Yesterday evening was incredibly social. I hung out with some friends who can be a little dull and overbearing, but I had a rather enjoyable time. I felt bad leaving, but I was excited to go to my party. Thankfully I went with my good friend, but it was quite a new experience. I have never seen so many people transformed. It wasn't like these are stereotypical party people, instead these are those nice nerdy people who happened to all be drunk together and enjoying themselves. It really made me feel like I was stepping one step further toward maturity seeing what adults do with their freedoms. I didn't get drunk like my friends, but I still enjoyed myself, went outside my comfort zone and felt relaxed for the first time in a while. Life was joyful in that moment, a feeling I haven't had since class began two months ago.
Now as March approaches utterly fast, I feel incredible anxiety. I want to live. I want to thrive. I feel like I have wasted incredible amounts of time in my life worrying, fearing the consequences, and now truly embracing how vibrant a life I can lead. I don't need to get drunk to live a fulfilling life, but I need to stop wasting time surfing the internet aimlessly, wasting sleep and vital time with good friends.
Honestly there are so many things I want to DO with my life. I need to stop contemplating my future and start living. My dreams need to become my reality. School will take it's place, but I cannot allow it to engulf my life. Friends will have their place, but I must make the most of every moment with them. Life is dramatically brief, and I have too many things I dream of before life is complete.
You can barely see it, but yes there is snow on my sleeve.
When I woke up the world was anew. It was nine thirty and life was beginning again as every day does. I went for my run and the bitterly cold air suffused into my body, zapping the innermost of my organs. I could feel that chill penetrate my heart, lungs, and breathe. I gasped for air as I continued to run, pounding my feet against the pavement, stretching my sleeves so that they could keep my knuckles from freezing off like those insane images of flowers frozen in nitrogen (check national geographic for a cool photograph). Alas, then the snow flurries began to flutter down from the clouds and onto my hair, my shirt, and my nose. I felt the specks of white inadvertently crash into my eyeballs and while there was some pain, the exuberance within spread my mouth wide into a smile.
Even in the most miserable moments, joy exists. I went later to Pike Place and ate some delicious piroshkies with friends and we headed to the aquarium only to find that our student budgets did not favor such extravagant fares. Instead we wandered Seattle jumping into a warm building every other block, bought some yummy dried fruit and a mango lassi, finally returning to my warm dorm this afternoon. I started planning for my upcoming trip, making a map and I am brimming with anticipation and nervous excitement for tonight. I am going to a dinner with some friends and then going to a cocktail hosted by one of my clubs. I have no idea of what to expect, and I don't know what it will turn out like, but my one goal is to release, have fun, and enjoy life. Maybe I'll step outside my comfort zone a bit. Maybe I'll do something unexpected. I will stay within what is safe for my body, mind, and soul, but I hope that tonight I can be happy, live with fewer worries, and just be.
No matter what just breathe. I think that may be my new saying, or something like that. Breathe.
I woke up this morning later than I expected, but I was desperate for sleep. After I took a shower I almost complained about something to my roommate, but I realized that it really wasn't necessary to whine about anything to my roommate; I can just leave the worries inside my head and release them in another form besides verbalization. I almost started talking to myself in the elevator, but I stopped myself. These realizations of my actions brought a smile across my face. Merely being aware of my idiosyncrasies makes me feel so much more confident.
As the day progressed I attended Japanese class which was quite a bore as usual, but I realized that I need to continue to gain fluency in Japanese. I'm not taking the class just to get an A in Japanese. No, I am taking Japanese to gain a skill, an understanding of a language to the point in which I can communicate in it. I rushed over to eat lunch with two wonderful friends who always bring excitement into my life, and I was frankly intimidated. I don't really understand what caused my discomfort, but I am glad I was aware of it.
Later this afternoon I went to chemistry and actually tried to pay attention, but my focus was waning. I met a new person and then worked on chemistry with her. I completed my chemistry homework and scored one hundred percent. It was a check box filled, but each one felt great today.
It was sunny today, but bonechillingly cold. Nevertheless I enjoyed the bright rays of sun penetrating my face with warmth. The evening approached and I saw the hilarious drag show which made me realize more of my discomfort especially when I promptly exited the building without greeting the people I knew in the competition. Back at the dormitory I saw the Social Network finally and I was both creeped out and inspired by the successes and miseries of Mark Zuckerburg's awkward life. I am so glad that I have trustworthy, meaningful friendships and I have found contentment beyond the trivial pursuits of high ranking institutions, but I wish I still was capable of doing great things like programming a unique idea into a usable medium for everyone on the planet, understanding the law to a depth that enables me to protect the innocent and empower equality, or lead a movement to change the world for the better with actual tangible results. However these vague unspecified goals are only accomplished through a full powered effort by me. I am already behind in many ways compared to my peers at these most renowned higher education institutions. But I don't have to be. I can reach my dreams, live a meaningful life, and enjoy it all if I just focus.
I dream of mostly being alive. I want to be able to talk to people comfortably. I want to face my fears with my identity. I want to do great things in life. I want to understand the world and the processes that make this world function. I have incredible potential to reach these dreams but I need the passion. I need the zest of life to replenish a withering soul. I must detach myself from the cord and jump across the bridge. Perhaps I won't fall, but I will fly.
Most importantly, I must sleep now.
"I Need A Doctor" - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem & Skylar Grey
This week my stress level ascended to new bounds. I found myself trapped. Today I was incredibly lucky. I really ought to count my blessings. Things do end up working out rather well. I think I need to take those steps outside my comfort zone though. I need to go to the places I seek.
Finally today I applied for a job. It was a simple application, but it was one step toward doing things outside my comfort zone. I am planning to do some other things outside my comfort zone this weekend: going to the UW drag competition and a young democrat party. Other things are squarely inside my comfort zone, but wonderful like the oscar party I'm going to and the Improv show I'm watching. Other tasks are within my comfort zone, but lame like chemistry lecture. Life can be filled with wonderful things, but we have to take the steps to actually reach those points.
I want to be more spontaneous, but I tend to keep my thoughts in spontaneity rather than my actions. I am like a turtle. I see the world around me, but I retract the moment I fear the possibility of leaving my shell. I hate this trait of mine. I just fear hurt strongly. I have lived a life that has been touched by little and I am incredibly uncomfortable with most everything that I haven't tried. I fear the bruises and bumps. I tend to compare myself to others even on the dumbest criteria. I often extrapolate my actions, obsessing over the worst possibility. This focus on the negative has trapped me in anxiety and fear.
Fear is difficult to defeat. However I believe I can conquer my fears. I have so many that I am afraid to list them all. Let's just start with that. who I am. talking to guys. being late. singing in public. dancing in public. drinking. drugs. breaking rules. human touch. disappointing others. grades lower than A. commitment. applying for jobs. talking to adults. a career. marriage. poverty. illness. camping. insulting others. asking questions in lecture. taking off my shirt. skype. secrets. needing help. asking for directions. sports. going to the gym. living without judgments. loneliness.
Obviously I could continue my list for many many fears, but I have listed these initial fears, mostly large intangible ones that I grapple with daily. Defeating these fears will take effort and focus. I believe I can overcome my obstacles; if I don't I will never see my dreams come true.
This leaf is probably happier than I am right now.
I feel so alone right now. I really shouldn't. I have been around my friends, I am surrounded by like-minded people, and I have so many close friends around me. But all my talk-to people seem gone. I feel like I can't talk to my best friends, either because they are too difficult to reach in far off places to talk to in person, or because I don't want to burden them with my stresses and worries. I am trying so hard to stop worrying, to be less anxious, less paranoid, but as the weeks have passed I have grown more and more neurotic. I am exhausted. I hate myself so much right now. I have slowly relapsed into my old ways.
I know what is causing a lot of my problems. I am afraid of many things. I am afraid to try for any romantic relationships because I am still not comfortable with myself. I am fearful to meet new friends because I am wary of how they judge me. I fear doing any sports or clubs because I fear the judgment from strangers. I have become someone I cannot stand. I am so miserable right now. I want to cry, but I can't because I am in this triple room with two other guys and I have no one to lean on, no one to talk to.
I chose to focus on schoolwork this quarter. I aimed for perfection. I always fall upon this deadly path. I am now unhappy because I put so much stress into my schoolwork, but I accomplished so little. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten on a serious test. I feel awful, just awful. The one thing I set my mind to, even if I wasn't very efficient in how I went about it, I failed. I haven't tried to make friends, or find love or do anything outside of class. I feel into my comfort zone of school and academics betrayed me.
To continue the betrayal, I have to listen to my roommates today talk about their "natural smartness" and all the accomplishments they seem to collect like worn out baby beanies. I hate it. I hate feeling so inferior and pathetic. I have stressed so much over accomplishment and all these goals I have, but I have not actually enjoyed life or really worked hard to succeed. I feel lame. I keep fighting the fact that I am human and should be susceptible to flaws, but I don't know how to be happy besides being better than other people.
I have lived my entire life with a very simplistic model: success is relative. success = happiness.
I know this fails. I know this doesn't work, but I am too afraid to try anything else. This works. I am happy for that brief hour after I receive an A on a midterm, and content as long as I still have that lovely first letter of the alphabet on my grade reports. I have never been happy doing anything substantial without some sort of reward, marker, or grade to signify my success. The only other happiness I have felt is when I take photographs, go on a vacation, or hang out with friends. I don't know how to have fun. I don't know how to enjoy life. I only know how to take a test and feel happy about it for maybe an hour maximum. I don't know what else life is meant for.
I wish I could just take the dive and go for it. I see all around me the opportunities to make my life more meaningful and wonderful, but I refuse to chase them. I refuse to open my eyes to people around me. I judge people. I fear their judgments. I feel like such a mess. There is so much wrong with me, what on earth could be right?
I feel like nothing has changed ever since I started to come to terms with my depression and my identity. I feel like my life has plateaued at a low point. I see so much ahead of me, but I feel myself falling farther down this black abyss of doom, hopelessness, and misery. Perhaps I am just fatigued from a lack of sleep, but I think that my sleeplessness merely exacerbates my state.
I hate so much about UW right now. I truly feel like a number, a statistic on the bell curve. I feel that bell jar encasing me. I don't want this to happen, but I hate it so much. I tire of the stresses here and the feeling of being trapped by the past. I feel like I am falling apart here, not thriving. I know I have the potential to do great things, but this emotional struggle is holding me back in so many ways. Being here in Washington keeps my morale from blossoming. I tire of this cold, dark, and damp atmosphere. I tire of the conceited, arrogant, and hipster culture.
There are so many complaints I have right now, but chiefly I have one request, not a complaint at all. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I haven't felt alive for so long. Everything has felt like an eerie dream since this quarter began. I need to feel alive. I need to have a meaning to my life. I am so done with living in this misery, but I don't know how to get out.
"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook/Skylar Grey
"what I wouldn't give just to forget what I wouldn't give to get some rest so I can remember how to live again I wanna live again"
A crab looking out to the future. What does she expect, or does she even think at all?
All my life I have lived by a central paradigm: the harder you work, the harder you try, the more you will succeed.
The problem with this linear thought process is that I ended up increasing my stress level, not necessarily working harder. It is true that a more determined effort supports a more accomplished path, but I don't need to live a life constantly thinking about how I can best use my time, most effectively use each minute, study most deeply, etc. Instead I need to live by one of my central tenets: trust. I need to trust that my life will be fine. I already have a mindset that prepares me for my goals and dreams. I still need to put forth the effort to achieve my goals, but I don't need to worry about it. I can let go, breathe and accept the fate that life is offering me.
Therefore, today, I am going to try to stop trying so hard. I am always looking up self-help guides to improve my personality, relationships, life, academics, and health, but perhaps I need to stop trying to find the easy fixes in life, and just go and live. Living is much more difficult that fulfilling my brain's craving for instant gratification. I need to stop living for hope, and start living for real meaningful purposes. We'll see where this road takes me. I will still do the things that work, running, studying, friendships, but I'll stop trying to make them the ultimate achievement.
The vivid sunset I witnessed at the Olympic Sculpture Park today (yes, in February!)
We can all agree that in general life is too short. Time is a brutal lord that controls our fates, yet also creates us into our human selves. With time we grow, and with time we lose out on opportunity. Time allows us to accomplish feats, passionately love, and joyfully explore, while limiting us from these very pleasures. Often I ask myself, "what if there were just more time in the world?" but the true impact of more time would mean more time would be spent working along with playing. Perhaps we would create new things, but in general life would not really change; we would just accept the shift and adapt to it.
In conclusion, I aspire to live every moment to the fullest. Life is short, but I can intentionally live with more meaning. This means meaningful moments with family, friends, studies, work, and even meditation and sleep. Even wasted time has a place in life. I just want to avoid wasting too much time because I have realized during my span at UW that significant moments only last a few minutes or seconds even. While I can increase my chances of encountering a special, inspirational, thought-provoking, or definitive moment by spending more time on certain aspects of my life, the inefficiency of that time spent decreases at a certain point. For example today I spent three hours with one friend. It was fine and dandy, but in only thirty minutes I surely could have gotten as much depth from that time spent with my friend. However I am not god, and I cannot predict how well I spend my time. I guess I will just try to get more sleep so I can make less neurotic decisions and more strategically use my time.
Meanwhile, I keep trying to make life more fascinating. I try to think of three impossible or crazy ideas each day to inspire me to expand my mind beyond the structure and frames of my collegiate education. I also try to keep taking photographs and explore the city. Meditation and exercise are other forms of escape that offer me time to reflect, clear my mind, breathe, and renew. I worked too much last week, so these past few days of renewal have been necessary for my future, but I have also made many mistakes. Nevertheless I am determined to live with vibrancy at every step and snore.
