Stress Ascent

This week my stress level ascended to new bounds. I found myself trapped. Today I was incredibly lucky. I really ought to count my blessings. Things do end up working out rather well. I think I need to take those steps outside my comfort zone though. I need to go to the places I seek.

Finally today I applied for a job. It was a simple application, but it was one step toward doing things outside my comfort zone. I am planning to do some other things outside my comfort zone this weekend: going to the UW drag competition and a young democrat party. Other things are squarely inside my comfort zone, but wonderful like the oscar party I'm going to and the Improv show I'm watching. Other tasks are within my comfort zone, but lame like chemistry lecture. Life can be filled with wonderful things, but we have to take the steps to actually reach those points.

I want to be more spontaneous, but I tend to keep my thoughts in spontaneity rather than my actions. I am like a turtle. I see the world around me, but I retract the moment I fear the possibility of leaving my shell. I hate this trait of mine. I just fear hurt strongly. I have lived a life that has been touched by little and I am incredibly uncomfortable with most everything that I haven't tried. I fear the bruises and bumps. I tend to compare myself to others even on the dumbest criteria. I often extrapolate my actions, obsessing over the worst possibility. This focus on the negative has trapped me in anxiety and fear.

Fear is difficult to defeat. However I believe I can conquer my fears. I have so many that I am afraid to list them all. Let's just start with that.
who I am.
talking to guys.
being late.
singing in public.
dancing in public.
drinking.
drugs.
breaking rules.
human touch.
disappointing others.
grades lower than A.
commitment.
applying for jobs.
talking to adults.
a career.
marriage.
poverty.
illness.
camping.
insulting others.
asking questions in lecture.
taking off my shirt.
skype.
secrets.
needing help.
asking for directions.
sports.
going to the gym.
living without judgments.
loneliness.

Obviously I could continue my list for many many fears, but I have listed these initial fears, mostly large intangible ones that I grapple with daily. Defeating these fears will take effort and focus. I believe I can overcome my obstacles; if I don't I will never see my dreams come true.

"Many Moons" - Janelle Monae