Time to Do

"The only way to learn from your mistakes is to make mistakes"
-Anonymous

It's hard to do things. To make the choices. I've never been the dealbreaker. I always search for compromise, balance, and pleasantry. I wish I was more of the person I want to be. I regret so much in life. I yearn to be perfect. I am always disappointed. I know I don't have to be perfect. I know I don't have to find success. Why can't I just be contented and happy? Why can't I make those decisions without breaking apart and freaking out? Why can't I handle mistakes? Why do I feel like a constant disappointment and failure?

Today I realized that instead of making decisions I just stall and hope that my choices will be decided for me. In fact in the past few years I can't remember a time when I made a decision that was not clear cut without help. I always push back anything that is important. I always halt any major decisions and wait for input from other people and more information. So I am trying to figure out how I can more effectively decide and act.

People always tell me different advice. Just Do It, like the Nike commercials say. Sometimes that works for me. But usually it requires the perfect conditions and uses up a lot of energy and stress. It feels great when I do things by myself just by straightforward action, but I don't seem to be able to always easily "do it." Others say I should be motivated by god. Or my parents should push me more. Everyone makes it seem so easy. I don't know what needs to happen to me. But I need to change. I need to be able to make the tough decisions without running away from them.

I talk so much about how I want to do so many things. But I never actually do anything. I just cannot get myself to go and accomplish my goals. I feel so debilitated by my fears of imperfection, mistakes, and displeasure among my peers. I strive to have this perfect world, but in doing so I make my world worse. I only seem to follow the short-term solutions and never work towards long-term fulfillment.

I want to go forwards. I hate this rut I've been stuck in for so long. Where is my confidence? Where is my self-esteem? Where is my motivation? Where is my soul?

"Bruised Water" Chicane ft. Natasha Bedingfield



"But if I never take this leap of faith I’ll never know"

above song lyric: exactly the focus of my whole discussion.

Au

Of all the things we can do, meeting new people may be one of the most powerful parts of our lives. People are what make this world what we know it to be. People are living, breathing, doing.

Alive.

The earth is spectacular without humanity generally, but for me at least it is the human spirit and ingenuity that make this earth our great world. Cultures that are diverse. Creativity that generates invention, beauty, and betterment. Conflict that divides us, and the needs that unite us. Everything I talk about has to do with humanity. I may despise society every once in a while, but society is also exceptionally important to me. I want to make the world a better place. But why? I want to help improve lives. I want to make this world better for the people who populate it. The children of the next generation. I guess I am an idealist in that way, but we need our idealists.

When we meet new people we grow. We learn. We become aware. Space camp was a great chance to learn about more people and the complexities of their lives. We have to learn to step into the shoes of others and understand how other people live. I was watching a tv show on CMT about party kids who have no self-discipline and no direction. At one point I thought to myself, "wow, it would be awesome to party every night and live without any expectations. it would be so free and relaxing." But as much as I want that freedom, I realize that these kids are suffering. The parties, the girlfriends, the booze, it's all a short-term solution for a lack of fulfillment. These lost teenagers are an unfortunate result of society's lack of cohesion. But I can do my part to be better than that. I can do my part to even help these teens. It might sound mean but these teenagers' flaws inspire me to be a better person. I don't want to end up like that in the future. I don't want to be untrustworthy and unfulfilled. If only I could constantly be reminded that I don't want to live such a life.

So I will Au. Meet (in Japanese). I will learn about the other people in my community, greater Seattle metro, state, and world. That is how we become better individuals and eventually a better society.

On a day like today when the thermometer rises to 103 setting a record far above the all-time of 100, we all suffer. At least in the Seattle area we do. Nobody has AC. Everyone feels the triple digit heat. For one day all of us poor and rich, young and old, of all races and religions, of all political affiliations and sexual orientations finally are united by God's insufferable heat. We work together to make sure we survive. We attempt to make the best of it. And it is at these times when God reminds us that we all just need to get along.

Fuel My Motivation Tank

I don't really know. I don't really understand. I wish I did understand everything. But I guess that's the way the world is.

I don't feel energized. No, I do have energy despite this unbearable and unusual triple digit heat. I have the energy to do stuff. Like type. Or exercise. Or anything else that is just mechanical like a robot. I have that energy. But I don't have motivation. I don't have the urge to be more than just a robotic guy. I wish I did. But I don't feel like accomplishing my great goals. Even the easy ones.

I have a few things I want to do, like community service stuff, but I don't care. I care in my head, but I guess I'm too lazy to actually do anything. But it's not like I want to be lazy. And it's not like I don't want to help the community. I'm just not doing it.

For years I have been told to accept myself. To be okay with just being. Just alive. I think I have reached that point. But now I want something more. I want to challenge myself. Explore. Discover. Create. Invent. Solve.

I know a lot. I have gained a lot of wisdom. I have become a better me. But now I need to apply myself. But even music can't inspire me. Even my friends don't seem to inspire me. I feel so empty, yet I want to do so many things. I need to cross the threshold. But I feel like I already have taken the time through space camp to cross that barrier of apathy. How do I get myself to care! How do I get myself up off the computer, out of the house, and achieving my dreams? I want to find the answer. I want to figure it out, but I just feel like I'm running empty on motivation like my car and it's empty fuel tank. Or maybe I do have the fuel and I just need someone to start the car. Whatever it is, I just need to figure out why I am so apathetic. I hate it. I feel self-deprecating and miserable, but I can't get over myself. So if you are listening to my pathetic troubles, I guess I shouldn't receive any sympathy. I have so much but why am I so unhappy?

Reticence

I have had a long week. I can barely believe that I still have more than a month left of summer after this week.

I went to SPACE CAMP.

When I first applied I did it for the selfish and dull reasons: college apps, mother, etc.
But then I went. Even as I approached the hotel I was not very excited. I was quick to generalize all the people there before I had met them and assumed they would all be the stereotypical nerd who isn't very social and way too smart for me. And I hung out at first with all the people at the camp in the lobby of the hotel, and alas there was silence.

But as the week went on and we developed our simulated mission to Mars and did engineering challenges, I became fonder of these so-called "space geeks." While many of the people there were "space geeks" or expectant engineers there were also people like me who had no clue about engineering, space, or aeronautics. I even met someone who wants to go to environmental policy at space camp (something I had never done at any of my political camps and conventions ironically)! There were football players, x-country runners, ASB presidents, and even one person whose parents are Mexican laborers picking apples in Cashmere. I have never met so many interesting and insightful people. And for the most part talking wasn't needed.

I listened. I watched. I absorbed everything around me. I normally will meet people and start blabbing about all my accomplishments because I don't know what else to talk about. But this time I just sat there. And listened. I listened for people. I listened to their stories. I became aware of this world in many new ways. I went to engineering research programs at the University and saw the largest building in the world. I simulated a moon mission and met someone from Port Angeles. I discovered so many skills I had never known were inside me.

Usually I ask for help. Basically my typical route of life has been to ask for help and someone shows me exactly how to do the procedure. I have forgotten how to figure out things for myself! I realized rather satisfactorily that my problem was not my fear of imperfection, but more so the fact that I just have grown accustomed to a rout memorization system. The very first day I had to do things on my own mostly because I was too nervous to speak to the people around me. But I actually helped myself out in a lot of ways. I finally did start to figure out things myself. And when it came time to our mission to Mars and our engineering challenges I really began to realize the importance of self-decision.

Decision making has always been a challenge for me. But through this week of figuring out mechanics and overcoming challenges individually and through my team I realized that when I don't understand what's around me I just need to absorb the problem and use my mind to figure it out. Think! Solve! Experiment!

And despite all my silence I made new friends and came to understand so much more. I will move forward in life. I know I can accomplish my dreams. I will keep chugging along and learning every day, opening myself to new opportunities and meeting new people. I have my summer goals and I will accomplish them!

I feel more fulfilled. I feel more inspired. I still have gaping holes in my heart. But I can heal them. It just takes time. Look at the mission to Mars. At best we might get there with strenuous effort by 2050. That is far from now, but it is entirely possible. But we have to have faith that we can do it. We have to believe in ourselves and our country. And each year we will keep trying and learning and one day we will step foot on the red planet.

The most amazing part was the rocket launch (other than nearly being hit by a rocket). We went to this huge park all the way in Redmond. There were some clouds but it was mostly clear and the sun was setting (or rather Earth was rotating). Our rocket lifted off and reached the skies. It went up and up and became so small. And for those brief seconds towards apogee it seems like anything is possible. Of course the rocket still comes down, but that lift off makes you feel like you can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. For all I know, I could be an astronaut!

So, what started out as a rather short post has expanded quite remarkably, but this was a huge week in my life. I have really healed myself and found my outlet for my stresses. I find so much calm and contentment through the things I love: science, politics, art, people, activism. Everything is changing in my life. I am progressing so far. I am becoming the person I want to be.

My music: The rocket blast had a powerful effect. Everyone was silent just for those brief few seconds. But it was magical. And so that silence you feel when you are in awe is today's music.

Silence.

Smile Like You Mean It

"Smile Like You Mean It" The Killers



This song played at the perfect time as I went home at the darkest hour lonely and afraid. It reflects much of my life and how I feel about today. I cried. I let it all out. I haven't done that in so long. Maybe because I don't need to as much, but I think it's mostly because I have been holding back the emotion. I have a lot of it locked up. I don't know who to talk to anymore about it. My parents don't seem to have the energy or patience to deal with it understandably under the current conditions. But the therapist isn't there when I need him, heck I even forgot to go. But now I need him at one in the morning. My friends are always there, but I almost need someone closer than a friend. I need a companion. I know who my close friends are. And I can trust them to listen to me. But it is complex.

Recently this past couple of months, probably quite longer, I have gotten in the habit of locking my emotions in hidden place. A habit of consistently crushing my feeling and putting them under the bed. I have banned myself from anything romantic. I then stopped talking to people about those feelings I had. I tried as hard as I could to not force other people to listen to my stresses. I tried desperately to be as perfect as possible to prevent other people from hating me. I became the ultimate people pleaser. And today I realized all this.

For years I have tried to stop being this way. I have tried to stop being the people pleaser. I have tried to be accepting of my imperfections. I have tried to accept the tears and let them gush through me. I have tried to change. To be a better me. But I don't think I went far enough. I reached a point where I was able to accept the imperfections, in which I could be okay with myself and my emotions, but then this year came.

Maybe it was the lack of romance. Maybe it was the crazy schedule. Maybe it was the sleeplessness. Maybe it was the stress of the economy on my family. Maybe it was just me being a teenager. But whatever I had accomplished towards this reduction of stress and being just better about who I was completely fell apart and now I feel like I am back to my old ways.

And this is why: For months I never heard myself say the things I said today. The suicidal thoughts, the "I am a failure" or "It's all my fault" thoughts. Blaming myself for everything. Crying uncontrollably. Arguing with my mom. Feeling crushed. Feeling like the end of the world. As I drove home I still felt it painfully. What would happen if I crashed that car at fifty? Or sixty? Would I do it or would I brake before I slammed into the wall? But I am here because I am scared. It's almost pathetic. I'm too afraid to disappoint people to even commit suicide.

I blame myself for the problems in my family or I take on unnecessary responsibilities among my friends to please them. I try to detract the family from the blaming they consistently do to each other by blaming myself for everything. I try to detract from argument or disappointment among my friends by driving them places and not following my own rules for timing and such.

And just like the song, I smile but only like I mean it. I don't actually smile with meaning, it's all just a facade. It's easier to deal with life that way, but only for the short term. It's easier to deal with things if you put them aside and give a fake smile. If you pretend everything is okay, maybe it will be.

But if I don't smell the roses (or garbage) that's all around me I will never realize it and it just gets worse. If I just don't do the job app today I can do it tomorrow; just smile like you mean it! But really, I lose so much opportunity, so much hope, so much fulfillment by letting these things slip by through my life. By pushing so much back I never have to worry about the disappointment or failure; I can just smile all the time. But when I am driving alone at night and contemplating my life, my real feelings coming out, I don't smile. I don't frown. I just want to be done with this life. I feel pointless. I feel lost. I feel like I've fallen off a cliff and had many chances to grab a rock to save myself, but was too lazy or afraid to and now I am falling faster to my doom.

Today I spent a lot of time and energy trying to organize this outing to the Bon Odori in Seattle. I really love that festival. And last time I brought a friend it was marvelous. But it wasn't perfect. It wasn't exactly what I expected it to be. It's probably just because we spent an incredibly long time there. I hope everyone enjoyed their time at the festival. And that is my only satisfaction tonight. But like anything the revelry of the festival was only a short-term satisfaction. I thought about it. I'm having loads of fun here. But I'm just putting aside the actual work. The things that need to be done. I'm trying so hard to enjoy myself, but I'm not satisfied because I'm procrastinating on so much else. However despite all, I think it was good to go because it gave me an opportunity to release and just be myself. I got a chance to release my emotions just that little bit.

The problem is that even if I know how to release my emotions, how do I reasonably handle my emotions when I take on the stresses of things like job searching, remembering chores and appointments, leadership roles, or community service?

How do I make it possible for me to grow as a person while not completely falling apart emotionally? Can I be better both emotionally and goal-wise or is it mutually exclusive?

I wish someone had the answers. I wish I could talk to someone about everything. What saddens me even more is how I did have that. I had a dear friend. Then she became my girlfriend. Her life fell apart, it didn't take much to realize it. She had changed, we broke up, she told me she was bi. And after our deeper relationship, we no longer had that close friendship. But of all the people I want to talk to right now she would be the one. Sure I have other friends that are so deeply close to me and I can talk to them about so much. But they are more recent. They don't know the past that is haunting me right now. And of course I can depend on them. But I miss her. I miss how she listened and accepted me for who I was. That's something all my close friends do. But she knew me so well like I knew her. My newer friends can help me move forward but I first need to deal with the past and I can only do that by amending the friendship I have with her and hoping that she can help me.

I haven't told anyone much about how hurt I have been by my loss of my close friendship. It ended too abruptly. We never got to reach any closure. Maybe we can become good friends again, but I need to at least reach a point in which we are both okay with whatever we are and move forward.

I am tired of this rutt I have been in. I am able to accomplish some stuff like those AP scores and student leadership. But there is a clear ladder to climb. The rest of life is like a jungle mountain without a path. I have to clear it myself. I have to figure it out. But right now it's just so overwhelming. I need my friends or family or someone to just help me find my way.

I remember so distinctly and now I am so affected by the day I went to that Belgian troupe I talked about earlier in this blog. I was affected then, but now I realize it with this song. The point of the whole thing was the final smile. The man asked we to smile, to give a real smile. A smile with meaning. But all I did was smile like I meant it. It wasn't the real smile. It wasn't the real joy. Because I'm missing that. I'm missing that vitality. That energy. That fulfillment. Everything has been so temporary like a drug. I am not searching for utter happiness, but just contentment. Contentment that will allow me to move forward with my life allowing me to accomplish my goals, small and big, short and long term. Contentment that will allow me to get through the challenges along the way and to face the new one and go right through them with confidence. Contentment that will allow to give a real smile.

And at the moment I am lost. Entirely lost. I don't know where to go, who to look to, what to do. I just want to hide. But I will take that first step. I will face the music. I won't go the easy way out through death or sitting in my house alone in my bed or at the computer. I have a week of Aerospace camp and as much as I dislike the whole topic I will embrace this week as a time for introspection away from my real life. I will hide away for one week while also facing the challenges head on. It's the perfect setting.

And when I return I just hope someone will be ready to give me that push forward or hold my hand or hug me or console me or slap me or whatever they need to do to get me to finally get somewhere towards who I really want to be. To find that smile.

What's wrong with me?

Today I forgot a very important appointment because I was exhausted and hanging out with my friends. In the euphoria of my friendship adventures I got caught up and completely forgot a responsibility. I don't know what to do. I have to mend the pieces, fix my mistakes, and move forward. But I'm so tired. Not just sleepy, but tired of life. Tired of making careless mistakes. It's so simple. I had no other important things today. I had my appointment. At 3:00. How could I have forgotten! The post-it reminder was right there on my desk in front of me. Now, I had completely forgotten about the appointment because I was so distracted with my other plans and that stupid wisdom teeth surgery. Why do I always do this? And why do I always get in such a tizz! I mean it's important to worry about this kinds of things, but I do it so often I just wish I could stop making mistakes. Stop failing.

But listen to myself. Yes, it was an important appointment. Something that will have rather harsh consequences monetarily down the road, but what can I do? I had the appointment reminder. I could have written it down again, or just looked at the stupid reminder right there on my desk. But I didn't. So know I know to be more aware of what I do. And to sleep more and not let myself succumb to the Internet and all the other distractions in my life. The only thing I hate about summer is my lack of self-discipline. It's not like I have much myself.

I guess this is a good thing in one way. It won't affect me that drastically, but money is something that I don't have in this world. Money is what makes my family nutz. And I hate all of the chaos that ensues when money becomes an issue at my home. I wish I could be perfect. But I won't be ever. Nobody is. And some people do go through most of their lives never having to make many mistakes. In fact, I'm probably one of them, which is why I freak out so much when these things do happen. But I am realizing a lot because of this mistake. I am realizing finally that I need to start getting control of my life this summer. I need to start my common app. I need to go hiking. I need to visit my colleges in WA. I need to finish my drawing. I need to read my books. I need to do some community service. I need to accomplish my list of goals.

I want my summer to be fulfilling, but so far it seems like a waste. All I am doing are pitiful classes at the community college. All I am doing is melancholy and mundane. I need to get a hold of my life. I need to get it together. I need to sleep.

I hate wisdom teeth. God you have put me through quite a trial. And I genuinely thank you for that. I needed someone to slap me in the face.

"22" Lily Allen



Above: what will happen to me if I don't get it together.


The question is: How do I get it together?

The 5th Dimension is...

The first dimension is a straight line
The second dimension is area
The third dimension is volume
The fourth dimension is time
The fifth dimension must then be emotion.

What else could it possibly be? What else could this world be without emotion, passion, and love? Emotion may scientifically be the opening of gates in the neurons of the brains and the firing of electrical impulses in reaction to stimuli, but where the heck does that sensation come from? I'm sure some depressing scientist can prove that there is a logical explanation to all of this, but for once I'm going to have some faith in just not knowing or caring.

I write. I take photographs. I care about the environment. I care about social justice. I plant trees. I hate my homework and love my friends and family. I hope. I dream. I seek revenge. I am alive. I am a human being. We can do so many things.

We can paint a line.

Or we can paint a Mona Lisa.

But which is better. Obviously the Mona Lisa! Or is it? The Mona Lisa may be beautiful and up to interpretation, but how many ways can we interpret a line? It may seem redundant. I mean, seriously, its a single dimension. But is it that dull? It may just be a line, but it is so simple that it requires that much more thinking, that much more interest, that much more fascination. But you cannot enjoy the line unless you take any time to just care. To have passion. To have emotion.

There is a whole world out there. And everything we choose to do, every situation we are placed in, every moment we breathe, we have to make a choice. Are we going to be active and aware, or are we going to step back and let life go ahead without that passion?

I have many opportunities. I have my dreams. I want to go to Berkeley. Really badly!! It will cost a ton of money. It will be ridiculously difficult. And I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to go. But quite possibly I could be satisfied and wonderful at UW. Not exactly my dream school, but I can make it that way. I can do that. I can go to Berkeley and not care, or I can go to UW and put passion into my learning. Of course if I go to Berkeley I cannot just stand by and expect the school to make me smarter; I have to be active. Life is all about the way we do things.

So tomorrow when I will be in pain from my stupid wisdom teeth removal and going to my exercise in the morning I will try. I will hurt. But I will feel better about myself when I look over at the girl who is trying desparately to waste 2 hours stretching on the sidelines and not breaking a sweat.

I can choose how I want to lead my life. Imagine this scenario:
You have to choose between this choices
-Working horrible hours as a nurse six days a week and having to raise a child by yourself
-Working three days a week as a stock broker at home in your pjs.

What would you do?

Simply unsimple.

It seems remarkable. This world we live in. All the things we go through. Why? What is the point? Does there need to be a point? Perhaps we create a point as society so that we can all enjoy life. What is our purpose here on Earth? Does God create the rules, or do we? Who is in control? Does it matter?

I have to draw that stupid room with furniture for drawing class. I have to start that common application. I have to rest and heal from the wisdom teeth removal. I have to organize that auction meeting. I have to hang out with my friends. I have to clean my room. I have to do community service. I still have to get a job or find money somehow. I have to read my English reading for the summer. I have to get off the computer. I have to be human and yet I have to be superhuman.

I won't accomplish everything. Now to some people this is resignation. And that is true. I am resigning myself to failure. But only some failure. I will accomplish some things. But it's okay that I fail at some things. As long as I treat failure as valuable rather than just painful, I can be satisfied with my life.

What we do with our lives, where we go to college, what we do at temple when we pray, has nothing to do with the fact that you go there or you do it. Being present is part of the process, but giving value to action makes your presence powerful.

At the End of the Day All We Have...

Is "Who We Are" Ryan Calhoun



I heard this song on the t.v. the other day and it struck me hard. It was so beautiful and the lyrics represented so much about my struggles in life with my identity and my goals. It's pretty clear. After all the strenuous hardships and the uplifting joys, "at the end of the day all we have is who we are..."

What are we? Am I the person who sits engulfed at the computer writing in effluence about my lame struggles with life in suburbia? Am I the artist who turns the images and sounds of the world into a molded and crafted masterpiece? Am I the influential leader who eloquently persuades the public to make change in the environment and initiates social betterment? Am I the selfish criminal who fights desperately for his individual avarice?

I did a lot today. I went to my exercise for an hour with my wonderful friend. We chatted. Then I jaunted over to martial arts which lasted an hour and a half and learned more than usual by turning my typical movements into artful and precise techniques. I went home. Felt exhausted. Showered. Ate. Drew my copy of an Utamaro. Turned in my job app and was shooed away. Ate again. Continued my drawing of the hallway and got an impressive score on my copy. Returned home. Watched Make it or Break it. Got my AP Scores: All 5's. Screamed in amazement. Chatted on Facebook. I did a lot today compared to my usual self. And it felt great. It's amazing how so much happens on such random days. July 6th. What a fascinating day.

But "at the end of the day all we have is who we are." Whatever that may be or imply. We are ourselves. And just being alive makes us special. Being human makes us unique. And when we are okay with who we are, we are content.