This leaf is probably happier than I am right now.
I feel so alone right now. I really shouldn't. I have been around my friends, I am surrounded by like-minded people, and I have so many close friends around me. But all my talk-to people seem gone. I feel like I can't talk to my best friends, either because they are too difficult to reach in far off places to talk to in person, or because I don't want to burden them with my stresses and worries. I am trying so hard to stop worrying, to be less anxious, less paranoid, but as the weeks have passed I have grown more and more neurotic. I am exhausted. I hate myself so much right now. I have slowly relapsed into my old ways.
I know what is causing a lot of my problems. I am afraid of many things. I am afraid to try for any romantic relationships because I am still not comfortable with myself. I am fearful to meet new friends because I am wary of how they judge me. I fear doing any sports or clubs because I fear the judgment from strangers. I have become someone I cannot stand. I am so miserable right now. I want to cry, but I can't because I am in this triple room with two other guys and I have no one to lean on, no one to talk to.
I chose to focus on schoolwork this quarter. I aimed for perfection. I always fall upon this deadly path. I am now unhappy because I put so much stress into my schoolwork, but I accomplished so little. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten on a serious test. I feel awful, just awful. The one thing I set my mind to, even if I wasn't very efficient in how I went about it, I failed. I haven't tried to make friends, or find love or do anything outside of class. I feel into my comfort zone of school and academics betrayed me.
To continue the betrayal, I have to listen to my roommates today talk about their "natural smartness" and all the accomplishments they seem to collect like worn out baby beanies. I hate it. I hate feeling so inferior and pathetic. I have stressed so much over accomplishment and all these goals I have, but I have not actually enjoyed life or really worked hard to succeed. I feel lame. I keep fighting the fact that I am human and should be susceptible to flaws, but I don't know how to be happy besides being better than other people.
I have lived my entire life with a very simplistic model: success is relative. success = happiness.
I know this fails. I know this doesn't work, but I am too afraid to try anything else. This works. I am happy for that brief hour after I receive an A on a midterm, and content as long as I still have that lovely first letter of the alphabet on my grade reports. I have never been happy doing anything substantial without some sort of reward, marker, or grade to signify my success. The only other happiness I have felt is when I take photographs, go on a vacation, or hang out with friends. I don't know how to have fun. I don't know how to enjoy life. I only know how to take a test and feel happy about it for maybe an hour maximum. I don't know what else life is meant for.
I wish I could just take the dive and go for it. I see all around me the opportunities to make my life more meaningful and wonderful, but I refuse to chase them. I refuse to open my eyes to people around me. I judge people. I fear their judgments. I feel like such a mess. There is so much wrong with me, what on earth could be right?
I feel like nothing has changed ever since I started to come to terms with my depression and my identity. I feel like my life has plateaued at a low point. I see so much ahead of me, but I feel myself falling farther down this black abyss of doom, hopelessness, and misery. Perhaps I am just fatigued from a lack of sleep, but I think that my sleeplessness merely exacerbates my state.
I hate so much about UW right now. I truly feel like a number, a statistic on the bell curve. I feel that bell jar encasing me. I don't want this to happen, but I hate it so much. I tire of the stresses here and the feeling of being trapped by the past. I feel like I am falling apart here, not thriving. I know I have the potential to do great things, but this emotional struggle is holding me back in so many ways. Being here in Washington keeps my morale from blossoming. I tire of this cold, dark, and damp atmosphere. I tire of the conceited, arrogant, and hipster culture.
There are so many complaints I have right now, but chiefly I have one request, not a complaint at all. I want to live. I want to feel alive. I haven't felt alive for so long. Everything has felt like an eerie dream since this quarter began. I need to feel alive. I need to have a meaning to my life. I am so done with living in this misery, but I don't know how to get out.
"What I Wouldn't Give" - Holly Brook/Skylar Grey
"what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again"
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