The past two days have been long and exhausting in ways that are difficult to describe. I haven't had enough sleep recently. I have been somewhat behind and overwhelmed by homework and campaigning. I have been doing so many social things, and today I was really feeling worn by all the socialization.
Yesterday was a yucky morning filled with lecture and rushed academics. Later I went with a friend who doesn't know me entirely well to the city to develop my film and visit some sites. I loved the view from the water tower at Volunteer Park, and I felt inspired by the glorious sunshine across the city of Seattle and the surrounding metropolis. The leaves are changing color and in the sun the colors are incredible. Later on I tried some salted caramel ice cream and pear sorbet at Molly Moon's ice cream and it was quite a treat.
My social outings continued as I ate a rushed dinner and then watched a movie with more friends. The film, Winter's Bone, was dark, dramatic, and thought-provoking, so I really enjoyed it. I went to sleep late, woke up early this morning to run with a friend, and then studied with a friend the rest of the afternoon in my favorite study cafe. For the most part I was depressingly unproductive. All the time with my friends was great, but I felt exhausted from it. I talked to my friend about how lonely I feel despite having all these friends amongst me. My mood started to sour internally. I stopped being my friendly self. Now I sit in a coffee shop on Capitol Hill alone and away from all my friend and the people at college.
I just don't feel like I fit in with everyone at UW. A friend asked me to go to a frat party, but I was uninterested. I don't want to drink and party. I don't want to go to all these costume parties. I don't want to smoke hookah or spend all my time working out at the IMA. I love my friends, but they all seem to be so bored. Plus I am frightened by many of these experiences as stupid as it may seem. I just feel so uncomfortable with parties, drinking, or even working out at the gym.
I want to explore the city. I want to go on adventures. I want to eat delicious food. I want to discuss complex topics from class and go to thought-provoking museums and sites. Maybe I am the only one like that in the world, but I hope I find someone who shares my interests, a companion who I can really spend time with for the rest of my life (in the long-term.... I don't necessarily need this now). So in the meantime I will try to enjoy life in the moment and love all that I love by myself.
In the meantime, I just found out that my grandma passed away. She was so inspiring. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I don't really know what to think. I can't really comprehend it all. I am in shock. I just hope she has found peace.
"So Here We Are" - Bloc Party
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
A Little Lonely, A Little Hopeful
This morning I finally woke up with a somewhat positive tilt for the first time in years. It was a weird feeling. It wasn't like I woke up thrilled. But I just woke up 51% happy and 49% unhappy. It was that little bit of happiness that just made it so surprising. I don't really remember when I last woke up happy, but this was an incredible start.
After that relief, I took my shower. I dreaded the communal showering concept at first, but it's really not all that bad; I've just gotten used to it. Same with dorming. It's all well and good here and thankfully I have a tolerable roommate. Still there are the occasional conflicts, but otherwise life is basically quite peaceful.
Class today was sort of drab. I basically slept through my lecture on bats, but I participated almost a bit too much in our discussion of populations and carbon legacies from human reproduction in my lab section. I was a little disappointed in my quiz section by the lack of motivation in my group. People here seem to shrug off academia as if it is a sin. I feel like I can't be myself with my passion for learning because people think I am being stuck up or condescending. I just love to discuss things that are complex, and while that may be a little elitist, it's just who I am.
I later phonebanked for Suzan Delbene. I am starting to tire of politics, but I guess that means I've been diving deep into something I love. I have done so much, I'm guessing I've done twenty or so hours of volunteer work for the Democrats, and I hope that it ends up benefiting progressiveness. I'm exhausted, but I love it. I really need to work out and keep my life in check, but I am searching balance. I ate well today, a delicious pupusa at this lovely place a block from my dorm and pappardelle for dinner with actually tasty kale. I love it when food actually tastes delicious. There is plenty to look forward to in the world even if I feel so alone at times. It's weird how when you are around the people you love you actually feel less loved. But I will find more to love, more love, and love all around.
"Further" - Correatown
After that relief, I took my shower. I dreaded the communal showering concept at first, but it's really not all that bad; I've just gotten used to it. Same with dorming. It's all well and good here and thankfully I have a tolerable roommate. Still there are the occasional conflicts, but otherwise life is basically quite peaceful.
Class today was sort of drab. I basically slept through my lecture on bats, but I participated almost a bit too much in our discussion of populations and carbon legacies from human reproduction in my lab section. I was a little disappointed in my quiz section by the lack of motivation in my group. People here seem to shrug off academia as if it is a sin. I feel like I can't be myself with my passion for learning because people think I am being stuck up or condescending. I just love to discuss things that are complex, and while that may be a little elitist, it's just who I am.
I later phonebanked for Suzan Delbene. I am starting to tire of politics, but I guess that means I've been diving deep into something I love. I have done so much, I'm guessing I've done twenty or so hours of volunteer work for the Democrats, and I hope that it ends up benefiting progressiveness. I'm exhausted, but I love it. I really need to work out and keep my life in check, but I am searching balance. I ate well today, a delicious pupusa at this lovely place a block from my dorm and pappardelle for dinner with actually tasty kale. I love it when food actually tastes delicious. There is plenty to look forward to in the world even if I feel so alone at times. It's weird how when you are around the people you love you actually feel less loved. But I will find more to love, more love, and love all around.
"Further" - Correatown
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Excitement, Hope, OBAMA
I feel energized tonight. Tomorrow I will be volunteering at the Obama rally and I get reserved seats at the rally in the stadium. I am so thrilled! This is going to be one of the greatest events I have ever witnessed. I don't know what to expect, but I will be happy to just see the president in the same room as me. Wow, in less than 12 hrs. I will be listening to President Barack Obama speaking. I just can't believe it.
"Fired Up? Ready to Go!" - Barack Obama
"Fired Up? Ready to Go!" - Barack Obama
Monday, October 18, 2010
Me the Machine
Get up. Run. Grab bookbag. Ride bus. Study. Study. Study. Study. Break. Study. Study. Study. Study. Break. Study. Study. Study. Ride bus back. Eat. Study. Study. Study. Study. Study. Breathe. Study. Study. Study. Sleep.
Wake up. Eat. Go to class. Study. Study. Go to class. Go to next class. Eat. Study. Study. Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell. Hello, I'm here asking for your support of our state senator, Randy Gordon. Thank you. Have a good evening. Ride car. Eat. Study. Study. Study.
Now I'm here. Exhausted. Sleepy. A machine.
Good night.
"Wonderful Life" - Hurts
Wake up. Eat. Go to class. Study. Study. Go to class. Go to next class. Eat. Study. Study. Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell. Hello, I'm here asking for your support of our state senator, Randy Gordon. Thank you. Have a good evening. Ride car. Eat. Study. Study. Study.
Now I'm here. Exhausted. Sleepy. A machine.
Good night.
"Wonderful Life" - Hurts
Saturday, October 16, 2010
This Day
This week has full of craziness. I devoted more time to the Democratic Party, campaigning for Patty Murray. Another day I learned about geoengineering from a renowned scientist from the University of Calgary. On Thursday I got payed for participating in a research project on water rights auctions in the Yakima River Valley. Friday was spectacular. I dressed up in my classy purple and gold tie and went to an early morning lecture from Bjorn Lomborg. He was really interesting and it was cool to have a famous speaker at my lecture. I then enjoyed a lovely afternoon with a good friend and chatted with my RA afterward. But the best part of this week was last night.
I spent last night with friends who I had largely abandoned last year because I couldn't handle watching their happiness while I was so morose. Finally I was honest with them. I told them the truth and opened up to them. I feel like I have become a stronger person, but also I am a more trustworthy person by opening up to them. I hope this makes my friendships stronger. I hope that I am able to rebuild all that I lost last year through my depression and closed off character.
It has been unbelievably beautiful this week in Seattle. The weather has been inspiring. It has been sunny almost every day and reasonably mild for this time of year. I have never seen so much sunshine in Seattle in October! I am thrilled. I went to the arboretum today and enjoyed the gallant trees changing color in the brilliant sunlight. This city is so beautiful and I am being reminded every day by this gorgeous city and campus that life is really worth living.
I am having such a wonderful time here. I thought in many ways that UW would be a horrible experience. In some ways it is not that great, but in every way that UW is not great, it turns out to be much better than what it seems. Like my classmates seem somewhat unintelligent at first, but when I learn about their backgrounds, I realize that they are much smarter than I ever imagined. Also I feel like learning at UW is really up to the individual. The professors and programs try really hard to make learning accessible and help expand your knowledge, but it is up to me to really make the difference. I guess every college is like that. The biggest difference I have noticed though is that my stress level is so much lower here than in high school. There is so much freedom, and in high school all the conformity was my biggest stress.
I'm free. I'm happy. It's sunny. This day is marvelous, and I hope that many more days continue to be this way.
"This Day" - Emma's Imagination
I spent last night with friends who I had largely abandoned last year because I couldn't handle watching their happiness while I was so morose. Finally I was honest with them. I told them the truth and opened up to them. I feel like I have become a stronger person, but also I am a more trustworthy person by opening up to them. I hope this makes my friendships stronger. I hope that I am able to rebuild all that I lost last year through my depression and closed off character.
It has been unbelievably beautiful this week in Seattle. The weather has been inspiring. It has been sunny almost every day and reasonably mild for this time of year. I have never seen so much sunshine in Seattle in October! I am thrilled. I went to the arboretum today and enjoyed the gallant trees changing color in the brilliant sunlight. This city is so beautiful and I am being reminded every day by this gorgeous city and campus that life is really worth living.
I am having such a wonderful time here. I thought in many ways that UW would be a horrible experience. In some ways it is not that great, but in every way that UW is not great, it turns out to be much better than what it seems. Like my classmates seem somewhat unintelligent at first, but when I learn about their backgrounds, I realize that they are much smarter than I ever imagined. Also I feel like learning at UW is really up to the individual. The professors and programs try really hard to make learning accessible and help expand your knowledge, but it is up to me to really make the difference. I guess every college is like that. The biggest difference I have noticed though is that my stress level is so much lower here than in high school. There is so much freedom, and in high school all the conformity was my biggest stress.
I'm free. I'm happy. It's sunny. This day is marvelous, and I hope that many more days continue to be this way.
"This Day" - Emma's Imagination
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Losing Hope
I have been enthusiastic for the most part the past few weeks here at UW, but recently I have lost a lot of my hope. Things here are just more difficult than I imagined, and even though things are going great, I feel a pit of loneliness even amongst good friends, a frozen identity, and a lack of motivation.
People here are great, but you have to find them. This is not one of those colleges where students are amazingly interesting at every corner. A lot of students here merely want to party, have sex, do drugs, etc. Many students just want college to be over with. Where is the passion for learning that I came to college for? Where is the open mindedness that college students are meant to possess? I don't think it helps that I spend so much time with the same friends from high school. My friends just don't care about learning as much as I do it seems. They treat their classes like porcupine needles stabbing their happiness. I love to learn, but I don't feel like I belong here. I am not surrounded by the energy that I expected out of college, but I will continue to try to seek it.
Even worse here is the fact that I am stuck in this certain identity. People have their preconceived notions of who I am because I went to high school with them. I have been spending so much time with people who think I am a particular person and they cannot treat me like a new person here at this new institution. I feel like I am trapped in a suit that I want to step out of. I feel so trapped all the time. I cannot delve into my new friendships because I still have friends here who I do care about, but in a way they drag me down because I become so comfortable conforming with an identity, just so I can still have a strong social network.
The most miserable part of my recent experience has been loneliness. The clubs here have been a decent method toward combating this loneliness, but in general clubs here are not that spectacular. The weather has caused me to be a little stressed and lethargic already; I hope that it doesn't continue to make me moody and unfriendly. My struggles with meeting and befriending new people deepen my loneliness. Plus this feeling of being trapped in a box full of unenthusiasm and the same judgments makes me feel alone even among those who care and love me. Loneliness is a horrible feeling. Yet it really affects me. It goes back to those other miseries of hopelessness, a frozen identity, and dismotivation. It is a vicious, terrifying cycle.
I believe I can defeat some of these problems by challenging the sources of my struggles. I need to continue to explore this campus like I was doing earlier on in the weeks here. I felt motivated back then because I kept discovering new and fascinating things. These discoveries inspire me even the small ones. In terms of my identity, I believe I just need to open up more to people around me and trust my friends. I also need to keep an open mind about my friends, and really keep a fresh mind around new people rather than immediately judging them. Everyone has a story and it is easy to quickly pass judgment on everyone around me. The clubs are quite fine actually, and I guess it would be stupid to have so many clubs when I can't join all of them. I still need to research for clubs that fit exactly what I seek, but so far my three clubs are really good starts to my year. There is little I can do about the weather, but I can find exciting things about this campus and city that transcend the climate. Basically I need to continue working hard, exploring, opening up, etc. I really just need to stop hiding in my comfort zone if I want my life to improve. I need to stop curling up in my judgments of others, assumptions of the future, and self-hatred. Tip toe outside the solid sheets of ice on the pond and test the thinner, more exhilarating ones in the center. Step closer to the edge of the cliff. Usually it's not as steep or scary as we assume.
On another note, the outlook for the midterm elections is also dragging down my mood, but next Thursday Obama is coming to speak at UW. I am hoping he will replenish my hope in this time of solemnity.
"Somewhere I Belong" - Linkin Park
People here are great, but you have to find them. This is not one of those colleges where students are amazingly interesting at every corner. A lot of students here merely want to party, have sex, do drugs, etc. Many students just want college to be over with. Where is the passion for learning that I came to college for? Where is the open mindedness that college students are meant to possess? I don't think it helps that I spend so much time with the same friends from high school. My friends just don't care about learning as much as I do it seems. They treat their classes like porcupine needles stabbing their happiness. I love to learn, but I don't feel like I belong here. I am not surrounded by the energy that I expected out of college, but I will continue to try to seek it.
Even worse here is the fact that I am stuck in this certain identity. People have their preconceived notions of who I am because I went to high school with them. I have been spending so much time with people who think I am a particular person and they cannot treat me like a new person here at this new institution. I feel like I am trapped in a suit that I want to step out of. I feel so trapped all the time. I cannot delve into my new friendships because I still have friends here who I do care about, but in a way they drag me down because I become so comfortable conforming with an identity, just so I can still have a strong social network.
The most miserable part of my recent experience has been loneliness. The clubs here have been a decent method toward combating this loneliness, but in general clubs here are not that spectacular. The weather has caused me to be a little stressed and lethargic already; I hope that it doesn't continue to make me moody and unfriendly. My struggles with meeting and befriending new people deepen my loneliness. Plus this feeling of being trapped in a box full of unenthusiasm and the same judgments makes me feel alone even among those who care and love me. Loneliness is a horrible feeling. Yet it really affects me. It goes back to those other miseries of hopelessness, a frozen identity, and dismotivation. It is a vicious, terrifying cycle.
I believe I can defeat some of these problems by challenging the sources of my struggles. I need to continue to explore this campus like I was doing earlier on in the weeks here. I felt motivated back then because I kept discovering new and fascinating things. These discoveries inspire me even the small ones. In terms of my identity, I believe I just need to open up more to people around me and trust my friends. I also need to keep an open mind about my friends, and really keep a fresh mind around new people rather than immediately judging them. Everyone has a story and it is easy to quickly pass judgment on everyone around me. The clubs are quite fine actually, and I guess it would be stupid to have so many clubs when I can't join all of them. I still need to research for clubs that fit exactly what I seek, but so far my three clubs are really good starts to my year. There is little I can do about the weather, but I can find exciting things about this campus and city that transcend the climate. Basically I need to continue working hard, exploring, opening up, etc. I really just need to stop hiding in my comfort zone if I want my life to improve. I need to stop curling up in my judgments of others, assumptions of the future, and self-hatred. Tip toe outside the solid sheets of ice on the pond and test the thinner, more exhilarating ones in the center. Step closer to the edge of the cliff. Usually it's not as steep or scary as we assume.
On another note, the outlook for the midterm elections is also dragging down my mood, but next Thursday Obama is coming to speak at UW. I am hoping he will replenish my hope in this time of solemnity.
"Somewhere I Belong" - Linkin Park
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Fixing People Isn't Possible
You can't change people. It just isn't possible. The only person you can possibly change, the only thing you can really make a difference in is yourself. Even then you can't change everything about yourself. But if you are like me and you like to control things, that gives you comfort, knowing you can change something.
Here at UW I find myself really concerned about the well-being of my friends. I am having a wonderful time here, but it really disappoints me when I see a friend unhappy about their experience here. I try really hard to make this place better for them, and with the understanding that they can only change their experience by changing themselves, I try to change my friends. I tell them what to do. I recommend certain modes of action. I institute plans. I guess I have forgotten to just enjoy the time I spend with friends. All the time I spend with my friends (especially one in particular) is somewhat negative and scolding. I cannot believe how accepting my friends are of my personality and character.
I think I realize that as open-minded as I have become here, I am still so afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. I still need to open up to more people. I still need to do things that are uncomfortable for me. I really need to go outside of the comfortable cushion I have created and try new things. I need to stop being so stubborn and try to follow my own advice. I need to try changing myself if I want to build stronger friendships and truly help my friends. The best job I can do is listen, help when asked, and be there for support. I cannot keep dictating.
I can do this. I really can. I just have to make the attempt to change. Here it goes.
"(Still A) Weirdo" - KT Tunstall
Here at UW I find myself really concerned about the well-being of my friends. I am having a wonderful time here, but it really disappoints me when I see a friend unhappy about their experience here. I try really hard to make this place better for them, and with the understanding that they can only change their experience by changing themselves, I try to change my friends. I tell them what to do. I recommend certain modes of action. I institute plans. I guess I have forgotten to just enjoy the time I spend with friends. All the time I spend with my friends (especially one in particular) is somewhat negative and scolding. I cannot believe how accepting my friends are of my personality and character.
I think I realize that as open-minded as I have become here, I am still so afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. I still need to open up to more people. I still need to do things that are uncomfortable for me. I really need to go outside of the comfortable cushion I have created and try new things. I need to stop being so stubborn and try to follow my own advice. I need to try changing myself if I want to build stronger friendships and truly help my friends. The best job I can do is listen, help when asked, and be there for support. I cannot keep dictating.
I can do this. I really can. I just have to make the attempt to change. Here it goes.
"(Still A) Weirdo" - KT Tunstall
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Ran to Gasworks
This weekend was quite solitary, but I think that was excellent in certain ways. I finished my homework at ten this evening, far earlier than I usually finish loads of homework. Plus I actually absorbed a lot of the information. My head is spinning with species diversity information and the greenhouse effect. I dove into my work, something I haven't done in years, and although it has been exhausting I feel so accomplished.
Meanwhile I explored much of the campus and the city this weekend. I ventured to downtown with some friends and ate an expensive, but superbly delicious cheese plate and duck and squash risotto at the Pink Door, that infamous restaurant in Post Alley. I woke up the next morning to run to Gasworks Park with a friend, and today I repeated that feat, although I ran about a quarter mile further and then rose all the way to the top of the hill in the park with majestic views of the skyline.
Running is such an emotional experience for me. I release all my feelings when I run. I actually cry often when I run. All the stress of my life melts out of me through the sweat of my body. I have been through a lot of emotional turmoil here at UW even though it has been a generally wonderful experience. At times I feel so alone here. It is so difficult to make friends with new people sometimes, and even more difficult to be my true self around the people I already am friends with.
Still this is really an incredible place. I feel like I keep using that word far too much, but that's all I can think of here. Picasso is coming to the Seattle Art Museum in a week! There are dozens of parks and museums here to explore! I am attending a lecture on engineering climate next week! Opportunities keep turning up and I am thrilled to be a part of them here. I truly feel like this is going to be a great experience.
"Vienna" - The Fray
Meanwhile I explored much of the campus and the city this weekend. I ventured to downtown with some friends and ate an expensive, but superbly delicious cheese plate and duck and squash risotto at the Pink Door, that infamous restaurant in Post Alley. I woke up the next morning to run to Gasworks Park with a friend, and today I repeated that feat, although I ran about a quarter mile further and then rose all the way to the top of the hill in the park with majestic views of the skyline.
Running is such an emotional experience for me. I release all my feelings when I run. I actually cry often when I run. All the stress of my life melts out of me through the sweat of my body. I have been through a lot of emotional turmoil here at UW even though it has been a generally wonderful experience. At times I feel so alone here. It is so difficult to make friends with new people sometimes, and even more difficult to be my true self around the people I already am friends with.
Still this is really an incredible place. I feel like I keep using that word far too much, but that's all I can think of here. Picasso is coming to the Seattle Art Museum in a week! There are dozens of parks and museums here to explore! I am attending a lecture on engineering climate next week! Opportunities keep turning up and I am thrilled to be a part of them here. I truly feel like this is going to be a great experience.
"Vienna" - The Fray
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