Reticence

I have had a long week. I can barely believe that I still have more than a month left of summer after this week.

I went to SPACE CAMP.

When I first applied I did it for the selfish and dull reasons: college apps, mother, etc.
But then I went. Even as I approached the hotel I was not very excited. I was quick to generalize all the people there before I had met them and assumed they would all be the stereotypical nerd who isn't very social and way too smart for me. And I hung out at first with all the people at the camp in the lobby of the hotel, and alas there was silence.

But as the week went on and we developed our simulated mission to Mars and did engineering challenges, I became fonder of these so-called "space geeks." While many of the people there were "space geeks" or expectant engineers there were also people like me who had no clue about engineering, space, or aeronautics. I even met someone who wants to go to environmental policy at space camp (something I had never done at any of my political camps and conventions ironically)! There were football players, x-country runners, ASB presidents, and even one person whose parents are Mexican laborers picking apples in Cashmere. I have never met so many interesting and insightful people. And for the most part talking wasn't needed.

I listened. I watched. I absorbed everything around me. I normally will meet people and start blabbing about all my accomplishments because I don't know what else to talk about. But this time I just sat there. And listened. I listened for people. I listened to their stories. I became aware of this world in many new ways. I went to engineering research programs at the University and saw the largest building in the world. I simulated a moon mission and met someone from Port Angeles. I discovered so many skills I had never known were inside me.

Usually I ask for help. Basically my typical route of life has been to ask for help and someone shows me exactly how to do the procedure. I have forgotten how to figure out things for myself! I realized rather satisfactorily that my problem was not my fear of imperfection, but more so the fact that I just have grown accustomed to a rout memorization system. The very first day I had to do things on my own mostly because I was too nervous to speak to the people around me. But I actually helped myself out in a lot of ways. I finally did start to figure out things myself. And when it came time to our mission to Mars and our engineering challenges I really began to realize the importance of self-decision.

Decision making has always been a challenge for me. But through this week of figuring out mechanics and overcoming challenges individually and through my team I realized that when I don't understand what's around me I just need to absorb the problem and use my mind to figure it out. Think! Solve! Experiment!

And despite all my silence I made new friends and came to understand so much more. I will move forward in life. I know I can accomplish my dreams. I will keep chugging along and learning every day, opening myself to new opportunities and meeting new people. I have my summer goals and I will accomplish them!

I feel more fulfilled. I feel more inspired. I still have gaping holes in my heart. But I can heal them. It just takes time. Look at the mission to Mars. At best we might get there with strenuous effort by 2050. That is far from now, but it is entirely possible. But we have to have faith that we can do it. We have to believe in ourselves and our country. And each year we will keep trying and learning and one day we will step foot on the red planet.

The most amazing part was the rocket launch (other than nearly being hit by a rocket). We went to this huge park all the way in Redmond. There were some clouds but it was mostly clear and the sun was setting (or rather Earth was rotating). Our rocket lifted off and reached the skies. It went up and up and became so small. And for those brief seconds towards apogee it seems like anything is possible. Of course the rocket still comes down, but that lift off makes you feel like you can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. For all I know, I could be an astronaut!

So, what started out as a rather short post has expanded quite remarkably, but this was a huge week in my life. I have really healed myself and found my outlet for my stresses. I find so much calm and contentment through the things I love: science, politics, art, people, activism. Everything is changing in my life. I am progressing so far. I am becoming the person I want to be.

My music: The rocket blast had a powerful effect. Everyone was silent just for those brief few seconds. But it was magical. And so that silence you feel when you are in awe is today's music.

Silence.