God, You Know Me Too Well

At last, I finally made it. I have dedicated myself to martial arts for the past twelve years. While my passion has wavered throughout these years, last night, my passion showed through. I pushed myself to extremes that I never imagined I could reach. I thrust myself into a five-hour long, incredibly crazy, and incredibly painful test of passion. I survived. I could not have made it without my good friends. They helped me make it through the most challenging test of my body and spirits that I have every endured. I ended with so much hope and so much vibrancy. I had this feeling that together as a group, with our minds, bodies, and souls, all together as one, we could accomplish anything. I believed in myself. I felt brave. I felt alive. I felt euphoric. I felt like I was undefeatable.

But of course, God, you know me too well. I have been trying to go with the flow this summer. I have been trying to accept the things that life throws at me. I have been trying to be resilient. I have been trying to work with life, rather than fight it. But why, why, why this? Why did you have to torture me so? I have been dreaming of this forthcoming week for so many months. I did not spend hours upon hours planning for a trip for five, not six. I did not spend hours upon hours just to leave out one of my most beloved friends. Why do you torture me so?

Why is it that I feel like nobody understands me at all? Why does nobody else seem to be as emotionally wrought by this scenario? Do I just care too much? I have been trying to go with the flow, but of all things to change, why this? A rainy week would be fine. Unwritten expenses I could accept. But why this? God, you have command over so much, and why do you have to teach me a lesson in every step of my life? Why can I not just enjoy it in my perfect little box for once?

I know. This is exactly what I need. I need to be thrown off course. I need to be thrown into this unusual feeling of self-pity for someone else, but I just wish it could be different.

I want to enjoy this vacation. But I can't. I don't think I'll be able to get over this for a long time. I know it is silly, but I find it to be so cruel. Am I expecting too much? Yes, obviously. But this is one thing I thought I could expect, and suddenly everything is tossed overboard.

I guess the point is, that this is my orchestra. Now I am missing all the violins. Sure, it might still make a sound, but the entire concert will be missing something so vital. It will only make a sound now. The music that makes my life has died. And sadly, there is nothing I can do about it; I am only the conductor of my own misery.

"Open Your Eyes" - Andrew Belle