Expectations

We all expect standards for ourselves. But for me, it is a dangerous obsession. For years I have lived expecting a standard above all reason for every imaginable goal. And as my life has matured and my world has expanded, these expectations followed me as well. Ever since seventh grade I have assumed that I could accomplish anything. Wait, not seventh grade, more like second grade. And when I mean anything, I mean anything. Unfortunately, this anything transformed itself into everything.

I did seem to have accomplished everything. I achieved my dream from second grade: be on tv for the geography bee at the national level. I had my bar mitzvah. Everything seemed wonderful, perfect, and I was on top of the world. But success is bitter. Success comes with the painful fall to reality which I only realized this past week or two.

I want to be a spectacular person. I want to be my best. I want to change the world. But I have somehow created a mindset in which I have to constantly try to achieve my goals in geo bee style: big, bold, and glamorous. I have to do not just good or acceptable achievements, but rather superb ones. I am trapped by my yearning for achievement.

I have so many goals. And when I think about it, I have too many, too far. I want to be the best and most trustworthy friend. I want to be the most respected leader. I want to be the most sucessful president. I want to be the best debator. I want to make the most community service hours. I want to participate in the most clubs. I want to make a change to my community's viewpoint on specific issues like gay rights, equality, and the environment. I want to plant lots of trees. I want to go to a superb college. I want to have a well-paying job. I want to go to BC and do two classes. I want to get straight A's this semester. I want to do well on my four ap classes. I want to get my black belt before I graduate. I want to be an outstanding ASB enviroment director. I want to learn Japanese fluently. I want to do the National Science Fair. I want to help with the state geo bee. I want to watch my television shows. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to be a beloved brother. I want to be a stellar son. I want to write my thank you notes in the two weeks that are proper. I want to be an artist and make photographs. I want to write this blog. I want to run an election campaign. I want to go to many places during the summer. I want to study for my various classes next year. I want to gather my teacher recommendations this week. I want to write my friend's preface for her portfolio. I want to organize my junk and papers. I want to stop procrastination. I want to wake up and not be tired. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to be an accepting person and open-minded. I want to never make mistakes. I want to be...

You don't need to read the list. I want perfection in all areas of my life. I know it sounds stupid. But that's the way I run my life; and I don't even agree with this lifestyle. I think it is wrong. I think it is bad to want perfection in every aspect of my life, physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual, but what am I to do? I feel like if I do not have a perfect and ideal expectation high in the clouds I am a failure at the bottom of the ground. And this happens often.

I had a sucky week. Life was just not wonderful this week. I made many mistakes. I got distracted. I fell behind on homework. I had to catch up on so many things. I had so many various projects going on at once. I had friends who I felt needed my support. I had the weight of college pressing on my shoulders. And this just makes me feel like a complete failure. I can't deal with the pressure.

I can't deal with the way I compare myself to everyone around me. All I do every day is look at the smallest things that people do, maybe getting ahead on a simple part of a project and I freak out. I feel like I'm a failure because I am not fulfilling my expectation of perfection and betterment. And I know that being behind on one little thing should not set me off, but I've gotten to the point where my expectations have overtaken logic. My expectations don't except substandard, standard, or even above average; all my expectations want out of me is pefection.

So what do I do? I feel miserable. I just feel down in the dumps. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to smile. I try to distract myself by doing something "productive." But then I reach the tipping point. This week. I just become so exhausted, so tired that I babble. I talk and complain and whine to the world that I feel miserable and depressed. I sound selfish, and self-pitying, and self-absorbed, and attention seeking. And that's not me, but its the backlash against all the expectations of myself. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my expectations.

And it breaks me into pieces. I stay alive day by day hoping that I can defeat my expectations and either succeed at them or not let them destroy me. And usually I can hold myself up against the wall of expectations ready to flood upon me at any moment. And I keep hope alive. But sometimes hope seems so distant. I keep going. And going. Like a machine. Whirring, buzzing, humming. And I just hope I don't explode before I see the light.