Movie Inspiration

I had such a wonderful day today. I went to Alki, sunbathed, enjoyed neverending beautiful views. I enjoyed my quality time with marvelous friends. It was so rejuvenating!

Then I dragged my friends to see a movie I've been dying to watch, "The Kids Are All Right," directed by Lisa Cholodenko. I really thought it would be interesting and different; also it received amazing reviews, sparking my interest further.

So we sneaked into the movie, something I've never done myself, and the adrenaline rush added to the excitement. But the movie, oh my, it pulled my heartstrings like nothing I have ever experienced before in a film. It really was unique. It wasn't just about an unconventional family. It was about life. Life as a teenager trying to figure out who you are. Life in a marriage. Life. I could connect to the film in so many ways. I really was touched. At times the sex scenes went too far, but the humor and drama played so well together that I can barely describe what kind of movie it was. It shared both the qualities of a drama and comedy, without really mixing either of them. It really captured the awkwardness of life without being awkward itself. It was just really good art.

So go see it, it might seem unusual, but it really has something special too it that is hard to describe without actually watching at the theatre yourself.

"The Kids Are All Right"

Impeachment

Clouds fogged up the skyline of Seattle as I drove across the 520 bridge to UW for my Japanese placement test. The tip of the tallest skyscraper failed to scrap the sky and hid behind the shroud of gray. The university is really quite fascinating. It is gigantic. I feel like I will be able to explore so much at the university and I really will need a well-made camera to document all the interesting experiences I encounter at this incredible place. These next four years will be marvelous, and all I need to do is continue to have an open mind and a strong spirit.

Among my encounters this morning included a run in with the Lyndon Larouche folks wanting to impeach Obama. I had my first political response with a group in my life by shouting, NO, I LOVE OBAMA! I probably could have been louder, but I was very nervous. I want to proudly announce my passion for this president and even though he is not perfect I have never believed in a politician like I do in Obama. It actually scares me a bit, but I have enough sense to know that he is no perfect Messiah and I will disagree a bit. Rather I am happy to be heading in the right direction right now.

Impeachment is such an extreme device. It really is only used for heinous crimes.
Consider this: friendships are like democracies. We work together in a complex relationship, obviously very differently, but inherently similar. Sometimes friends make mistakes. Sometimes friends make huge mistakes.

When do you decide that they have learned their lesson?
Do you remain friends with someone despite being treated horribly by them?
Do you forgive people for being total douchebags?
I can only be pushed so far by a friend before I need to really think about how much I value that friendship. Sure I can handle lame attacks like practical jokes or teasing. Sure I can handle some erroneous choices. Sure I can be okay with someone bailing out on some of my plans.

But when does someone cross the line from being a friend to merely a frustration?

I really want to find some peace in my friendships right now. I love my friends too much to have it end like this. But sometimes people go too far.
I cannot handle dishonesty.
I cannot handle all this conceitedness.
I cannot deal with this sense of entitlement.
I cannot handle someone who is unwilling to take a risk, unwilling to make a change to be a better person.
I cannot keep trying to fit inside another person's box to be their friend.
I cannot be friends with someone who cannot make a true sacrifice.
I cannot be friends with someone who is too closed to explain how they really feel about something.

If I am not a good enough friend, if I am only going to be a number 12 on your list why do you deserve to be one of my most trusted and best friends?

Right now I have a friend who makes me crazy like those people who want to impeach Obama. I don't want to be that crazy, but I feel like my friend is like some politician who is unreachable. I feel like my friend is like some bureaucrat who tells everyone that they matter and only can serve the few. If this friendship won't work then, as much as I care about it, perhaps I should change my citizenship and flee this bad situation.
But I don't run away.
Nevertheless I am caught in a predicament. As much as I want to take charge and make a difference it is not my turn. My government, my friend needs to do something for me. I can't keep trying to work with a government that won't work with me.
Still, I am offering no impeachment. I am offering no punishment. All I ask is for some honesty. All I ask is for is a REAL friendship.

"The Ladder" - Andrew Belle

Marmalade Moon

The marmalade moon greeted me this evening as I drove at forty mph down the road returning home in my loyal eighteen year old camry. Life has passed by so fast just like the incoherant series of vigilant evergreen trees lining the road. I am merely a passenger on this earth, but I want to be an excellent tenant of this planet. As I sat next to the flame of the bonfire at a good friend's house, I realized that I would be growing tired of some old mates, replenish relationships, and discover new pals. I realized that while UW may not be the incredible college I dreamed of, I will find the magic in this progressive pocket of the Pacific Northwest. The clouds may be dreary, but the views are marvelous. The darkness of wintertime and the chill of the air in December windstorms may dampen my spirits, but I will find a way to fully thrive under these wet conditions. I will seek sunshine in the gum walls of post alley, the fishy scent of the sound, the bright lights of downtown, the artistic abstract of Fremont, the variety of vivid cuisines, and the gallant trees of the dozens of gorgeous parks. There is sunshine at the depths of every place, but you just have to seek it. With all this brilliant sunshine in the summer, it has to be stored somewhere.

Still it remains a struggle for me to constantly have this positive attitude about life. I have felt so lonely, so self-hateful recently and I do not want all these emotions to stop me from living the life I want to live. I have so much potential, but I think these teenage years of middle and high school have really stifled my growth. I have so much to offer back to this planet, to the amazing people who make this place real, but I feel caught like a bug in the web of a horrendous spider of emotional chaos.

Order and chaos. They are true opposites. Nevertheless we cannot live without both of them. We need order for efficiency. We need chaos to breathe. Too much order kills the soul. Too much chaos kills the mind. It is a constant fight. Often we choose a side. But I believe that every duality in life is necessary and without finding a balance between the two dualities and bringing them together, we cannot find peace within or outside.

I always like to think that maybe there really are 21 balloons that can guide me toward a sort of perfect harmony between my mind and soul, order and chaos, good and evil, joy and sadness, anger and kindness, humanity and the earth, but in the end, there are not 21 balloons out there to help save us. We don't have a magical wizard at the end of our tales. We cannot go back to Kansas. We have to find the magic of Oz and even if it is inherently wicked we must either adapt or change our setting. Allowing the unsettled disharmony to overtake us only makes us insular and hopeless. Rather we must find the harmony in every change in life and allow ourselves to create peace in every moment.

As I cleaned out my room and stalked people on facebook from my first grade class, I realized how much we change and how little we change after so many years. We are all really the same people as we were in kindergarten, yet we are incredibly different. It really obfuscates my sense of order all this change, but this chaotic pattern of growth makes us human. And humanity is lovely. I still have so many old papers that have such little usage in my present day, yet I hold so much nostalgia looking back on my childhood. I miss the simplicity of my life with no friends except my atlases and invented countries. Even today I have invented multiple nations with their own unique cultures and peoples. I live for hours in my imagined countries pretending to rest on white sandy beaches or eating delicious foods in the mountains high above rocky fjords. Imagination however can only entertain temporarily. Imagination cannot bring the magic of friendship, love, and family. While I do grow tired of my real relationships, I am much prouder of these human relationships because they have so much depth to them. No, they don't always fit into my box of sunny beaches and tropical rain forests, but they bring so much more to life than colors on paper. Humanity was God's worst and greatest invention, the ultimate duality. It is incredibly fascinating, and I am just so happy to live on this glorious planet.

"Moon" - Sia

Five Days Ago

Only five days ago I was immersed amongst my friends having a blast in Canada. Today I am sitting lonely at my desk in front of my computer deprived of social relations for the past three days. I feel so alone. I have so much I want to do this summer, but I cannot seem to meet the people who I want to meet and I don't want to spend time with the people who are conveniently there. This is such a special time in my life, my last summer, but everyone who I care about seems to be caught up in their own lives. Nobody seems to have any time to share this summer with me, but what am I supposed to do? I freed up most of my summer so that I could enjoy it with others, but there seems to be nobody to share this summer with.

E.g. I have this hiking pass that expires in a few days, and I have been wanting to go hiking all summer. But then my martial arts training took priority and then I went on my trip and now nobody seems to have time to do anything with me. Even my typical friends of convenience are busy. I want to spend some time with the people who are leaving next year, but they seem to care more about some friends than other friends. I want to celebrate a birthday with someone but I missed the date of the birthday... I feel all over the place and I just want a hug right now, but the people I go to for hugs are too busy or unreachable. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I am going insane stuck in this stressful house all day while watching the gorgeous sunsets from my lonely window. I want to share this spectacular summer with the friends I love, but somehow from the magical trip I went on for five days, the world has suddenly flipped and for the past five days I have gone crazy with loneliness and boredom.

This is my last summer. I just want to enjoy it.

"Holding Us Back" - Katie Herzig

Feelings

We all have feelings in this world. Feelings are incredibly intangible. While emotions are not abstract, we cannot really grasp them, and often they do not make sense. Some feelings are more "wrong" than others, but in truth, no emotion is right or wrong. Actions have rights and wrongs, but feelings are real, feelings are truly who we are. We have the choice to act on the positive ones, and we have the choice to act on the negative ones. However sometimes those feelings overwhelm us to the point in which we do something based too much on feeling instead of what is rational. So in life we have to determine what feelings are appropriate to allow to takeover, and which ones we must try to control.

For me, I really have to control a few feelings like:
- self-pity
- sadness
- self-hatred
- anger.

On the other hand I really need to accept other feelings like:
- love
- joy
- humor

In my belief it is those positive feelings that need to be displayed, and while we often cannot help but have those miserable emotions overtake our lives, we have to find somewhere else to place them.

Nevertheless, the very first step toward conquering the negative emotions is to accept them. Sometimes we have too much negativity in our lives. I temporarily escape negativity by visiting beautiful natural settings or through active occupations. I run to escape depression and to let go of stress. I drive to my favorite viewpoints in the Issaquah highlands and Seattle to remind myself of all the beauty and splendor of this planet. Yet it can be so difficult. So often, we can find ourselves in such hard places. Whether it is uncontrollable dishonesty, anger, self-hatred, or depression, we can be overwhelmed by emotions that freeze our inhibitions and turn us into characters we loathe. Some people are awesome at stopping this jekyll/hyde affect, but most of us are still trying to figure it out.

We are all human, that's the basic message. We are all in this craziness together. Some people may seem to have perfect lives, but each of us have mysterious facets of life that make us more unique, and even more fallible. We must embrace our flaws. We must accept ourselves for our whole selves. Because otherwise we live a lie.

"Witchcraft" - Pendulum

What's Up With This World?

Last night there was a shooting at Lake Sammamish State Park. I was just at that park a few weeks ago. It is so eerie to know that a place that I consider safe can be a place of death.

Why is the world like this? Why do people have to murder? Why can't we just talk? Why can't we just be open? This is what happens when we hold our emotions. We then release rage, uncontrollable fury.

I was so sad today. I am looking forward to the trip, yet at the same time I don't think it will be the same. But I guess I have to make the most of it.

That's life. People die. People suffer. Things don't work out, but hopefully we can all find glimmers of light in every dark moment.

"All Those Pretty Lights" - Andrew Belle

God, You Know Me Too Well

At last, I finally made it. I have dedicated myself to martial arts for the past twelve years. While my passion has wavered throughout these years, last night, my passion showed through. I pushed myself to extremes that I never imagined I could reach. I thrust myself into a five-hour long, incredibly crazy, and incredibly painful test of passion. I survived. I could not have made it without my good friends. They helped me make it through the most challenging test of my body and spirits that I have every endured. I ended with so much hope and so much vibrancy. I had this feeling that together as a group, with our minds, bodies, and souls, all together as one, we could accomplish anything. I believed in myself. I felt brave. I felt alive. I felt euphoric. I felt like I was undefeatable.

But of course, God, you know me too well. I have been trying to go with the flow this summer. I have been trying to accept the things that life throws at me. I have been trying to be resilient. I have been trying to work with life, rather than fight it. But why, why, why this? Why did you have to torture me so? I have been dreaming of this forthcoming week for so many months. I did not spend hours upon hours planning for a trip for five, not six. I did not spend hours upon hours just to leave out one of my most beloved friends. Why do you torture me so?

Why is it that I feel like nobody understands me at all? Why does nobody else seem to be as emotionally wrought by this scenario? Do I just care too much? I have been trying to go with the flow, but of all things to change, why this? A rainy week would be fine. Unwritten expenses I could accept. But why this? God, you have command over so much, and why do you have to teach me a lesson in every step of my life? Why can I not just enjoy it in my perfect little box for once?

I know. This is exactly what I need. I need to be thrown off course. I need to be thrown into this unusual feeling of self-pity for someone else, but I just wish it could be different.

I want to enjoy this vacation. But I can't. I don't think I'll be able to get over this for a long time. I know it is silly, but I find it to be so cruel. Am I expecting too much? Yes, obviously. But this is one thing I thought I could expect, and suddenly everything is tossed overboard.

I guess the point is, that this is my orchestra. Now I am missing all the violins. Sure, it might still make a sound, but the entire concert will be missing something so vital. It will only make a sound now. The music that makes my life has died. And sadly, there is nothing I can do about it; I am only the conductor of my own misery.

"Open Your Eyes" - Andrew Belle

Oh How I Wish!!!

I wish I could just gather the courage to tell you. I wish I could gather the courage just to talk to you on facebook. But I can't. I am so afraid. I am so afraid of so much. I knew this bliss could only be short-lived if I ignored all these feelings. Oh, how I wish I could have the bravery to click that stupid button. But I can't. But I can't.

"Lonely For Her" - Jack's Mannequin

Small Things Add Up

For a few months I have been putting all my change from my purchases into a special savings jar and today I counted up the coins. After just saving small bits of change over a few months I ended up with $56 total! This is perfect for extra spending money on my trip to Vancouver next week!

I am really excited for this trip with my friends. It will be my first time traveling with my friends, the first time without my bickering and stressful parents. I am mixing two of my favorite things in life, friendship and travel. It will be quite the adventure.
Meanwhile I have been probably over-preparing for the trip, but I am full of enthusiasm, so I have organized packing lists, itineraries, restaurant lists, and maps. I probably am exhausting my group, but they don't need to appreciate the things I make; I just create all this paperwork to fulfill some weird sort of obsession.

Back to the coins, it's amazing how much the little things count for in the end. This can apply so much in life. When we take small steps toward any big goal, the end outcome will often surprise us. I've been practicing my weapon form for my big black belt test this Friday, and each time I practice I don't feel like I am really improving, but compared to a few weeks ago, I am really proud of how much I have improved. A few more practice sessions and hopefully I will be almost perfect!

"Power" - Kanye West

Satisfied, yet Still Missing Something

I had such a spectacular weekend. I got to see a friend I haven't seen in several years. I got to enjoy downtown with good friends in the sunshine. I got to really just live and enjoy life to the fullest even with the crazy traffic and the late night denny's runs. Even the weed pulling early this morning had something about it that made me feel accomplished, excited, and fulfilled. I believe I am starting to find happiness in life. It's just sort of crazy!

The black belt test is upcoming and it haunts me. But I know it will all be okay. I just need to get to sleep earlier so that I can actually get a full night's rest. I'll keep practicing and training diligently and I know that I will do well.

Despite all this joy, I am missing something. But I guess that part of my heart can wait.

"I Need You" - Jack's Mannequin



(the video is bleh, but the music is remarkable)

This New Feeling

These past few weeks I have felt something I haven't felt since I was a kid. I have felt... happy.

Something has changed. Something within me is making me feel happy for the first time in so long. I am finding hope in strange places. I am discovering wonder in the most unusual ways. I am living, really living. I am being myself. I am comfortable with who I am for once. I am being real.

Somehow, even though so much is not perfect, I am finding happiness. It's so weird. It's not like the happiness I have felt most of my teenage life. It is not fake. It is not temporary. It's not the kind of happiness in which I need something or someone to initiate my happiness. I am happy just to be alive.

I've been waiting for years to wake up one morning, and just be happy. I think I've finally done so.

"Drive" - Incubus



One of my favorite songs. And finally I'm following the lyrics I have believed in for so long.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

When Will People Get It?

Finally some good news on marriage equality as a judge in Massachusetts deemed that DOMA was infringing on civil rights and was unconstitutional. Obviously it will be appealed higher and will possibly reach the supreme court. But I am just so bothered by the ignorance of the right wing groups who oppose gay rights. And the governor of Hawaii's veto of the recent civil rights bill. I just don't understand why they need to control the world and fit it into their little tiny box. Let people live the way they want to live instead of trying to decide for yourself what is right and wrong. This isn't murder or rape people. This is about love and it has no affect on any of you opponents.

Ugh. America is just so behind the times and unequal.

Today was so hot. But I really enjoyed hanging out with good friends at the lake. I really do love swimming even if it is the disgusting lake. It just is so refreshing on a boiling hot day. The water provides just so much freedom! There is so much to look forward to in life. I may be dismayed by the inequality of the United States and the struggles I have with my martial arts and many other things, but I have hope. Today was just so brilliantly sunny. I think there is something good coming my way.

"Brand New Colony" - Postal Service



At least this song is hopeful.

15.5 lbs.

Today it rained. Rain on the 4th of July is so unpatriotic. Oh well, I made the most of it. I decided I might as well clean up might room a little since I had the time. So I started doing my laundry. And then I tackled all the school supplies I had collected over the years of high school. Basically, I don't need any new supplies for college.... Later I went to the piles of work I had collected from just this year of high school, the notes, worksheets, and essays.

I only found about two classes worth of notes to keep and a few random essays that were meaningful or inspiring to me. For the most part I tossed everything. When I weighed the stuff I thought was important on the scale, it didn't even register. However the pile of crap, work that really did not do much for my brain other than keep it busy and keep my stress levels elevated, weighed a grand total of 15.5 pounds. So much paper wasted. I do not believe I have ever had a year so superfluous as this year. Nevertheless it was fantastic closing that miserable door behind me and opening my new doors toward a life of happiness, fulfillment, and serendipity.

Another weight pulled away from my shoulder. I feel so alive recently. Suddenly all the things on that to do list seem less ridiculous. Life just doesn't seem as daunting. It really is about facing things in small pieces rather than large, overwhelming ones. We can only live in crisis, Titanic situations once in a while. We cannot live our whole lives like that.

I've always thought I was unlucky, but I realize that I real determine my own luck. I let life's opportunities pass by because I live in tunnel vision. I have spent most of my life so afraid. I cling to what I know works, too afraid to take risk or do things differently. It's because life has worked for me pretty well the way I know how to do it. I work like a machine, I fear change because I never get past the fear and insecurity I feel when I take a different path. Yet most paths lead up the mountain. I am just too afraid most of the time to try something new. But now I am realizing that if I want to achieve my dreams I have to stop running a straight path and accept that sometimes there will be twists and turns. I am just beginning to live my life with serendipity, but I think I can do this. Insecurity will haunt me every time I try something new, but it is temporary. I will have luck on my side and confidence will fill my soul. I am finally starting to believe in myself just by placing myself in this mindset, and it's not even sunny out!

"Make Your Own Luck" By Rebecca Webber
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201005/make-your-own-luck

"Commander" - Kelly Rowland

Keep Dreaming, Keep Focused

It's hard to focus on goals in life, but I have to keep my head steady. I want that black belt. I need to stay motivated to accomplish my dreams. But maybe I need to clarify my dreams some more. I think so much, maybe I need to think less. My mind is so unclear. Everything is clutter. This weekend is going to be crazy uncluttering, writing, practicing, training, and meditating weekend. Can I do it? Yes, I'll continue running. I'll continue to clean out my terribly messy closet. I'll continue to meditate, even more. I'll continue to study martial arts. I will write those essays. I will love life. I will do this, I know I can, I am turning over a new leaf.

"When I See U" - Fantasia

Everything Was Okay, but then...

hell broke loose. my life was going swell, but everything is now falling apart. I just wanted things to work out. I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted to be honest. But now I think I have ruined everything.

"Lovesick Mistake" - Erin McCarley