Losing Hope

I have been enthusiastic for the most part the past few weeks here at UW, but recently I have lost a lot of my hope. Things here are just more difficult than I imagined, and even though things are going great, I feel a pit of loneliness even amongst good friends, a frozen identity, and a lack of motivation.

People here are great, but you have to find them. This is not one of those colleges where students are amazingly interesting at every corner. A lot of students here merely want to party, have sex, do drugs, etc. Many students just want college to be over with. Where is the passion for learning that I came to college for? Where is the open mindedness that college students are meant to possess? I don't think it helps that I spend so much time with the same friends from high school. My friends just don't care about learning as much as I do it seems. They treat their classes like porcupine needles stabbing their happiness. I love to learn, but I don't feel like I belong here. I am not surrounded by the energy that I expected out of college, but I will continue to try to seek it.

Even worse here is the fact that I am stuck in this certain identity. People have their preconceived notions of who I am because I went to high school with them. I have been spending so much time with people who think I am a particular person and they cannot treat me like a new person here at this new institution. I feel like I am trapped in a suit that I want to step out of. I feel so trapped all the time. I cannot delve into my new friendships because I still have friends here who I do care about, but in a way they drag me down because I become so comfortable conforming with an identity, just so I can still have a strong social network.

The most miserable part of my recent experience has been loneliness. The clubs here have been a decent method toward combating this loneliness, but in general clubs here are not that spectacular. The weather has caused me to be a little stressed and lethargic already; I hope that it doesn't continue to make me moody and unfriendly. My struggles with meeting and befriending new people deepen my loneliness. Plus this feeling of being trapped in a box full of unenthusiasm and the same judgments makes me feel alone even among those who care and love me. Loneliness is a horrible feeling. Yet it really affects me. It goes back to those other miseries of hopelessness, a frozen identity, and dismotivation. It is a vicious, terrifying cycle.

I believe I can defeat some of these problems by challenging the sources of my struggles. I need to continue to explore this campus like I was doing earlier on in the weeks here. I felt motivated back then because I kept discovering new and fascinating things. These discoveries inspire me even the small ones. In terms of my identity, I believe I just need to open up more to people around me and trust my friends. I also need to keep an open mind about my friends, and really keep a fresh mind around new people rather than immediately judging them. Everyone has a story and it is easy to quickly pass judgment on everyone around me. The clubs are quite fine actually, and I guess it would be stupid to have so many clubs when I can't join all of them. I still need to research for clubs that fit exactly what I seek, but so far my three clubs are really good starts to my year. There is little I can do about the weather, but I can find exciting things about this campus and city that transcend the climate. Basically I need to continue working hard, exploring, opening up, etc. I really just need to stop hiding in my comfort zone if I want my life to improve. I need to stop curling up in my judgments of others, assumptions of the future, and self-hatred. Tip toe outside the solid sheets of ice on the pond and test the thinner, more exhilarating ones in the center. Step closer to the edge of the cliff. Usually it's not as steep or scary as we assume.

On another note, the outlook for the midterm elections is also dragging down my mood, but next Thursday Obama is coming to speak at UW. I am hoping he will replenish my hope in this time of solemnity.

"Somewhere I Belong" - Linkin Park