys in life. The smell of a fresh minty breath of air, the sight of bright lights in the skyline, the feel of the first raindrops falling refreshingly from the sky, the joy of those directionless adventures and discussions with friends: these are the things that make life worth living.
Life is simply meant to be lived. No matter what happens to me, God will grant me a second chance, a third chance, and other opportunities in the future. God is forgiving if she wills it to be so. And whatever fate presents me I will open-heartedly appreciate the challenges and help.
The most important thing to be is to just accept being.
"I'm Not Alone" Calvin Harris
-Most addictive and best song ever..... go brit electronica
Monday, May 4, 2009
What's the Point?
What is the purpose of all this difficult work? Why am I punishing myself to be happy? Life is so unclear, so paradoxical. I feel in the depths of despair. I feel miserable. I feel joyless and dissatisfied. I just want it all to be over with. I wish I had not procrastinated so dangerously. I fell into the trap and never again do I want to be as stupid as to repeat my foolish mistakes. I need to rise up. I need to take charge of my life. I will not cry, I will not fall. I will rise.
There are many challenges in life; the most difficult ones are those that seem to never have an end. I am stuck in this. Yet I realize that there are far more difficult struggles faced by people around the world and in my community. What about the girl in Camden who's mom is an alcoholic and has no father? What about the boy in Detroit who lost three of his siblings and now is afraid to go to school? What about the teenager in South Dakota saving his money for an education at the technical school so he can escape the reservation despite the fact that he has an infant to care for since the girlfriend left? What about the mother in the Congo who has been raped and starved and only hopes for some crops to grow and a trivial amount of education? We must step into the shoes of others to be inspired to help them and to help ourselves. Even if I feel no motivation any longer, I must find the motivation for the sake of these souls, the ones who deserve my full hearted efforts.
And when I see the immaturity of many high school students and "may madness," the ranking and bracket of particular girls based purely on their looks, I realize that I must rise above. I can succeed. I do not succumb to the triviality of the teenage boy. I realize there are greater things in the world. And while these boys will one day realize that they are incredibly crass, I hope that I can look back at my past and be proud of myself. But I know I will have to satisfy my own expectations to feel any pride.
Alas, if I want to achieve my goals I must get to work, and sadly it is time to return to APUSH study.... sigh.
There are many challenges in life; the most difficult ones are those that seem to never have an end. I am stuck in this. Yet I realize that there are far more difficult struggles faced by people around the world and in my community. What about the girl in Camden who's mom is an alcoholic and has no father? What about the boy in Detroit who lost three of his siblings and now is afraid to go to school? What about the teenager in South Dakota saving his money for an education at the technical school so he can escape the reservation despite the fact that he has an infant to care for since the girlfriend left? What about the mother in the Congo who has been raped and starved and only hopes for some crops to grow and a trivial amount of education? We must step into the shoes of others to be inspired to help them and to help ourselves. Even if I feel no motivation any longer, I must find the motivation for the sake of these souls, the ones who deserve my full hearted efforts.
And when I see the immaturity of many high school students and "may madness," the ranking and bracket of particular girls based purely on their looks, I realize that I must rise above. I can succeed. I do not succumb to the triviality of the teenage boy. I realize there are greater things in the world. And while these boys will one day realize that they are incredibly crass, I hope that I can look back at my past and be proud of myself. But I know I will have to satisfy my own expectations to feel any pride.
Alas, if I want to achieve my goals I must get to work, and sadly it is time to return to APUSH study.... sigh.
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